April Fools insensitivity?

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April Fools insensitivity?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10100580159722362&set=p.10100580159722362&type=1&theater

Apparently it is hurtful and insensitive to make a prank pregnancy announcement on April Fools day. It is offensive and hurtful to any and everyone who may have lost a pregnancy or suffered from infertility.

Thoughts?

Is it a cute (if very overdone) harmless little April fools joke? Or is it a mean calloused slap in the face to millions of women?

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3312

I might be a mean and insensitive person because while i feel bad for people who have gone through any sort of difficulty, i think its wrong for those individuals to start expecting everyone to tailor their behavior due to those bad experiences. I would feel its inappropriate to target those individuals specifically for such a prank, but if someone does it on their facebook page or something like that? I don't know...i think its just one of those things that you might just have to deal with if you go through such a loss or trial in life. Its really hard to take into consideration everyone's life experiences and how what you say might hurt this person or that one.

Overall if you have been through something difficult, you still have to live in the same world you lived in prior to that experience. If your hope is to alter the universe so that you never feel unnecessary pain....I think its a futile effort. Its better to learn to cope with reality.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3186

I was going to post, but I wisely waited for Kim to come say what I wanted to say in a better way than I would say it. I'm glad I waited!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

As someone who has had several miscarriages this is something I have thought of before. There was a time when I was sensitive to all things pregnancy. I could not stand it when someone complained about their pregnancy. Then when I did become pregnant with a sticky pregnancy I learned, you rob someone's joy in their pregnancy when you make them guard everything they say about being pregnant. The fact of the matter is that there are some unfun parts to being pregnant. It is ok to talk about them. I believe the same would go with this. People who currently are not suffering a loss, do not mean ill will to someone when they play this kind of joke. If you know that you are sensitive to this issue, than it would not be a good day to get on FB. FB is also full (At least mine is) of pictures of new babies, pg announcements, and other baby things. It is just part of dealing with loss. That there will seem as though there are babies everywhere. If you are going through a time when things are especially difficult, then that would be a good day to avoid FB.

OT funny story - Brianna was born on April Fools day 6 years ago. That day was full of Daniel playing jokes on people telling them I was in labor. I was 5 weeks early, so there was no reason to think I could be in labor. I woke up on feeling the best so I stayed home from church. Daniel had fun telling everyone at church I was in labor and then saying "April Fools" (Like he would have been at church if I was in labor). He called his mom and told her I was in labor. She believed him. (That I thought was mean), so thinking he deserved a bit of his own medicine, later that day we were taking a nap. I woke up thinking I felt a little damp. Never in the world thinking my water broke I told Daniel that my water had broken. He woke up out of bed in a panic. I laughed and told him April Fools. He did NOT think it was funny and went back to sleep. Shortly after I realised my water had broken. Not a gush, but a drip. I went to wake him up again and he said Yeah Right and rolled back over to go to sleep. Brianna was born less than 4 hours later and NO ONE believed us. My one friend hung up on Daniel when he called to tell her. I tell everyone that it was April Fools on me.

Joined: 08/17/04
Posts: 2226

I agree with Kim. As someone who has had fertility struggles and an early loss I know the pain of both and I just don't quite get this and it never occurred to me that it could be painful. I was often pained of learning about someone else getting pregnant when I waited so long for it but I never tried to take away from their joy this would have probably been the same and then either relief that another person wasn't pregnant or mild irritation that they were joking with it.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

I don't really see the humor in it even ignoring the impact on people with infertility. My FB is a mixture of people who I'm really close to and people who I really only contact via FB. If someone who I was close to told me they were pregnant (or any real big news) via FB only, I would be kind of hurt.

I know that you have to live in the world but I also know that when we were TTC or after my m/c it felt like everyone was asking me when we were going to have kids and it drove me nuts. If one of my friends did this, i wouldn't shun them or stop being friends with them though Smile

GloriaInTX's picture
Joined: 07/29/08
Posts: 4116

I think it is ridiculous for anyone to celebrate April Fools day and since it started out as a Pagan Holiday it is just another day to bash us Christians bigots.

However, I believe it’s only fair to set the record straight. April Fools’ Day is a Pagan holiday and by precedent, has been associated with some of the most vile and sadistic behavior in human history. My conscience simply doesn’t allow me to take part in a holiday where innocent people were bludgeoned to death all in the name of good fun.

Now I should reiterate that the term Pagan means, to Christians, any holiday or custom or government that Jesus personally disapproves of. It’s a major misconception that we believe Pagan means “a polytheistic or pre-Christian religion.” No, Pagan simply means that we measure the entity of discussion against the “What Would Jesus Do” principle.

