I have a great DH and rarely complain about him. But......he is not really on-board with hypnobabies. I can also tell that he does not think I will be able to do NCB. He has tried to keep his mouth shut about it and say that he supports however I choose to birth, but despite that, I can tell that deep down he is not on-board.
Tonight I am supposed to begin Lesson 4 which requires that the birth partner reviews the basics of hypnobabies so that he can assist me. DH was pretty resistant to doing it. He does not want to take the time to do it in the evening after DD goes to bed b/c that is when he folds laundry and watches tv. He says "isn't that what we are paying the doula for?"
So now I'm not sure how involved he wants to be in the birth process. With DD, he was pretty involved, but there really wasn't much he could do until push time.
I am giving the doula a copy of the birth partner's guide and reviewing it with her on Saturday, so should I assume that is enough? Anyone else have a DH like this?
Me! Actually, my husband is pretty on board with the natural birthing - whenever we get the inevitable "get the epidural" lecture, he responds that I have almost as high of a pain tolerance as he has. But he wants nothing doing with the hypnobirthing party. HE also says "isn't that what we pay the doula for?"
I've decided to be okay with it. I think part of it reflects insecurity on their part that if they are responsible for leading the script, and it doesn't work, then it is THEIR fault. Since you do have a doula, there are other ways that your DH can contribute - mine is great with understanding the need to physically help me with pain, through supporting poses, counterpressure, etc. And with making sure I stay hydrated, get anything else I need. I think that hypnobirthing can be beyond the comfort zone of a lot of husbands, and that's why we're fortunate to have doulas.
As for not being support of natural birthing, that's another problem. I was worried that my husband wouldn't understand it at first. Fortunately (or not), he understands my concerns about epidurals - both of his brother's children had to be delivered by emergency c-section immediately after the epidural was administered due to heart rate issues, and he knows I've had issues with various anaesthesias, like vaga vagal responses. So he can relate to a concrete, medical reason as to why I want to try natural birthing. Some guys need some hard facts, and that might help your husband along.
Well what a booger!
That said, my DH would NEVER agree to help w/ hypnobabies, and since I don't see it as something that would work for me, I don't have to worry about it. But he also makes the doula comment. When I remind him of something.
I'm sure your husband will step up when he needs to.
(oh and I have the MSU stuff to mail to you - well the slippers anyway - but DD hid the shirt... I'll mail them both together when I find it. I'm sure it's in w/ new baby's clothes pile somewhere..... )
My DH is the same way. He is very skeptical about hypnobabies. I haven't gotten to the lesson of the program where he is to get involved, but I am sure he won't take it seriously. I went through NCB with DD and felt totally out of control. He will say "you did fine with Leah, why do you need hypnobabies?" Well, I told him it was VERY painful and I wasn't relaxed at all.
I don't have a doula on board so I may get my mom to help. She is big into NCB. I wouldn't pressure your DH, just inform your doula. Your DH may come around later.
I would say to keep offering the information to him and try to bring it up every now and then despite what he says (of course keeping your Bubble of Peace around you). He is probably feeling outnumbered or out of the loop. And at least if you keep bringing it up from time to time he can't say that you shut him out. He may have a change of heart. I tell you what did it for my DH; Bradley Classes!! They make everything so understandable and really encourage partner participation so that has been a wonderful experience for us. At first with the Hypnobabies, my DH was skeptical. But I got him to listen to one script and watch several birth videos with me, and I think he was skeptical because he didn't understand. Everytime we watch a video I say to him, "man, wouldn't it be nice if my labor was like THAT?!" And he agrees that it is very relaxed and calm, and that the partners are actually helping a lot of the times.
Just a little side note: I mentioned Hypnobabies to my mom (who has a PhD in pediatric nursing and worked as an L&D nurse for 20 years) and she thought that I was studying to hypnotize my BABY lol!! I guess when you think about it, that's what it sounds like So once I explained she was a lot more comfortable with the idea. Just not a fan of hypnosis for babies lol! Maybe there is a fear or concern there that he is having difficulty expressing. A lot of fear can be eased just with exposure, so hang in there and keep making mention of everything... I'm sure he will come around.
That being said, my DH isn't involved but mostly because he won't be here so I figured I should practice and get used to doing it by myself. But he is supportive.
Last edited by krazykat; 04-21-2010 at 01:22 PM.
Ariel & John: Military Family since May 17, 2006
Sylvia: 12/18/08, Justus: 9/17/10, Bunni: 5/11/12, Surprise Baby: Guess Date 11/5/13
I think we have twin husbands when it comes to this. And the folding clothes while watching tv
I have actually been very reluctant to bring up the birthing partner scripts or anything like that with mine because I know he will say the same thing. But we don't have a doula, so I am a little concerned about trying to do this all on my own. The thing is, he has never been THAT involved in the birth. He has always been there, but often during my labor he will turn on the tv (which drives me up the wall), chat with the nurses (because he is friendly and social), and then when it's time for pushing he'll hold my hand or leg or whatever.
So...for him to have to pay attention to when I am getting pressure waves and remember words to say or where to put his hand, it's kind of a stretch from our norm.
Besides, I will probably just want to have my earphones on and tune everything else out.
Not sure about the pushing phase yet, though. They say to listen to the pushing CD out loud in the room so all people in there can benefit from it, but I don't know about that yet. I haven't listened to it, obviously.
So, I guess I don't have any advice. Just understanding!
(And aren't we glad they fold the clothes)
But I am still very thankful that he does 95% of the cleaning and at least 50% of the cooking.
Hm. Mine is super involved with the birthing thing and is so excited to be my support person and is way into the Hypnobirthing...but he hates housework and requires constant nagging about all household stuff (I hate being put in the position of bugging him about it, but come on here, I can't do it ALL myself!). I don't know, I might trade. Some days for sure
P.S. I definitely think from what you've said that just continuing to give him some serious facts to get him at least supportive if not involved, and relying on your doula for the support part, is probably your best bet.
My husband doesn't like the responsibility of providing primary labor support. He likes me to have a doula for that. Basically, he does things like press on my back, put cool clothes on my face/neck/arms, get food/drink, and in general just be there with me. My doula is the one that gives me hypnosis prompts.
So, I teach Hypnobabies and my dh isn't a great birth partner. It can totally be done without him being involved! I came to terms with him not being wired for labor support after our first baby's birth. He has many other good qualities that make up for that.
My dh was lukewarm about NCB until he saw me do it (second baby, using hypnosis). He was worried that I'd be in as much pain or more than I was in with our first baby. He hated the idea of seeing me in pain, so he wanted the hypnosis to work (which it did).
What concerns me more about your dh is that he's outright disparaging about your ability to give birth without pain medication. That's not cool and I would be inclined to say something like, "I understand if you think this is crazy. What I need you to understand is that I'm committed to doing this and I need your support."