Hi my name is Catherine I am 21 will be 22 in March. I just had my first baby on July 19th, 2006. Been married to DH,David, for almost 4 years. Here is my birth story:
33 weeks pregnant I start having problems with my blood pressure, headaches etc.
At my 34 week visit the OB notices my blood pressure is very high and sends me to L&D for possible induction. Well we get there put on monitors and do a bunch of tests including a sonogram. Then the doctor comes in and tells me my amniotic fluid levels are low so I'm staying the weekend and having IV fluids put in and having a 24 hour urine test to rule out pre-eclampsyia. It comes back that my levels of protein in my urine arent quite high enough to be considered pre-eclamptic. So I'm sent home.
Over the next couple of weeks I visit L&D at least once a week for some sort of complication and have 2 more 24 hour urine tests done. I was also scheduled for a NST and a sonogram once a week to monitor my fluid levels.
Well I went for my sonogram right before my 38 week check up. I go to my OB to sign in and they tell me that I should go to L&D immediately. I get to the hospital at 11am and by noon I am being induced because of low fluid levels. I started having hard contractions by 4pm. Everytime the doctor checked me I wasnt dialating. They broke my water at 7pm. By midnight I couldnt go any longer without an epidural. One hour later the doctor checked my and I was only 5cm so thye decided to do a c-section.
I went in for my c-section having an epidural from what I remember I had 4 additional doses in the OR. I kept telling them I could still feel everything. No one believed me and they proceeded to start the surgery. My husband said I almost broke his hand and was screaming because I could feel them cutting into me. They stopped while I was being put under general anesthia. I woke up a few hours later not remembering much and in enormous amounts of pain. I didnt even get to see my son until he was almost 4 hours old.
Needless to say I didnt have the greatest experience, but hopefully with the nest baby it will be much better!
Catherine DH David 6/23/03
DS Everett 7/19/06
Baby mikey made his entrance into the world feb 1 2007 He's beatiful and is such a wonderful baby!! i'll post more details about the birth later bc i'm still kinda shaken up about it, it def wasnt the one i planned, expected or prepared myself for. So, here's the general overview: Tuesday night i started early labor, or i thought i had, "labor" stopped, so i was disappointed, but figured he'd come when he was ready. Labor began again Wednesday night, and continued. at 6am we went to the hospital. I had progressed since last being checked, but not much. My dr wanted me to stay there in case of complications (aka "big baby") I still progressed slowly and the dr asked if she could break my water, to which i said ok i started progressing great after that, but something started going wrong. All the sudden, the nurses rushed in made me lay in bed on my left side, propped up, etc. They started palpating my uterus trying to figure out what kind of position he was in (he was headdown, but they were tryin to figure out which way he was facing, etc). Anyway after lots of painful internal checks, they decided he was probably in an ok position, just with a big head. i needed an epidural by this point b/c the contractions were killing my back (i've had arthritis in my back for 8 years) i was kind of diappointed bc i was doing well with the contractions in my abdomen, but the ones in my back were crippling, so i went ahead for the epidural. i still progressed slowly, but i was progressing. little by little. Mikey became distressed and didnt seem to being doing so hot, so dr, me and dh discussed the situation and decided that we should probably go ahead with a c/s since baby wasn't doing so hot and we didnt want him suffering lack of oxygen etc. So, we went in for a c/s. Everything went well with the anesthesia and incisions, etc. Til they got to mikey. He was stuck. Not just stuck. His legs were trapped in my rib cage and his head was in the wrong position and stuck in my pelvic bone, instead of trying to come crown first, he was trying to come forehead first. This 270 lb surgeon crushed my ribs and everything in between trying to push him out, at one point we heard a loud snap and heard him whisper "i might have fractured something" at this point i was damn near hysterical, with dh there comforting me holding me hand, not knowing what to do. when they cut mikey's cord, blood shot over the drape onto me dh and the anesthesiologist, not fun. then i heard my baby boy crying and i felt better, but then i got sick. it's really hard to throw up while you're on your back. he went to the nursery and we got the call that he wasn't the 9+lb baby they thought he was, he was a healthy 7lb 10oz. recovery went well, i just kept waiting and waiting to see my baby. i didnt get to see him til 11pm b/c he was having some blood sugar issues which they resolved. when i did finally get to see him, i was extremely upset by the scrapes, welts and everything on his head from where he was stuck. you could see the outlines of my pelvic opening on his poor little skull. he was also scraped up pretty bad from being stuck so hard and getting yanked out so bad. i felt like i had disfigured my baby and i was crushed.. i am doing better now and he is healing very quickly, but that first night i couldnt help but cry bc of what i felt like he had been through. ok i know i said i was going to spare details, but i got carried away, and didnt. anyway, that's the story. i'm so very glad he's here though he's gorgeous and i'm so in love
I had a scheduled C-Section due to my baby being in breech position since 30wks. I debated whether to do scheduled, or to wait until I went into labour just in case the baby turned at the last minute, but decided it wasn't worth the added risks, and the chance of a more difficult recovery.