Why I Don

GloriaInTX's picture
Joined: 07/29/08
Posts: 4116

April Fools! Smile

I don't think they are purposely trying to offend someone and we are entirely too sensitive these days about being politically correct and hurting someone's feelings.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3312

Well played. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that you got me and i actually thought you were serious!....but only for a second. LOL

"GloriaInTX" wrote:

April Fools! Smile
I don't think they are purposely trying to offend someone and we are entirely too sensitive these days about being politically correct and hurting someone's feelings.
SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

I had someone on my FB friend's list post this just a day or two ago. I happen to know that she very recently had a miscarriage, so for that reason I would respect that something like that would bother her, since I know about it, and I wouldn't personally do it. But in general I completely agree with Kim...people who have fertility issues can have that pain stirred up by so many things (real baby announcements, baby pics, etc), and you can't tiptoe around all of that all the time. In my case, where I know one of my friends would be pained by it, I would feel like a real jerk to do it anyway.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

It makes me CRAZY, this notion that everything and anything is so offensive all the darn time.

I'm also super confused about how reading about a pregnancy announcement is SOOOO terrible and triggering and like a knife of pain and whatnot, but seeing a dead baby ISN'T? I mean, I'd think that the dead baby would trigger a lot more upset than a fake pregnancy "gotcha!" announcement?

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

"Potter75" wrote:

It makes me CRAZY, this notion that everything and anything is so offensive all the darn time.

I'm also super confused about how reading about a pregnancy announcement is SOOOO terrible and triggering and like a knife of pain and whatnot, but seeing a dead baby ISN'T? I mean, I'd think that the dead baby would trigger a lot more upset than a fake pregnancy "gotcha!" announcement?

I'm missing something...where did the dead baby come in? (I can't access the initial link you posted from FB so maybe that's where?)

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Yes, thats where.

mom3girls's picture
Joined: 01/09/07
Posts: 1535

Was that baby in the picture dead?

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

"GloriaInTX" wrote:

April Fools! Smile

I don't think they are purposely trying to offend someone and we are entirely too sensitive these days about being politically correct and hurting someone's feelings.

Word. You totally got me. I was so thinking inside that I have never heard anyone have that opinion before.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

"mom3girls" wrote:

Was that baby in the picture dead?

I went back and looked at the picture as well. I have no experience or way of knowing, but that did not look like a dead baby to me.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Yes, it is a stillborn baby.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

"Potter75" wrote:

Yes, it is a stillborn baby.

I would say, yes, it is very insensitive to post a picture of a stillborn baby.

Joined: 08/17/04
Posts: 2226

Oh God! I had no idea that was a stillborn baby. I have such a hard time with those. Yikes. Glad I didn't know.

Melis~I can only speak for myself but when I was ttc every pregnancy announcement after like 8 months of trying was like a stomach punch and it was a harder punch as time went on. I know, wrongly of course, that I assumed that these people tried for like a millisecond and here I was struggling. Most of the time that wasn't true (but on the TTC boards it was!...lol people would join and say "Hey! We started trying yesterday and guess what look at this blazing bfp!) but it felt true.

Joined: 08/17/04
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"GloriaInTX" wrote:

I think it is ridiculous for anyone to celebrate April Fools day and since it started out as a Pagan Holiday it is just another day to bash us Christians bigots.

Why I Don

Okay...this really got me for a few seconds. Thanks for a good chuckle. My mouth dropped for a moment...:)

mommytoMR.FACE's picture
Joined: 04/10/09
Posts: 781

I have a friend that birthed her stillborn daughter so I am a bit sensitive to it for her. I can understand all point of views though, and until my friend lost her daughter, I would have agreed with Melis I think.

SID081108's picture
Joined: 06/03/09
Posts: 1348

"Jessica80" wrote:

Melis~I can only speak for myself but when I was ttc every pregnancy announcement after like 8 months of trying was like a stomach punch and it was a harder punch as time went on. I know, wrongly of course, that I assumed that these people tried for like a millisecond and here I was struggling. Most of the time that wasn't true (but on the TTC boards it was!...lol people would join and say "Hey! We started trying yesterday and guess what look at this blazing bfp!) but it felt true.

