I am really wondering about grieving and the whole process. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too overwhelmed by the losses this year. I lost my mother to advanced breast cancer on March 1st. Right around then, I got pregnant with my little surprise and it was wonderful -I felt it was a real gift for me and my family. Then my grandmother (mom's mom) died. I lost the baby in the first week of may at around 9 weeks. I was devistated and was sad, but really just powered through it. Went back to work and got back into life. Lately I have been realizing that I just don't feel much other than occassional anger over my loss. I don't feel much over the loss of my mother, either. Other than a few times where I really feel the losses, for the most part I just don't feel anything. Life is just normal. But I am certainly not happy. I actually had a happy feeling once a few months ago and that's when I realized that it is like I am numb. I am on medications that I am wondering if they actually inhibit my feelings - things I should be feeling. It helps get through the days and the weeks, but am I missing out on the good feelings too? And I feel like I want to be sad about my Mom. I want to be soo sad. It's there...god, I know it's there. All the time..just under the surface. My mom was my best friend, truly. And I wanted that child. But I can't seem to make him or her real to me. Not because s/he wasn't real to me...but almost a denial...always pushing back thoughts/feelings.
I was just wondering if anyone ever felt the same way. I just am so alone in this since it seems that no one really wants to know or care....
I know that feeling it is called shock and it can last a long time. But the meds may not be helping you. My son was born 16 days after I had Peter and I had PPD. The OB refused to medicate me saying "you need to grave naturally with out meds" I hated that at the time I felt I needed help. But 3 years out I am glad we did not go that route even if I was like a crying lump for 10 months after it all happened. Feeling bad is normal and not a BAD thing. Did you go on meds after the losses or are they a all the time thing?
I hope you are feeling a little better! That is a lot of tragedy at one time.
I do want to say that your last sentence stuck out to me . . . do you have anyone you can talk to? It might be that they are feeding off of the emotions or lack thereof they seem from you and assume you don't want to talk about it. My parents died over 10 years ago, and on the anniversary of it, my DH never said anythign to me - when we talked that night b/c I was upset, he said he had asked a couple of times how I was doing in case I wanted to talk, and since I didn't respond about anything, he took that as a sign I didn't want to talk about it. From my perspective, he asks me how I'm doing every day - I didn't realize it was different that day.
Anyway, I'm sorry - not trying to highjack your thread - just wanted to put that possibility out there. I'm also still heistant to bring it up to others becasue I don't want to depress them, and many people don't know what to say - if that is the case, maybe try to find a therapist to talk to - not because anything is wrong - just a pair of ears that you don't have to worry about depressing!
I really hope you are feeling better and start to find some sense of peace!
First, I m so sorry for your losses. I understand your feelings and its really tough time for you. If you are not grieving because many peoples have different ways of grieving. Some are showing normal and some are going to deep grief.
I think you can going to grief counseling because it is the good way to deal your grief. Don't think that you are mad. I hope everything will be fine. Believe in God and move on.
May God Bless you.