Emotional support?

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Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672
Emotional support?

I don't want to be unfair and DH is great at doing actual baby stuff. He feeds him the bottle, holds him and changes the diapers with out complaint (mostly). Yet I am having a really hard time with him and feel unsupported and alone. He never hugs me or tells me I'm doing a great Job or anything even though I told Him I need this support right now. Ryan is still having a hard time nursing and isn't gaining weigh so I have to nurse, then pump and bottle feed. I am not making enough milk yet to have a stash packed away and am worried abOut my supply.

This is stressful enough, but DH s parents decided to come (we had said no visitors) from out of town and while they are not staying here I totally dread them sitting around our house all day long while I try to nurse and pump (which is all day long) and then loudly talk and chat while I try to get some precious sleep. Last night they arrived at 10 and insisted on seeing him right away even though we had both just gOne down for a much needed nap. They came in and were so loud that I couldn't sleep and then DH had the nerve to come in the bedroom to wake us to show the baby. I just about lost it. He said i was being unreasonable and mean. They them stayed till midnight and were so loud.

I am dreading the next week when they are here because I don't want to socialize just sit threre, pump and nurse and not worry about my boobs hanging out. With them I can't do that i am not comfortable. I will have to sit in our bedroom all day long while they are loud in the living room and likely demand to see baby the whole Time. DH thinks I am overreacting. I told him I needed his support and that he had to send them home at 10 every night so I could sleep But he says that's mean.

I am so fed up with this. We wanted peace and quiet when baby arrived and now both parents arE here (mine are quiet and helpful) and we have a full house and other people's demands to cater to. It's causing problems between DH and I and I am beyond stressed and upset. Sorry I jut had to vent.

mlle_carrie's picture
Joined: 07/17/05
Posts: 1134

Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough adjusting to a new baby, let alone a baby with special feeding needs, and then having to entertain a bunch of guests. I'm sorry this is putting so much stress on you and your relationship with DH. I wish I had some advice to give. I'm sure your DH feels somewhat conflicted about trying to support you and wanting to accommodate his family. I think it makes it especially hard that we gave birth so close to the holidays. It gives everyone an excuse to visit and hang around. My DH's family is coming to visit next week for several days and I am still trying to figure out how I am going to do the breastfeeding thing. It's so convenient to be able to just pull the boob out whenever Evelyn is hungry. I'll have to confine myself to the bedroom probably. Well, I hope things get better and that the leave soon! In the meantime, I'm sorry you're not getting the emotional support you need. Is your mom at least helpful? I know my mom has been a huge support for me.

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Elle - unfortunately I think a lot of the stuff you and DH are going through is normal. At least it was for us. Not that waking you or the baby up is ever ok.

For you and Carrie - as far as BFing in front of them, I think you may be more comfortable in time. At first its a challenge to get covered up properly and stay discrete but eventually it gets easier. My SIL would always BF her kids in the other room for like an hour at a time and we never got to see or hold the babies. On the other end of the spectrum I whipped my bbs out and fed and then tossed a blanket on my shoulder after we were situated. Dh was always so embarrassed. I figured it was my house and my baby needed to eat - if they didn't want to see my bbs they needed to look away for a second.

PAmom2boys's picture
Joined: 04/29/09
Posts: 1494

Haha jenn my DH is sort of embarrassed when I feed baby in front of anyone but our family. I don't care much baby needs to eat. I always have a blanket to cover so noone is uncomfortable.

My SIL would spend a lot of time in the bedroom pumping and feeding her youngest one we never saw her when she would visit us or when we went there.

I know how you are feeling and I see what your DH is saying too. Is there any room to meet somewhere in the middle? Maybe your parents could drop hints about what is upsetting you.

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

((hugs)) to you!
First, I can totally relate to not feeling supported by DH! When we first brought Jonah home, my usually very supportive and sweet husband turned into a total poop! He was irritable and whiny! We have made it through that and looking back, I think all the changes of a new baby are so stressful on everyone. I had to sit DH down and have a "come to Jesus" talk about it! He eventually manned up once I told him that with all my hormones and feeding issues (we are still having issues) I needed him to suck it up or I would lose it and take him down with me!

