Feeling the need to connect with other members who have...

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Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567
Feeling the need to connect with other members who have...

lost a parent suddenly or a loved one. To those who do not know me, I am Lizzy a proud PO member for almost 5 years. My older brother John appeared at my door step in the early hours of Friday, May 5th to inform me that my dad had passed away suddenly at the age of 71. I started crying uncontrollaby and I kept repeating over and over, "No, he's not." My dad had been in the hospital for 8 days due to high blood sugars, and he had pnumonia, they also discovered he had a rhythm problem with his heart. Admittedly, my dad hadn't taken care of himself for years, he wasn't an old man, age-wise but physically he looked 10 years older. :sad11: He was released from the hospital on Wednesday, May 3rd at 5pm, and he passed on Friday, May 5th at approximately 7am. My parent's slept in seperate rooms due to my dad's excessive snoring :-? and my mom woke to hear him breathing very shallow breaths, and he was blue....she freaked, called 911, but he was gone....the coroner said he didn't struggle as the bed clothes were not disturbed. At my mom's urging, I said goodbye to my father while he was in his bed, and this has been my nightmare ever since. I can't get the expression on his face out of my head, I also remained when the funeral home came and the sound of the gurney on the steps of my parent's front porch.....it is awful, I do not sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, I can't sleep in darkness, I put on a phisod each and every day for my family....my mom and brothers know I am devastated, as my dh knows....but I have three children to care for, and my youngest is only 8 weeks old. I find that my grief is in waves....one minute I can be laughing, the next sobbing. My biggest fear is that I will not wake up in the morning, I can't believe I just typed that. I need grief counselling so very badly. Are my feelings normal? I have lost both sets of my grandparents, a favourite uncle, a paternal aunt, and a maternal aunt, and a best friend of cancer....I didn't think my pain could be so raw and never ending. I apologize for such a lengthy post, I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks. P.S. the one thing I do take comfort in, is that I told my dad I loved him a week before he passed, while he was in the hospital and I hadn't told him that for 20 years.

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

Doesn't anyone read this board?

rickydiculous's picture
Joined: 02/14/02
Posts: 140

:bighug: Lizzy I was hoping someone in a similar situation could offer you some insight. The only insight I can offer you is that everything you have/are feeling is completely normal. When a loved one of so profound circumstance dies (like a parent, spouse, child) there is a lot of denial, fear, anxiety. When Richard died of a heart attack, I had chest pains until my dr. put me on anti-anxiety pills. (I just wouldn't suggest it for you, with a wee baby)

I think you should really look into grief counselling. It's amazing what will come out in those sessions.

And don't be afraid to grieve! If you find yourself crying, be one with it. If the kids are there, explain to them you are sad about missing grandpa. They might surprise you with their empathy. :bighug:

Feel free to post again. This board is slow, but grief is not far away for some.

rickydiculous's picture
Joined: 02/14/02
Posts: 140

BTW, do speak to your doctor about not being able to sleep, and they can recommend a grief counsellor for you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad almost 3 years ago (9/03) to cancer. While his passing wasn't sudden (he was "sick" for about 2 to 2-1/2 years) the end was. Meaning (and I hope I can explain this) within a matter of I'd say 3 months he went from being fine, no pain and just pissy (mostly due to steriods) to sleeping alot, in pain & on meds for it, to coma and then death within 10 weeks. My son was born on July 9th, my dad got to see him ("really" see him) and hold him once - by the time my son was 10 weeks old, my dad was gone.

It does get "easier" (for lack of a better word/term), but I also couldn't sleep & was afraid I wouldn't wake up (I still get this from time to time - my own fear of dying). I think it's because when you lose a parent, you kind of move from the innocense of the dugout and now your on deck so to speak. You've moved up that ladder and start to realize your own mortality (I really hope I'm making sense).

I still miss my dad, but now remember him for how he was while I was growing up & he was my hero. I do remember him as he was when he was sick - but I don't focus on how he looked then, at least not so much any more.

Just the other day I saw someone who looked so much like my father when I was little that I just stared for a bit. I know this may sound corny, but it was on my b'day and I just felt like it was my dad's way of wishing my a happy birthday kwim?

The last looks you had with him, your last memories of him, will fade eventually into what you adored him for and how he looked to you then. It may take time (it's still so new), but it will happen.

(((Hugs))) and I hope I helped, even just a little bit.

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

T~Thank-you so much for your helpful words, I am going to have counselling through the Victim Services of Sarnia-Lambton.

JustMom~thank-you for understanding.

Shella Bella's picture
Joined: 07/14/04
Posts: 18

Hi. I haven't posted here before but I also lost my dad last month. He passed away on May 3rd. While it wasn't sudden it was still heartbreaking. He had been in the hospital for 7 months. He was diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis on Feb. 24th 2004. We almost lost him that day to esophageal varices. Up until that day he had been strong and healthy so it came as a complete shock. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. I'm sorry I don't have any healing words. All I can offer is a shoulder to cry on, a ear to hear what you have to say and open arms for hugs. I'm told it will get better. I'm also told that for some reason 4 months after the death is the hardest. I can't imagine it being harder. My mom is completely lost as dad was the peg that held our family together and her and dad did everything together. Dad got to see a grandchild from me and hold him (dad called Mason "peepers"..lol). I find it helps to talk to Mason about his papaw.

Again...I'm soooo sorry for your loss.

Joined: 02/09/05
Posts: 5

I'm late to post here but I wanted to give you my sympathies and I hope you feel some healing from your loss.

I lost my dad 12 years ago in a boating accident so it was indeed sudden...one minute he was there and the next he was gone. I went through a lot of what you describe - I was a single mom to a 5 month old little girl at the time and my emotions were all over the place.

I can't say it's "all better" after 12 years, I still miss my dad and think of him pretty much every day. I do feel like I've been through a lot of the grief though and am learning to focus on the positive and how lucky I was to have him.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support...I'm here if you need to talk.

Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 1

Hi, I just joined today and I really hadn't planned on posting anything, I wanted to lurk around a bit and decide as to where what slot I belonged lol.

I am so sorry for you lost, and I know you are still hurting. I lost my Dad to a car accident when I was 18, which was 10 years ago. I recently (Jan 05) lost my Mom to a long illness. I Can relate totally. Its sudden and it hurts so different then anything cause I can compare to. I hope things start looking up and if I can be a venting post please feel free to PM me. Thanks

Crissy

cuddlebug's picture
Joined: 12/23/06
Posts: 14

Sorry for loss. I hope things are getting better for you. I lost my grandfather on Aug 12 due to Stage IV lung cancer. He had been release from the hospital the Wednesday prior because there was nothing further they could do and "sent him home to die". I understand the denial. I went his funeral, been to his gravesite and still, I don't believe he's gone. My mother was with him when he died. She can't get the sight/sound of him gasping for air and then the sight of him being wheeled out of the house on the gurney. There's one thing I'll never forget. I had visited him a week prior in the hospital. When I went to say goodbye, I took DD so he could see her too. He grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said "Take care of that baby". I about lost it when he said that. Sorry to have taken over your post with my story. I guess what I'm trying to say is sorry for your loss and we all know how you feel. :bighug:

Joined: 06/27/09
Posts: 50

Hello Lizzy, I m so sorry for heard about your father. I know what you feel in this time. I lost my uncle 3years ago and I really hurting. I miss him very much and can't forget him. I understand your feelings. Its really hard and difficult time for you.
When we lost our loved one, its very painful to us. You can trying to deal your grief with grief counseling. Its the best way to deal your grief. I pray to God for relief your grief and decrease your pain.
May God Bless you.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))