Need help feeling incredibly defeated

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Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380
Need help feeling incredibly defeated

So I didn't share that I had to take the fun 3 GTT. I almost refused, but decided to do it. I was diagnosed with GD with my 2nd child. That is the birth that essentially got me into a vbac unfriendly state. With Lilly was diagnosed GD and I was also on blood pressure medication for elevated blood pressure. Sound at all familiar??? At the time I didn't believe I had any options. The doctor wanted to deliver my baby at 38w. I was neither dialated nor effaced. He felt it best to just do the repeat section because he didn't want to do an induction. At the time I was not as informed as I am now. I really wanted the vbac and felt so defeated. When I got pg with my son, I neither had GD nor had the high blood pressure I had with Lilly (my 2nd). What I did have was preterm contraction (or so they said, I question that now because I never dialated even up until 36w) anyway they gave me absolutely no option. It was repeat c-section, no chance of anything else. It was essentially these experiences that led me to where I am today.

I started out heavier this pg then I did with any of my other kids. I had a miscarriage in May 2010 and I held on to all the weight I had gained, plus put on a little more. I wasn't huge or anything, but heavier. When I found out I was pg I was so excited. I was determined to find a care provider to deliver me. I had bleeding off and on most of the 1st trimester. Of course coming off a miscarriage it scared the crap out of me. On top of everything else my father had a massive stroke which he nearly died from. He spent a month in a nursing facility and while he is much better, he is still not fully healed. My mother has been in the hospital 2x over the winter. My mother is incredibly ill. She is on a transplant list for a new kidney. She is severe diabetic, has parkinson's disease and early stage dimentia. She has neuropathy and is legally blind due to her diabetes. She had gotten all mixed up with her medication and od'd on purpose on pain killers which landed her in the psychiatric ward. This was right before Christmas. Well she ended up back in there after Christmas. They changed her medication around and seems to be doing much better. But I can tell you the stress of all of this has been incredibly horrible for me. On top of all that I am not on some type of probationary discipline thing at work because I "didn't communicate effectively" during my absences and I missed too much work. I want to quit this job anyway and just focus on childbirth education and doula and well most of all focus on my kids. Anyway stress stress stress. I can't lose my job at this point because we will go bankrupt. (literally)

So I get this call from the dietican at the hosptial wanting to set up an appt. Of course I had never even talked to my doctor about any of this yet. I seriously can't believe this is happening. He was already talking delivery at 38w due to my chronic hypertension. Now this. I did really well controlling my GD with my daughter and my numbers were fantastic, so I have no issue with that part of it. The idea of sticking myself for blood draws over and over each day is not something I want to do though. Please any advice on what I can do to try to keep my dream alive because I have an ob appt tomorrow and I just know what he is going to say. I really do like my ob a lot and considering the state of vbac's here in my little community I felt blessed to have found him, but he is a maternal fetal specialist and this is what he does. He is very natural birth friendly, but I do think he will even have a threshold. I have been having contractions already (like last time). Very inconsistent, but can be fairly strong. Ideas and advice greatly appreciated.

LMCH's picture
Joined: 02/05/07
Posts: 2031

I don't have any experience with GD or chronic HTN, but I wanted to stop and give some hugs and best wishes for a good appointment with some game plan that will still include a possible VBAC :bigarmhug:

MrsMangoBabe's picture
Joined: 04/09/07
Posts: 2276

oh, honey, you have been through so much! I can tell you are really stressed, and I can see how having to face the added stress of having to constantly check your blood sugar feels so overwhelming on top of all of that. Honestly, I think it would be next to impossible to find a care provider who wasn't uncomfortable with a VBA3C with hypertension and GD. Your doctor needs to know that you are keeping your sugars under control so he can be sure your baby isn't going to be macrosomic, because that would make VBAC a bad idea. I hope VBAC is still a possibility for you, I really want it for you. You know, though, I read this today, and maybe it will be helpful for you to read it, too...it is written by a who had 2 c/s and will never have a vaginal birth: http://speakhertruth.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-will-never-have-birth-i-wanthealing.html

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

Thank you both! That blog article made me so sad. I feel so bad for her, but I am afraid I am going to be her. I have been really trying to stay positive, but it has been really hard and I have been fighting with dh terribly, which isn't helping.

Melissa1223's picture
Joined: 01/10/07
Posts: 149

I wish I had some useful advise, but your situation is complicated and frustrating. I just wanted to offer support and hope that you will be able to get some a few minutes of peace to really think and feel your way through this. I hope your OB is willing to really communicate with you and keep you involved in his care plan.

Your baby is so lucky to have a mom who cares so much about her. Whatever happens you will make the best decisions you can for her well being. Just keep thinking about the baby as the goal, and I'm sure the rest will make sense soon.

///Hugs

ekcanada's picture
Joined: 05/06/09
Posts: 1707

Christy, i am so sorry I have nothing to add but wanted to give you some hugs and my thoughts will be with you!

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4103

You took the 3-hour test, meaning you didn't pass the 1-hour test? Did they have you fast beforehand? If so, that could definitely have caused you to fail. The GD test isn't supposed to test your reaction to sugar itself, it's supposed to test your reaction to excess sugar which means not fasting beforehand, and the acceptable levels are different than when diagnosing regular diabetes. Don't let them *give* you a diagnosis of GD if you don't want to accept it. Have you had sugar in your urine at routine appointments? If not, and if your levels are just barely above the GD definition, then personally I would change my diet & say screw them on the GD. Find out what your levels were at each hour, and do your own research about GD diagnosis, and talk with your doctor about how you feel & what your plan looks like.

