Hi, I'm Skyler I'm new to here.
Oh god where do I start?? I feel so ungodly just ticked off and yet it feels like everything is crashing down at the same time...I want to cry and scream and I don't know what to do....so I guess I start at the first page of everything huh?
I was married for two years, we were together for five years. He was an military man...we found out during our second year of being married we were expecting. And...oh god I thought my heart would explode from being so happy. He seem'd excited too. Our parents were all excited, things were just good. No they were wonderful. I still remember like it was an hour ago the first time I heard my daughters heartbeat, I think my whole world just stopped. Oh god that was the most amazing thing in the world, and then my doctor became very worried about how low my placenta was, and my heart rate, Rachel's heart rate and my my back disorders. That's when I found out that I needed to fill out a living will because the risk factors were so high, he didn't know if I would live if I carried to full term. I have a back disorder called kelp-feil and it includes a lot of other things other than my back. So I spent most of my pregnancy in bed or at the hospital. But no matter what anyone said, or my ex husband I couldn't abort her. I heart her heart beat and I fell in love with her that very minute, nothing could change it. I knew what I needed to do. My ex left for kuwait and two weeks later I went into labor at 25 weeks, I don't really remember much of what happened. I was in a coma for a week, and she was in the hospital for almost four months. Three months, and 3 weeks, and 4 days. She had a lot of lung problems, but we all thought she was doing ok...but two weeks after her 6 month mark, I went into check on her and she wasn't breathing. When they told me there was nothing they could do, I am pretty sure my heart just died. My ex husband came back home, and he pretty much blamed me, and became very abusive. So I left him, and due to him not being able to let me go, and let me move on and try to live somewhat of a normal life I moved 1700 miles away from.
So now I am in wonderful(not really) Texas, with a new teaching job. Pregnant once again, and I am so scared. I already failed once as a mom, I don't think I could handle it again.
God I am so mad! I just don't know how to explain it. Its not fair! She's perfect she didn't deserve to die. Its not her fault. Everyone keeps saying it'll get better, just give it time. But sorry I will never not love her, I will never not miss her, I will never not wake up and wish and pray that she is in a better place. she was my heart and soul, she's my angel....she was everything that is good in this world and more. I can still barely cope with losing her, and I don't know if I could cope with losing another child. I am just so scared...