For sure! A year ago this time I was laying in bed recovering from a c-section and had a newborn who would SCREAM if he was anywhere but in someone's arms! Night 2 in the hospital - I was supposed to be resting and got 2 1/2 hours sleep...
That is absolutely amazing, Connie. I remember supposedly "resting" in the hospital...yeah I think we got a TOTAL of 3 hours in the four days we were there. Blech!
Just to add....do you ever look back to the first days/weeks/months after a traumatic birth and wonder how in the HECK you managed to make it through? I have been thinking about that and I am in absolute awe...
I wonder that too. I really do. I am thankful that my father gave me the opportunity to stay home for another 4 weeks. I couldn't imagine going back after just 4 weeks.
I feel like a hypocrite coming to this board sometimes, too. Even more, I'm so scared that I'll get pregnant again. I don't know what I'd do if I hit 42 weeks.
Sandi, I'm glad that your father was able to help you be able to stay home longer. I know that must have made a huge difference for you.
I know how it is to feel a bit hypocritical in some senses, but you know, there are so many of us on this board who have had interventions, and many, many who have had traumatic births. I try to remember that and in alot of ways feel like I have learned through the school of hard knocks just how important this stuff is, ykwim?
That's one thing for me. I really do want to get pregnant again. But, I do have my fears. What if my bp is high? What if my water breaks and there's meconium again but I want to have a homebirth? What if, what if, what if .
I know that the fear cycle is huge for me. Fear was a big part of what led me to stay with the care providers I had while pg with Will (I was afraid that because of some health conditions I have that I'd nearly die in childbirth). Fear prompted me to not fight harder against the interventions I did have during birth.
We live in a culture and a time where fear and birth unfortunately go hand in hand. It was my experience, in Will's birth, that things started going right when I could let go of the fear and trust the process. So, I equally know that it's important for me to face my fears now, even before I am pregnant with the next child.
Yeah, I've done alot of research, so many times I have the "textbook" answer to my fear, but I find that is so different from really resolving fears on a deep level. So...that is what I continue to work through. For me, it helps to hear others' birth stories. It helps to hear about how others handled what I fear happening and how things played out for them. I start to think that maybe if they can do "xyz" that I can too.
I stayed away from this board for a while after Ethan was born. It just hurt too much... Too much of a reminder of how hard I prepared while I was pregnant, how determined I was to prove the naysayers wrong, how determined I was to do things the best way I could for Ethan... All the things that didn't happen...
The last month of pregnancy my blood pressure shot up. Every appointment ended with a trip to L&D for a NST. Then the u/s that showed my amniotic fluid was gone. Before that u/s I just knew something wasn't right. But to have it confirmed was crushing. My cervix was high and tight - no hope of an induction working.
So I ended up with a c-section without one contraction...
Then twice in the first week and a half Ethan almost ended up back in the hospital. And because of those issues I wasn't able to breastfeed and my supply didn't have a chance to get established. Despite 2 prescription drugs and numerous herbs my supply never came. I had planned on exclusively BF'ing and doing it way past a year old. We even syringe fed him instead of giving him a bottle while I tried to get my supply up. It was a pain but I didn't want nipple confusion.
So I didn't get even close to the birth I wanted, and the double whammy of not being able to BF on top of it...
I got so sick of the comments when people were trying to be helpful. "C-section isn't a big deal" "I didn't BF my kids and there's nothing wrong with them" etc.
I'm really not bitter about any of it. And I feel a lot better than I used to. But it still hurts... Especially since we don't know if we'll have another baby. But I don't want to get pregnant for the purpose of trying to do things right this time, kwim?
The urge to get pregnant is strong. Not because I want another child - because I want to repair the birth. I try to tell myself that having another birth is not going to fix what happened with Miriam; it's done, it's not changeable. It will never be changeable. I accept my role in what happened but it still makes me angry. I am so angry with my MW, who I trusted, who I love(d) with my whole heart. I couldn't stay out of her fear. She lied - or at least, wrongly implied - about who she called for me. I'm starting to consider, now, over 2 years later, having a meeting with her. I suppose I'm due for a well-woman although I have no urge to go in (am I a total freak that pap smears don't make me feel better? I just don't care about them and don't feel any urge to get one), it would be a "non-artificial" way to get in the same room and have a chat. Why do I feel I can't just call her up and talk to her about it? Am I still that concerned about her feelings, NOW, as I still walk around with my nasty itchy keloid scar and horrible periods? I am so totally convinced that my terrible periods have to do with the c/s, or at least with the chiro problems I have had since then. I believe I have the chiro problems because my bones never got stretched open birthing miriam, so they never got a chance to slide back into their places and firm up. I still have a "late pregnant pelvis" with all the instability and SI joint pain that goes with that. Angry. Angry angry angry.