So...my DH and I checked into the hospital at 4pm on Jan.02, 2007 and settled in for a restless nights sleep before my scheduled C-section at 8:15am the next morning. It was a terrible sleep, even though I was given something to help me sleep. We were in the Mom and Babe ward and all we could hear all night were screaming babies! Not only did it make sleep difficult because of the noise, but also the fear of "what are we getting ourselves into!?!?!"
We were woken up at 5am to get ready - I had a shower with the antiseptic sponge, then had an IV and Catheter put in. I was VERY nervous about having a catheter put in, but it was really not that bad, didn't hurt, just slightly uncomfortable as it was inserted. Then it was a waiting game until the OR was ready for us. Once it was ready I was wheeled in, and my DH had to wait outside while I had the spinal done. I was also VERY afraid of getting the spinal, but again, it was no problem. First the froze the area, and then they injected the spinal. It didn't hurt, I only felt the pressure of it going in. As soon as it was done, it felt like someone put a warm fan on my legs, and within seconds I was completely numb from the armpits down. After a minute I began to feel really nauseus, and my midwife who was with me got me a bowl and I threw up in it. Apparrantely that is quite common with anesthetics and I felt fine as soon as I threw up.
The next thing I knew my DH was brought in, and I was told that they had already made the first incision. I didn't feel a THING, which was good. The only thing I felt was when they actually pulled my DD out of me, and it just felt like this big weight being lifted off of me...it actually felt good in a way! They held her up for me to see and then my DH went with her to the table just beside me to have her cleaned and examined. it didn't take very long and then she was brought back to my side and I kissed her head and spoke to her. At this point they were stitching me up and my DH took my DD out to the waiting area to meet the expecting grandparents.
Once I was stiched up I was moved to the recovery bed and the pediatrician and my midwife helped to turn me on my side so I could breastfeed her. She latched on right away, which was so amazing! Then My mom and mother in law were able to come in and see us while I nursed her. After a short amount of time in the recovery area I was taken to my own room and all of the family came in to see us.
We spent 3 days in the hospital, and I was up and walking around by the second day.
Recovery was pretty good....I wasn't all that sore, and was only taking extra strength tylenol for the pain from day 2 on. Once I was home I got a little bit sore from picking up and putting down DD in her cradle, but not too bad. I had no problem with getting in and out of bed or stairs or walking around though. By week two I was pretty much back to normal.
All in all my C-section experience was a very positive one. None of my fears were realised and recovery was very quick. Hope that helps for anyone who is going to have a c-section....it IS possible to have a good experience!
Hi all! I am Jenn, we had a scheduled c-section on March 9th 2007. I am 24 years old and this is my first child! The reason they decided to schedule the c-section was the fact that Allexxa was measuring very large and labor was liable to be very hard and long. The dr gave me the option and i jumped on it! My mother was in labor with me for 46 hours before an emergency c-section so we decided to go the scheduled route!
We decided to go to Norm’s at 3am on Friday morning (March 9th) since the c-section was scheduled for 12 and I wasn’t allowed to eat after 4 am. So after a big breakfast and a small nap we headed off to the hospital. Got there at about 10 to check in and they immediately got me prepped for surgery. They set me up on the monitors and surprisingly enough I was having contractions, not anything striking, but I didn’t even feel them!
They put the Foley catheter in, which is quite possibly the most HORRIBLE experience ever and definitely the worst part about the whole procedure and recovery thus far!! While they were putting it in the insurance lady (the one with all the paperwork for me to sign) walked around the corner and quickly exited apologizing profusely. And then DB came around the corner and looked like he was gonna pass out but managed to leave even quicker than the other lady did! Once my doctor got there, they wheeled me into the OR.
