I am not really sure where I should post this. I know there is a "Pregnant after Loss" Board but it's clearly not very active. I know some of you can relate to getting pregnant after a loss so I wanted to get some support/advice. I want to start by saying that I am forever grateful that I am pregnant again. I feel very blessed to have been able to concieve fairly quickly after my loss last December. I just didn't expect to feel so disconnected from this baby. I figured at first it was because I was really early and that in time I would grow to love it and connect with it like in my previous pregnancies. I literally feel very little connection to my baby. I mean, I definitely feel pregnant with the m/s and all, but it's hard for me to think of the future and feel excited when it comes to this baby.
The last time I went to the OB was one week after I had to deliver our stillborn baby. I went back for her to check my uterus and make sure it was returning to normal. But the time before that is the time that I hate to think about. It was when I was 20 weeks & had an u/s and that is when I found out that we lost the baby and I would have to deliver. I was very sad & quite frankly traumatized and also upset because I had called the Dr's office a week earlier and talked to the Dr on call(who I had never met) and I told her I had stopped feeling all movement. She told me everything was fine and since I wasn't even 20 weeks yet that I may not even have really been feeling movement to begin with. I told my normal OB what she said when we were at the hospital. My OB was clearly upset and she rearragnged her whole day/night to be at the hospital with me when I delivered. I love her for that. She made me feel safe and cared for during a terrible time.
I guess that whole experience and the memory hurts more than I like to admit to myself. I have been putting off going back to the OB with this pregnancy. I know that sounds crazy. Especially after losing my last baby. I did finally make an appointment for May 31, but I will be 12 weeks(I think) by then.... That's pretty far along for a first appointment when you have known you were pregnant since you were 4 weeks. My OB will do an u/s at the 1st appointment to confirm my due date. I am so scared. I really am. I am afraid something will be wrong again. I don't want to feel this way the entire pregnancy. I want to enjoy this time and be excited about ultrasounds and appointments. Has anyone had similar feelings to this? Did they go away? Did you do anything to help yourself get thru the fear? Sorry about the length of this post!