Hello all. I'm in my 5th pregnancy, expecting twins. I'm terriby far along and maybe it is too premature to start worrying about the birth until the 1st trimester is over. However, I do want some direction as to how to manuever myself away from a c/s. I'm AMA and I am pregnant with twins. None of previous pregnancies involved a c/s. I don't want one now but I do think statistically my chances just shot up.
sorry I meant to say I'm not terriby far along.
sending you a pm...
I've come to peace with the intervention I had with Tehani's birth. Who knows, if I had planned a homebirth, if I wouldn't have been transferred to the hospital due to prolonged rupture of membranes and very slow progress. I understand now that because I was tired, my uterus was tired, and a tired uterus doesn't contract well (thank you, Peggy Vincent, author of Baby Catcher).
It get a sick feeling in my stomach to think how close I came to having an unnecessary c-section. I realize now how lucky I was. I'm lucky that my sweet Tehani handled pitocin contractions so well and didn't go into distress (I think will love her for tolerating labor well all her life). I'm lucky that Mindy suggested the interventions that she did to get Tehani out before the on-call OB showed up with his scalpel. ETA, I also believe that I'm lucky that Tehani was in a good position when Mindy ruptured the headwaters and that she stayed in a good position, despite the epidural.
I wish America was different. I wish women, especially first time moms (who tend to have pretty long labors), didn't have to labor under threat of c-section.
I want another child and a chance to have a better birth experience, but now is not the time.
wow, just stumbled upon this thread and it helps to see that other people are still hurt after having an unnecessary c-section too! While I am not opposed to medical interventions I wished I would have been a little wiser when I had my daughter two years ago. I wish I would have know that every intervention I had (induction, epidural etc.) would highten my chances for a c-section. I am still not healed emotionally from surgery and I am full of regret. I am thinking about ttc for #2 and am leaning towards a natural birth plan in order to avoid another c-section. DH is leary about V-bac and I am trying to educate myself as much as possible. Anyway, thanks to all of you who have posted your not-so-great stories and maybe together, we can gather stregnth from pain.
Well, I've entered into a new phase of my healing journey. I am pregnant and due in May 2009!! I am so excited and we are planning for a homebirth. I'm excited to think that we are doing everything we can to make this birth a more positive experience for both me and baby. I have my fears, based on what happened last time, but I'm doing everything I can to work through those and stay positive. I feel like along with blessing my family with another child, God has given us a new chance to do things in a better way.
Activism continues to be my healing path. I sat on Tuesday night with a group of doulas who are associated iwth DoulaCare in Toronto, who patiently listened to my birthstory and waited through the pain it still causes me 2 1/2 years later, and who all entered into a passionate discussion about birth and breech birth and what they can do to help their clients and implement change. What a restorative, inspiring evening. What beautiful, beautiful women.
It does bring home to me how fresh that day still is, how fresh the pain still is if I actually allow it to come forward.
I just "discover this thread" ! SORRY...
Well I have GHOST..; this is how I refer to my birth experience...
I had my ideas... (we all have) and a great (super) DOULA and DH... but
I never had "early" labor I went from NOTHING to Active labor : contraction every 3mn or 4mn lasting over 50sec each..... started at 2am.... went to Hospital after talking to my OB and my doula at 9am.... NEVER dilated (arrived at 1cm) after 24hr I was barely 5cm....
Baby turned and he went from perfect LOA to EXTREMELY PAINFUL BACK LABOR.... I got saline shot for this and the pain went away... (my doula knew about those)
got an EPI (agreed on without regrets) after 24hr was DEAD TIRED....
I asked for LOW dose and I could move my legs alone...
after 36 hr or active labor my OB and my MW came in and told me (I was only 8cm then) it is UP TO YOU we either go now on C-Section or we can give you an other 12hrs....
I was exhausted and tired I said NOW...
I am very UPSET after ME and NOBODY ELSE....
why did my body didn't work with me...
why didn't had the strengh to go few more hours...
I have a "hole" now.. I have a baby but never really gave birth to him...
Only the one who had C-Section like me understand the "giving birth" mising part....
I still can't look at my scar... and it is has been almost 9 month.....
I love my son and Idon't think of the hours before I had him him my arms when I am with him!.... but alone at night I do.....
This is it for now.....
