Sorry if it was my advice that made you so defensive, I was just trying to answer your questions. Certainly I didn't call you or your daughter any of the names you are using, nor would I.
Last edited by Potter75; 01-23-2012 at 01:54 PM.
You are definitely NOT a crappy parent. There are a lot of gray areas in parenting and everybody has different opinions. I can tell you that it doesn't matter what you do, some babies/toddlers just don't sleep well. I went through it with DS and he was not a comfort-nurser at night. I tried everything like you described. Putting him on a schedule, letting him pick his schedule, co-sleeping, not co-sleeping. You know what, no matter what I did he just did not sleep well until he was about 4 years old. Now at 8 years old, he sleeps like a champ. DD1 was my best sleeper, but still gets up once almost every night at 4 1/2 years old. Morgan, my third, has been my worst sleeper so far. Being my third, I have some experience and still have not been able to successfully "get" her to sleep. It is very hard and I get lots of "advice" from family and friends on what I should be doing: stop nursing her, stop co-sleeping, put her in her own room, ect. At the end of the day, it is my decision what I do. You are doing a good job. Don't worry about negative comments. You have to do what it best for you and your family.
Keep us posted. It really helps to share this experience with someone. Makes me feel like I am not alone...lol.
It really sounds like you're making gradual steps towards your goal. If you feel like working in a 10pm feed is best for you two then do it. The Jay Gordon method isn't meant to be stuck to hard and fast.
I totally understand the HUGE feeling about cutting out all night nursing in one go. Since Teagan's been feeling better we're back on the night weaning train at Step 1. The first night was a little rough (~30 minutes of whining the first time) but now she's sleeping in her own bed until about 2 and then she comes into bed for a nurse and only wakes about 1-2 more times for quick nurses before getting up for the day at about 7. When I decide she's done nursing I pop her off and she rolls over and goes back to sleep with just a bit of patting and snuggling. That's a big improvement for us. I think I'm going to do a Step 1.5 before going straight to Step 2. Rather then just deciding one night that there will be no more night nursing, I'm going to cut down on the time she has access to nurse. If that seems to make matters worse then I'll just go straight to Step 2.
My ultimate goal is to get her to sleep in her own room for most of the night. That will give DH and I more alone time. Even if its just sleeping together alone time. We need it. I really wouldn't mind if she just came into bed with us around 5 am for morning nursies. I could keep that up for a long time. Maybe when baby #2 comes along things might change but first we have to MAKE baby number two and that is super hard with a toddler in your bed nursing all night. Not sure how you managed that one, Mara!
Thanks ladies. I always keep in mind my BFF who has two kids now (and is expecting her third)- her first slept through the night at something ridiculous like 6 weeks. Was never an issue after that. Her second woke every two hours until he was a year and then they did some gentle sleep training (cutting out night nursing). He sleeps well now too. But I remember her sitting there going, "I'm the SAME parent, we didn't do anything differently with him than with her.... he just is who he is!" It's hard when you're still on your first and you're feeling like is this my fault or not. Anyway... I know that I have done what has felt right for Beni and for me, and will continue to do so. But support always makes a difference.
So... last night.... things are continuing to get better. She was asleep by 7:45. She slept until midnight when I came in to go to bed. This time it was my fault she woke. But it was cute. She followed me into the bathroom, smiled at me. I was just done brushing my teeth, so I took her by the hand and said, "let's go to sleep." I got in bed, she crawled in bed, she laid down on DH's pillow, and was asleep. I know she stirred/woke a little throughout the night... oh yeah, once she sat whining and asking for milk- but she was pointing to her own bed. I kept saying, "No milk now, time to sleep." I finally picked her up, laid her down in her bed, and she rolled over and went to sleep. She woke at 6:30, and nursed until almost 7:30. This is definitely progress! The biggest thing I'm happy about is not having to fight her over not nursing. DH is still sleeping in the guest room (and I think really enjoying it- regardless of babies in bed, I think he prefers to sleep alone anyway, but does the marital bed thing because it's "what you do"/social/cultural convention) but his parents will be here in a few weeks to visit, and I'm feeling quite confident that we will all be able to return to one bedroom, and he'll still get sleep.
Oh, and Erin, baby #2 is definitely thanks to having a guest bedroom! While we were on vacation and stuff we did have sex with Beni in the room... but, at home, we usually just have sexy time fairly soon after she goes down (to avoid being interrupted by a wake up) and we do it in the guest room. At one point we even started calling it the sex room. I'm sure any and all of our guests would be happy to know that. His parents are obsessed with grandchildren (like it's kind of a competition between all their friends as to who has the most)... maybe they would appreciate knowing they'll be sleeping in the bed where Kong was conceived? Ha ha! I will also say though, Kong was very well planned, not at all spontaneously conceived... so there was a week, where it was like, ok, baby down, dishes done, let's go have sex! Got the job done though! With our living situation overseas (and me wanting to birth at home), and DH being a teacher it made a whole lot of sense to make it happen, instead of just let it happen though... so, romance out the window...this baby was planned, planned, planned!
