At the suggestion of Lisa (luckyme2n2) I've dropped in and just started reading this thread. You are all strong, amazing women and I feel a little less alone after reading your posts. While my labor and delivery was not horribly traumatic and I was able to have a vaginal birth, I ended up doing pitocin and nubaine after planning and preparing for a medicine free birth. I'm only just beginning to come to terms with how nearly a weeks worth of prodromal labor broke my spirit and exhausted my body...leading me to the pitocin and nubaine. I am very thankful that I was in a hospital and with a Dr. who are very anti-intervention; in another hospital I might have been induced much more aggressively and/or had a c-section. That said, I did not have the birth I wanted...I feel as though my body failed me with a weeks worth of prodromal labor...
More later...DD beckons...I think I'm just rambling anyway...
Carla hon ramble away. We're here.
Feeling better these days... more balanced. It could just be that the sun is FINALLY shining after 5 weeks of rain. I think I may have a little bit of SAD because my mood is SO influenced by whether or not the sun makes an appearance - I'm completely giddy, seriously giggling for no reason, when the sun shines - even if it's really cold.
Something changed and I can't pinpoint when. But I've stopped obsessing. I'm still having bad moments, bad hours, bad days, where something has come up that "makes me think about it" but the every waking moment thing seems to have passed. At least, when the sun is shining it has.
I too have another baby on the brain. which is kinda futile since we're not planning another... but I long for an "oops". But to have an oops you really do have to DTD and that's something that has NOT come back to me yet. Not even vaguely. The idea actually kinda grosses me out most of the time. Poor DH. And really, I'm SO not there, that I don't even regret it on my OWN behalf - the only reason I feel concerned about it at all is for DH. I don't want it, don't miss it. I know some of that is nursing... AF has shown up twice but I have no real cycle yet, and my hormones are still very dedicated to feeding the current baby rather than creating another one. But I know part of it is also recovery from the shock of the whole baby-extraction... I don't want to be touched intimately. I just don't. I don't feel yet like my insides are truly my own; the one thing I can't get over is that there's a scar on my uterus. I'm not obsessing about it anymore... but as soon as the thought gets triggered, I just want to sit and cry. It's absolutely devastating to me.
Hi, everybody. I've been lurking here for a couple of weeks and I have so enjoyed reading your thoughts and especially your birth stories.
I'm going through something that I need to talk to someone about so I thought I'd start here.
I'm three days postpartum and had my first full day home from the hospital. My son is healthy and doing well, as am I (no tearing! I am one lucky woman). But I am having a hard time thinking about his delivery.
I had an almost intervention-free labor and delivery. Because I got stuck at 5 centimeters 24 hours after my water broke, pitocin was necessary. Other than that I had no medications and I'm extremely grateful that my team kept me from giving up and getting a C-section (or an epidural, which might have led to a section as well). I'm proud of myself (and DH, who was awesome) for making it through the pain, including five hours of excruciating pushing. But I'm also really traumatized. My labor was the absolute worst thing that has happened to me in my entire life. It was more than painful. It was frightening. For a large portion of it, especially after the pitocin got going, I felt as if I were going to die. Usually pain is your body's way of telling you something's wrong. I just couldn't come around to feeling like it was productive, especially as I went hour after hour without delivering (from water break to delivery was 40 hours). Sometimes I could ride the contractions and use my Bradley training. Other times I felt like I had the worst flu of my life---getting hot and cold and feeling like I was going to vomit any minute. And I was scared out of my mind. At some point I got so exhausted that I was sleeping through the contractions. Then a contraction would come and scare the hell out of me.
I know now why many women choose epidurals, because I did NOT enjoy pushing my son out. It took about ten contractions to get his head out and it was even more painful than the contractions had been on their own (I did not experience the relief of pushing the Bradley method describes). I was so exhausted during this phase that I was actually hallucinating, mixing up the dreams I had between the contractions with what was happening. I was not really present--I was somewhere floating above my body, watching it all but still feeling the pain that accompanied it.
It was also the most vulnerable I'd been in my life. Fortunately I was very well taken care of. But it still feels awful.
I guess what I'm saying is that I only expected to feel happy and proud about a natural birth, not broken and traumatized. I keep replaying the details (involuntarily--must be my way of working through it) and it was just so incredibly horrible.
I wanted to know if this was normal or if I just had an unusually hard labor, or if anyone else felt some of these feelings about their natural delivery.
Understand of course that I'd do it again for my boy in a heartbeat if that's what he needed. I also don't really have regrets. I just didn't expect to feel this way.
Thanks for listening.