I had a realization last night. Even those who understand that the birth experience is significant separate from the outcome have tried to help me by saying, "Just look at your beautiful baby and let your love for him help you heal" or other things to that effect...
But it doesn't help. In fact sometimes the suggestion that it should help makes me feel resentment towards him - and that's not fair. And when you know that over 80% of babes born in developed countries are born healthy no matter how they got here - it helps even less. You can't make it a goal to achieve something that is all but guaranteed.
And the thing is that I can accept that the MW had a valid reason in her mind that made her decide to transfer - it's what happened after that decision that was truly traumatic. It was being stripped of my support systems and being attended by this MW who did not, by her actions, have the best interest of me or my baby at heart. Inside my birth experience I was violated, stripped of my dignity and all my desires for the birth. I had no advocate and no one to protect me or my baby. Not during the birth and not afterward.
As it turned out, Yitzchak was born with low apgars and was blue and taking his time getting a full deep breath. But it was in spite of the MW, the doctors and the nurses that he filled his lungs and brought himself fully into this world. They did nothing but harm and yet in spite of that my son is healthy and beautiful and here. So how do you evenheal from that? How do you find purpose or meaning or peace in a circumstance that seems to have none?
I know it's only been 3 weeks, but I feel I don't have a way to make this heal, I feel like it won't be different in another 3 weeks, or 3 months or 3 years, b/c I don't see a way to come to peace. It might be duller, but will it go away? I don't know...
I've been avoiding this board, and birth, and myself for more than six months. If healing has happened for me, it has been passive - like the way your body heals from a cold if you ignore it long enough,and then one morning two weeks later you realize you slept all night and you're not congested at all.
In the past two weeks Birth has hunted me down, forced me to remember her and remember how much I once loved her. And also how vicious she can be. How subvertivly she injects her precepts into every other chapter of your life. She found me, I cowered and she insisted that I watch. That I be present and informed and that I bear witness to her beauty and her ugliness, her silence and her fury, her undying strength and her paralyzing fear.
I watched, I advised, I conferred, and I wept.
And now I know that there is an active part that I must play in my healing - and I must take this step. Today it was shown to me that I am at the hub of a network of people that need to be connected and that the butterfly effect that I pray will ensue can affect real, tangible change for women giving birth here in Israel.
I'm putting this here in the hope that getting these thoughts out will be a step towards making them a reality. I know I'm being ambiguous, but that's because it's still ambiguous to me. And it feels too big to put into words. But this purpose has filled me the way water fills every crevice of space in its container, the way it will even defy gravity to fill in each crack. As I find the words, I will share them. But for now I feel I have taken a necessary step just by writing this down.
I keep coming to this thread and then chickening out... Maybe soon I can start dealing with it. I created a private blog tonight to start putting my feelings together. I think that's the first step...
Now to hit Submit Reply before I chicken out again...
*My healing birth story edited with what I wish I had done, and would do now in the same situation, as well as what I discovered after reading my medical records.*
(First, I would have hired a doula and taken some sort of childbirth preparation that was not hospital based; Bradley or Hypnobabies.) Sunday December 14, 2008, I began having contractions around 3 a.m. that were spaced around 5 minutes apart. I tried to go back to sleep to no avail, so I got up and got in the bathtub hoping to ease the discomfort. Nothing seemed to work, so I got back in bed and just waited it out. Later that evening DH and I decided to go to L&D and see if there was any progress. The Wednesday prior at my 38 week appointment, I was dilated to maybe a “fingertip” according to my doctor. After they examined me in L&D I was about 1-2 cms. They sent me home to wait for my contractions to get more painful or closer together.
Monday December 15, 2008, I was in a lot more pain throughout the early morning. I did not get any sleep and decided to see if my OB would see me in his office so we would not have to drive all the way to L&D again. When I got there he said I was still maybe 1-2. I was almost in tears at points because the contractions were so intense, but no closer together. I had a prenatal massage scheduled for that morning that I almost cancelled but decided to go in the hopes it would relax me a little. That was the best thing EVER! During the massage and afterwards, my contractions completely eased off. I could feel the tightening, but no pain during them for several hours.
Later that afternoon when I got home, I started to get the chills and took a bath because it was really cold outside. Then it occurred to me that I might have a fever. I took my temp and got 101.9 and we were off to L&D again. After the exam (I would not have allowed this exam as that was not the reason I was at the hospital. I was there for the fever.) the doctor said I was around 2.5 dilated, and baby looked great on the monitors. They then sent me home and told me to take Tylenol. (Here I would have told them that I was already taking Tylenol and I would have insisted that something be done, or at least requested a second opinion. I had the "gut feeling" at this point, but I was allowing them to talk me out of it.)
