I too grieve for my natural homebirth that wasn't.
It's been almost 18 months since Declan was born, and though it was a vaginal birth, I still feel robbed, confused and disappointed in myself.
I thought I did everything I was supposed to. I read books, I took my vitamins, I went to my appointments. I had no complications and I made sure that I didn't get uptight about having that heavenly Mt Dew every once in a while.
But when it all comes down to it, I was flat out naive and unprepared. I thought I would still have over a month to be ready for his birth. We hadn't even had the home visit with our midwives. But once I was at the hospital I got scared. They were telling me that my placenta was old, and that Declan was growing at different rates and threatened to have us arrested if we left. It never crossed my mind to just LEAVE. After sitting in hospital for 10 days hoping that they'd change their mind and let me go, my turn came. 36 hours of cervidil later, DH and I were begging for some peace and a chance to sleep. They agreed, for two hours, and then insisted it was time for Pitocin.
Shortly later after emptying my bowels, loosing my mucus plug and SROM all within 30 minutes I was in the most pain I've ever felt in my life. It was absolutely horrendous. When they offered a drug that would take an edge of the pain I agreed. They lied. It made me completely high and out of it between contractions. It made it feel like these contractions were on top of each other instead of 5 minutes apart. I have NO recollection of anything between the contractions.
They offered an epi which wouldn't numb anything but the pain. AGAIN the lied. I couldn't feel anything from my boobs down. As soon as the epi was administered they checked and I was fully dilated. I was horrified. My child just received the full dose of an epi and would be born within minutes.
They told me it was time to push, but I laughed. I couldn't feel my legs yet they praised me and told me that I was pushing perfectly. I wanted to stab the OB in her eye. Within 10 minutes my son was born - limp, blue, and stoned.
I absolutely feel that Declan was unnecessarily induced and that any lingering side effects of his prematurity are caused by the set of interventionists I encountered in the hospital. Had I had any previous experience or had I known that I would be fighting of the safety of my child I would have been prepared.
Now I am prepared. Just like with Pre-E, my only cure is delivery - a natural delivery on my own terms. I need to know that I can grow a baby and deliver it as nature intended. I no longer want to think about giving birth and feel robbed, violated, co-erced, prodded and caged. I have and continue to prepare myself for the circumstances where I may have to give birth unassisted.
I will not let them steal from me again.