My story, in Remembrance of My Son

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Joined: 02/07/06
Posts: 4
My story, in Remembrance of My Son

Dear Readers

I am writing to you because recently I have gone through a loss.

I have now experienced my very first pregnancy and like most mothers I thought about it constantly. Everything from beginning to end seemed so perfect. My doctor was so please with the way my son was growing, and commended me many times on the way I was taking care of myself and my unborn child. I never thought it would happen to me. I was 26 weeks pregnant, planning my baby shower for this April, because I wanted it to be a huge celebration. I was having my grandmothers very first great grandson. On my mother's side of the family everyone seems to only be able to have girls. I didn't notice my baby kick any on January 19th...January 20th I had a doctors appointment. I asked my doctor if I can get an ultrasound because I didn't personally hear a heartbeat, but the doctor told me that everything was fine because he heard a whoosh whoosh sound. I know now, it was the water he was listening to. Because my doctor said everything was fine, I trusted him and I felt that maybe my son was just in a position where I wouldn't feel his movement. On January 28th at 1 am I went to the hospital because my left breast was hurting, and that morning I found out my baby had no heartbeat. I was devastated. So eager to have my baby with me, and I had to find out this way that day would never come. With my family and few friends by my side, I delivered Dillon X. Brown stillborn on January 28th, 2005 at 10:20pm.

I had to hold my son, didn't want him to go without me feeling him in my arms atleast once. I didn't cry at the hospital, I was just grateful for the opportunity to spend as much time as I could with him. I looked at my son, and from what the doctors told me he was dead in my womb for a week or more, and I kind of knew it. My husband and I, and family members took an album full of photos of us all posing in pictures with him. I still think that maybe if I went to the hospital the day I felt him stop kicking he may have survive...but, I couldn't imagine how much more painful it wouldv'e been to have a tiny premature baby with a lot of tubes attached to them, thinking that they can die anytime after all of that. Or even the problems he could have physically later on in life. Though I wish he was here, healthy and happy I am at peace now with the way he left the world...looking so peaceful at sleep, clean and without sin. I bonded with my baby for 7 months and at time it felt like for nothing. But I realized it was definitely for something. I think everything happens for a reason, my son was sent here for a little while to teach me something, and he served his purpose and left. I am grateful that the nurses brought him up from the morgue all the days that I was in the hospital so I can spend a few hours with him each day. The staff at the hospital were all so nice and understanding. I am grateful that they spent time talking to and consoling me, and sharing the stories of their own losses. I am glad that he lived as long as he did so that I was able to have a proper funeral, and burial for him. Everyone has been pressuring me to take action against the clinic doctor because of his negligence but emotionally I cannot do it for the reason that it will not bring my son back. I'm just glad he was my son, and like many other babies who aren't given a chance on earth, Dillon was too good for the world so God handpicked him to be an angel. Take care of yourselves everyone and thank those of you who emailed me to show support.

Sincerely With Love,

tinaruger's picture
Joined: 09/28/02
Posts: 82

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you were able to make peace with it. If you need to talk. I am here.


Joined: 02/07/06
Posts: 4

Thank you so much Tina. It is greatly appreciated. Smile

Joined: 02/18/05
Posts: 2

I am so sorry for your loss!! When I read your story it brought back so many emotions for me because I remember feeling the same way you did.......If only I had gone to the doctor sooner maybe my baby would have had a chance.........Why didn't I go in when I stopped feeling the movement.......Deep down inside I had a terrible feeling something was wrong because of the lack of movement, but my husband and friends would all reasure me that it must be the baby's position or maybe this baby was just less active or.... When I did find out my baby had died at 24 weeks I felt responsible because after I delivered I was told she had only been dead a day at the most and the whole week before I hardly felt any moevement and a couple of days I don't remember feeling any but she still would have been alive then, so if I would have gone in they probably could have detected the placental separation then. I would never intentionally harm my baby in any way, but I can't help but feeling responsible because I was so naive about anything going wrong after all I had a normal first pregnancy and I do remember times when my baby was less active. Do they know what happened in your case? If I get pregnant again my first purchase will be a fetal monitor and you can bet everyday I will be listening to that heartbeat and keeping track of daily movements!! Sad :(

Joined: 02/07/06
Posts: 4

Hi Pinkbow,

Actually because my son wasn't strangled by the umbilical cord, or sick, the preliminary autopsy result was left as basically unknown. He could have actually still been alive for a while afterward, because the doctors did say his gestational age was 27 weeks, but because he had skin peeling they assumed he was already deteriorating in the womb, everything's just a mystery to us all. I'm sorry to hear about your loss also, and if there is anything you would like to talk to me about you can always send me a note. My husband read your response to me and he was stunned by how similar our situation was. He and friends also reassured me many times that the baby may have just been lazy because I did sleep a lot around that time, and I did research online during that time and some women would go a week without feeling any movement then their baby would be active again. I used to feel responsible, and still sometimes do, but you can not control your destiny. Some things no matter how hard are just meant to happen. We both will just know better for the next pregnancy, we'll be less naive, and a lot more alert. Good luck to you, and God bless.