What I wish Others Understood
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  1. #1
    Contributor
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    Default What I wish Others Understood

    This is something that I would like to share with all of you that has lost a child.
    I wish you would not be afraid to speak my childs name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear her name.
    If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it is not because you have hurt me. The fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outburst are healing.
    I wish you would not "kill" my child again by removing from your home her pictures or other rememberances.
    I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.
    I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed seperately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish that you would not compare your lose of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.
    Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me.
    I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
    I wish you would not expect my grief to be over in a few months or even six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As with "alcoholics" I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
    I wish you understood my loss and the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time, or not at all, develope a host of illnesses, and be accident-prone, all of which may be related to my grief.
    My childs birthday, the anniversary of her death, and holidays are terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about my child on these days, and if I get quiet and withdraw, just know that I am thinking about my child and do not try to coerce me into being cheerful.
    It is normal and good that we re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.
    I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way that I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
    I wish you could understand that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self", you are and will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-
    maybe you will like me still !
    Lisa Hill

  2. #2
    Prolific Poster
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    Dec 2001
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    sorry was browsing the boards and thought this was absolutely wonderful.
    Momma of Mandi Lynn Beckman
    Born 08/09/02





  3. #3
    Contributor
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    Apr 2002
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    DC Metro Area
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    Default LC mentioned

    Lisa,

    What you've written is right on...I too suffered the loss of child. My precious ~Ryan~ was stillborn at 22.4 weeks gestation and I can say..it's been the absolute hardest thing to deal with!! I'll never, EVER get over it and I'll always, FOREVER love him w/ my heart and soul and I wish people would understand that. I hate hearing "it was for the best" and "you can try again"! No other child will replace my beautiful son. My heart is so empty w/o him, yet the love I have for my living child (a 2 y.o. son) has been strengthened! It's so weird and confusing.

    I just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

    I hope you continue to find peace and I pray that your precious Kerrie Lynn is healthy and happy and safe in the Lord's arms.

    Lisa, Mommy to...
    Julian 12/09/01
    ~angel~ m/c 4/2/03
    ~Ryan~ 10/27/03

  4. #4
    Super Poster
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    Mar 2004
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    Default

    I've seen that and it is exactly what a grieving parent feels.
    Jamie
    Jacob 6/23/00,
    Joshua 10/18/04
    Elijah 1/8/09
    Amber 8/5/98-7/7/03


  5. #5
    Contributor
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    Apr 2004
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    Hawaii
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    Jamie-- I just visited your daughter's memorial page, and I was in tears. What a precious, precious child. (((((HUGS)))))

  6. #6
    Mega Poster
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    San Antonio, Texas home of Spurs
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    Jamie she was a perfect angel. I thank you for sharing your life with us. May God bless you & your upcoming baby.

  7. #7
    Mega Poster
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    Jamie she was a perfect angel. I thank you for sharing your life with us. May God bless you & your upcoming baby.

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