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    Community Host Minx_Kristi's Avatar
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    Default Another 'bad mum' thread

    A bit of background first.

    BFF had an affair with my other friend's BF. He flitted back and forth, then decided he wanted to make things work with his GF. BFF found out she was pregnant and my other friend moved away. Her BF wanted her but stuck with BFF out of having no choice (IMO). When BFF found out she was pregnant, he tried bullying her into an abortion. She never went through with it and baby is 4 weeks away from being here.

    Anyway, BFF has a 4 yr old boy from a previous relationship and she confided in me over the weekend that this new guy is constantly putting him down. Not to his face, but saying things to her like "that kid is annoying", "that kid's an idiot!", "he should know better now he goes to school"....

    I told her my thoughts, not because I can't stand him anyway but I told her that her son should be her main priority and that she should make him leave. She however hasn't listened to a word I have said and the day after told me all was fine between them.

    What would you do? Keep on her back to do something or just let her get on with it?

    xx
    Me - Kristi, 29
    DD - Leia, July 5 2008

    I luurrrrrve to lurk!

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    I think you can offer your opinion since she asked but ultimately it is her decision and you can't make it for her. Since you have given your thoughts I would just let it go now... and be there for a shoulder when the chips fall and she wakes up and realizes how things are.

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    Posting Addict culturedmom's Avatar
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    I could not be friends with someone like that. She is obviously not a good judge of character, doesn't put her son and family first before boyfriends (so why think she would do the same for friend?), is selfish, and has a history of making bad decisions. You can't choose family, but you can choose friends and that kind of toxic person is not someone I would want around myself or my family. It stresses me out just hearing about her, so I can't imagine having to put up with that on a daily basis.

    I know it's harsh but so be it. The fact that she would make excuses to allow some man around her son who says bad things about him makes me sick.

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    Did we already have a debate about these people or am I having flashbacks to a life I never lived?

    I'd tell em all to call Springer. Sounds like a mess. A man who tried cheated on his GF with me, then left me for her, then got dumped by her, then got me knocked up and tried to force me to abort, and is now verbally abusive to my other son with a different baby daddy?

    I would tell her that she is making choices which have the power to ruin not only her life, but the lives of the two children she has now chosen to bring into this mess. With what appears to be a pattern of chronic disregard for wisdom or prudent decision making, I would probably distance myself from any friend this callously indifferent to her own child's best interest. I would try to actively seek out some friends with more self esteem and wisdom, and hope that someday my friend wises up and I can be there for her then. Till then, she pretty much has chosen to play her hand.

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    Community Host Minx_Kristi's Avatar
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    Potter, I think I have posted about this somewhere before but it wasn't about the child then. I can't find it.

    Anyway, Lana I hear what you are saying and I have tried to distance myself from her. She has fallen out with me a couple of times because of him, but when things go bad she's back on the phone. We have been friends for a long time and I know she is a needy person. She needs male attention, not in a "she's a *****" kind of way but if there isn't a man on the scene she gets very down about it. I guess I can't cut her off completely because it's not in my character. I'm more of a helper and I will try as much as I can. It does get frustrating but that's what friends are for right?

    As far as her son goes though, the boundaries have been completely crossed! I am really good friends with her son's Dad and I know he would hit the roof. If my BFF for one second thought he was putting her DS in a situation similar with one of his partners she would be going crazy.

    BFF and the current baby's Dad, their relationship is horrendous. I know he is only with her for somewhere to stay and deep down she knows it herself. I think they will be together for a while before either makes the move to get out and I worry for her DS, will this new guy start putting him down to his face as he gets older? It's just not fair and I wish she could put her child first rather than herself.

    xx
    Me - Kristi, 29
    DD - Leia, July 5 2008

    I luurrrrrve to lurk!

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    Posting Addict culturedmom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minx_Kristi View Post
    Potter, I think I have posted about this somewhere before but it wasn't about the child then. I can't find it.

    Anyway, Lana I hear what you are saying and I have tried to distance myself from her. She has fallen out with me a couple of times because of him, but when things go bad she's back on the phone. We have been friends for a long time and I know she is a needy person. She needs male attention, not in a "she's a *****" kind of way but if there isn't a man on the scene she gets very down about it. I guess I can't cut her off completely because it's not in my character. I'm more of a helper and I will try as much as I can. It does get frustrating but that's what friends are for right?
    As far as her son goes though, the boundaries have been completely crossed! I am really good friends with her son's Dad and I know he would hit the roof. If my BFF for one second thought he was putting her DS in a situation similar with one of his partners she would be going crazy.

