I'm going to express my frustration here
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Thread: I'm going to express my frustration here

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    Posting Addict rickydiculous's Avatar
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    Default I'm going to express my frustration here

    And will probably delete this once the frustration is out!

    **********ARGH!!!*******

    How quickly people are to judge! And why do I have to read that drivel the day before the 4th anniversary. What is DH telling me???


    I miss him!!!!!!!!!!

    ***edited out***

    And some others applauded me for trying to date again so quickly. But you see I never could find him. But no one ever told me to stop trying. I just thought I could get that happiness back again.

    But it's been 4 years, and I'm coming to terms that I will never get that happiness back again. That sense of security that everything is and will be fine in the end.
    My Guardian Spirit Richard 03/18/57 - 02/18/01
    "Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid"

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    Posting Addict rickydiculous's Avatar
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    Man I haven't cried in a long time.

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    Hun I'm sorry, I wish I knew what happend
    (((((HUGS))))))) If you need to cry, cry! F* the rest of them
    Please email or pm me if you want to.
    Jennie mom to Jordan 1/01 and JD 3/03
    Married Best friend James 6/27/92, lost him 8/4/04


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    OK, I think I just found the "problem", the debate thread. right?
    I only read a few responses and am already getting my back up. I don't know how people are all worried abut the kids, like we aren't woried about our kids!
    James has been dead 6 months. The last time I had sex with him was Father's day weekend.
    I'll say it loud and proud I had a 1 night stand in Janurary. The kids were not in the house and he did not spend the night. I would not do that to my kids. However I miss the emotional part of sex. Not just the act. I hate getting into bed by myself, every night. I hate waking up alone, every morning. I miss the feeling of strong arms wrapped arround me and holding me, not sexual, just comforting and reassuring. I miss kissing someone, really kissing them, my kids don't count.
    I was such a disasted when James died, my mom came and stayed with me for 2 weeks, long enough to know that I was capeable of getting up in the morning and getting dressed, and feeding the kids. I'm glad she did. i remember bits and pieces of that 2 weeks, mostly parts of making the arrangements, the service, and going to the creamatorium the day after with his brother and kissing his forehead one last time.


    (T don't read this next part... kind of harsh)
    Have you ever touched someone that has passed away for a while? Freeze a pieece of meat that is smooth, like a skinless chicken breast tightly wrapped in plastic wrap. Make sure it is hard and cold. loosely lay a thin sheet or a paper towel over that, so it can move arround a little, then put it in a plastic bag. Lightly press your hand on the plastic and move it, that is the closest thing I can equate it to. And that was the last touch I ever had from my best friend, the father of my children, my lover, and my partner for what was supposed to be the rest of my life. FTR that should have been a lot longer than 36.

    I don't know what to do at this point in my life. I am not supposed to be a widdow at 35, but here I am. I was not supposed to be alone to raise 2 kids that were 18 months and 3 at that time either, but I will. I put my life on hold for my kids. I quit my job so I could be here for them. I took them out of daycare for 3 months. for 3 months I had them 24/7, I never had a break. NEVER. I put them back in daycare when it dawned on me one day that I had not showered in 5 days. I couln't. I had no time that I could. The kids were waking up at 5:30 in the morning and bedtime becae a fight that would last until after 9:30 some nights. Then I still had to do everything else, laundry, clean the house, kitchen.... If I tried taking a shower when they napped, they woke up.
    If I didn't have the kids I just might have a differnet guy here every night of the week. Just something so I don't have to sleep alone. So I can remember that I am alive, because something died in me when I lost James. I have this cold empty ache in my chest that just dose not leave. I don't feel it as much as I did 6 months ago, but it is still there. Like a broken limb, even after the bone has set, that dose not mean that it still won't ache from time to time.
    I can go without the sex, it has nothing to do with sex. The needs I have center arround feeling like someone cares about me, deeply, even if it is only a "temporary fix". How many of you could say you could go for the rest of you life never feeling loved again? Ever? It is a thought that scares the hell out of me. How could anyone ever love a middle aged woman with 2 little kids that need to be raised? Most of the guys my age are either
    1) married
    2) never married, no kids
    or
    3) have kids that are much older and don't want to deal with diapers again.

    Maybe there will still be someone out there for me, I would like to think so. But I would like to think that others would not be so quick to judge if I chose to find a little solace in the arms of someone for a night, just so I can remember what it feels like to feel loved, even if it is for a few hours.

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    Posting Addict rickydiculous's Avatar
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    You know what kept me up at night, Jennie? Still does.... when I laid my head on his chest, it was still warm. See, he had just been declared dead half an hour before. And to this day, I have nightmares that he wasn't actually dead.