Tuesday December 16, 2008, I woke up early morning again with a ton of contractions around 3 to 4 minutes apart but still the same intensity. BUT I had horrible chills. I felt like I was rocking the bed. I decided to get up and take a bath to try to warm up and I took some Tylenol, phenergan, and tried to drink some water. After my bath I got really nauseated and threw up. I decided to take my temperature again and got 103.5! Off to L&D again!
This time as soon as they hooked me up to the monitors, I knew something was wrong. My LO’s heart rate was around the 200s. The doctor seemed really concerned and immediately admitted me. During the exam I had not made any progress (I would not have allowed this exam either; again, I was there for the fever and the pain, not to see how much "progress" I had made). They put me on fluids, and continually monitored the baby. Later that evening my fever broke (I sweated through all the linens… gross!) and the baby’s heart rate dropped to a better level. They said if my fever stayed down they would talk about inducing on Wednesday. (At this point, knowing now what I know about Chorio, I would have insisted on an immediate induction since time is of the essence with this infection. The longer the baby stays in when the infection is uncontrolled, the more risk there is to mother and baby especially if you are at term, and I was 39 weeks.) They also did an amnio to make sure the baby’s fluid was not infected, and then they flu-tested me and took all kinds of blood. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, and the next day is where all the fun began.
Wednesday December 17, 2008, at 8:30 am they entered the pill to ripen my cervix (Cytotec) some more since I had not had any progress but was having regular contractions (I would never have allowed Cytotec if I had been truly informed). At 1:00 pm they started the pitocin. The contractions got a little more intense, but nothing unbearable. At 2:30 pm I was 100% effaced so the doctor decided to break my water (I would never allow AROM knowing what I know now about Chorio or knowing she was posterior). I immediately went to about 4 cms and the pain was tremendous, especially to my right side and around the right side of my back. (This is where I would have INSISTED that I be able to get up and move around. I had been redirected back to my bed and on the monitors several times at this point.) At 3:00 pm they allowed me to get the epidural (With the infection and the increased pain perception it causes, I think I would have ended up with the epidural anyways, but I would at least have waited until hitting 5 cms since I now know that getting one so early significantly increases the chance of a c/s). It gave me some relief but never took effect on my right side or right side of my back. (Here I would have asked for them to re-do the epidural instead of just giving me more doses of the meds. Or if that was not possible I would have asked for a spinal.) The next few hours were pretty much a blur of pain and DH telling me to breath. They gave me several doses of the epidural but it never took full effect on my right, although my legs were completely gone. Around 12 am I started throwing up because of the pain and was losing my mind because I had not made any further progress. The doctor decided to do a C/S due to “failure to progress”. I was ready for anything; I just wanted to be out of pain.
They finally took me to the back and gave me so much epidural medicine that the anesthesiologist had to call and get a second opinion. They kept asking me in between contractions if I could feel them pinching my belly and I could. The epidural only took effect from my hips down. So they decided I would have to go completely under. I was so upset because DH could not be there, but I felt like I was going to die if they didn’t do something soon. I went out like a light. (I would have wanted to try the spinal before going under general anesthesia.)
Sylvia Joleigh was born at 3:18 am on Thursday December 18, 2008. She was 8 lbs. and 19 inches long. I wasn’t really able to enjoy her at first because I felt so weak and I had the shakes so bad. They were uncontrollable. DH was wonderful though. I knew he was really worried about me, but he took great care of her during that time period. We were sent to postpartum and I thought everything was going well until the nurse noticed that my baby girl was grunting constantly. I thought it was just normal baby stuff, but they took her temp and it was low. Her blood sugar was also extremely low (around 35). And that’s when they made the call to put her in NICU. I think that maybe she ended up with the same infection I had. They did so many tests (on her and me) and they all came back negative. No flu, no cold, no nothing; just an elevated white blood count. But they decided to keep her and run a full course of antibiotics. It was heartbreaking to me to see her with an IV in her head and oxygen on. I have never cried so much in my life. I couldn’t stand having to leave her every day.
Finally on Sunday they released me from the hospital and we stayed in a hotel across the road until they released Sylvia on Tuesday. The best Christmas present ever! She is breastfeeding like a champ and doesn’t seem to have any problems. And in between that time DH’s command denied a Red Cross request for an emergency leave extension (but that’s in a whole other post). (Here I should have raised HOLY HELL with his rear-detachment and Red Cross!!!)