Also, I don't blame you about the inlaws either! Why are some people so clueless when it comes to new babies and mommies??!!

The best advice I can give is to sit DH down (bring out the tears if you have to) and tell him that right now you need him to grow some balls be loyal to you as his family, not them. Tell him exactly what you need: him to set visitor limits, asking them to keep the noise down and to sit with you while you are trying to feed for support.

I feel like with all the change of a second baby, feeding issues, I have to constantly tell DH what I need since this is new ground for us.

JuneorJulyBaby?'s picture
Joined: 10/20/08
Posts: 2479

"Jenn0113" wrote:

Not that waking you or the baby up is ever ok.

...On the other end of the spectrum I whipped my bbs out and fed and then tossed a blanket on my shoulder after we were situated. Dh was always so embarrassed. I figured it was my house and my baby needed to eat - if they didn't want to see my bbs they needed to look away for a second.

"fireflies11" wrote:

The best advice I can give is to sit DH down (bring out the tears if you have to) and tell him that right now you need him to grow some balls be loyal to you as his family, not them. Tell him exactly what you need: him to set visitor limits, asking them to keep the noise down and to sit with you while you are trying to feed for support.

I agree with all of these statements. I have a nursing cover and it has been great and will be good when my bro is here for xmas.. Also, when we had Nicholas DH had to stand up to his parents and it as rough. They got over it though and it all works out in the end.

Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672

"fireflies11" wrote:

((hugs)) to you!
First, I can totally relate to not feeling supported by DH! When we first brought Jonah home, my usually very supportive and sweet husband turned into a total poop! He was irritable and whiny! We have made it through that and looking back, I think all the changes of a new baby are so stressful on everyone. I had to sit DH down and have a "come to Jesus" talk about it! He eventually manned up once I told him that with all my hormones and feeding issues (we are still having issues) I needed him to suck it up or I would lose it and take him down with me!

Also, I don't blame you about the inlaws either! Why are some people so clueless when it comes to new babies and mommies??!!

The best advice I can give is to sit DH down (bring out the tears if you have to) and tell him that right now you need him to grow some balls be loyal to you as his family, not them. Tell him exactly what you need: him to set visitor limits, asking them to keep the noise down and to sit with you while you are trying to feed for support.

I feel like with all the change of a second baby, feeding issues, I have to constantly tell DH what I need since this is new ground for us.

Thank you so much ladies for replying! Amy your post is exactly how I feel!! DH actually asked me in this whiny tone to make him coffee yesterday morning because he was tired - really? I thought he would be this loving superdad I guess who would cater to baby and me and instead he is a whiny sleep deprived (not nearly as much as me) sack of potatoes that wants to be taken care of. He also kept complaining I wasn't making enough milk and wasn't pumping enough which almost drove me over the edge (my concern to start I had a sit down with him this morning after Ryan was up fussing all night and we discussed how things were gonna go. I told him the order of priorities in my opinion: 1. baby, 2. me (so I can take care of baby), 3. him, ...... 1000. everyone else and their wishes. He finally got it a little better and agreed to have my back. I still don't feel like he's totally on board but he did contain his parents today and told them to be very quiet when they were here. So there is progress. Oh yeah and I told him to NEVER wake me or baby up again or risk getting castrated on the spot - LOL.

In all fairness I don't like DH's mom on the best of days and the fact that they are pushing their way like that just royally pissed me off. The first time I talked to her after Ryan was born she said congratulations and then reminded me that I needed to make sure DH got enough rest so he wouldn't run himself ragged!! The nerve !!!:violent2:

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

"science_gal" wrote:

The first time I talked to her after Ryan was born she said congratulations and then reminded me that I needed to make sure DH got enough rest so he wouldn't run himself ragged!! The nerve !!!:violent2:

OMG, do we have the same MIL??? A few years back, DH got a bad virus and he was hospitalized. In her not-so-subtle way, MIL blamed me for it because I was a SAHM at the time! And then nagged me about his rest (uh, he's a grown man who can make his own decisions!). Thankfully, the longer DH & I are married (11-years), he realizes his mom babied him a lot and he has learned to see us as his family first. But in stressful times like this I can see those old habits come up again :roll:

I have two boys now, and I've learned from MIL how NOT to raise them lol Smile

Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672

"fireflies11" wrote:

I have two boys now, and I've learned from MIL how NOT to raise them lol Smile

This!! I said that before Ryan was born. She is the prime example of how not to raise a child. I credit the fact that DH came ot lovely (mostly) on nature NOT nurture .

