Advice

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
_Jessicah_'s picture
Joined: 04/21/11
Posts: 1973
Advice

Some of you may remember me posting about my little one having trouble at daycare and being very clingy to me and DH the past few weeks. I talked to the woman at the daycare today and she said that Brynna continues to cry but eventually calms down. Her crying varies in length of time. Today she cried for only 20 minutes. Last week they let her cry for 2 1/2 hours before they let her call my Mom. My mom has offered to keep Brynna the next couple of weeks until the baby comes and then I will keep her the 7 weeks that I am off on maternity leave.

My question is do you think it's a good idea for me to just "give in" to Brynna and let my mom keep her or should we hold our ground and continue to send her to the daycare even though she cries every single day? I am so torn because part of me knows that we can't give her the idea that if she cries then she will get to leave like she wants but I also don't want my daughter crying for hours at a time either and if she needs the extra attention from us and our families right now then she should get it. Each solution has it's pros and cons and I am just at a loss right now as to what is the best solution. I guess maybe some outside perspective could help me see things better.

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

If it were me, I would take mom up on her offer.

I don't think this is one of those situations where you would be giving in to the crying as there is a lot more to your situation:

1. You are pregnant and having the stress of worrying every day about her crying will only make these next few weeks even harder on you and your family.
2. If she just started acting this way, and it's not a new daycare for her, I think something is up and this is not just a ploy for attention or control (of course you know your child and her temperament). My DS is the kind that if he was doing this, I would worry as he does not normally use crying and tantrum throwing as a means for getting what he wants.
3. With that said, I would be still be really careful how you frame the change with her, to avoid any connections of crying=get what I want. Maybe say "grandma wants you to stay with her for a few days, is that okay?" Keep it simple and positive and take the drama out of it.
4. While you're home with her, continue to prep her for the return to daycare. Try to see if there are other reasons for her not wanting to be there (older kids being mean, ect). maybe when you return her, it needs to be to a new place if that's the case.

Hope that helps!

Joined: 04/10/11
Posts: 1703

Jessicah, I'm sorry to hear Brynna is still having such a hard time. I am not in any position to give advice on this but I absolutely see what you mean about the pros and cons of both sides. Clearly it's not just random acting out when there's a new baby on the way. I would probably "give in" and accept your mom's help just because it's such an emotional time for Brynna but I'd never fault a decision to tough out the next couple of days and hope it gets better with time at day care.

Joined: 04/10/11
Posts: 1703

"fireflies11" wrote:

3. With that said, I would be still be really careful how you frame the change with her, to avoid any connections of crying=get what I want. Maybe say "grandma wants you to stay with her for a few days, is that okay?" Keep it simple and positive and take the drama out of it.

Oh good call!

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

I agree with Amy. If she has been going to that daycare for a while and had no problems until recently, maybe something has changed for her there and she isn't happy? My DS started acting out a lot and crying when I was taking him etc. to a daycare he had been going to for a year and a half! After I changed daycares and a few adjustment days, that has pretty much gone away. He would tell me about kids being mean to him at the other daycare and stuff like that.

PAmom2boys's picture
Joined: 04/29/09
Posts: 1494

That's a tough one. I'm not sure what I would do and every child handles things differently. I do agree with what Amy is saying. I hope your able to find a solution.

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Amy said everything I was thinking. Having your mom keep her will make your life easier and more stress free right now. Also, it will save you money I assume.

And...I was going to say the same thing about not telling her the actual reason. Maybe you can say the sitter is going to go on vacation or grandma misses her and wants to be with her for a while. I would not reference the crying at all.

.hilary.'s picture
Joined: 01/31/10
Posts: 1505

"fireflies11" wrote:

3. With that said, I would be still be really careful how you frame the change with her, to avoid any connections of crying=get what I want. Maybe say "grandma wants you to stay with her for a few days, is that okay?" Keep it simple and positive and take the drama out of it.

I totally agree with this. If it were me, I would take her out but I would definitely want to make sure she doesn't associate her getting to leave with the fact that she's been crying.

_Jessicah_'s picture
Joined: 04/21/11
Posts: 1973

Thanks ladies. She has been going to this daycare since she was about 16 months old. I've sat her down and talked to her about it and all she says is "I just miss my Mommy and Daddy and I don't want to be at daycare I want to be home with you." I've asked her if the kids are mean (and most of the kids there she has been there with since she started) and she says no, I ask her about the workers and if they're mean and she said no. I really and truly just think it's the changes in our household. I know that has to be hard for a 4 year old to handle. I mean I'm almost 29 and I am freaked out about a new baby!

My mom talked with Brynna about it because Brynna had asked my mom if she could just stay with her instead of going to daycare. My mom told her that she would have to talk to me and her daddy about it but that mamaw would be happy to spend time with her while we were at work if that's what we wanted to do.

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

This is really your call. Like others have said, maybe there's been a change at the daycare with a teacher or another child and she's acting out because of it. Maybe she's just scared to tell you about it? I know this is super difficult on you and you want to do the right thing. If you're really torn on it, maybe you should take your mom up on her offer, but tell Brynna that you would like her to still go to school one day a week because that's what big girls do, and see what she says or how she reacts to that? That way you're not giving in completely (if you truely feel as though she's throwing these fits just to get her way... but you're her mom, so no one knows her better than you) but you're making her feel more comfortable...

