I;m in so much emotional pain.
My beloved Nan passed away yesterday at 8pm. She was admitted to hospital a few days previous after suffering a heart attack, and while she was there suffered another one, but once she was stabalised (christmas eve) she seemed to doing ok, no real great improvements. but stable enough to just be in CCU and monitored.
I got a call yesterday late afternoon to say to go to the hospital as she's taken a turn for the worse, and nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. She was basically unconcious, although when I said it was me, she opened up her eyes and stared, so I think she knew I was there. She had a terrible rattling sound to her breathing, which quickly became quieter and quieter and slower. She passed away less than an hour after I arrived, and I didn;t get to talk to her (conversation wise) if only I'd have gone in earlier I would have had that conversation, and to tell her how much I loved her i would KNOW for sure she knew.
I feel so torn, so lost, she was my emotional rock, my support, and more like a mother, than a grandmother to me. I adored her, and I miss her so dreadfully, the pain in my heart just hurts. I feel angry, I feel guilty, I feel sick. I don't know how to deal with all the emotions that I'm feeling.
I just want her back, even if it just for a few minutes, but I know she's not voming back, so why can't I deal with it?? I love her so dearly, I can't imagine my life without it. It's a huge void that can't be filled. What am I going to do without her???