POSTED ON PREVIOUS BOARD on 2002-02-17
Today is the one year mark... the 18th is the official date of death, but the 17th was the last time I saw my dearest love alive. I feel like my heart has been ripped out today. The saddness is unbearable. I was finally able to let it out for a breif moment and let the saddness that was overbrimming, out.
Last night my Richard visited me... He showed me his saddness too. In my dream he was on death row... and I couldn't see him. I knew where he was I was outside this jail waiting for him, but I was not allowed to see him, touch him, hold him, kiss him. So instead, I threw pebbles over these walls and called out to him. And he met me on the other side and we talked with the wall seperating us. And he told me to be strong and I told him I couldn't. And he was sad we couldn't be together anymore. And I was so sad my heart hurt.
I went away in my dream and came back... and somehow I managed to get into one room of this jailhouse where I did get to meet him for a brief instant... and oh how we kissed and held each other, and it was so familiar and nice and comforting... but he said that I had to leave, I wasn't allowed to stay and then he went away again.
The next thing I knew.... he was gone, taken away and I would never see him again.
I woke up with such saddness in my heart.... It's just unbearable. My son, Ricky keeps asking me: "Mummy, crying?" All I can do is hold him and cry some more. The sun is bright today in the sky, but my heart has been clouded over for a year now.
I guess these emotions are expected on the first year death anniversary. My love comes to me at least once a week to check on me in my dreams... that is comforting.... but after all these months, I still wish he could have stayed in his human form and not have moved on into the spirit realm.
Thanks for hearing my pain on this dreadful day.