So it was a very long, painful, and emotional, process but totally worth it when I look into my little girl’s eyes, or watch her while she sleeps. Thanks for reading!
What I found out after the fact, once I read my medical records in 2010:(I should have insisted that my OB sit down with me and take the time to go over my medical records at my post-partum appointment. I tried to ask questions, he gave me a bunch of medical mumbo-jumbo that I didn't understand, and then rushed me out the door. I wish I had made him go through page by page and explain to me what happened and why.)
-I had an infection called Chorioamnionitis. Some of the signs are high fever, increased fetal and/or maternal heart rate, uterine sensitivity, extremely ineffective contractions, excessive bleeding after birth
-Amniotic fluid of an infected mom also often shows low glucose and elevated white blood counts, both of which Sylvia had after birth
-The baby was posterior
-One of the worst things you can do with a mother who has Chorio is rupture membranes if they haven’t been ruptured. I also should have never let them rupture my membranes since she was posterior.
-With Chorio, every effort should be made to limit cervical exams
-Sylvia had to be resuscitated at birth
-I lost 800 cc of blood which is basically a hemorrhage
Well, there ya go! Thanks for reading if you made it through. I know there is no sense in re-playing and wishing I could have done things different. At least I am at peace now knowing that the pain I was feeling was justified and not just from "being a first-time mom". I am also at peace knowing that the c/s was most likely imminent. I think it is something like 60% of moms who present with Chorio need a c/s, and that it is considered a medical emergency. There for the longest I felt like maybe I had dreamed all of this up in my head and that it wasn't as bad as it sounded or looked when I wrote it out. But it was bad! WAY bad! I also found out later that Chorio can be fatal in newborns; I can't remember the exact number, but 10-15% who are born with signs of infection do not make it
If you need a little back story, here is my birth story: http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showpost.php?p=8156868&postcount=321
I think every day about William's birth. I think about things I wished I had done differently.
I know I was at the end of my rope. I know that at the time I couldn't trek on anymore. I know I had to go to the hospital for the epidural, but what if I had slept longer maybe I wouldn't have needed the epidural. After 25 hours of labour, and multiple hours stalled at 9cm I was exhausted. If I had slept longer after I went into labour at 3:30am would I have had the energy to carry on? If I had done more squats on the stairs would William's head have turned so I could have pushed him out at home? If I had him at home my midwife would not have cut an episiotomy like the OB did. I wouldn't have had to walk around for weeks after William's birth with that pain as a reminder (and wouldn't have a scar forever). I should have told the OB not to cut me, but I was scared enough as it was and just wanted my baby out.
I've had people tell me "I knew you'd get the drugs". I didn't get the drugs for the pain. I laboured for 25 hours without the drugs. The pain wasn't the reason I got the drugs, I got the drugs because my body was exhausted, I was exhausted and an exhausted Mom can't push out a baby.
I talk about natural birthing and I've had people tell me "well you didn't have your baby naturally"... no I didn't... but I wish I had.
After William's birth, I said up and down that I was "okay" with his birth. But I wasn't. I don't know who I was trying to convince. I was sad. I didn't get the birth I wanted, the birth I'd envisioned.
I had the honour of attending 5 home births. There is part of me that is so crushed because I can't say "I got my homebirth". I am such an advocate for natural birthing, especially after William's birth. "Aren't epidurals wonderful?" No... No they're not. Once I had my epidural my labour stopped, and once I had the pitocin William's heart rate crashed. I also feel a little cheated because of my epidural. I didn't get to feel the birth of my son. I know some people would tell me I'm lucky for not being able to feel the pain of childbirth. But I wanted the whole birth experience. Having been to births I had an understanding of the pain that was involved, but I wanted that, I wanted to feel my boy being brought into this world.
I know next time will be different. I know next time I can try again for my home birth.
I tried to go into William's labour open minded. I knew that complications could happen; I just didn't think they would happen to me.
I've been debating posting anything at all, I feel like I shouldn't complain. I feel guilty for complaining about the birth of my perfect son. I feel like complaining about the birth means I'm complaining about him, even though I know none of this birth was his fault. He couldn't have done anything differently...
I feel really silly and unjustified in my feelings. It could have been worse, I could have had a c-section, and other people have had worse birth experiences... so what gives me the right to complain? After all, I was able to delivery my healthy baby vaginally.
Anyway, I just needed to get this out and put it some place where people have been through the pain that I feel. I'm sad that other people have felt this sadness, but at the same time, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
I know I'll become more and more okay with William's birth and someday maybe I'll look back and say "I gave it my all". But for now, 4 months later, my heart hurts and aches from the birth I didn't get.