Once we got upstairs they separated us and took jerry in one room and put him in scrubs… he looked like a marshmallow! I got taken in and given the lidocaine and a spinal block, which hurt a lot less than I thought it would. Plus my anesthesiologist was incredible!! He was so nice. I have done spinals on animals (I used to work for a vet’s office) and we were talking about the differences btw the two. He told one of the nurses how nice it was to have a patient that was not only calm about the whole procedure, but actually understood what was going on! Once I was numbed up they brought Jerry back in and started! They timed us out at 12:25.
After they opened me up Jerry looked like he was gonna throw up when they used the spreaders! His face went absolutely white! When they went to grab her, she slipped up under my ribs and I felt all this pressure like I couldn’t breathe, so I asked jerry what they were doing and he said that both nurses were pushing on my chest and the doctor was up to her elbow with the vacuum trying to get her. After 4 tries it stuck and Allexxa Khrysteen was born at 12:34 p.m. at 39 weeks. The anesthesiologist gave me Torbitrol for the pain (greatest stuff EVER) and they took Allexxa and Jerry to the nursery and me to recovery. After an hour in recovery the nurse tried to take me to our room, but one of the nurses had burnt popcorn in the microwave and it had set off the fire alarms and all the fire doors shut down. We had to wait another 20 minutes for the fire dept. to come and open everything up before we could go upstairs to our room.
I had to miss her first bottle and her first bath, because I was in recovery but once they brought her into the room, she stayed with us until we were discharged on Monday! (cept of course for weigh ins and such.) I was up and moving the next day as soon as they would let me out of bed, and haven’t really had any issues since! All-in-all it was a pretty easy recovery! Plus we couldn’t be more in love with our little critter!
Daddy the marshmallow!
Awaiting the c-section
My post c-section belly
Us right after we got in the room post c-sec
Me, Kaylee (DB’s DD) and Allexxa
Allexxa and her new teddy, bigger than she is!
My mom with Allexxa
Daddy and Allexxa playing DS in the hospital
My name is August and I don't have a birth story, but I have had a c-section. My first birth was vaginal and drug free, my second birth was emergency c-section. My third child is due in October and I chose to have a c-section with this one too. Both experiences were positive and neither were scary, however, I feel fear this time.
When I arrived at the hospital the second time, I was in hard labor and very close to pushing. This is when they realized all was not well and the birth would not happen vaginally. At this point, I didn't care, I was in pain, ready to give birth and it was do or die. I don't really remember much, except the pain before the spinal. I remember being a little frightened in surgery and praying feeling would come back in recovery, but I was mostly happy that baby was healthy and I was no longer in pain. I remember leaning over for the spinal, but I felt no pain other than the labor pains.
I'm scared because this time, I know it will be different and I'll have to go through it all in my right mind.
I'm thankful to find this board and support as well. Why does there seem to be a negative stigma about c-sections? At a time when we need postitive affirmation, it seems so out of place. It makes me feel bad.
Thanks for listening and it's nice to be here.
I am new here, and so I thought I would add my story to the list.
DH and I have been married since October 1999. We decided to wait about a year to try for children, then we had problems. It took 3 years to get pregnant with our Twin boys. I finally resorted to clomid, and after one unsuccessful cycle, it worked! Because twins are considered "high risk", I was monitored very carefully. By 34 weeks, baby 'a' was still breech, so we went ahead and scheduled a c-section at 38 weeks.
I don't have any horror stories. Everything went very smoothly. I went to the hospital early that morning and was all prepped for surgery. They asked if I wanted the catheter before or after I had the spinal, and I said after....that was something I didn't want to feel!
They didn't have any scrubs that really fit DH...he is a big guy! So he got to wear a long coat thing and he was there to hold my hand the whole time. Seth was first. He was still breech, so as soon as the cut my uterus open, he stuck his foot out. He was ready to be out of there! The Drs. didn't show him to me right away. I think that is because they were getting ready to get Andrew out. He was way up in my ribs and they had to 'jump' on my chest and belly to get him down far enough to grab him. It was a funny sight, seeing the drs bouncing up and down over the sheet. They finally got him out, and they showed him to me over the sheet and he was crying. It was wonderful. They let me see and kind of nuzzle both boys before they took them to get weighed and measured and checked out. I don't remember much of them stitching me up. I do remember I got to hold the boys shorly after in recovery, and then I nursed them soon after that. It was a good day over all. I was up and walking later that same day, and it was painful, but I was a little wary of taking the painkillers... Once I learned how helpful they were, it was a fairly easy recovery. I was home 4 days later with two healthy little boys.