.hilary.'s picture
Joined: 01/31/10
Posts: 1505

I'm glad your DH has come around a bit. That all sounds so stressful Sad I hope it keeps getting better for you. Nobody should have to deal with stress like that when they have a newborn!

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

Ugh, I hear you on IL issues. My MIL is here and my DH is catering to her, even when he should be resting (he got his vasectomy already) or helping me. And when she has the baby, she just holds her and forces a pacifier on her instead of changing her diaper or telling me to feed her. She just wants to hold her and not really address her needs and that PISSES me off. I can't wait until she leaves. I know that is horrible to say, but it is true. I have other issues too, but I don't want to hijack your post. I hope you get the support you need. I also have a hard time addressing these things with DH as he gets all defensive. Argh.

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

"sugspop" wrote:

Ugh, I hear you on IL issues. My MIL is here and my DH is catering to her, even when he should be resting (he got his vasectomy already) or helping me. And when she has the baby, she just holds her and forces a pacifier on her instead of changing her diaper or telling me to feed her. She just wants to hold her and not really address her needs and that PISSES me off. I can't wait until she leaves. I know that is horrible to say, but it is true. I have other issues too, but I don't want to hijack your post. I hope you get the support you need. I also have a hard time addressing these things with DH as he gets all defensive. Argh.

Oh man, the paci thing would make me so mad!! Because small babies will just take it instead of eating! Not to make your whole post about MILs but mine also thinks she knows better than me about my babies. She never breastfed her boys and she is totally repulsed when I feed in front of her. With DS1 I was more discrete around her, now I just whip out the boob w/o notice because it's funny to watch her squirm and find reasons to leave the room Smile

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

edited out of fear of being found out Blum 3

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

Sounds like we could use a thread just to vent about our lovely MIL's! lol

Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672

No worries about hijacking the tread Smile I am happy to vent about the inlwas. DH got a little better now. I've been making him get up for every feed because I have to pump too and otherwise it's way too much time and I get no sleep. That made him realize just how much rest he was getting before... Ha! And now he's better telling his parents what needs to happen, and he's less whiny. Maybe I'll let him keep his balls ;-).

Jules your mil sounds obnoxious!! The paci thing would piss me off so much. Just like Amy said I read that if babies sucking needs are met by bottle and paci he may be less eager to nurse, which is an issue for those with sleepy preemies or 36/37 weekers.

Amy good for you for nursing in front of her. If she doesn't like it she can leave :-). Jenn your mil sounds just like mine. Always concerned that her 32-year old baby is so hard done by. She even sometimes uses baby talk with him!! Nothing less sexy than hearing how your dh could go potty like a big boy before everyone else. God I will try everything in my power not to ever be like that with my son!

I'm_a_pepper's picture
Joined: 10/25/05
Posts: 606

Elle, hugs to you!! Ugh...I can't believe the way your ILs were acting!! I am the same way about not wanting whip out the boob in front of anyone except DH. I am way too modest I guess. And I hear ya on the making small talk, etc. How stressful for you, I'm so sorry!! I can identify with a lot of your post. Like Carrie said, it's even more difficult because we had our babies so close to the holidays, thus everyone has an excuse to come visit! Hang in there, they WILL leave eventually!!

Jenn0113's picture
Joined: 03/09/07
Posts: 5335

Kim - you are right and I have thought about that a lot lately. With us all having babies this close to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years more people have time off and are more willing to come visit. I'll be having my LO the day that most of my family goes back to work after Christmas and so some of them have said they will wait until NYE to come over. It will be nice to have a light crowd for those few days at the hospital.

