Even as I write this I cant believe it is true. On the 17th June this year, my dear mum died from lung cancer and bone secondaries. We only knew she had cancer for 12 days before she passed away. I think I am still in shock. She was taken in to hospital with breathing difficulties, and they drained three litres of fluid from her right lung. They sent it to the lab for analysis, and after an agonising wait the consultant called me, my sister and my father in to a side room to tell us that mum had lung cancer. He also told us it had definitely spread, and was incurable. The shock we felt I just cannot find the words to describe. We went back to my mums bedside, and my dad told her she had cancer with the consultant standing by. My mum broke down and said she could not leave my dad and us children, I had to walk out of the room to catch my breath whilst my dad told her that not only did she have cancer it could also not be cured. My mum was very brave, and insisted she wanted to come home to die, and be around her family, so we arranged to get her home as quickly as possible. Even then we still thought she may have a few months left. How wrong we were.
The day she was due to come home, my sister and I did the shopping, cleaned the house from top to bottom, and made her a lovely meal. We were so pleased she was coming home. When the ambulance pulled up to bring her home I cried with relief as I saw them putting her back in her favourite chair in the living room. We did not know she would never move from that chair again, and that she would never see any of the work we had done in the other rooms or need the shopping we had bought for her. She tried to eat dinner but she just could not, she was in agony. After she had settled down a little, she wanted to sleep and my dad said for my sister and I to go home as they wanted a little time together. I left feeling so happy she was home where she wanted to be.
The next morning I got a phone call early to say mum had taken a drastic turn for the worst, I rushed to the house, and could not believe what I saw, she looked so ill. She was blue, and could barely breath and was crying in pain. I was just devastated. Not long after I arrived a doctor came to the house, and put her on a morphine driver for the pain, and a macmillan nurse came to talk to us. They explained mum just had hours or days left to live. I cannot begin to describe how heartbroken I was. I stayed at the house with her my sister, brother, and dad, and we nursed her for 24 hours a day till she died. Each day she got worse and worse. To begin with she could talk to us, and we all had some tearful talks, and said our good-byes. The hours we spent sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling her we loved her, I will never forget. Looking back, I am not sure how we coped or got through it, the pain was so intense. I could not quite believe I was watching my dear mother, my best friend die of cancer so rapidly. I could not believe what was happening to our family. She was the strength and the support, the centre of our world, and she was dying.
She was so worried about me as I had recently found out that I was pregnant. I had had a missed m/c in Jan and she was so worried that the same thing might happen again, and even as she lay dying, she kept asking how I was. I just could not stop thinking how she would never meet my baby, and how much my 5 year old ds and 7 year old dd would miss her so terribly. She was such a wonderful grandmother.
Mum lasted a week after she was put on the morphine driver, the district nurses came in each day to check how we were coping and to review her medication, but we were determined we would take care of her to the end. It was the very least she deserved. The day before she died she slipped in to a coma, and that was so terrible, knowing we would never be able to talk to her again. I kept wishing she would wake up, but I could not bear for her to suffer anymore. I knew she had had enough, she could not beat it and she was ready to go. She kept telling us her dad and sister were waiting in heaven for her. On 17th June at 10.35pm, we all sat around her as she took her final peaceful breath. I know a piece of my heart died at that moment too, as I lost the dearest mother any young woman could be lucky enough to have. My dear mum was just 57, I am just 26, and she died just 12 days after being diagnosed with cancer. So terribly unfair.
Everyday I miss her, I pick up my phone to text her, I want to call her, but she is not there. Her funeral just broke our hearts. We played her 2 favourite songs 'years from now' by Dr Hook, and 'wonderful tonight' by Eric Clapton. The first was my parents wedding song, and the second, one that my dad used to sing to her regularly. My husband spoke at her funeral and his words were perfect and did her justice.
Everyday I worry that I will never be a mother as wonderful as she was and how I will manage without her support and advice to guide me. I worry about my childrens birthdays and how they will miss her, and I worry about how I will cope when I have my new baby not having her around.
I am sorry this was so long, and thank you for reading if you got this far.
I have posted this link to a song that reminds me of her, and says everything that I feel about her. Im glad that I have told her story
I hope you don't mind me responding here. I have been thinking about you since I read your post and then saw on another that your mum had passed. Everything you write here reminds me so much of when my mom passed away from the same tragic disease. Your words are almost the same words that I would write. Everyday I miss my mom so much and recently we went through a really rough time with our third child and the possiblity that he had cancer and wishing that I could call her and talk to her or that she could come over and drink a cup of coffee with me and reassure me that he would be ok. I know that there is a reason for our mom's going so early in life but I dont' know what it is yet. I know they are in our hearts and will live on through us and our children. From the way your write and the words you say...I know that you are going to be a beautiful mother just like yours! God bless you and your family! I am keeping you in my prayers and if ever you would like to pm me, please feel free to. Lots of hugs!
I know you don't know me but I was wondering how you and your family are holding up. Your post broke my heart as I could only begin to imagine what you have been through. I watched my brother die and I know it is one of the most painful things to witness, but your dear sweet mother, it must have been horrible. You and your family did right by her. She wanted to be home and you took care of that wish and it wasn't easy for you all but you did it for her. You are your mother as so many of us daughters are. So don't worry about being a good mother, you will be as she was to you. Now she is with her dad and her sister and she is an angel among angels, watching over you and your family. God Bless you all.
Peggy: 3 grown, raising one more!
DD Rachel- 24
DS Richard- 22
DD Avinli- 5!
I m so sorry for your loss. I read your post and its really heartbreaking. It makes me cry. I understand your feelings and its really tough time for you. My have also the same situation like you. He is also depressed from death of his mom. I pray to God for you.