Mara & Joel, 2009
"Sex room." I'm really glad to hear things are going better for you and your sanity!
Hehe. Sex room. Our guest room is Teagan's room and she's not happy if we ditch her after she wakes up. So, our only chance is before first wakeup. The lack of spontaneity is not helpful. Our next one will be planned planned planned as well. We can't TTC until after my PhD candidacy exams (can't risk the awful morning sickness I had with Teagan) and it would be nice if baby only disrupted one semester.
Our first night on step 1.5 was OK. She nursed to sleep as always around 7:45. Awoke at 11:30 and brought her to our room. I nursed her on one boob though she wanted the other. She was super angry for about 45 minutes but then slept until 6:30!!! This morning she woke, nursed a little on each boob then rolled off and started babbling happily at me. I'd call that a success!
That's a fantasic success for your house Erin!
I told DH last night that we should call our guest bedroom in the next house a sex room.
I wish I could enjoy this success a little more. I still feel like death. During the "angry baby" time last night, I had to get up and take some cough syrup because I was keeping HER up! Once the coughing stopped she settled rather quickly. I HATE this cold. I'm just really glad she's not sick anymore.
OK, so, another update...
Last night she was asleep by 7:30. Slept til midnight. I went in and gave her a hug, she was asleep before I could even lay her down again. She slept til 6:15 in her own bed, I believe. I'm obviously sleeping more soundly, because, I don't remember if she's waking or not. But I'm pretty sure she didn't. I did a 10 second nurse for her at 6:15, and she went back to sleep. I had to get up at 6:30, and managed to sneak out of bed without waking her, but, she was up by 6:45 anyway. But I guess if she's getting 11 hours of mostly uninterrupted sleep, that is probably all she needs.
This morning however, she almost fall asleep nursing around 9:30am... which doesn't fit our one nap a day between 11 and 1 at all. I also took her temp and she's right at 38C/100.4F...not quite a fever yet, but she might be fighting something. She didn't stay asleep because she was doing that half asleep losing her latch and then trying to regain it, and it always ends up hurting, so I popped her off, and then she woke up. Hopefully I can get her down later, when she should be sleeping.
In any case, I feel like this might be my last update to our night-weaning story for now, unless something really exceptional happens. We started this journey 9 nights ago, we had one REALLY horrible night along the way, and now she's already on multiple nights of mostly STTN and not asking to nurse.
I know Jay Gordon has that last phase of the plan where you don't pick the baby up to comfort, just pat and shush back to sleep. I'll do my best to do that... but, like last night, when she saw me come in, she crawled right into my lap, but was asleep within seconds. Since we plan on continuing to bed-share/sleep-share (I would be ok with her sleeping more in her own bed, next to mine, than IN my bed, just to give me and my belly space- and she seems to be doing that on her own), sometimes it just happens that she crawls into my arms or to another spot, where I feel like I have no option but to pick her up. Of course, if she's just laying there whimpering or something, I'll just lay a hand on, and let it be, but, if she happens to get up, and I pick her up, or give her a full hug instead of just a pat, I'm ok with that too. As I said before, my whole point in this process was REALLY to night-wean, which it seems we have been successful in doing. And we do seem to be reaping the benefits of longer stretches of sleep as well, which I am certainly not going to complain about!
I don't regret night-nursing as long as we did, but I am glad I did this now. My boobs needed it, and I think it was a step in the right direction for my sanity as well, before I turned into a tandem night nursing monster when the baby came.
Thank you all for you help and advice- and certainly, let me know if I can help you in your journey as you have helped in mine! That said, most of what I have to say is already written here, so.... hope it helps!
(and here's really hoping that I WON'T be back with any exceptional updates!)
Mara & Joel, 2009
I'm so glad you got through this and achieved your goal. As with all things parenting, you'll likely have set backs. BUT now you have set the framework for better sleep and you know it works! I hope she's not coming down with something.
As for us, Teagan nursed to sleep at 7:30 (on the couch because I was watching the SOTU) and I stuck her in her bed. She woke at midnight. DH brought her in, so I nursed her for a minute or two. I popped her off, she whined for 5 seconds tops then rolled over and fell asleep! She woke at 4 but that's only because I woke her up with my coughing. I repeated nursing for a minute and popping her off and she rolled over again and went right to sleep until about 7am!! I'm pretty sure she would have slept through after her midnight wakeup if I hadn't been coughing. This is seriously huge for us. I'm going to continue shortening how long she nurses a that midnight wakeup until she's not nursing any more. Then I'll start sending Daddy to re-settle her if she gets up. I think we're close to STTN!!