The dietician might be calling because of your past issues with chronic hypertension. That's also something you obviously want to avoid in pregnancy, but the good news is that both hypertension & GD can be solved with the same simple diet changes. Also try to find a way to channel your stress out of your body -- yoga, massage, journalling, exercise, screaming into your pillow on a regular basis, whatever feels best to you. Good luck to you!

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4103

Oh, and the contractions don't mean anything as long as they're not causing dilation. It's prodromal labor & some women have to deal with it for weeks or months. It sucks, but it's not dangerous. As long as it's not causing dilation. I'm never one to suggest asking for a vaginal exam, but it might give you some peace of mind.

:bighug:

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

:bigarmhug: Just wanted to offer hugs and support. I hope you can find some ways to relieve the stress and work through everything. Thinking of you!

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

He said exactly what I thought he was going to. I am strike 3 and no longer a vbac candidate. My numbers were high but not terrible. I will go see the dietican lady just because it will give me a good idea of what to eat every day. I don't know what I am going to do yet. I talked to a hb midwife and she is going to meet with me on Saturday and do a urine stick to see if I have any glucose in my urine. I didn't as my ob and he didn't say anything about that. I have both diabetes and high blood pressure in my family. High blood pressure is what caused my father's stroke (who was otherwise totally healthy). I wasn't eating all that terrible, but I tend to like things like pasta and cereal etc so that probably is my problem. I sent some feelers out to ICAN to see if I can find another doctor. I know that I will have to travel though. My current ob wants to deliver me at 38w. which is what the ob I had with my 2nd wanted and did do as well. My husband is like they can't cut you without your consent and I know he is right, but I really really didn't want to have this fight. I have condidered doing yoga anyway because of all the crazy stress I am under and I think the hypnobabies will help. Of course I am sick right now too which is just lovely. Sigh!

Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 621

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry for everything you are going through and the struggles you are facing Sad

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4103

I'm sorry, maybe I missed something. You have hypertension and gestational diabetes. Controlled hypertension is NOT a contraindication to VBAC. Controlled diabetes is NOT a contraindication to VBAC. What is the other "strike," because I'm ready to know that one out of the park, too!

:brucelee::caveman: Darn, I can't a bat-swinging smilie but I think you get my drift...

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

My other strike was just that I was a vba3c. I am going to fight this because at 26w there is no way for them to know what things will look like at delivery time.

emommyof2's picture
Joined: 09/26/10
Posts: 310

*hugs and support*

I hope you find someone who's willing to give you a chance. I think its lawsuit paranoia that drives most doc's to switch to the auto "no" answer whenever a case presents that might be the slightest bit challenging!

The Hypertension and GD are of course problems but if you work at it and take care of yourself they wouldn't necessarily deny you the chance of a VBAC. Keep fighting hun, I may not have the faintest clue as to what your going through but we are all here supporting you whatever happens! Never say Never! If you ask the experts I'm supposed to be barren and having a child will kill me :P... after four kids and no getting dead I'm going with the "they're not always right, sometimes they're just avoiding a complications" answer.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4103

"Mom2ThreeKiddos" wrote:

My other strike was just that I was a vba3c. I am going to fight this because at 26w there is no way for them to know what things will look like at delivery time.

:doh: Oh yeah... I love your attitude. Just keep plugging along, take good care of yourself & stay in a positive frame of mind, and don't let them push you. But also don't fight so much that you raise your BP or scarf a tray of brownies, either. Fight a bit, and then shut up & go home & relax & take care of yourself & your baby. They might think they won but you know that they can't do anything to you that you don't agree to. Stay strong!
:bighug:

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

Thanks everyone. I feel better already. It was just really hard to hear at the time. I haven't decided exactly what I am going to do. (I might still look for an ob or even do a homebirth), but I know that I won't be bullied into another c-section. I will do a c-section if I have to and the baby needs me to, but I won't just because of scare tactics.

Chimmy's picture
Joined: 08/03/01
Posts: 2776

"Spacers" wrote:

:doh: Oh yeah... I love your attitude. Just keep plugging along, take good care of yourself & stay in a positive frame of mind, and don't let them push you. But also don't fight so much that you raise your BP or scarf a tray of brownies, either. Fight a bit, and then shut up & go home & relax & take care of yourself & your baby. They might think they won but you know that they can't do anything to you that you don't agree to. Stay strong!
:bighug:

I agree with this. Find that balance of fighting & caring for you and your baby. Both are equally important. I think sometimes pregnancy & hormones & fights no matter how big or small can feel HUGE when pregnant. I remember feeling this way with my 4th baby - had high bp, placenta was a bit wonky & yadda yadda, plus I felt like crap the entire pregnancy. I think having to work at a job you don't like or enjoy & HAVING to do it to stay afloat - plus everything else. It's a lot to carry mama! And you know what ~ it's okay to feel upset, to cry & be overwhelmed. I think sometimes we don't take the time to be okay those feelings & accept them for what they are. Once you've addressed them & pampered yourself a bit - stand up, dust off & fight! Smile

Mom2ThreeKiddos's picture
Joined: 09/15/09
Posts: 1380

Thanks everyone!