I wanted to say thank you to all the posts people have posted on the threads about is natural birthing worth it. They have really helped me come to terms with my birth exsperience and be happy that I had the birth I did and proud of it. Labor just completely took me by surprise by how painful it was. I was completely taken aback by how scared the contractions and pain made me and how I just wanted it over I did not care how. I am glad I had him at home since I am not sure if I would have gone natural at the hospital. Even though from the outside I appeared comepletely calm and focussed I did not feel that way and it scared me. I kept having these feelings like I just wanted to run outside and get away from it all. For some reason I thought that if I got outside all the pain would go away. It was these feelings that scared me the most. I was just really annoyed that natural birth was not what I had thought it would be, but I have realized that is okay. I was so looking foward to feeling him come down the birth canal, but when that point came all I felt was searing pain and I could not distinguish one sensation from another. That was really hard for me. I am really glad I had the birth I did, but I am still coming to terms with the fact that natural birth was not what I expected at all.
I seem to be going through a renaissance of obsessing and i"m not sure what has triggered it. I have a friend who is pg right now and I'm trying so hard not to push my beliefs on her... however I did hand her BFW, my hypnobabies binder & CD's, a completely RABIDLY feminist natural birthing book innocuously called "Tips for Pregnancy and Birth" LOL and "Birthing Traditions from Around the World." I lent out my copy of TWG and am thinking of buying another just so I can lend it to her!
anyway. This isn't about N. But I feel like I need to save her. She hasn't called for MW care which means at this point she's not going to get it (waiting lists around here are LONG). And at the moment she doesn't know enough to care. And I care so MUCH that it's jsut spilling out of me. I keep telling her to shut me up if she needs to, because I seem to be unable to censor what comes out of my mouth.
I'm joining the midwifery consumers group in my area and hope that i'll be able to find some mamas interested in forming a breech consumer's group. I'm just so lonely - I get sympathy on all sides but nobody who is motivated to take any action.
I'm outraged for Miriam. She got cheated out of her birth. I talked to my mum about it - she did say that Miriam was brought out completely calm, so maybe I don't need to worry about it so much. But I do. That missing piece of my memory will never be filled in and I'm having so much trouble making peace with it.
my heart hurts so much still.
Robin . . . lots of love and to you. I absolutely understand.
One of my clients called me last week . . . I had talked to her at the end of October and she was due towards the end of November. We had talked about her intentions of a natural birth, it was such an amazing conversation and I was SO EXCITED for her!!
When she called about adding her daughter onto her insurance (I handle the insurance for her company), of course my first question was "did you have your natural birth?" She did . . . she used a tub for her labor, and delivered naturally.
So. As much as I was totally thrilled for her to have the birth she had planned . . . as she talked about her "50 minutes of pushing," etc. I was simply just jealous. JUST SO FRIGGING JEALOUS. So much so that it brings me to tears. WHY did I have to have the problems I had? WHY did I let myself get talked into induction to be followed by c-section? I told her on the phone, point-blank, that "I'm probably the only woman you'll ever talk to who's jealous that you got to experience 50 minutes of pushing." Because I would have dealt with 2 hours of pushing just to have the experience that I missed out on.
Barring my physical well-being or that of my next baby, I WILL have my next baby naturally. I will have the experience that I'm so longing for. I don't want to live the rest of my life not knowing what it's like to bring my child into the world naturally . . .
On the passing of 2006...
I spent the first 1/3 of the year pregnant, and most of that trying to find someone to catch my baby. Something you're not supposed to have to do in a country where your medical care is paid for - we're not supposed to have to think about it. The 2nd 1/3 of 2006 I spent recovering from surgery I didn't need. The 3rd 1/3 of 2006 I spent trying to react; trying to find a way to be effective and make change.
I cried NYE. I had a performance, then we (the cast and our partners) stayed for the party... midnight came, I hugged DH and just started crying. And again... he didn't know why at first. no fair that he gets to forget. no fair.
This week, the 1st week of 2007, I'm getting together with my new co-conspiritor, whose DH has volunteered to administrate the website we will create. My manifesto: Call all the MW practices and ask them to spread the word that there is about to be a place to talk about the absurdity of automatic c/s for breech. Call and write the SOGC and let them know that this is NOT accpetable. Call & write my MP and let them know that this is NOT acceptable. What kind of public health care system is it when you can walk into a hospital in the PEAK of health, and walk out injured?
ugh DD crying so much for my train of thought...
So my heart is breaking again, all over again.
I just found out that breech birth IS within the scope of practice for Ontario Midwives. I don't know if it was implied or I just assumed that it wasn't and nobody corrected me becuase nobody in MY MW's practice had the experience to do it (they pretty much have to have worked internationally to have gained the exprience for the same reason as the younger OBs). But a MW from another practice had offered to catch Miriam at home as a last resort. I thought she was suggesting somehting illicit, something she'd get in trouble for. My MW never suggested that there might be another MW who could do it it was all, OB, OB, OB, I thought it was high risk and MWs weren't ALLOWED to do it, I'd get this other MW potentially in a lot of trouble for "making" her come to my house. Oh god I jsut feel so betrayed. Why didn't she say anything. How could she let me walk in there not knowing there was another REAL viable alternative? How could she let me sign those papers without knowing? I just want to scream. I feel like I'll never stop crying.