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

OMG your DH is being a complete @ss. I would lose it if my DH did what yours is doing. He needs to understand that this is a very stressful time for any brand new mom and that the first few weeks are very hard and you need the most comfortable environment possible. If he has a problem with that, then I would tell him to get out. I know that's harsh, but it sounds like he couldn't care less about your feelings, and that's a big problem. I know this isn't what you want to think about, but is there any place that you could go? Your parents house? I know the last thing you want to do is pack up you and baby and go elsewhere, but you have to do what's best for you and your baby... making sure you get plenty of rest to care for him and be able to get him enough BM. I can't believe that he's telling you that you're being mean and unreasonable. Is he married to you or to them? Why is he so quick to trump your feelings for theirs? I'm pretty sure you're the one who just gave birth... not them! Good luck...

Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672

A quick update. Krystal, I couldn't agree more. Those were my feelings exactly. DH and his mom have a very weird relationship. She almost died of cancer twice and as a result (I think) is extremely needy. She constantly plays the cancer card and asks DH for help with the most simple tasks just to create this situation where DH takes care of her. I know not an excuse for DH to act the way he did.

We had a sit down the next day when we both hot some sleep. I made it extremely clear to him that I will not tolerate this any longer. Baby comes first and that means I need to be happy and content. Over the next week he did get better at setting limits with his parents even though of course not as much as I would but it's a start. I also explained to him that as a result of this bullying to get the way I will make a special point of controlling their access to baby down the road. No surprise visit son their terms or any of that. He was much more understanding when I explained myself to him somewhat calmly.

Apart from that I am happy to report that DH has really stepped up to the plate!! He has turned into mr mom and eagerly does feedings, diaper changes, and cuddles to give me a break. He loves hanging with baby boy and I am so imPressed! No lore whininess. Maybe it just took him a few days to get used to the craziness.

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

so happy things are better and DH understands what he needs to do for you both!

.hilary.'s picture
Joined: 01/31/10
Posts: 1505

Yay! I am so glad things got better for you. That really sounded like a terrible situation so I am so happy it is going well now.

I also have to add, I am so thankful that my in-laws have been great. Ironically my side of the family hasn't been as good. On Christmas my in-laws were totally comfortable with me BF-ing in the main room with everyone (I covered up though because I am still shy and there were teenage boys lol) and so I fed her through the gift opening fun, whereas at my family's place I was told within minutes of arriving that I could go into the spare room to feed her if I had to. of course I woujld have to! So I felt "banished" to a lonely room twice while everyone else was out celebrating Sad love my DH though, he came and kept me company.

fireflies11's picture
Joined: 03/26/11
Posts: 613

".hilary." wrote:

I was told within minutes of arriving that I could go into the spare room to feed her if I had to. of course I woujld have to! So I felt "banished" to a lonely room twice while everyone else was out celebrating Sad love my DH though, he came and kept me company.

No way...that stinks! I think since our parent's generation, breastfeeding was seen as a "hippie" thing to do or not as good as formula and they struggle with it. With DS1 I was much more "private" about it. But this time around, I could care less! Now my DS1 sits next to me with his stuffed Clifford dog and nurses with me Biggrin I know I'm influencing another generation that breastfeeding is nothing to hide.

Joined: 10/05/09
Posts: 672

".hilary." wrote:

whereas at my family's place I was told within minutes of arriving that I could go into the spare room to feed her if I had to. of course I woujld have to! So I felt "banished" to a lonely room twice while everyone else was out celebrating Sad love my DH though, he came and kept me company.

Wow that sucks! I can so relate to feeling banished to a lonely room. Even though I didn't have to go to our bedroom to nurse since it's our house I still wasn't comfortable around the in-laws to do it and with Ryan's feeding issues I did not feel like using the cover (need both hands and good line of sight to latch him on properly over and over again). It feels isolating to have to sit in a back room for long periods of time (nursing takes me an hour sometimes) and it's awesome that your DH came for company. That is so nice!!!

I honestly don't see how anyone could have an issue with nursing especially if you cover up and there's nothing to see... But I know lots of people who do. Weird.