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

Rogan started this thing too where he is saying he just wants to stay home with us, and I know he has a good time at daycare when he goes! It's nice that he wants to spend time with us, but at the same time I think the social atmosphere of daycare is important to his growth. Maybe like what Krystal said and not pull her completely, but have her go 1-2 x a week. I plan to put Rogan in part-time during my leave... Then I think/hope he has the best of both worlds and feels a little balance.

_Jessicah_'s picture
Joined: 04/21/11
Posts: 1973

With my work schedule she is only there a couple of days a week anyways. We had the idea that maybe my Mom can pick her up around noon or so that way she is getting to do both things. It's kind of a win/win situation. I know she likes the daycare and I am glad she gets to socialize with all the kids and they do alot of educational things so she is learning as well. But I think it'll be good for her mentality to get the extra TLC that she needs before her baby brother gets here.

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

Awesome. Sounds like you made your decision!!! Smile

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

Good plan!! You'll feel so much better knowing she's not crying at daycare! That stuff is tough on working mommies!

mlle_carrie's picture
Joined: 07/17/05
Posts: 1134

"_Jessicah_" wrote:

With my work schedule she is only there a couple of days a week anyways. We had the idea that maybe my Mom can pick her up around noon or so that way she is getting to do both things. It's kind of a win/win situation. I know she likes the daycare and I am glad she gets to socialize with all the kids and they do alot of educational things so she is learning as well. But I think it'll be good for her mentality to get the extra TLC that she needs before her baby brother gets here.

This sounds like a good plan. Ordinarily, I would suggest not rewarding a child's behavior by letting him/her come home or go with grandma every time they cry, but I think this is a different circumstance and I agree with the others that you shouldn't make it about the crying for her. Will the baby be going to the same daycare when you go back to work? Or are you planning to stay home? If they are both going to go back at the same time, that should make things easier for Brynna. She can be the "big sister" who shows her little brother the ropes.

_Jessicah_'s picture
Joined: 04/21/11
Posts: 1973

"mlle_carrie" wrote:

This sounds like a good plan. Ordinarily, I would suggest not rewarding a child's behavior by letting him/her come home or go with grandma every time they cry, but I think this is a different circumstance and I agree with the others that you shouldn't make it about the crying for her. Will the baby be going to the same daycare when you go back to work? Or are you planning to stay home? If they are both going to go back at the same time, that should make things easier for Brynna. She can be the "big sister" who shows her little brother the ropes.

I will be going back to work when Ryan is approximately 7 weeks old (so long as I am able to work right up until I deliver him) so my Mom is going to keep him for about 3 months so I am not exposing him to all the daycare germs. I was really fearful of strangers watching my infant. Brynna was older when I put her in daycare and she was very vocal about what went on there. It worries me to leave an infant there when you won't know what will happen to them. That might be irrational but that's just how I feel. Once Ryan is old enough he will be going to daycare and then they will be there together until August when Brynna starts Kindergarten.

I am just really struggling with my Mommy guilt because I hate to hear her cry and tell me that she just misses me and if she can't be with me she wants to be with her Mamaw because she "wants to be with her family" She is so good with words and says exactly what she knows will win me over. She knows what pulls at my heart. She told me last night when she asked if she had to go to daycare today and I told her yes, "I wish that no Mommies had to go to work and leave their little girls." Not what my crazy, hormonal self needs to hear right now.

mlle_carrie's picture
Joined: 07/17/05
Posts: 1134

Awww...I can't say that I completely understand because I am not a mommy yet, but I know that I am going to have a hard time leaving Evelyn at child care. The only thing saving me is the fact that my DH is the director and he will be in the building with her most of the time. But the part that really gets me is the thought of her forming a bond with another caregiver...ouch.

We recently had to start locking our dog in the bathroom while we are out because she was barking so much and disturbing the neighbors, and I have a heck of a time putting her in there and leaving her for the day...I can't even imagine how hard it will be with my own child...to hand her off to someone else. Trying not to think about that too much yet.

_Jessicah_'s picture
Joined: 04/21/11
Posts: 1973

I really struggled with leaving Brynna when I went back to nursing school. It's still a struggle because I feel like others are raising my children. It used to hurt my feelings when Brynna would talk about her teacher at daycare. I felt replaced. In a perfect world I would get to be a SAHM.

lesleynka's picture
Joined: 04/26/11
Posts: 1845

"_Jessicah_" wrote:

I really struggled with leaving Brynna when I went back to nursing school. It's still a struggle because I feel like others are raising my children. It used to hurt my feelings when Brynna would talk about her teacher at daycare. I felt replaced. In a perfect world I would get to be a SAHM.

I am w/ you here Jessicah. I feel like I hardly see my girls. They are w/ grandma or at school, etc all day while I work & then on the w/end they see daddy. This leaves me w/ very little time w/ them. I feel like I am the enforcer, the one that is stern w/ them & teaches them values, etc while everyone else gets to be the "fun ones." It irks me beyond all irking.

I am happy though that while they are not w/ me they are still w/ family. I am extremely jealous of all the free time others get w/ them though.