    BFF and the current baby's Dad, their relationship is horrendous. I know he is only with her for somewhere to stay and deep down she knows it herself. I think they will be together for a while before either makes the move to get out and I worry for her DS, will this new guy start putting him down to his face as he gets older? It's just not fair and I wish she could put her child first rather than herself.

    xx
    To the bolded, NO, that is not what friends are for. To me that is what family is for. Yes friends should be there for each other when times get bad and all that. But sometimes friendships become unequal in te amount of crap and stress being pushed on one person. You said it yourself, she is needy. That to me is not someone who sees you as a friend but someone who takes advantage of your people pleasing helper personality. Sheis toxic to her, herchild, and those around you. If nothing else you should be a role model for your child and teach through your actions that no one deserves to be taken advantage of and allow stressful toxic people in thier life.

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    Community Host Minx_Kristi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by culturedmom View Post
    To the bolded, NO, that is not what friends are for. To me that is what family is for. Yes friends should be there for each other when times get bad and all that. But sometimes friendships become unequal in te amount of crap and stress being pushed on one person. You said it yourself, she is needy. That to me is not someone who sees you as a friend but someone who takes advantage of your people pleasing helper personality. Sheis toxic to her, herchild, and those around you. If nothing else you should be a role model for your child and teach through your actions that no one deserves to be taken advantage of and allow stressful toxic people in thier life
    Her family are useless when it comes to advice. Her mother is very immature and when this all started she was bashing my other friend. I try not to involve myself with her family much, although they do not like him now.

    To the bolded, I am only ever around my BFF when it's us and the kids. I cannot stand him and the only time I will ever come across him again in the future is if he chooses to be around when I am visiting after the baby arrives. I avoid him, as he does me and that's the way I want it. We don't talk about any of this in front of the kids because as we know they pick up on everything.

    xx
    Me - Kristi, 29
    DD - Leia, July 5 2008

    I luurrrrrve to lurk!

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    Posting Addict RebeccaA'07's Avatar
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    It sounds like she feels some sort of security being with a man, considering the circumstances. As a friend, you can offer your opinion or advice but you can't make her do the right thing. She's not being a good Mother right now by allowing some dude to put her son down. And staying with a man after trying to bully her into an abortion? Stupid.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Minx_Kristi View Post
    Potter, I think I have posted about this somewhere before but it wasn't about the child then. I can't find it.

    Anyway, Lana I hear what you are saying and I have tried to distance myself from her. She has fallen out with me a couple of times because of him, but when things go bad she's back on the phone. We have been friends for a long time and I know she is a needy person. She needs male attention, not in a "she's a *****" kind of way but if there isn't a man on the scene she gets very down about it. I guess I can't cut her off completely because it's not in my character. I'm more of a helper and I will try as much as I can. It does get frustrating but that's what friends are for right?

    As far as her son goes though, the boundaries have been completely crossed! I am really good friends with her son's Dad and I know he would hit the roof. If my BFF for one second thought he was putting her DS in a situation similar with one of his partners she would be going crazy.

    BFF and the current baby's Dad, their relationship is horrendous. I know he is only with her for somewhere to stay and deep down she knows it herself. I think they will be together for a while before either makes the move to get out and I worry for her DS, will this new guy start putting him down to his face as he gets older? It's just not fair and I wish she could put her child first rather than herself.

    xx

    If she's not listening and you're hearing all the verbal abuse that her son is receiving/hearing, are you telling his father so he's aware? At minimum, you as their friend should be sharing this tidbit of info for the father to deal with. And then I would take a step back until this issue is resolved. I certainly wouldn't allow my kids to be in their presence while her current BF is in the picture and I would not hesitate to tell her that. It may give your BFF the wakeup call she needs.
    Tracey

    DD: 7/27/08
    DD Twins: 8/4/09 @ 35 Wks - No NICU, woot!
    7/9/07

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    Posting Addict carg0612's Avatar
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    Ugh, I'm so sorry you have to watch your friend make such bad decisions.

    I am not so sure you should be getting into the middle of a hear say situation with your BFF's ex. I think you could potentially bring it up more tactfully than doing the whole telephone game thing. This is not something in which you want to get yourself in the middle.

    This poor little boy. Your BFF sounds like she has some pretty serious issues. You can offer your support and advice but you can't make her do or stop doing anything. If her choice is to be with a man who puts her first child down that's her choice. It isn't right but it's on her, not you. You can advise her what that will likely do to her relationship with her son and to her son.

    I don't think that I could in good faith remain close with someone like that. I don't think I'd de-friend them but I would have to put in my 2 cents and then gain some distance for my own sanity.

    You'll need to choose what is right for you. Can you remain friends with her through this?

    It boils down to this: if you keep talking to her about it and/or if you go to the son's dad and talk to him about what you've heard you certainly risk losing your friend. Is that a price you're willing to pay to talk? Or is her friendship worth keeping your mouth shut (aka her son being emotionally harmed)? For you which risk is greater? Only you can answer that question. Once answered maybe that will help guide your actions.

    I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

    And I wish your friend would wake up and smell the estrogen. A woman doesn't need an abusive man. No amount of testerone is worth that. That's my feeling.
    Christina + Rory = a grand total of:
    Amelia, Anthony, Andon, Noah, Mason, & Trinity-woof


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