I guess this is as good a place as any to start. I decided early on I wanted a natural birth, all through antentala classes they all said you wait you'll be asking for the gas and the pethadene, but I knew what I wanted and I am pretty stubborn. I read up on hypnobirthing, but didn't find out there were classes nearby (well an hour or so away)until about 35 weeks. I was as ready as I could be and hubby was supportive of whatever I wanted, obviously so long as I and bub weren't at risk.
QAt my 36 weeks appointment the midwife plapated my belly and asked me to raise my legs because she couldn't find the head and needed to feel lower, At this point she said it felt as though bub was well head down and ready to go and the heartbeat on the doppler seems to have supported this fact. They realised I hadn't seen the doctor which is supposed to occur at 36 weeks, so scheduled me to see him the next week.
At 37 weeks I saw the doctor and he did an ultrasound for positioning and growth. Immediatly he pronounced that bub was breech. He gave me very few options at this point so I went home and researched and started doing anything I could to turn bub. I searched my small town for a chiropractor who worked with pregnant women. The one I chose had a high success rate with breech babies. I was at the chiro daily.
38 weeks and the scan showed bub was stille breech, at this point I was offered an ECV and went the next day (it was at a hospital around an hour away, my local hospital does not do anything they deem high risk). The doctor performing the ECV tried as hard as he could, even going beyond where he would have usually stopped because I was tolerating it well (thank you hypnobirthing), but bub wouldn't turn. They explained the risks of a breech birth and asked if I wanted to schedule my c-section now (this hospital will deliver breech vaginally however still prefer a c-section). I explained I wasn't from there and would speak with my own doctor at my next appointment.
I reserached more, shared my research with hubby, added Bowen therapy to the chiro and spinning babies, played music, spoke to baby (did the drugs are bad talk) and went to my 39 week appointment, still breech. Doctor wanted to schedule a c-section and I refused wanting to give bub every chance to turn. Back to chiro and all of the above that I was trying with efforts double seeing as I had started my leave.
at 39 and 5 I went into labour. This is my birth story: (I took bits and pieces out)
I felt absolutly fine and was making a huge to do list for the week to keep me occupied. I had no signs of anything happening at all. I was watching tv and hubby called for me to pick him up and on the way in I noticed I had a bit of a cough like I get when I am having issues with my asthma, but thought nothing of it, maybe that there was a small change int he weather coming or it was just hormones. I came home with hubby got his tea and fed the cats before I went to bed. I noticed the cats weren't scarfing their dinner down like normal, but I just thought it was because they are never really fussed on loaf style food which is what they had for the night. In hind sight heir behaviour was really abnormal though and hubby said when he came to bed they were both lying right next to me watching me very closely.
Anyway, I went to bed around 10ish and Lyle came in around 12:20am and cuddled up. I lay there for about ten minutes and then decided I needed to go to the toilet. I sat up and had a small gush. I swore and told Lyle I think I had just peed myself, which he thought was quite funny until I got another small gush and realised it was probably my water breaking. I told him and he asked if he had time for a shower and I said to go for a quick one while I rang the hospital to let them know I was on my way, that bubby had been breech for a few weeks and I thought my water had broken. During this time I had another gush and asked Lyle to bring a towel because a pad wasn't going to cut it any longer. I waddled around the house with a towel between my legs getting dressed and grabbing the bags and the last few bits and pieces and then drove to the hospital (yes I drove myself to the hospital). All the way there I had a few more gushes, but nothing else. We pulled up at the hospital and went in, by the time I got to the door I was having some uncomfortableness which I guess was the start of contractions and by the time they let us in (doors locked and had to be buzzed in) and by the time I got to the maternity ward the uncomfortableness was full blown contractions and becoming very unpleasant, and this was maybe a 5 minute walk (well waddle, I still had the towel between my legs). I was given a classy pad for my waters and the midwives checked bub's position and found he was still breech so they did an internal exam to check the cord wasn't presenting and rang down to get theatre ready for me. I didn't even ask how dilated I was because once they found he was breech I knew it didn't matter it was an immediate c section. I was offered to go to the bigger hospital an hour away, but hubby doesn't drive and I knew with the way contractions were it wouldn't be safe for me to drive myself. They put the catheter in at this point and I was in tears because I had to have the c-section. The doctor came in with the consents and I signed them while contracting. The contractions went from nothing to very close together very quickly, but I never bothered timing them because of the c-section, but they were much closer than 5 minutes apart, maybe 2 or 3 minutes at the most, some of them may not have even been that far apart. It felt like someone was trying to push my pelvis in two and like I was having really bad cramps in the very tops of my legs and pelvis area. The midwives sent me for a shower for pre op and got me ready. I saw the pad they had given me and I had lost my mucous plug onto it at some point. Once they were ready I was pushed down to theatre crying the whole time. Lyle was with me the whole time until we got to the doors and then he was sent to get into scrubs and had to wait while I was given the spinal. They said they would put the spinal in between contractions and I plainly told him he had better be quick because that was a very small window of oppurtunity. He started putting it in at the end of a contraction and before he was finished another one had started. I was shivering and crying but got through the needles and was set for surgery. Lyle came in and sat next to me and was reassuring me this was what was best for bub. He was watching what was happening in the light above us because he couldn't see over the drape and they annouced bub was coming out. Lyle looked up and said "It looks like a rabbit, but thats not a tail. We've got a Ronin" (we didn't find out the gender prior to birth). I think I cried a little bit then, I wasn't expecting a boy, and truth be told if bub had been a girl would have had the same reaction as I wouldn't have been expecting a girl either, it's like this was the first time the whole pregnancy had felt real.
