Mum passed on 15 January 2011, aged 61. I found out tonight via a death notice on the internet. Sounds odd doesn't it that I would learn this on the internet. It is odd - it sucks - and it's wrong. You see my mum was 15 when she had me, my dad was 18 and they were forced to marry (this was a long time ago, I am now 45). Two years later they had my sister. Our family was pretty chaotic. There was abuse, physical, sexual, emotional.....
After many years of hurt and recriminations from my mum (although there were good times too) when I was 32 I decided I couldn't take it anymore and broke contact. Life went on, and I thought about my mother many times, but was always too afraid to contact her. I couldn't face the hurt that I felt when she rejected me.
A couple of years ago mum contacted my cousin (after 10 years of no contact) and my cuz gave mum my ph number-my mother never contacted me. My mum's husband contacted my cousin and invited us to my mothers surprise 60th birthday. My mother got wind of his call and she had a bit of a tantrum, telling him that if we turned up she would not attend. He of course phoned my cousin and told her, she in turn told me. This hurt. Another year passed, still with no contact. I had been thinking of my mother a lot during this time. I got brave and called her mid last year. She cried and said she loved me, said what a terrible grandmother she had been. I said that the past didn't matter, that it was what we do from here that counts and she agreed. She told me she had not been well and that she was going to hospital and have rehab in prep for a hip replacement. I said I would arrange to come and see her and she said that would be great. I got on the phone and organised my flights. I phoned to let her know my flight times and she asked if it was such a good idea that I come up after all. I felt hurt and was perhaps a little abrupt, saying that it would still be fine, that I could stay and come and be close to visit her if she went into hospital earlier than anticipated. She was very negative about me doing that and I felt that she really didn't want me to go. I rang a few days later and asked if it would be better if I cancelled, she seemed relieved, so I cancelled my trip. This behaviour was very typical of my whole life with my mother, who would always talk about love, and family, being there for each other - but her action spoke a different story. She was beaten by my father, and she in turn beat us when we were young. She would punch me in the stomach and face when I was a teenager, and I would often go to school very bruised. But the thing that hurt me most, was that she never lived up to her words of family love and sticking together etc. She turned her back on me many, many times - also on my sister (who ultimately didn't fare as well as me and ended up with severe drug problems - which she has since been able to beat - sort of). So when she seemed negative about me visiting her after all these years I was once again hurt. I phoned her and when she did go into hospital I sent some flowers and a card and I kept in touch with her husband, whom I'd never met (as she didn't want to give me her mobile ph number), and enquired after her health. I never heard back from her or her husband and I decided that I would no longer maintain contact, I felt that she didn't want me too, so I didn't call her again after those half dozen or so calls.
Now she is dead. I found out via the internet. We were close when I was young - or so I believed - as I wanted to believe. She said she loved me. And I believed her. She also told me, when I was around 24, that she was very worried about me and when I asked her why she said because no-one loved me. And I believed her.
I hope she can rest in peace - I hope I can live in peace.
Goodbye mum, I'll remember the good times and let go of the bad times. I wish we could have done that during your lifetime - I'll never really know why we couldn't. Maybe you can be a better nanna to my two little angels who never made it into my arms.
I hope that you will check back and consider joining in on some of the other resources we have available on our site.
For now, I wanted to tell you that I am extremely sorry for your loss and even more so for all of the suffering you experienced -- both as a child and adult.
Judging from the bit that you shared, it seems that your mother was caught in a cycle of domestic violence and perhaps felt trapped - either by fear or circumstances. Know that I am in NO WAY making excuses for her behavior. Absolutely it was her responsibility to love and protect you. I do though believe that you may at least have a bit more understanding if you can connect with some local resource centers in your area regarding domestic violence... both to help you cope with your past relationship with your mom and also to help insure that you do your best to protect that 'cycle of abuse' from repeating for yourself and your own children.
Sometimes those that are victims like your mom do have a tendency to lash out in other relationships.. those that are within their control. If she suffered abuse as a child herself, the likelihood is expected to rise further.
As you grew into adulthood, it may be the roller-coaster ride that your mom was on with the "I love you" but then "Stay away" was that she DID truly love you and regretted the pain/suffering she had caused... but that she then pushed you away as she perhaps couldn't face the past. Certainly I am just speculating but like you I do hope that she is at peace that she couldn't live within on earth and that -- in time -- an even better sense of love and peace brings you comfort within your present life.
Finally - you mentioned having two angels. I am very sorry for your losses.
Please feel free to reach out anytime. You may reach me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wishing you all the best,