I am not sure I have completely gotten over the disappointment of having to have a c-section, but I am having another one in a month...so I guess I better!
Thanks for the support of this board. It is wonderful!
I'm a newbie here too-- relieved and happy to find this support group. My LO, Ryan, was born almost 7 weeks ago at 39 weeks.
The day started normal, we went to church in the morning and then my DH dropped me off at work. No sooner had I put my bag down did I feel what I thought was my water breaking. Went into the public bathroom (I work at a University) and saw blood everywhere- floor, pants, toilet, etc. I hobbled out of the stall to get my cell phone to call DH to pick me up. Long story short, I never quit bleeding and the drs found out that a few days before my placenta on the left side had detached, was calcified and had blood clots. I wasn't dilated hardly at all and they decided at noon to do a c-section, which was completed within 43 minutes of the decision. Thankfully, my DH had been shadowing our dr in preparation for med school and was able to be in the delivery room even though I was completely put under.
I am still dealing with the suddenity of it all and am very proud to be this LO's mom.
Hi. My name is Melissa and I am a new mommy and new to this site. My little boy was born on February 25 (ten days early), 7lbs 5 oz, 20 1/2 inches long.
My contractions were mild at first, but were 3-5 min apart consistently, so we went to the hospital. To make a long story short, when I was finally dialate to 3cm, Dr. came in and broke my water. Contractions were then HORRIBLE. But, they needed to get some more fluid in me before giving me the epidural. Also, after broke water, baby had meconium. So, they had to flush that out as well. I finally got the epidural. The nurse left the room and 5 min later came running back in having me flip onto one side, than the other than all fours. My baby's heart rate had dropped to the 40's and they were trying to startle him to get him to "wake up". During all of this commotion my doctor was no where to be found. Apparently she had broke my water and then decided to go home. BUT, none of the nurses could find her or knew where she was. THey could not get my baby's heart rate up so they rushed me into the OR for an emergency c-section. They still could not locate my doctor, so a different surgeon had to begin.
Unfortunately, the epidural had not completely kicked in yet, so I felt them begin the incision and I was hyperventilating bc I was so scared. So, I think they gave me some medicine either through IV or through oxygen mask. My poor husband was finally allowed in the room when they decided not to put me under completely and we held eachothers hands and cried and cried. Everything is a blur...my husband said to me they got him out...and we waited to hear the first cry. I don't remember any of this and I am so sad over it. In fact, i have to try not to think about the fact that I did not hear my baby's first cries. I don't really remember my baby's first day of life.
I had some complications after the c-section, but am healthy and can't complain. most importantly, my baby seems to be 100% healthy and ver happy. He is now 9 weeks old and such a blessing. I just wish I did not have anger toward my doc and such confusion as to why she left (they did find her in the middle of the c-section and she assisted-I THINK) I am sad that I don't remember much about my baby's birth. I need to let it go bc I am grateful we are both healthy. Can anyone relate to this??
I've been lurking, so I thought I'd introduce myself here. I'm Alika, 25 years old, FTM to ds Julian who was born June 13, 2007. I was induced 9 days past due. There was some concern that the baby was big, and I was flat out ready to be done being pregnant.
I labored for 26 hours. My cervix was very uncooperative, and it took a lot of time and pitocin to coax it to fully dilate. I had an epidural, but a 'window' allowed me to feel pretty much everything on my cervix, including quite a bit of pain and pressure... not fun. Being able to feel came in handy when it came time to push, but after two hours they realized that Julian was sunny-side-up. The doctor tried to turn him internally (um, ouch?) and realized that there wasn't enough room for him to pass through my pelvis and there was no way he was turning. By this time, I was pretty much begging for a c-section.
It was nice that I'd already had an epi. The anesthesiologist came in right away and upped the dose to a surgical level, which finally made my window go away and for the first time I was able to relax.
