So, I really don;t want to bring down my coworkers (who think I am overreacting and it is all hormonal) and family (we are all dealing with alot right now). I really need to "talk", but no I feel like I can't, and I don;t want to break down in front of DD3. I know you guys will understand....and hopefully have some advice....
So in addition to the baby "maybe" being small (which, I am surprisingly not overly worried about at this point). My dad has been really ill. He has a very rare form of cancer (only 400 known cases worldwide). It has been up and down with him, but there are really no more options available for him. He just started taking an experimental drug to help prolong his life, but there is no more hope of cure: the transplants did not work,.
He was admitted to ICU on Monday. He had almost no blood pressure, pnemonia (which is usually what kills a cancer patient), blood clots in his legs, and his heat keeps racing at dangerous levels- this is the main worry right now. He has been transferred intho the Heart Pavilion ICU (we are blessed to live near one of the supposed top "20" heart hospitals in the country). They are trying to figure out why his heart is doing this.
Basically, the prevailing thory is that there is so much going on in his body, that it doensn't know what to do and if "freaking ount". The "old" medicine is still in him, along with "new" medicine (the experimental one that may be causeing the heart issues, we don;t know), the radiation, and now pnemonia. They removed half a lung full of fluid from his lung.
The doctor called me Monday morning, estatic because he survived the night. (He was not expected to). They are still housing the crash cart in his room, just in case.
Daddy has called his sister, which is a big deal (he did not want people to know he was sick). He says this is the end. With that attitde it probably is, but who can blame him? He is still very faint and not "with it" alot of the time due to his very low blood pressure.
So here I am pregnant, and afraid my Daddy will never meet his newest Grandaughter. DH is taking off this afternoon to watch DD so I can go see Daddy (kids are not allowed in ICU), if it's not too late. I still have to call to make sure they will let a pregnant lady in. I don't know what to say to him. What am I going to tell my DD? She is only three and I don't know what to tell her. (She thinks my Dad hung the moon). I just want to go home and cry, but I come to work to at least keep me busy.
And everyone thinks it's "just my hormones".......
thanks for 'listening', if you made it this far!
Oh, hon. I am so so so sorry you are going through this! The hormones are not helping, but believe me this would be an awful time anyway. Forget the rest of them, spend time with your dad. Take your time with your daughter. Talk to her when you feel ready. It will not be easy. I wish there were something I could say or do for you. I am here for you....vent away! Anytime!!!!! Try to get some rest and take care of yourself.
I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with this at all. Cancer Sucks! As far as your coworkers go - forget about them totally. I wouldn't give it two seconds of concern - they aren't in your shows and can't possibly understand.
I can't say I have been where you are right now but I can't imagine losing your dad could be "easy" and ESPECIALLY while pregnant and then explaining it to your child. I just fathom it. You have a lot weighing on you right now and all you need to be thinking about or concerned with is you, your dad and your family - no one else.
T&P for you and your family during this difficult time. I hope for the best and that your dad does somehow get to meet you LO.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's illness and deterioration. On top of that, you're dealing with sadness over his potentially-soon departure, loss at his not meeting the baby, and frustration with people who don't understand. That's a lot! You'll do what you need to do and what's best for you. But I'll throw out some unsolicited advice that you can take with a grain of salt or stomp on or whatever needs to happen ... There will be time later for grief over a loss and sadness that he didn't get to spend more time with your kids. For now, it sounds like he's receiving palliative care to keep him comfortable until his time comes. If you're able, I would suggest keeping your attention on him and adding to his care by just spending time with him if you're able to. You'll have time to process, grieve, and figure out what to tell your daughter -- there's no rush to figure that all out right now. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Keep doing what you need to: cry, work to keep busy, talk about it, whatever you need that moment.
Wow. This makes my "uncooperative 2 year old" problems seem really small.
My prayers are with you. You have every right to be emotional right now.
~~~ TESS ~~~
*** new baby due mid December 2011 ***
*** Corinna born 6/27/09 ***
*** Married since 7/24/99 ***
I've been there. My mom passed away of breast cancer the day after I found out I was pregnant - 3 months ago today. Like you, it wasn't a surprise to me, but it's been really painful to know she will never meet my baby - and my baby will never know her.
I don't really have any advice for you - just know that I'm thinking of you, and I understand. (((hugs)))
I don't understand how people are calling this "hormones". I am crying my eyes out just reading this as my heart is just breaking for you. I cannot even imagine the pain that you must be going through. And I tell you now there is nobody in this world big enough to keep me out of ICU if my father was in there dying. Pregnant or not you should be allowed to go and visit with him. I don't think you really have to say anything. Just go and be with him. Hold his hand, talk about the things that make him happy, just be as normal as possible. I think that's what I would really want if I was your Dad. I would want my time to be spent focusing on the good things instead of how to say goodbye. I hope that somehow your Dad is able to pull through this ICU stay and has time to meet his newest grand-daughter. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I want to come punch anyone who says you're just having hormones. Anyone facing the loss of a parent or someone who has lost a parent will tell you that what you are feeling is normal. I lost my dad when I was 18 and it was heart breaking. My mom passed when I was 27 and that was equally heart breaking and neither time I was pregnant or hormonal. I have cried a lot before and during this pregnancy over the loss of having my parents meet this child.
My only advice is tell you Dad everything you need to for you. I was able to do that with my Mom and it was very helpful. I'm sending you hugs, and prayers... I'm sorry this is all on your plate and that there are a few people in your life who don't seem to the empathy of a fly to understand it. Whatever you are feeling is totally justified and correct. Don't forget that.
Just your hormones?????!!!! I could wring their neck for saying that! I would be a wreck over this whether I was pregnant or not!
I'm so sorry your dad and your family is going through this. It breaks my heart to read your story and I am literally teary eyed right now. If my DD thought my dad hung the moon I would probably just tell her he left to live there and we won't see him for a long time... until she is able to understand death. I'm sure there is a lot of more legitimate advice out there from docs and such on how to handle/explain death to children. Maybe look into reading some books about it?
I'm so very sad for you and send you lots of love.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this and you feel as though there's no one for you to talk to. I know how that is, as far as not having anyone to talk to... which is another reason I love this site... you ladies have been so helpful with so much! I'm sorry I can't offer you too much advice, as I've never gone through anything like you're going through. We're here though, whenever you need to talk about anything, even non-baby related! I sure hope your dad is around to see your new little one... T&P going out to you and your family.
Krystal & Donovan - 12/2/06
Reagan - 10/2/02
Maximus - 3/10/05
Liberty - 12/11/08
My angel in Heaven 1/7/13