a friend asked to be at my birth...
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  1. #1
    Prolific Poster tanismom's Avatar
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    Default a friend asked to be at my birth...

    I have a close friend who has very negative experiences around birth. Her first was a vacuum delivery, they told her he had shoulder dystocia and that she probably wasn't built to have babies. Her second was a c/s after 4 days of labor in the hospital which included a bunch of different augmentation methods.

    When I told her I was having a home birth, she asked if she could come. this was waay at the beginning of the pg and at the time I answered yes, but I reserve the right to change my mind....

    The thing is that I would love to give her a taste of what normal birth could be like. And to have her really see what a woman's body is capable of if given proper support and freedom. But I'm a little nervous. I gave her my copy of Ina May's Guide and told her that it was her required reading if she wanted to come! At least she should have some idea of what to expect. But she has a really strong nervous aura and I'm worried about the energy that she will bring to the the environment.

    What are your thoughts? Can you think of ways that I can ensure my own comfort while allowing her the opportunity to be present?

    Thanks!! sorry for the long story!!
    ~Ayelet & Yoram
    Tani 7/6/04
    Odeliya 3/8/07
    NJ, USA to Israel 12/29/08
    Yitzchak, 22.6.09
    Asa'el, 14.10.11
    Welcome baby boy!! 26.7.13

    Rambling on at http://milkandhoneymomma.blogspot.com
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    Posting Addict ourfirstblessing's Avatar
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    hmmmm, can you have a good talk with her and let her know that you will be in a different 'space' and really won't be able to interact with her much. let her know that you would love her to able to observe a positive birthing experience but you also want her to know that her comments/concerns won't be welcome (don't know how to say that without sounding mean) and if at any point she becomes uncomfortable she can show herself out...idk...you do what you need to do regarding your birth, hopefully you can find something you are comfortable with and not have to worry about being negative with you friend.
    ~Kristen~
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    Posting Addict Starryblue702's Avatar
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    This is definitely your choice, as childbirth is a very meaningful and personal experience for each woman. If it were me, I would say no... but only because I don't like anyone being there who isn't absolutely needed... and for me that's only DH, the OB, and nurses. I'm just very private about my births. If you're fine with others being in your home on your delivery day, I would stick to your guns about making sure that she did read the book you asked her to, and have a talk with her about your feelings. Let her know that everyone that is invited into your home that day needs to be in a positive mindset or else it will distract you. And worst comes to worst, if she needs to go when that day comes due to her attitude, that's what DH is there for! Good luck!
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    Posting Addict Chimmy's Avatar
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    That's tough Ayelet. I can understand where your coming from though, with my first homebirth I let my mom & sister be there because my Mom has always had a very negative view of birth & was somewhat fearful for me & my sister has never had kids but wants a homebirth so I thought it would be good for her to experience. My mom's own birth experiences were not always positive & I know this is why she's negative about it. I was in a place during that pregnancy & birth that allowed them to be there to experience a wonderful homebirth & it did change them, which I am very grateful for. This time however I knew I needed to be on my own with just dh so almost no one was invited short of midwife & 1 friend. I think the deciding factor should be where YOU are emotionally & how you feel about having her there. I think if there are any reservations about having her there you shouldn't feel guilty about changing your mind.

    Best wishes to you as you figure this out.
    Mama to 7 curious, wild & wonderful little ones



  5. #5
    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    It shouldn't be your job to expose her to a normal natural birth. That's what internet videos & Netflix deliveries are for. If she'd been watching some videos and/or reading Ina May's book, they should be helping her move toward an emotional place of being more positive about birth, kwim? The fact that she's still negative energy tells me she's not interested in changing, so why play along with her when it's *your* IRL birth experience at risk? My mom & sisters were so negative about birth that they not only got uninvited, they weren't even called until *after* my babies were born.

    Quite frankly, I'm going to say that after your last birth experience, you should have absolutely no one there who isn't 110% positive support. Maybe after this one goes well, you can invite her to the next one. If you're still hesistant or questioning, maybe ask her to attend a midwife visit with you, and get the midwife's opinion. With Weston, my midwife wanted to meet everyone who would be at the birth ahead of time, and she would have been honest if she thought someone wasn't a good person to have at a home birth. Good luck!
    David Letterman is retiring. Such great memories of watching him over the past thirty-two years!

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    Prolific Poster tanismom's Avatar
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    wow! really great feedback, ladies. Thank you so much.
    Stacey - In terms of not being ready to change, I'm not sure about that, b/c she told me that she's determined to get through the book b/c she really wants to be able to be there. I also think it's a great idea to have her come to my next appt and meet my MW and get Chava's opinion about it too. I know it's not my responsibility to change her mind, but I also know that youtube won't do it for her, it needs to be very real and someone she knows for it to make an impact on her. But you're right, the bottom line is, if in the end I don't feel 100% comfortable with her being there, I have no obligation to call her or let her stay.

    Kristen and Krystal - I think that I do need to have a good talk with her and somehow make it clear that her positive and supportive attitude is of the utmost importance and is a requirement in order for her to be present.

    Julia and Stacey - I think part of my apprehension is my previous birth, and feeling like anything can happen and if it ends up - God forbid!! - being a traumatic birth then that won't help her at all! But I really feel confident about this birth, I feel so different from last time, and I trust my MW's so much - I also know more about what to expect if we did for some reason need to transfer and so that also doesn't scare me as much. Plus this time we have a car, so we wouldn't necessarily have to go in an ambulance which was also part of the problem.

    I am going to talk to Chava about it, and I am going to talk to her again, and do some soul searching - and in the end, I think you're all right, it will come down to my feelings at the time of whether or not to call her to let her know I'm in labor.
    ~Ayelet & Yoram
    Tani 7/6/04
    Odeliya 3/8/07
    NJ, USA to Israel 12/29/08
    Yitzchak, 22.6.09
    Asa'el, 14.10.11
    Welcome baby boy!! 26.7.13

    Rambling on at http://milkandhoneymomma.blogspot.com
    facebook and twitterID: ayeletschwell

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