How am i feeling - well, i'm all over the place this pregnancy in regards to my emotions---
I'm anxious to start feeling the baby - consistantly. I think i felt it over the weekend do like a summersalt, but haven't felt anything since then. I'm worried about delivery - i had a complicated one with DD and she spent time in nicu with blood sugar issues and breathing - so, obviously i'm worried about that, speically since i have GD again, but my blood pressure has been great, so that's a plus.
I'm totally anxious and nervous about germs and how Christmas will play out this year.....it's not so much my family - it's my in laws. I'm always the bad guy and with DD, i've just learned to not really care anymore - it's not that i'm keeping them from their grandkid...it's just if i have this baby the 20th - NO WAY am i going on the 24th to his families christmas....there's no way and i REFUSE to spend christmas eve alone with the baby...while he takes DD. Maybe we will go to his mom's and celebrate with his mom, her husband and his sister, but that's it....and that's if i feel up to it...maybe they will just need to come over to our place in the am. I feel like it's a constant struggle to keep everyone in his family happy and honestly, i'm tired of trying so hard.... His sister will be pissed if they have to come to our place christmas eve or we don't go there.... His mom will be all - what an inconvience..... His mother finally stopped giving me grief that we called her to come watch DD when i was going to the ER for bleeding...cuz we ruined her plans.... oh i'm sorry that we needed someone to watch DD so we didn't have to drag her to the ER with us....i was sooooo pissed- not even pissed, i was disapointed, but not totally surprised by her reaction. My parents were out of state like 3hrs away, so they were unavailable to come...otherwise, they would have, with no problems. It was really hard when i had DD and i really had to set some boundries and i bent over backwords for them and i was miserable, and for what, so there woudln't be any conflict.... so, i finally started to set those boundries, i had to. So now his sister does not talk to me, his mom only talks to me if i'm there, but they have made it clear that they would be happier if i just wasn't around to which i let them know that this is who i am as a mom and they don't have to like it or agree with it, but i'm not going anywhere. They can see MY DD anytime, but not to be pissed if we have plans or we are not around. His mom isn't too bad, but i swear she is missing a common sense gene....she lets DD play with DVDs, jump on the couch...she refuses to say NO to her......ugh.... anyways, that was way off track...clearly that's on my mind.
So, i guess i'm just nervous about having to have all these issues with his family again.....his sister is going to be Godmother (i'm at the point with her that i really don't want her to be...but whatever, it's still his sister) I don't really want to deal with it this time around and DH wasn't really supportive and i didn't feel like he had my back and he gets REALLY defensive so i have to be careful how i word things and it's just really hard to talk about it cuz he thinks it's all me and it's not - it's all of us. His mom is fine- it's just sometimes difficult and his sister i've made it clear to DH that i'm done trying so hard, speically when she's not trying at all. And now he's seeing that with his sister.....
Anyways, i'm excitied to find out if it's a boy or girl and looking forward to preparing for baby....we have to build the loft into a bedroom and switch DD into her big girl bed/room....so once that all gets done, i think this pregnancy will feel so much more real....
I'm really really happy my DS isn't going to be a lonely only like I was afraid he was going to be after trying for over 3 yrs w/ no luck. I'm also really happy about the possibility of a girl. I'm exicted to be doing all of the baby stuff again and to looked at as pregnant, and to NOT be getting asked all the time when we were going to have another with the following looks of pity when they find out we just haven't been able to yet. I'm oh, so, excited to be able to hold a baby of my own again soon. I'm also really excited bc I'm pregnant at the same time as my bff who is just a month ahead of me.
I'm nervous about a lot...haha...I'm nervous about Braxton's actual reaction to having a baby sibling. I so want for them to be close and to love each other, not to be fighters, and jealous of each other. I'm nervous about having to go back to work immediately after (within 2-3 wks) of baby being born..and via c-section at that. This is a pitfall of being semi self-employed....no real down time unless there is enough money to hire someone to replace you at your job for a while...and we don't have that kind of money. I'm nervous about how my students and the parents will react to having a brand new baby around while I'm teaching. I'm also nervous about all the winter ailments getting to baby bc it will be around other kiddos that are not of my own household. I'm nervous that my milk will actually come in with this baby when I actually don't want to breastfeed this time (can't really, again bc of work...with DS I wanted to breastfeed and my body just didn't function right apparently, and my milk never even came in no matter how much he tried to breastfeed and I tried to pump...only got a little colostrum at the beginning.) I'm nervous about what our budget is going to look like trying to add in diapers and formula. I really want to cloth diaper, but don't know that I'll be able to keep up with it with all the craziness of work, both kiddos, and trying to still heal up at the same time. I'm also nervous my csection is going to be more difficult with this one. It was like a walk in the park last time. Literally almost no pain afterwards, no trouble lifting things, etc. So....yeah...that was a lot.
I refuse to worry about baby's health. I do pray about it and leave it in the hands of my God, who is mighty and able.
I'm glad to have a Christmas baby, though I do hope it somehow comes BEFORE Christmas...if I could pick out a date it would be Dec. 19th.
So, most of the things I'm nervous/worried about are really just a wait and see game, and I'm soooooo sooooo excited to be having a baby!!! Most of our family was convinced we couldn't have any more at this point. I can't wait to see its precious little face and hold it close. I'm living my dream!!!
I don't really have any depth to go into. I'm just so thrilled to be pregnant and so thankful that it's been a fairly easy one so far. I don't have anything to compare to so I'm just chilled and loving each day.
I'm not really worried about whether I will cope with a new baby him/herself because I feel like I had a dry run with my nephew as he lived with me between the ages of 8-14 months and my sister was only too eager to let someone else to everything.
I'm a little nervous about coping with the new baby AND everything else at home because DH can't help with much due to his Chiari condition. We will figure out what works and how he can help out tho.
I'm a little concerned about my work situation but that is totally out of my hands. If I don't get my visa renewed then we will just have to move to a cheaper place and tighten our belts more. I'm used to living on a very tight budget (I did before I met DH) but he's used to a fairly comfy lifestyle...
Only sad part about this is that my family can't share it fully with me. They only get to see updates online
Other than that I'm just LOVING it every day! Looking forward to all the milestone but not wishing any time away. Still haven't felt any movement but I'm not at all worried - have heard the heartbeat at every appt and Squishy is always moving on the ultrasounds. I have a very "active" digestive system so it's difficult to distinguish the bubbles from baby movement.