    Tomorrow Ricky and I are going to the gravesite. We'll go buy him some flowers.
    My Guardian Spirit Richard 03/18/57 - 02/18/01
    "Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid"

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    I'm sorry.

    I was not with him when he was declared dead. His parents and a brother were with him. I was home trying to arrange for a sitter after daycare so I could go to the hospital. It was not real to me. A doctor called me from the hospital after his father called to tell me. The doctor wanted to know about an autospy. I did not want one. I know what they do during an autopsy, and I knew that if there was a chance he was still alive that he would never survive an autopsy. Then his brother wanted one so he could have "closure". I freaked when the funeral home spoke to the hospital and told me that they would call when they were done with the autopsy. I felt totaly betrayed.
    Even after the service, after the autopsy, and the stuff the funeral home did, I still hated having him creamated "just in case there was a chance". Maybe that was why I needed to touch him one more time, just to make sure.
    In hind sight now I'm glad the autopsy was done. I now know that the cancer had spread to every organ in his body, after he had done the entire chemo treatment. So even if he had not arrested and coded, several times, there was still nothing they could do for him

    I miss resting my head on his chest, feeling him breathe. even those funny little tummy gurggles, lol.
    I met someone on line a few weeks ago. Great guy. I had to tell him no, I was not ready for a relationship. I got the feeling that we would be perfect for each other on so many different levels. I don't want to mess him up when it ends up being "just a rebound" relationship. I already have to tell one great guy that could make me happy no thanks, so I can find a "just ok guy" that I won't care about in a year. What happens if when I am ready, through the grief and the "rebound(s)" that all the guys that were perfect for me are gone?
    Then there's the kids. How many relationships am i going to drag them through? I want to spare them as much as I can, but still. Unless I don't let anyone meet my kids until the engagement party..... how realistic is that?

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    Posting Addict rickydiculous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3Js_n_a_Jr

    Then there's the kids. How many relationships am i going to drag them through? I want to spare them as much as I can, but still. Unless I don't let anyone meet my kids until the engagement party..... how realistic is that?
    I know what you mean. I had a rebound relationship that lasted 3 months about a year after DH died. Ricky was about 2 and a bit at the time. Just barely talking and into everything. I really cared about this guy, but wasn't that heartbroken when he finally ended things with me. Actually my upset over that break up lasted a day. I guess after your life partner dies, the break up of a 3 month relationship is anticlimactic.

    Anyway, Ricky did meet Mark. And I referred to Mark as mommy's friend. Ricky was too young to understand boyfriends at the time anyway. And when we broke up, I did feel guilt that I had introduced Ricky to Mark, but how was I to know that we were going to end so quickly? We had even talked about getting married one day. But I explained to Ricky that sometimes friends don't like each other anymore and you just aren't friends anymore.

    The other thing is: I have female friends who stay overnight. I live in the suburbs so if I have people over for dinner, often they will stay the night so they don't have to drive after drinking. At this age, for Ricky when people stay the night, it is just a sleepover. Quite innocent. If I actually had a boyfriend who I felt comfortable having overnight, I would just tell Ricky it's a sleepover. However, I don't think the first time Ricky meets a guy is over the breakfast table. But I would keep it innocent. And I wouldn't wait until we were engaged.

    Wow, I've gone on!


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    I met an amazing guy on eharmony.com about 2 weeks ago. Yesterday I told him that I didn't think we could date. The only reason I did that is because I did not want him to be a rebound. I thought he deserved better than that. He was hurt pretty bad a year ago, had a few girlfriends sense and finaly had his head together. I did not want to be responsible for his next broken heart.
    The great thing about the computer age is with IM I have been meeting lots of guys. Not IRL, but I have a list that I chat w/online a lot. I have met 3 of them IRL, nice enough. one of them was the 1 night stand. We still talk, I just don't want to sleep with him again (buyer's remorse ).
    One of them I met in December, he flat out stated that he did not want a girlfriend, I apreciate his honesty. We still flirt on line, all the time. I told him yesterday that I was going to update my profile to something like "Not looking for a long term commitment, just a rebound relationship of arround 6 months or so. No obligation for anything other than lots of sex." That made him laugh pretty hard, then he told me I would probably have lots of offers :rofl:
    I have not introduced anyone to my kids yet, but I would say "friend" is the way I would go too. Jordan is at an age though where if she sees two people kissing she says they are going to get married, so there wouldn't be any smooching infront of her. "Idealy" I would probably like to keep it at "his" house (whoever "he" is), but I'm not sure how many nights a week I could get someone to stay over, and I don't want my kids thinking that I am always gone either.
    Guess I'll deal with it when it happens.
    I've got to say, dating is brutal out there.
    Some days I do just think it would be easier to wait until the kids are in college

    and I lover your new siggy BTW

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