Yes, this is exactly how my bff felt when she tried for years for a baby. I have not been through infertility issues/miscarriage personally, but I think there is some balance somewhere in the middle in terms of being careful about what we say. I can't constantly tiptoe around everyone with everything I say, but I can feel enough empathy for those who are having a hard time to not say things that I know would likely be hurtful to them.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3312

"mommytoMR.FACE" wrote:

I have a friend that birthed her stillborn daughter so I am a bit sensitive to it for her. I can understand all point of views though, and until my friend lost her daughter, I would have agreed with Melis I think.

I just don't see how you can expect no one to talk lightheartedly about pregnancy due to this unfortunate circumstance.

My good friend lost his 17 year old son. Would it be reasonable for him to expect no one to ever post about how their kids sometimes drive them crazy?

Seems very unreasonable to me. I mean, i can understand having an internal desire to be more sensitive. Thats what happened to me. I'm actually a lot more careful about what i post on FB since that happened to him. But i don't think he actually expects everyone to tip toe around because of him and change the way they behave. Choosing to change for a friend and expecting everyone else to change are two different things.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3186

There's a big difference between tailoring what you say around an individual who has suffered a loss, and not being allowed to post things on Facebook or to a broader audience.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"KimPossible" wrote:

I just don't see how you can expect no one to talk lightheartedly about pregnancy do to this unfortunate circumstance.

My good friend lost his 17 year old son. Would it be reasonable for him to expect no one to ever post about how their kids sometimes drive them crazy?

Seems very unreasonable to me. I mean, i can understand having an internal desire to be more sensitive. Thats what happened to me. I'm actually a lot more careful about what i post on FB since that happened to him. But i don't think he actually expects everyone to tip toe around because of him and change the way they behave. Choosing to change for a friend and expecting everyone else to change are two different things.

This, exactly. It isn't that I think that we can make an April fools joke because I lack empathy for loss. That isn't it at all. My husbands best friend and his wife lost their first baby at 24 weeks, they were due exactly a month before we were with out first. It was heart wrenching and awful. My best friend in the world is struggling with secondary infertility, my heart aches for her and I would carry her baby myself if I could. None of that means that I thought my friend with two young boys who posted a pregnancy announcement yesterday as a prank was trying to hurt anyone (or really, did hurt anyone). She herself had to try for over a year, and then do IUI to get pregnant with her boys. The announcement involved her husband, an attorney who works like 90 hours a week, and she herself launched her own business this year. When I saw it I was floored knowing all that they had going on ~ not realizing of course that it was April 1 Smile

I think that what got me all fired up was reading The Feminist Breeder (a blogger who I happen to loathe) posting about this on her FB page. She posted the photo with the stillborn and lectured everyone about "sensitivity"........frankly I think that the stillborn photo is a lot less sensitive and more triggering than a pregnancy spoof. Some of the respondents were just so SERIOUS about it, like anyone who would post a faux pregnancy announcement was intentionally wrenching the hearts of all who had ever encountered infertility, miscarriage, loss of a child etc etc etc......and I just think that it was taken to such an unreasonable level that I was a bit disgusted by it.

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

I don't think you need to have suffered a stillbirth for that picture to make your heart ache. Every time I see a picture like that, albeit not often, I tear up. I think the poster severely underestimates the ability of women and in particular mothers to feel the tragedy of a loss like that, even if they've never experienced infertility or miscarriage or a stillbirth. I think she is the one being terribly insensitive.

Personally I could never post like that on fb, about a fake pg or whatever, just because of what some of my relatives and friends have gone through. My cousin and his wife had to selectively reduce their twin pg to a singleton because of one's birth defects and the impact it was having on the other twin; and she had also lost a prior baby at 20 weeks. A girlfriend and her DH tried for a long time to get pg and their son has a major heart defect - the kind that requires multiple surgeries, probably a transplant, and at the end a prognosis of a life of not much more than 20 years or so.

That said, it's how I feel about it. I know that neither of those friends would expect everyone in their world to not talk about who's pg or babies in general or whatever.

smsturner's picture
Joined: 05/11/09
Posts: 1303

I hate hate hate april fools day. But mostly because I'm a super gullible, trusting person. lol It's EASY to fool me.

I have been struggling with infertility for the last four years. I had a miscarriage last week. Right now I find everything baby-ish, especially pregnancy, relatively painful. I think it's obnoxious and annoying to do this one (not to mention OVERDONE to death!!)