DH used to work as a surgical technician and did more than his fair share of c-secs, so I was actually a lot more comfortable with that than I was with the vaginal birth. I joked with the doctor the whole time, and tried to see over the curtain.
Because Julian was so far down and turned so funny, they struggled to get him out with the standard horizontal cut at the bikini line. As time passed, the doctor decided that a T-incision was necessary. I don't regret this at all. My doctor did a great job with the surgery, and I completed trust her judgment.
I've had people tell me that they feel sorry for me because of the surgery. One woman even went so far as to say that I should sue the doctor for the T-incision. But I don't feel that way at all. I'm not the least bit resentful of my c-section. I have had a very easy recovery (5 weeks pp tomorrow) and my incision is beautiful... I attribute this to my doctor's skills. I know people have gone for VBAC after a t-incision, but with my next, and final, I will be scheduling another c-section.
Anyway, that's my story. I hope to get to know you all better!
1.0 beautiful baby: Julian Jareth * June 13, 2007
When I remained pregnant, almost by chance, I was sure that my experience would have been completely natural and easygoing, as that was my attitude towards lots of things at the time and because I had great confidence that my body would have done its duty properly. I had always had very regular periods, a gynaecologist described me as a model for medical books once she visited me during ovulation and my mum had had two amazing pregnancies and deliveries with me and my sister, she doesn’t even remember much of them, so easy they went.
Anyway the first ‘blow’ to this positivism I received when the tri-test I took at week 17 resulted positive for Down syndrome. My partner and I were put in front of the hardest of decisions, with so little information and experience at our disposal (we were both living away from our homes and felt quite isolated). We were asked if we wanted to proceed with the amnio, even though it entailed a 1:100 risk of miscarriage. After a week of statistic and philosophical discussions (and lots of emotions) we decided to go for it. But the huge stress we were experiencing was multiplied tenfold when during the scan preceding the amnio they identified a problem with one of the foetus’ kidney. It looked huge and the doctor was quite worried herself. They couldn’t give us any further information (or hypothesis or reassurance, for that matter) and the amnio was carried out with me in tears and my partner holding my hand tight. By that time the baby had started making some serious moving in the belly, and I remember waking up at night, feeling him move, getting more and more attached to it and having to kill the love I started feeling for him , cause I could have lost him soon.
However when the results of the amnio came back they were completely ok. Only the kidney problem remained, but it was disconnected from any other birth defect in the baby. It had to be monitored but could only be tackled after delivery. We never received exhaustive explanations or scenarios during the time we spent abroad. Despite of this episode, my faith in the capacity of my body to carry out a perfect pregnancy wasn’t undermined, I could separate a developmental accident from what depended on me. I also followed on with my easygoing attitude, continuing to work (two jobs at the time, one of which at nights), going through two house changes, swimming three to four times a week, going out with friends whenever I could, eating healthily but not obsessively careful with food, wearing my normal clothes only slightly adjusted to the huge naked belly that was popping out and being proud of it.
By the eighth month of my pregnancy we decided to go back to my home town, just because there was a very good paediatric hospital that could deal with the kidney problem. Everybody was amazed at the size of my belly, some people guessing it was twins, some others guessing it was a boy because of the shape of it, but I never went in the street without someone commenting on it. I got more and more proud of it and of my capacity of being a fulfilled woman, especially in front of my partner, with whom I always had an issue of being second choice for him.
It was very hard to transfer all the information of the previous eight months to the new hospital in my hometown, and there was a lot of confusion. I was very ignorant of how the whole system worked, as I had spent so many years abroad, had never to deal with hospitals, never took a pre pregnancy course and read very little and heard even less. I had to take loads of exams (cause I didn’t do any during my time abroad) and regular scans for the baby problem. The first time the word ‘caesarean’ was pronounced was during the visit I had with a new gynaecologist, when he measured the size of the baby, and was worried that he might have been too big. Finally, the hypothesis of a c-cut was sanctioned when during one of the scans, two days before the due date, a female doctor from the hospital suggested that the size of the baby (estimated at 4.2kg) might have required it and despite there was no connection with his kidney problem it might have been a safer option in case the baby had to suffer further because of complications at delivery. She told me to make a decision straight away if I wanted a programmed c-cut, but she practically made it for me when she told me to go and speak to the anaesthetist. After waiting a couple of hours I finally got to speak with the anaesthetist that considering my utter puzzlement and confusion suggested me to speak with my gynaecologist first to make a more informed decision. My doctor was on holiday (it was the end of July) and I saw another old doctor at the hospital that basically just made me a referral letter for a c-cut after visiting me, without much talking about the pros and cons of either delivery method. With more and more confusion growing inside me, and my mum and my partner unable to help me to make a choice and themselves puzzled by the whole process, I checked in the hospital to have the c-cut. It was the weirdest of feelings as I was perfectly well had no distress and very few signs of labour (had experienced some very strong Braxton-hicks contractions a few days before, and felt a few at night but they always disappeared), had never been in a hospital and was not really sure what I was doing there.