Ella was born 9 weeks ago and while I had a rough birth experience, none of it seemed to matter because I was so in awe of my little girl. I was in a state of complete euphoria. However, while by no means have my feelings for my daughter changed (being a mommy is the best thing in the world!), over the past couple of weeks feelings have surfaced surrounding Ella’s birth. I feel disappointed to say the least, and during my most “down” times, I feel completely traumatized by the experience. I have been lurking on this board for quite some time, but have never really posted. I feel almost silly... almost like a “poser” maybe… because I’ve only started posting here after having an entirely unnatural birth. I guess I see this board as a source of support now, and a place to work through my thoughts and come to terms with my experience. This is my first attempt at thoroughly explaining Ella’s birth so forgive me if it’s broken up over time, or jumps from thought to thought. I’m hoping with time it will flow… if not here then in my memory.
Having worked in the labour and delivery unit of the province's only women's hospital, I had a deep appreciation for the power of the human body, although I had also experienced how the medical world can undoubtedly influence the course of a child’s birth… for better or for worse. Some of us (being the nurses and physicians) encouraged and supported women in their quest to birth naturally, while others were total interventionists. I remember one co-worker stating, “I can help any woman get through it without drugs.” I loved the simplicity of her statement and I idolized and looked up to her as a nurse who would really support and encourage a natural birth plan. On the other hand, a nurse who became a good friend of mine believed in IV’s, epidurals, c-sections following previous c-sections and often raised an eyebrow at written birth plans. I watched some amazing births, some medicalized, some not… it totally depended on what mattered to the woman. What I did realize (as I was pregnant during part of my time there before I changed jobs), was that I knew the different outcomes and I wanted a natural birth. Women who laboured without drugs and gave birth vaginally just seemed so much better off in the end (or rather the beginning J). I wanted this for myself and my baby, but in the back of my mind I always had a feeling it wouldn’t go that way… maybe I sabotaged myself, but I didn’t have any trouble picturing the upcoming experience. The only trouble was, I always pictured myself in the OR being cut open rather than the nice vaginal delivery I was hoping for.
There are two pieces to my birth story that I cling to… things that make me feel better about the experience. I went into labour spontaneously at 41 weeks and 3 days (an induction was planned for the following day!) and my water broke on it’s own.
That was sad to even write down. I only feel ok about two pieces of my beautiful daughter’s birth. Hmmm… thoughts aren’t flowing anymore, I’ll pick up later… and thanks again for encouraging me to post here. (((HUGS)))
As I mentioned, I was scheduled for induction early on November 10th - a round of cervadil, followed by more cervadil or pitocin if I was “favourable”. Having worked in L&D I had watched the pitiful success rate of women being induced from a stand still, and I went home on the 9th hoping I would go into labour on my own… well, actually I went shopping to buy a baby swing, and then to my in-laws’ house because they were closer to the hospital (DH and I live 2 hours away). So after the quick shopping trip, we went to DH’s parents’ house and got settled in. Somewhere between Survivor and Grey’s Anatomy the painless contractions I had been having for the past week really picked up. After several hours they were about 3-5 minutes apart and I really had to work through them, although I felt totally calm and very proud of my body for doing what it was meant to do. I had avoided the induction I didn’t want! Eventually, DH suggested we go to the hospital and I agreed, hoping with all my might that I’d be more than a fingertip dilated and I wouldn’t become of the women I had all-to-frequently sent home to walk.
After a not-so-fun car ride to the hospital I arrived at the birth unit’s early labour assessment unit. I was five centimetres, Yippee!! I started getting some nausea, but I felt in control and empowered that I had made it to that point with no desire for drugs. My natural vaginal birth was in sight. At that point I was able to envision my birth outside of the OR. I pictured delivering the baby and holding her to my chest… and my nurse’s brain even envisioned the stitching up of a tear.
I was admitted to a room and I was left alone to change into a hospital gown. In the bathroom I had the strongest contraction yet. I squatted on the floor and worked through it (squatting seemed to be a nice position). I left the bathroom and felt my water break and gush down my leg. I was so excited. It was all going so smoothly.
Something I haven’t mentioned yet - the nurse who met me in the assessment unit was the same nurse I had made friends with and the same interventionist I described in my previous post. On one hand I was comforted by a familiar presence, on the other I knew her ways and dreaded the inevitable. She would offer a ton of interventions, and she was pushy about it by nature. This was the first time I should have made a different choice. I should have requested a different nurse. I needed that nurse that could “help any woman through a drug free labour”, but I didn’t request the change out of fear that I would offend my friend.
So my water broke on it’s own… and that was the last moment during Ella’s birth that I felt in control and excited.