But I don't expect that the world will ever change around me because some things bother me. It's not going to happen. The best I hope for is that the people that I love the most will have some care about the subject with me. But facebook?? When has anyone ever gotten sensitivity from that? lol When I'm having a bad day, I know better than to go there. I wish people were more sensitive, but I know better. I also know there are zillions of people that it would never even occur to that they were being insensitive. They just would have no idea. Basically, I expect more from my family and close friends who know all I've been through, but for facebook, I know ahead of time to put on my big girl pants, and remember it's not a sensitive place Wink

smsturner's picture
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"mommytoMR.FACE" wrote:

I have a friend that birthed her stillborn daughter so I am a bit sensitive to it for her. I can understand all point of views though, and until my friend lost her daughter, I would have agreed with Melis I think.

I saw you on Lauren's blog... Is that the friend you mean? I'm so so sad for her. It's something I can't stop thinking about. Even in my pain, I just keep thinking how incredibly hard it would be to be in her place. So much worse than anything I've ever had happen.
How do you know her?

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
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"freddieflounder101" wrote:

I was going to post, but I wisely waited for Kim to come say what I wanted to say in a better way than I would say it. I'm glad I waited!

"KimPossible" wrote:

Well played. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that you got me and i actually thought you were serious!....but only for a second. LOL

Ditto to both of these!

I think when you're talking privately or in a small group with someone that you know has suffered a miscarriage or infertility, it's rude to go on about how easy it was for you to get pregnant or what a breeze your pregnancy was, but you shouldn't feel the need to censor yourself with a larger audience or general public. I have a personal rule to not share my birth stories with first-time pregnant moms but one time when Weston was a brand-new baby, I was at a school function and a group of women were talking about birth. Someone asked how it went with Weston, and I said something along the lines of, "I was in labor at home for three days but ended up with a c-section because he was a 10 lb 10 oz moose-boy with a 16-inch head." She went as white as a ghost and started coughing. It turned out that she was the principal's wife, and newly pregnant with their first child. I felt horrible! I had figured anyone at that event should have a kid in the school, and I would have censored myself if I'd known she was expecting her first.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3312

Oh Melis, I wish you had never mentioned that bloggers name. Out of curiosity i visited her facebook page and....man i can't stand the way she talks. Whatever problems she might think shes battling...she's part of it. OI. Its going to take a lot of restraint to not start sharing my opinions LOL Although I'm basing all of this on just what is being said on the posts regarding this particular issue.

Joined: 05/31/06
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Kim she is the WORST. If you ever want a giggle read GOMI (get off my internets) about her. A real piece of work, that one.

I disagree that Facebook is insensitive, BTW. I have seen tons of kindness and empathy and beauty on facebook. Its a network of friends, after all, isn't it? After I broke my hip I had to hide some running sights/groups that I "like" ~ when I could not even walk it was painful to me to see posts about running, which was a passion of mine. That wasn't because facebook or running fans were insensitive or unkind, it was simply because I was hurting and trying to come to terms with a great loss and great pain in my personal life. So I protected myself. However, I still head up our local chapter of "Moms run this town" and provide people with running and race info, I support my friends who are running races, and I celebrate their victories with them. I love hearing about their running on facebook. And if a friend who wasn't a runner posted a "Just signed up for a marathon!" prank I wouldn't call them insensitive because I had lost the ability to run. They were just making a joke. Just because I can't run or lost one of my true passions in life doesn't mean that their joke was intended to be hurtful, of course they weren't thinking of me and my loss when they posted ~ they were just trying to be funny.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

"KimPossible" wrote:

Oh Melis, I wish you had never mentioned that bloggers name. Out of curiosity i visited her facebook page and....man i can't stand the way she talks. Whatever problems she might think shes battling...she's part of it. OI. Its going to take a lot of restraint to not start sharing my opinions LOL Although I'm basing all of this on just what is being said on the posts regarding this particular issue.

I visited her blog. You have to pay to read her posts. Super classy.

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

I don't think that the things we see on fb are other people's responsibility. There are times we need to unlike things, or not go on for certain days as they trigger things. After my m/c I certainly avoided it on mothers day. But that was my choice. When we are sensitive we have to make choices like that. Or let our friends know what is up and that we can't handle seeing or hearing certain things. The world will not protect us. We have to do that ourselves.

I personally think the use of a stillborn image is horrible and defeats the point.

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

I often 'hide' images and posts on facebook. I have one friend in particular who posts pictures of half naked pics of women to 'inspire' her in her weight lifting challenge. I hate those pics, but wouldnt expect her to stop posting them just for me. I know thats not the same thing, but that hide post option is very handy for these situations.

Joined: 08/17/04
Posts: 2226

Pay to read her blog? Whatever. I'm not paying to read your thoughts lady.