This is harder than I thought (previous m/c mentioned) LONG

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claireCJ's picture
Joined: 04/04/12
Posts: 742
This is harder than I thought (previous m/c mentioned) LONG

I am not really sure where I should post this. I know there is a "Pregnant after Loss" Board but it's clearly not very active. I know some of you can relate to getting pregnant after a loss so I wanted to get some support/advice. I want to start by saying that I am forever grateful that I am pregnant again. I feel very blessed to have been able to concieve fairly quickly after my loss last December. I just didn't expect to feel so disconnected from this baby. I figured at first it was because I was really early and that in time I would grow to love it and connect with it like in my previous pregnancies. I literally feel very little connection to my baby. I mean, I definitely feel pregnant with the m/s and all, but it's hard for me to think of the future and feel excited when it comes to this baby.

The last time I went to the OB was one week after I had to deliver our stillborn baby. I went back for her to check my uterus and make sure it was returning to normal. But the time before that is the time that I hate to think about. It was when I was 20 weeks & had an u/s and that is when I found out that we lost the baby and I would have to deliver. I was very sad & quite frankly traumatized and also upset because I had called the Dr's office a week earlier and talked to the Dr on call(who I had never met) and I told her I had stopped feeling all movement. She told me everything was fine and since I wasn't even 20 weeks yet that I may not even have really been feeling movement to begin with. I told my normal OB what she said when we were at the hospital. My OB was clearly upset and she rearragnged her whole day/night to be at the hospital with me when I delivered. I love her for that. She made me feel safe and cared for during a terrible time.

I guess that whole experience and the memory hurts more than I like to admit to myself. I have been putting off going back to the OB with this pregnancy. I know that sounds crazy. Especially after losing my last baby. I did finally make an appointment for May 31, but I will be 12 weeks(I think) by then.... That's pretty far along for a first appointment when you have known you were pregnant since you were 4 weeks. My OB will do an u/s at the 1st appointment to confirm my due date. I am so scared. I really am. I am afraid something will be wrong again. I don't want to feel this way the entire pregnancy. I want to enjoy this time and be excited about ultrasounds and appointments. Has anyone had similar feelings to this? Did they go away? Did you do anything to help yourself get thru the fear? Sorry about the length of this post!

kristycoulter1's picture
Joined: 05/20/08
Posts: 625

:bigarmhug: I'm so sorry. I don't really know what you're going through since my mc was so early on. I think we all have fear (for me it's been losing my morning sickness) that we try to work through... but I can't imagine how much more intensified it must be for you.

Maybe passing the 20 week mark will be a milestone that will help you start to accept that the baby will be born healthy. And if it takes until you are holding your baby for you to really start to bond I honestly think that's ok too. The baby won't know the difference and the mommy instincts will kick in. And I know this might not be the best way to look at it, because I guess it's possible, but I'd be thinking "what are the chances that something like that could happen again?" They're probably pretty small.

Anyway - I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

:bighug:

Like Kristy, I don't have experience with a loss that far along and I can't imagine how difficult that is to go through. I can see why it'd be hard to feel connected and why you'd be nervous about going in for a new appointment with this pregnancy. I hope that your first appointment goes well and it at least puts you at ease a little bit. I'm sure there will come a time, whether it's getting past when you had your loss previously or some other point, that you'll feel more confident about things.

FX that your first appointment and u/s will go great! We're always here to listen and help however we can.

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

oh Claire, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. And I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I couldn't help but tear up because I happen to have had a very similar experience to yours. One morning when I was 17.5 weeks pregnant, I woke up and it felt like my belly was smaller. I tried to ignore it but the next day, I started to feel dizzy and I had the teeniest bit of pink CM so I called the doc's office. My OB was out of town and the secretary wanted me to just wait until she got back the following week to be checked, but I really wanted to make sure everything was ok so she set me up to see someone else that day. They did an ultrasound first thing and there was my LO, curled up on the screen with no HB. I sat there in utter shock while the doc called my doc who immediately asked to speak to me on the phone. My doc told me that she would come back into town that night to help me deliver. I was so grateful that she did that because I was beyond heartbroken and found some comfort having my regular doc there. After the delivery, they figured out that the baby had become entangled in the umbilical cord. They said it doesn't cause death very often, but that it happens occasionally. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how devastating the experience was. I felt so broken.

We decided to TTC again after 3 months. I got pregnant right away and DH and I were both very reserved about the BFP. I think DH's response was a very solemn, "oh." I think it was maybe just too soon, I don't know. Anyway, I had a very hard time being convinced that the baby would make it and I was SO sure that I had caused the last baby's death because I'm such an active person. So with the new pregnancy, I made sure to never jump, I never ran, and I taught water aerobics from the pool deck rather than in the pool. I was so afraid that I'd move too much and cause another entanglement. Every time people would ask me my due date or about the baby, it would flash through my mind that it was a possibility that the baby wouldn't make it. I tried to be positive outwardly about having a successful pregnancy but I was sooo unsure about it inwardly. However, the more appointments I had and the further along I got, the more secure I became. I started to feel more connected to the baby and I think DH did as well. It just took us some time. It was like the connection developed incrementally with each new phase of the pregnancy.

Even now with another pregnancy, I'm still worried. I'm constantly looking at the CM and wondering if something is wrong. I also feel less connected to this pregnancy than I had with my pregnancies before the loss. I wish I could reassure you and say that you will feel 100% better and connected and certain of your pregnancy soon, but I think it might take a while. And if you're like me, you may never get to 100% until that happy, healthy baby is in your arms. But I do think your feelings will improve during the pregnancy. Hang in there lady! I'm sending my biggest hugs your way!!! Feel free to PM me any time. I'm here for you!

claireCJ's picture
Joined: 04/04/12
Posts: 742

Thanks ladies. I agree with the odds being in my favor this time. I have been telling myself that and it does ease the worry. Luckily we were able to find out the cause of death and it wasn't genetic. The cord was long and got tangled all around the baby. I keep telling myself that that is a very rare accident and the baby was healthy otherwise so there is very little reason to worry that this baby won't be healthy too. Thank you for listening. It is funny to write it out and then read it. I don't think I have said any of that out loud to anyone. I appreaciate your support. I probably need to share my feelings with DH, but I don't think I even realized how scared I was until recently.

