Not Grieving? Mad/Nothing?
I am really wondering about grieving and the whole process. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too overwhelmed by the losses this year. I lost my mother to advanced breast cancer on March 1st. Right around then, I got pregnant with my little surprise and it was wonderful -I felt it was a real gift for me and my family. Then my grandmother (mom's mom) died. I lost the baby in the first week of may at around 9 weeks. I was devistated and was sad, but really just powered through it. Went back to work and got back into life. Lately I have been realizing that I just don't feel much other than occassional anger over my loss. I don't feel much over the loss of my mother, either. Other than a few times where I really feel the losses, for the most part I just don't feel anything. Life is just normal. But I am certainly not happy. I actually had a happy feeling once a few months ago and that's when I realized that it is like I am numb. I am on medications that I am wondering if they actually inhibit my feelings - things I should be feeling. It helps get through the days and the weeks, but am I missing out on the good feelings too? And I feel like I want to be sad about my Mom. I want to be soo sad. It's there...god, I know it's there. All the time..just under the surface. My mom was my best friend, truly. And I wanted that child. But I can't seem to make him or her real to me. Not because s/he wasn't real to me...but almost a denial...always pushing back thoughts/feelings.
I was just wondering if anyone ever felt the same way. I just am so alone in this since it seems that no one really wants to know or care....