I have to say between brackets that the hospital where I was going to deliver had as a priority the well being of the babies. Also my home country has a high rate of caesareans and the epidural is a norm to guarantee little suffering for the mums. Instead I had always figured my delivery as a very intimate moment of which, despite the pain and the enormous stress, I would ‘savour’ everything, in intimacy with my partner that would have been there, maybe holding me while I was being a woman, fulfilled and complete. I wanted so much a natural birth, away from the devices, sophistication and coldness of modern medicine. Checking in for a c-cut was in many ways a shock and a surreal experience. People around me however, being it relatives, friends and patients at the hospital, where strongly pushing me towards the surgical birth for the well being of the baby that was already compromised (even if no link existed between the kidney problem and the necessity of a c cut), and filling my mind with horror stories of traumatic natural births.
The day after I was checked in (I had been fasting for 24 hours and shaved, and given an enema) my partner came in first thing in the morning and I’ll never forget that look of expectation in his eyes. I realised in that moment how much he wanted to be a father and how eager he was of finally seeing the baby that day but I also realised how little he cared about me and my birth experience and I understood why he never helped me to go through the choice from my point of view and not just ‘the safety of the baby’ argument, which after all held only in part. I felt like I was only a vessel to deliver his baby, the same baby that I had desperately clung onto when I had the amnio and that I had wanted more than anything else. I felt utterly betrayed.
Endless hours went by while I was waiting to be called in the operating theatre, with my mind fighting to make sense of the conflict inside me and trying to convince myself that I was doing the best, but secretly hoping for a bomb to go off in the hospital so I would have to avoid the hated c-cut. The bomb in fact went off when an emergency c-cut had to be performed and I was informed, a few hours later and at that point thinking I was going to faint out of hunger and heat, that my operation wouldn’t have taken place until the following day. That was my moment and I immediately told the doctor that if that was the case I would have waited at least a few more days before the c-cut, to attempt natural birth. I felt so thrilled and relieved by my decision wouldn’t believe. It was as if I had received the pardon while in the green mile. However I turned to look my partner in the eyes, and his disappointment was maybe grater than my relief. I felt immediately so guilty, towards him and the people surrounding me, as if my selfishness and laziness would determine the baby’s suffering. I felt so bad and coward when everybody was asking about the baby while I was staying safely in my house making time.
Days went by and my due date passed. Stories about babies dying in the womb multiplied. With my partner we decided that if nothing happened within five days from due date (full moon was arriving and I naively believed that it might help…) I would think about c-cut again. Needless to say nothing happened, I went to the hospital on the third day after due date and my gynaecologist checked me and without consulting me told me that he had signed me for a c-cut two days later. My partner pinpointed that it was also the term we had given ourselves to consider c-cut again, so he though that everything was falling into place. I desperately hoped for the baby to come out before. My partner’s whole family also were coming over for the great event (flight booked months in advance around due date, as if I was a swiss clock) and pressure on me was greater than ever.
