I'm not here very often. In fact, in the last four months or so I haven't been here at all. I feel like a traitor, I feel like a hypocrite, encouraging women to have natural births when I, myself, made the decision to go to the hospital instead of staying home.
My beautiful, energetic, smart, loving son is six and a half months old, has two teeth and crawls. He was born 3 weeks late by elective c-section for failure to progress. Failure to Progress. I consider this to be the most bull**** reason for a c-section in human history, and I chose it. ME. I brought it up, I convinced my husband, I convinced myself. Me.
And yet, he had a knot in his cord. A KNOT in his CORD. A friend of mine said, "if he had died in the birth canal, you never would have forgiven yourself" and she's right, of course. But we didn't know about the knot, and as the ***** midwife who attended my surgery said, "his cord is really long. It probably wouldn't have pulled tight". I still want to slap her for saying that. If she hadn't, I probably wouldn't have ever second guessed myself.
But she did, and now I have the arguement with myself, every time I think about birth.
But I induced!
I was 43 weeks pregnant, ruptured membranes, six centimeters dilated, and miserable with a PUPPP rash.But I could have waited!
Perhaps. Or Perhaps he could have died.I never should have played with my cervix (My midwives did S&S for four weeks prior to my birth). I never should have tried "natural" induction methods. I should have taken the hint when the castor oil didn't work. My body dilated to six centimeters with a start-and-stop labor over the course of weeks. My water broke during a vaginal exam. I had hard contractions, but they were days apart.
BUT HE HAD A KNOT IN HIS CORD.
Round and round I go. Was he trying to tell me something? Or was he just biding his time? We had serious breastfeeding issues in the first three weeks, would they have been less had I waited to deliver vaginally? Were they because of the anesthesia? Did I harm my son by having surgery? Or did I save his life?
I tried everything during my induction to get the baby to come out. I stayed upright. I relaxed. I don't remember the work of the contractions, or the pain of the back labor, I only remember how it hurt to pee, and how tired I was. I was amazed when he was born and it didn't hurt to pee anymore (after the catheter came out, anyways).
God, I don't know. I'm terrified that I'll never be able to have a home birth, never be able to birth vaginally. I've surprised myself by visualizing my next birth in the hospital instead of at home. I don't want to go to the hospital. They're great, but I want to stay home. I think. But what if the next baby has a knot in its cord, too?
Will I ever stop beating myself up?