My beloved Nan passed away yesterday at 8pm. She was admitted to hospital a few days previous after suffering a heart attack, and while she was there suffered another one, but once she was stabalised (christmas eve) she seemed to doing ok, no real great improvements. but stable enough to just be in CCU and monitored.
I got a call yesterday late afternoon to say to go to the hospital as she's taken a turn for the worse, and nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. She was basically unconcious, although when I said it was me, she opened up her eyes and stared, so I think she knew I was there. She had a terrible rattling sound to her breathing, which quickly became quieter and quieter and slower. She passed away less than an hour after I arrived, and I didn;t get to talk to her (conversation wise) if only I'd have gone in earlier I would have had that conversation, and to tell her how much I loved her i would KNOW for sure she knew.
I feel so torn, so lost, she was my emotional rock, my support, and more like a mother, than a grandmother to me. I adored her, and I miss her so dreadfully, the pain in my heart just hurts. I feel angry, I feel guilty, I feel sick. I don't know how to deal with all the emotions that I'm feeling.
I just want her back, even if it just for a few minutes, but I know she's not voming back, so why can't I deal with it?? I love her so dearly, I can't imagine my life without it. It's a huge void that can't be filled. What am I going to do without her???
Oh sweetheart all I can say to you is it gets easier with time, give yourself time to grieve, cry as much as you need to. I had all these feelings when my FIL passed a couple of years ago, he was more like a father to me than a FIL.
Tell her you love her she will hear you, she'll always be around you. Paul's dad is always around us as Hannah often tells us, kids are much more open to spiritual energy than adults.
Believe me when I say it does get easier with time, there will be a time when you'll smile when you remember her and what joy she brought you.
oh hun, she really, truely does know how you feel. I really believe that. She's around you and always will be. We are all here for you over on the Uk board sweetie xxxxx
Anna (30) Paul (28.) Serena (10) Jude (5) and Bump AKA "Tenacious D" (EDD 7 June 2012)
Thanks so much, I feel so drained. I want to cry all the time, everything sets me off. It's a hard thing to deal with, I need to be strong for people around me, but I want to curl up at the same time *sigh*
Thanks for the comforting words, they help so much xx.
I truly know how you feel. My mother passed away nov. 29, 2007. I have went into a denial mode cause when I think that she isn't coming back I just lose it emotionally. I can't deal with her being gone right now so I guess its bottled up until I can (which isn't healthy, I know). But getting back to you, the only advice I can give you is when you start feeling overwhelmed focus on something else. and as far as beating yourself up for not being there sooner, don't. She knows you love her.
As others have said, time will dull the pain. It's very raw now, and will continue to be, and then one morning you will wake up, and the pain will be less. And you will find a new normal in your life. Just keep telling her your love for her, the love bond is something that can't be broken, and will keep you sane in moments of despair.
My Guardian Spirit Richard 03/18/57 - 02/18/01
"Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid"
I m so sorry for your loss and I understand your feelings. I know you feel alone without your beloved and its true. When we lost our loved one, its so painful to us. My uncle also died with heart attack 3years ago.
If you wanna deal your grief then join grief counseling group. Its really very helpful for grieved person. Their way of talking is very well and you could easily deal with your grief. I know your heart broke from this loss. But you can trying live new life and move on. My prayers and wishes always with you.