He cried very quickly and peed on the floor of the room even before he started to cry. The midwife took him to wrap him up and make sure he was ok and bought him straight to us as quickly as she could. It was really hard for me because I couldn't hold him, but Lyle was and he was right up at my face. He was as the midwives put it a typical breech and his little legs wouldn't stay down so we had his feet sticking up as well. The midwife asked how big we thought he was and I said I thought maybe 8 pound something and she agreed. They finished up the surgery and had to give Ronin to Lyle and he took him out of the room while they transferred me to another bed and got me sorted, the wheeled me out to the hall where the midwife immediatly placed Ronin on my chest for skin to skin and to feed. He found his way very quickly and the midwife was surprised at how well and how quickly he had latched. We went back to our room and settled in for a few hours and then let family and friends know around 5:30/6 am that we had Ronin. They weighed him (mind you he had been feeding for awhile at this stage) and he came up 6lb 8oz which surprised us all. Hubby had to come home because he had work and wanted to try and get some sleep before he started his shift. Poor guy only got a half hour then did a full day at work, and came to see me in his break.
I hate that I now have this horrible scar forever, but love the little man the I got from it. Am I ok with my birth, not really, but in the circumstances it was for the best, hubby asked me not to have a vaginal birth because he didn't like the idea of putting Ronin at any increased risk because of his breech position and I respected his wishes because he was so supportive with everything and frankly it would not have been safe for me to drive myself to the other hospital, and it would have been a long wait for my Mum to come and get me, we might not have made it to the hospital. I guess I can only give myself the peace of mind that I tried everything I could to get him to turn, refused to schedule a c-section to give him until the last minute (gee wonder where his stubborn in not turning came from) and the fact I have a beautiful, healthy almost 6 month old is something I need to rmemeber more often. Oh and having hubby annouce he looked like a rabbit is a moment that will stay with me forever.
I think I've reached a curve in my view of Will's birth.
I used to be upset with myself for not trying harder to have him at home. But I think all those feelings boil down to my treatment at the hospital.
The OB on call really did not make me feel good. As soon as I got there, he walked into the room, and without even looking at me in the eye, said "section".
My midwife took him out of the room and when he returned he introduced himself and then checked my chart. I feel as though he was upset with me for trying a home birth. Everything I've heard/read about this OB he has horrible reviews for natural birthing mothers, so I can only imagine he wasn't impressed with me trying for a home birth.
After he introduced himself he had to perform a cervical check to see how far dilated I was because I wanted an epidural... the cervical check he performed was horrible. They're not comfortable as it is, but this check was violent. I remember yelling it hurt so bad.
After I got my epidural a nurse came in and said "we're going to start your pitocin" and I asked to speak with my midwife before the nurse started that, and the nurse gave me a dirty look, scoffed and said "fine".
The OB came in when they couldn't find Will's heart on the monitors and he was saying "section" the whole time. He had to perform another cervical check, because if I was fully dilated I was going to try and push. This check was just as horrible as the first one. Even though I had an epidural it was excruciating when he checked me.
Thankfully I was able to push out my baby in 3 contractions (with the help of a vacuum).
While he was sewing up my episiotomy (which I never wanted..) he offered to put in an extra stitch for my husband. What gives him the right to insinuate that my vagina is not adequate and that I need an "extra stitch".