Jamie! I must have posted right around the same time as you. Thank you for sharing that with me! I am glad to know that you and your DH did feel connected eventually. I am so sorry you had to go thru that too. So strange it was a cord accident too! Sad I am just appreciative to know that you eventually felt like you could let your guard down and feel normal again. Thank you!

sunny_gal's picture
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 494

Oh wow, that is strange that they were both cord accidents. How sad. Sad Yes, I think you just have to keep on keepin' on and things will improve with time. With such a traumatic experience, I'd think it would be more unusual to feel super connected and joyful right away, ya know? Hang in there!!

kadibug's picture
Joined: 07/17/11
Posts: 247

Please - let me join in! My last loss was a trisomy 18. It was at 12 weeks, so not quite at far as you both. I feel completely awkward on most forums. People post "what names do you like" "what color for your nursery" or "how will you tell people"... and I feel like I don't belong. I spend everyday of the pg wearing panty liners b/c I fear I will start to bleed. If I don't get any morning sickness, I think it's heart has stopped. FEAR. Constant.

I am sorry for you both. Why us? Getting pregnant again is suppose to be exciting and we should be optimistic but the pain is still to real. I met with my obgyn for the first time today after only seeing the RE. (read signature - I am pg from IVF) I started to cry. Not sure if it's because I was sad discussing my trisomy 18 angel, but I was just scared to be sitting there - pregnant! It's horrible.

Please, let's keep in touch. I could use a friendly face that relates.

My next appt will be an u/s. It's scheduled to be done at the hospital with really high tech equipment. I am hoping to see no spinal fluid!

merickson's picture
Joined: 06/21/11
Posts: 180

*lurker*

I can't relate to the loss part. (which I am very sorry about!)

But I can say as far as feeling connected to the baby I dealt with that pretty heavily with my recent pregnancy. My baby girl was born in January and up until the day she was born, I didn't even want to talk about her. I wasn't excited and I really was almost ignoring the fact that I was having a baby. I even talked to my doctor about it because I was almost positive I was going to have some PPD issues after she was born. Luckily the minute she was born I felt more connected than ever. I hope you begin to get those great mommy feelings soon!

Ghostorchid81's picture
Joined: 04/30/12
Posts: 82

I can't relate to the exact situation, but I can relate to not being connected to your baby after a loss. It is completely normal. Hopefully time will help you recover and feel more connected to your baby. It is very hard to be connected to something after you have had a very difficult loss. I lost my first son when he was 23 months old from illness. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter 2 years later I was so scared and it took a really long time to be connected to the baby just out of fear that I would lose her and I didn't want to deal with that all over again. Expressing your feelings can help, I know they did for me. There are a number of ladies on her including myself that would be happy to offer more support for you if needed. I hope you can have some sense of comfort. Take care of yourself!! :bigarmhug:

Joined: 07/07/08
Posts: 325

:bigarmhug:

I am so sorry to hear about each of your losses. I think that it is completely normal to not be able to feel connected. Please don't make yourself feel any guilt over that. Even if you do not feel that connection until the baby is born, that is ok and completely normal.

claireCJ's picture
Joined: 04/04/12
Posts: 742

Thank you all so much for your responses. I already feel better just having written it down and reading all of your posts too. I am sorry for everyone else who experienced a loss as well. I am hopeful that I will feel better after my 1st appointment and u/s. Thanks for the kind words and support!
Kadibug- I am so sorry for your losses too. I hope that slowly your fear will also subside. It makes me sad to think that you were crying in the Dr's office, but it's probably a good thing to let that stuff out in there. They actually probably understand some of your feelings and can hopefully be supportive? I am hoping that my OB will be very supportive this time. I'm sure she will ask why I didn't come see her sooner once I knew I was pregnant and I have no real reason except fear. I didn't want to see the baby on the u/s only to lose it again. We can definitely give each other support thru our pregnancies!
GhostChild-I am so sorry about the loss of your frist son. I can not imagine the pain you went thru. Big hugs to you!! Thank you for your support.

jperry5683's picture
Joined: 02/13/10
Posts: 525

(((hugs)))

I don't have any words that others haven't already said. You are not alone. due to my loss..although nowhere as far along as you were... I'm still waiting to feel connection. Every time my husband and I talk about the future when it comes to the pregnancy we follow it with " let's not get too excited". WE will get there...

kadibug's picture
Joined: 07/17/11
Posts: 247

jperry5683 - "We will get there." Amen, sister!

Joined: 10/10/06
Posts: 66

Claire..... First off, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult that was. My sister had a stillborn at 24 weeks 4 years ago and it was one of the hardest things my family went through. My sister was a mess during her next pregnancy ( she now has a healthy 3 year old) and was at the doctor once, sometimes 3 times a week to get a scan to make sure everything was okay. You have every right to be scared to death. I also had a miscarriage at 11 weeks a few years ago, and nearing that mark I find myself constantly thinking that it isnt real and something is going to be wrong with this pregnancy. Your Ob sounds amazing, and it sounds like she will be super understanding if you want to come in to make sure everything is okay. I'll be praying that you have a super healthy pregnancy and it's smooth sailing for you! I think you'll feel much more connected to this pregnancy once you see your little bean! Good luck at your appointment next week and keep us posted!