Hi All! It's been a while since i have been here. I have been through losses and in honesty, it seems like they get harder to deal with. On April 29th, my Aunt died of Oral Cancer. She battled it for 7 years having gone into remission just to have it come back. They told her to quit smoking and she did for a while but started back up again. I know how hard it is to quit and I know that it is even harder when you are stressed but to me being told that you will die unless you do this is plenty of reason to quit and be able to achieve. I sometimes feel so angry at her because she could have beaten it. I have never lost an aunt before so this is new to me. I am walking the relay for life next week in honor of my aunt and others that have died from this disease however, as the time approaches, I find myself being very emotional and thinking about her more. I am afraid that when i start to walk, I am going to end up crying. I have yet to cry for my aunt. I cried at the wake for about 5 mins when they closed the casket and my boss was there, seeing him made me start to cry because I "knew" him and I knew that I could cry on his shoulder. But that was the only time that i cried. I feel guilty for not crying. I cried with all of the other deaths but not for her. I loved her so much. She was my favorite aunt. I want to make the walk really special but i am afraid that i am going to make a fool out of myself for crying like a baby. This is the first loss I have dealt with since the death of my baby 2 years ago. The day my Aunt died, I came on to this site because I remembered that there was a posting with poems and I wanted comfort. I found one and it sounded like my aunt talking to me. I called my parents and read it to them, they cried. I called my cousin and she cried, I called my sisters and they all cried. They all agreed that it was "my aunt". I was asked to recite it at the funeral. I hate public speaking but i agreed to read it. It was not as hard as I thought. After I read it, I looked around the church and there was not a dry eye in the church. I have a copy of it and i want to get it laminated with my Aunt's picture. This is the poem...
"May I Go?"
Do you think the time is right?
May I say goodbye to pain filled days and endless nights?
I've lived my life and done my best, an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond, and set my spirit free?
I didn't want to go at first, I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now to a warm and loving light.
I want to go, I really do; it's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can to live just one more day.
To give you time to care for me and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and afraid, because I see your tears.
I'll not be far, I promise that, and hope you'll always know,
That my spirit will be close to you wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me. You know I love you too,
And that's why it's hard to say goodbye and end this life with you.
So hold me now just one more time and let me hear you say,
Because you care so much for me, you'll let me go today.
by Susan A. Jackson
Thanks for listening.