I hate those nights
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  1. #1
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    Default I hate those nights

    I stayed up talking on the phone with a friend 'till after 11 last night...
    Slept pretty good, then early this morning had a really vivid dream about James. We were just hanging out on a couch watching a movie on TV, reclining back. I was sitting behind him. I had my arms around him, kind of over the top of his shoulders and around his neck, holding my hands together over his chest. I just kept hugging him and smelling his hair, kissing little kisses on the side of his neck. Not in a make out kind of way, just in an affectionate way... I just felt so at peace and comforted, just laying there on the couch, holding him in my arms. We were younger, in our 20's... and had the whole world waiting for us, we were going to live forever. But for that moment we were just hanging out watching a movie and enjoying being with each other, just doing nothing.
    When I woke up this morning I knew it had been a dream, I knew he was still dead. I did not wake up thinking he was still here (it kills me when I have those dreams)... I just felt empty this morning. Once again I woke up knowing how much I have lost. I'm not angry today, I am just wondering how much longer this will go on... years? people tell me "It's ONLY been 8 months..." how much longer will this last? I tore a tendon in my knee, that took less than 8 months to heal. how long dose it take when your heart and soul are ripped out of your body before you start to feel whole again, for more than just a few hours or a day?



    ETA~~ Is this a spectator's sport? So... my DH has passed away, I had a crappy night and out of 8 views not one word of anything...
    And T posted one thread that has had over 100 views and the only reply was mine... some people need to either get a life or get some humanity
    Jennie mom to Jordan 1/01 and JD 3/03
    Married Best friend James 6/27/92, lost him 8/4/04


  2. #2
    Posting Addict rickydiculous's Avatar
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    Jennie

    It's been 4 years for me... every day I wonder when the hurt ends... I don't think it ever does. You just learn to live with it... like a scab that never heals...


    And as you described the dream, I could taste it. Because it's been many-a-night that I've had those dreams. I kind of sleep for them now. It used to be I was terrified of having to go to sleep alone. Now I say a prayer every night wishing that my DH will visit me.
    My Guardian Spirit Richard 03/18/57 - 02/18/01
    "Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid"

  3. #3
    maitlynn
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    Jennie, You know i love ya and think of you constantly! Sending you huge hugs and you know how awsome and stong i KNOW you are!

    Big HUGS!!!!

  4. #4
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    Thanks ladies good to know that there is some support out there when I need it
    Jennie mom to Jordan 1/01 and JD 3/03
    Married Best friend James 6/27/92, lost him 8/4/04


  5. #5
    CathyTheGreat
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    Those dreams sound like a blessing and a curse. I'm sorry you're hurting, I can't even imagine what you're going through.

  6. #6
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    Hi Jennie.

    I don't know you very well (maybe from the debate boards?) but I wanted to send some *hugs* your way. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that your heart is healing a little every day.

    Karen

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    Thanks Cathy and Karen Long time no see!

  8. #8
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    Hi, I've never lurked here before but I just saw your post on the Anything board. Anyway, just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and for your hurt.

  9. #9
    meggiemom
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    Hi Jennie

    You know I love you hun

    I'm thinking of you all the time I miss you so much
    .xxx

  10. #10
    Posting Addict 3boys&roo's Avatar
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    Sweetie I am so sorry you are going through this! I don't have any advice to give, just (((hugs)))!
    Amber wife to Don mama to:
    Eathan 4.16.97
    Noah 2.24.00
    Jakob 1.24.01 &
    Addison 11.20.07










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