:cry: This is my first time here and it is hard for me to talk about my loss, cause I feel no one really understands. It has been 3 years now since my little girl has passed on. September 6-9,2000. Each day seems to get a little easier until you see something that remimds you of what you lost. Here's my story: This was my second pregnancy. I was healthy, the baby was moving around, everything was fine. When I went in for my last check up- 4 weeks before the baby was due, the doctors found a problem. The ultra sound showed what appeared to be a "hole" in my baby's stomache. The doctors couldn't figure it out, so they sent me to a specialist 150 miles away. So I went and the whole time I am thinking that maybe they just thought they seen something cause I have had no complications. Well, another ultra sound was done by these doctors and found that I had ALOT of amionic fluid around the baby. They said they needed to remove it and use it to run test to see if the baby was ok. So, I agreed and ended up staying in this hospital for 2 weeks while my daughter,7 y.o., was 150 miles away from me. Everday, 2 times a day I had this procedure done. The doctors told me that it didn't look good. They said that baby wasn't going to live, cause she had multiple birth defects from what the test showed, but can't determine how severe until she is born. The doctors said that if I didn't go into labor on the 4th that they would induce my labor so I could have her. The whole time I am thinking that I am going to have a healthy little girl on my other daughters birthday, the 4th. Well that didn't happen. I ended having an emergency c-section done on the 6th. When they took her from me she wasn't breathing, I didn't even hear her cry. I was able to glance over at her, but never got to hold her. They took her to NICU "IMMEDIATELY"!! That's when I knew something was really wrong. That's when reality set in. As they took her away, my heart stopped for a moment and all I could do was think about how much I love her. When I was taken from the recovery room back to my room I called my family and told them things were not good and that they needed to come, but not to bring my other daughter, cause I didn't know how it would affect her. Most women have to wait several hours before they are made to get up and walk after having a C-section, but not me. The thought of my daughter lieing there, not knowing, gave me the strength to get up, 3 hours after having her, and walk up 2 flights of stairs to be with her. The love for my daughter gave me that ability. I wasn't going to let anyone stop me. I didn't want pain medication, I didn't want food or water, I only wanted to spend what time I had left with my daughter. I sat by her side day and night for 4 days. I couldn't hold her, I couldn't touch her, all I could do was pray. She was so beautiful. She was 8lbs. 4oz. and there was alot wrong that no one could really see. X-rays were done and found that her lungs were paper thin and on the end to collapse. She had fluid on her brain. She had down-syndrome. She had a condition that considered her as a dwarf. Her hands were disfigured. She had no elbows. She had no knees. She had little round balls that should have been her toes. She had a feeding tube in her stomache cause her digestive system didn't form properly. She had a tube down her throat so she could breathe and constantly on pain medication. Her spinal cord didn't develope, and what hit me most was when they told me she was a "he"!! I was having twins and she formed as one! Female outside with male organs inside. The doctors didn't know how long she would live. Some of the BEST doctors around couldn't do anything for her. She had died twice and they brought her back. So, I had to make a decision. I loved so much that I didn't want to let her go, but I knew she was in pain and she would have no life. So, on day 4 I made my decision to let her go when I asked her to open her eyes just one time to let me know that you are going to be ok and that momma can let you go. As God as my witness, she opened her eyes as I was holding her hand and she looked at me, and with all she had left in her little body, she squeezed my hand. The doctors took her off the machines and I then was able to hold my daughter for the first time. She took 4 small breathes and then died in my arms. Now someone PLEASE tell me if you are reading this, "HOW DO YOU SAY GOOD_BYE?" It has been 3 years and it still feels like yesterday. My daughter was expecting a sisiter when I returned home and all I could do was tell her I love her. She asked me, " Momma, why couldn't God had taken me so my sissy could live?" It was hard enough leaving the hospital without my daughter and driving 150 miles to be with my other daughter. When does the pain stop? How do you go on? I try, but all the little babies I see are a reminder to me. I named her Kerrie Lynn and she was born 9-6-00 and died 9-9-00.