I was in horrible pain from my stitches they put me on morphine. I learned 2 weeks later that my stitches were too tight and my midwife had to remove 3 undissolved stitches.
Looking back on this, I feel like the OB was punishing me. Like I was a problem and he kept doing all he could so I would be a "section".
All in all, this only makes me strive for a home birth with baby #2. I don't want to be treated like I'm nothing because I wanted to have my baby at home. I should have been treated with dignity and respectfully, instead I was only made to feel like an inconvenience...
... next time will be different!
I pretty much avoided this board after Brayden was born, I felt like such a failure. Im coming back now as I am trying for a VBAC with this one.
With Brayden, I PLANNED to do everything naturally. We took 1 on 1 birthing classes. We hired a doula with years of experience. I went to a Webster-trained chiropractor, I got massages. I sat on my birthing ball and did spinning babies.
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and ended up "insulin dependent" - which was probably really wrong. I was in residency and I couldnt keep my sugars under control after dinnertime. Go figure, that's when cortisol levels are the highest and I was stressed out of my gourd anyway. I refused glyburide and by the end took 10 units of novolog 30 minutes before dinner each night. I was always in excellent control.
I fought with my OB, who wanted to induce me at 38 weeks, I said no, but compromised on 40 weeks. Brayden was OP, did NOT want to come down. At 39 weeks, I was hardly effaced or dilated, and she insisted that I could NOT go past my EDD (never gave me a really good reason though, he was passing his biweekly NSTs with flying colors). So, I agreed to a "staged" induction.
I went in at 39+4 and had cervidil for 12 hours, which did nothing. I went to see her in her office 2 days later and was "fingertip", and she swept my membranes (OUCH). I was also doing all the other things to encourage labor - walks, sex, etc.
I went in Sunday (Monday was my EDD) expecting more Cervidil, but I was contracting and I guess they cant do it if you're contracting. I had a Bishop score of 2 at that point, and the started pit at 5 pm. My doula's special needs 20something year old son developed pneumonia and was admitted to the ICU on the same day, and she had no backup. So, she wasnt there at that point. I took an Ambien and tried to go to sleep but it didnt help much.
At 0800 the next morning, my OB came in and told me it was GOING to happen THAT DAY, and that nothing had changed since the night before (despite the night of pit). So, I stupidly allowed her to do AROM. (stupid, in retrospect). Then, they CRANKED the pit. I had my birthing ball, etc, but I was on a monitor due to the pit and was pretty nonmobile, and as they cranked it, the contractions clustered - each lasting about 5 minutes with 2-3 peaks per contractions, with about 30 seconds between contractions.
My doula came at about 10 am, but didnt do much but sit in a chair and stare at me (she was very obviously preoccupied, which is TOTALLY understandable...but...well...). We ended up sending her home to go be with her son. Even with the pit cranked to 60, I made approximately zero progress (probably b/c it hurt SO. DAMN. BAD) and after several hours, I gave in and got an epi to see if it would help. I had told them to turn the pit down and they outright refused. (this pisses me off more the more I think about it). I made it to 5 pretty quickly, then to 8 by about 9 pm. However, Brayden was still ballotable, not turning, not descending or engaging at all. My epidural failed 3 times. By about 9:30pm, I was so tired I was having double vision. Luckily, Brayden was tolerating things well.
I, on the other hand, was climbing the bedrails with every contraction.
So, when they recommended the c-section (and told me that everybody ELSE had already HAD their babies), I gave in out of pure exhaustion. The anesthesiologist put lidocaine in my epidural for the section, but I still felt everything. I refused to let the knock me out, and despite the pain, I was so tired that I was intermittently passing out/falling asleep. I couldnt even focus on Brayden when DH brought him to me and though I wanted him in the OR with me, I sent them to get the newborn stuff over with while they finished the surgery.
I did get to breastfeed him within an hour after birth, which was good, but I was still so tired it was crazy.
I had major issues breastfeeding, and the ONLY reason I perservered with it was because of the overwhelming guilt that I deprived him of the birth he deserved and by golly, I WAS going to make up for it by breastfeeding for a year or more, come hell or high water. I did, too, but it doesnt alleviate the guilt.
I'm trying to find an angels singing moment. I'm having a lot of trouble finding anything at all right, never mind perfect. Even the moments with Miriam were so distorted by the environment and all the garbage going on. I can think of moments that should be it except that the whole thing was so wrong. The moment it "should" be is when DH put M beside my head and I could feel her touch my face but I still couldn't even see her. If I have to say "I suppose that's it" then I guess that's not it, eh? It would be obvious? Do i not GET one of those?