Checked in again, same procedure (fasting shaving praying for baby to come) again. The night before the operation, having the full moon failed, I even convinced my partner to have an intercourse in the toilet of the hospital, hoping that it would prompt labour. He left at 9ish that night and at around 1.00 am I woke up with mild contractions. Started measuring their frequency, they were 5 mins apart but did not hurt much. Tried to go back to sleep, listened to some music waiting to see what happened, finally when they did not stop after 3 hours I called the nurse and she brought me to delivery room for monitoring. It was cold, as I had read in books about delivery, and there was a bath for water delivery. During the half hour I was being monitored I heard the whole natural birth of a woman whom I had seen getting in. she had fully dilated in an hour and after 6 or 7 screams that got as high pitched as in an horror movie and after complaining once for the pain, amid the loving and encouraging voices of the midwives, finally the baby was out and when he cried I cried all the tears I was left with, out of envy for the loss I was going to face. The gynaecologist on duty checked me while I was being monitored, commanding me to get my knickers off as if he was going to have sex with me. He prescribed my some anti spastic medication for what he described as ‘a nuisance’ (those that for other women were contractions). When I asked him if labour had started all he told me was: what I was thinking it was (considering I had passed the term by 5 days) and when I refused to take his med he got really angry and slandered me telling me that it was late at night and he did not want to have to perform an emergency c-cut. He or the midwives did not give me any information I had the right to about the state of my labour. They did not tell me if I had dilated, effaced or if I was experiencing real contractions and how intense they were, even if I insisted to know.
A few hours later my boyfriend came to the hospital, the scene from the previous week repeated. Again he was so eager and when I told him exactly what had happened a few hours earlier, all he did was suggesting we would report the doctor I had to deal with for lack of professionalism but did not question the c-cut choice, even if the evidence that I did not want it was blatant.
When the time came and I finally entered the op theatre I was shaking so much that nurses were wondering why, but they remitted it to the cold and the fear, which was in part true. One of the nurses asked me my address for the medical file and when I told her I could not remember it properly (cause we had just moved) she told me off and I even overheard her complaining with the surgeon about how stupid I was. The operation itself was surreal, helped by the heavy doses of morphine. I could not feel any pain but I could not withstand all that tugging and pulling. I could only imagine with disgust what it was. Could hardly hear baby screaming when out, I rather heard the nurse registering the time of birth (10.30 am). someone went out to tell mum and my boyfriend that baby had born. They later told me that they hugged when they knew, which I thought was as artificial and meaningless as ever. People hug out of relief when there is some apprehension and uncertainty, as in natural births. Hugging for a planned c-cut is only an absurd and manieristic formality, and I hate them for having done so, making me feel even more fake.
I barely saw the baby too: I was given him and I was transported in a room where my partner was waiting for me, while the waited for the anesthetic to taper off. I was so immobilised by I.V. tubes that could not even see baby in the face despite the fact I was holding him. Then, back in hospital room, a horde of relatives and friends was there and I could literally not hold the baby until late that night, when they finally finished their turns to hold him and left, and I could feed him. Still could not see his face because of my immobility and the position I was in. Only once he lifted his large, loaf like face towards me at the end of a feed, and I realized how beautiful he was for the first time after 12 hours from delivery.
The following days were so busy that I did not have any time to think about the birth, and I had somewhat convinced myself that it was the best option, given the weight of the baby, given I was almost a week past the due date and baby was only getting bigger, given I had no signs of labour (or at least so I thought), and given the baby problem. It was only a month after delivery that the whole absurdity of it came back down to me. It happened that the ex girlfriend of my partner had just had her baby. I remember when she got pregnant and she told him I got a bit jealous cause they were still very attached and I felt as if she was robbing me the scene a little bit (somewhat he seemed as proud of her pregnancy as of mine!). He also missed a very important visit to the doctor towards the end of my pregnancy to attend her wedding back home, and again I felt a little bit resented. Now she called him to communicate the happy news, and she described in detail for an hour all the troubles of the 30 hours labour she had to go through. Again I won’t forget the shocked expression on his face while on the phone, the apprehension listening to her story of the real labour of a real woman, the sympathising and the anger that she had to go through all that, what a hero she was! I immediately felt a coward for not even attempting a natural birth and I felt how absurd it was to have missed the whole experience of natural birth (and how incomplete I was as a woman and how the bonding with my child was compromised and how much a c-cut is can impact on further pregnancies). I felt cheated, stupid and manipulated, I felt as I had been kidnapped by aliens and missed a huge opportunity in my life, I felt guilty because I was misinformed and especially I felt I had the agency to make a choice and did not use it. I realised that I was happy I had a beautiful baby but that I never felt as he was my baby. It was as the connection I had developed with him over 9 months had been truncated with the operation.
Lately however I found more peace of mind through the feeling that I did it out of love for my baby, that alone is probably enough to justify my decision.
Last edited by charlenejennie; 11-19-2007 at 01:54 PM.