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  1. #1
    Prolific Poster tacie's Avatar
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    Angry needed to vent

    So I need to vent

    It's not often that I have someone trigger me to be upset for more than a few days when it comes to comments about TTC, but I have been triggered and I need to vent to get it out of my head somewhat so I can focus on my work and not call her up and yell.

    My mom called me up the other day and told me that I need to get rid of my cats (we have two) because the kitty litter dust that sticks to their fur is what has caused the miscarriages we've had (or so she thinks). I told her that I did not feel it was the case and that the litter is cleaned by DH - she told me she did not care, that she felt that I owed it to her to get rid of them. She then proceeded to tell me that she's upset that she has to be the one to hear from her friends that they all have grandbabies to spoil and that she is tired of them asking her when will I have children.
    On a side note - my mom is a grandma, my brother and his wife have two children but my parents are not allowed to see them because my sister in law does not like my mom and dad as they don't have alot of money.
    Growing up with my brother, I was always the one seen to my mom as a failure to her -- even though my brother is allowed by his wife to come out for a 3 hr visit 4-5 times per year and she's not allowed to see his children, she still sees him as the 'wonderchild'.

    How do I tell her politely to shove it and to fkn wake up and realize that infertility is hard to deal with and that her added pressure and disapproval is not welcomed. How do I tell her that the chances of us having a child is very low - that the majority of pregnancies for a woman with PCOS ends in a miscarriage in the first trimester. I've given her SOO much information to read about PCOS but she tells me that it makes no sense to her . When I try to explain it she gets mad because she thinks I am just trying to make her feel stupid.

    I am seriously at whitts end. I thought mother's were susposed to be supportive when it comes to the tough schyte... I just don't get it anymore. DH thinks I should just brush it off and ignore it.
    If it was not for her heart condition (she has angina attacks and has had a few heart attackes which are brought on by emotional stress) I would tell her to shove it. Ugh!

    Any suggestions ??

    Thanks for letting me vent - I appreciate it.
    ~ Tacie's Space ~ TTC #1 since Jan 01, 2006

  2. #2
    Posting Addict SnowWhite9028's Avatar
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    Oh Tacie!

    My heart breaks for you. Not only are you dealing with the heartbreak of infertility, but you're having to fight to defend your condition to your own mother. That sucks. She should be a huge support and encouragement to you during this time of your life.

    (By the way, I have 2 cats also. My Mom was pretty adamant that we needed to get rid of them as soon as we started talking about babies... We still have them. They're a part of our family and we won't ever get rid of them!)

    When I hit the year mark, I posted THIS VIDEO on facebook. I found it through reading someone's infertility blog and it just hit home. It says everything you want to say, but kindly. It's blunt but not rude. It definitely gets the point across.

    Before you watch it, grab a box of tissues. And if you think it might help the situation with your mother, send it to her.

    I'm here for you friend.

  3. #3
    Prolific Poster cherylfhorn's Avatar
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    Tacie I feel your pain completely. I dont have my mom telling me to get rid of my cats, and I have 4, and my doctor said I did not need to get rid of them cause I did ask. So just ignore her on that aspect.

    My mother is the same way. I never do anything good enough and if it doesnt make her look good and she can brag about it, then Im in the wrong. She is doing the same thing as far as grandchildren. I keep hearing about how my other aunts have grandchildren and she is never going to have any. (my brother and his wife cant have them because she has Hypo and Hyer throidism) But last week she decided to tell me that she doesnt want me to be with Keanon because he is not the type of guy she wants me with and if I end up getting pregnant with his child it would be a tragedy. I was just pissed told her off a little that he may not be a doctor, but he loves me and would do anything for me and never cheet, which ive delt w in the past a lot. Of course this didnt matter so I just havent talked to her.

    So just know you are not alone. My mom has never been there for me and I sit back and see how all my friends moms were and could never understand how mine could be so mean and not care.

    PM me if you need someone to talk to who understands ur pain.. Hang in there and what you want is more important she is not living your life...and KEEP your cats, their family.
    Cheryl(34)
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    Community Host combatcutie's Avatar
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    Oh Tacie, my heart just broke reading your post. Your mother is supposed to be the one that is your biggest fan & support system and you have to deal with this?!?? It is hard enough having to go through infertility, let alone try to explain it to people. My only suggestion is to tell her that you do not owe her anything. You are the one that goes through this month after month. She owes it to you to be supportive & understanding. I also recommend showing her that video. Maybe she will get the hint. If she cannot do this, slowly pull back from telling her things.

    If you need to talk, I am a pm away. {{{HUGS}}}

  5. #5
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    I'm so sorry! I don't understand how a mother can be that way; it really boggles my mind. I know it's hard but I would tell her that getting rid of your cats is not an option. Plenty of people have had cats and cat litter for years and had babies.

    Anyway, I would have her watch that video too that was posted. Maybe she'll finally get it then.
    ~Dara






  6. #6
    Prolific Poster tacie's Avatar
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    Thanks ladies - you are all so awesome! Beyond awesome actually!
    I printed off a crap load of information about PCOS and infertility and dropped it off at her place and told her that she should take the time to become educated in things before she voices her thoughts. I also advised her that it did not matter what she thinks of me because it is DH and I who are the ones that make the final decision on things and we have come to terms long ago that we'd be okay adopting or being a childless family.
    I also let her know what a specialist told me:
    Infertility is like going to the casino - you can sit at the slot machine and play it till you're out of coin ... sometimes you get a winning jackpot and sometimes you walk away empty handed. At the end of it all though it does not matter what the result was because in your heart you know that you did everything you could.

    I will definately share the video with her - thanks Laura!

    to you all!

    Thank you again for the support, understanding and hugely for the shoulder to lean on and the ear to listen. I do truly appreciate it.
    ~ Tacie's Space ~ TTC #1 since Jan 01, 2006

  7. #7
    Community Host combatcutie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tacie View Post
    .
    I also let her know what a specialist told me:
    Infertility is like going to the casino - you can sit at the slot machine and play it till you're out of coin ... sometimes you get a winning jackpot and sometimes you walk away empty handed. At the end of it all though it does not matter what the result was because in your heart you know that you did everything you could.

    Tacie, this statement brought me to tears. I now have mascara & eyeliner running down my checks at work LOL. It is so true and I truly wish you walk away with that jackpot!! I also admire you strength. I have been doing this for 6 years & cannot get my mind & heart in the same thought. I know that I may never have a child, but I am not content with that answer. I feel my life is incomplete without one (maybe it is because DH & I haven't been seeing eye to eye for a few years on our marriage, I don't know)

    So glad you were able to talk to your mom. I hope she reads the information & educates herself. Most of all, I hope she stops putting a guilt trip on you.

  8. #8
    Prolific Poster tacie's Avatar
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    Oh Dawn! I am sending you a great big strong hug and a washcloth as well as a pouch of coins! YOU of anyone deserve to have a little one - I pray everyday that it happens for you! I also pray that you and DH can see eye to eye -- this path is hard to walk on but even harder when your partner is not walking beside you instead of infront or behind you.
    ~ Tacie's Space ~ TTC #1 since Jan 01, 2006

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