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Thread: Bad Moms

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    Community Host wlillie's Avatar
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    Default Bad Moms

    Can you overlook bad parenting in a close friend to maintain the adult relationship?
    Last edited by wlillie; 10-06-2011 at 02:59 PM.

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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    Nope. Although I can't imagine becoming friends with a "bad mom" to begin with. I generally just avoid people with negative energy. I suppose one of my childless friends might become a "bad mom" in the future but I think I'd have seen that potential already.
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    Yes.

    Yes BUT, its really, really freaking hard. Dealing with this in a very close friend going through a very hard time and making some very bad decisions which affect her children. It is very difficult.

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    I think it depends on what we're talking about here. I don't need my friends to make all of the same decisions as I do, and I don't even consider the different choices "bad parenting." So, like, if a friend chose to spank, or bottle feed, or something like that, I wouldn't have a problem staying her friend or even think she was a bad parent in the first place. But, if she really *was* a bad parent (like, abusive or neglectful) then no, I wouldn't be able to respect her, so I wouldn't be able to be her friend. But those are pretty extreme examples. What do you mean when you say "bad mom"?
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    Depends.

    If it is someone you are already friends with and the "bad mom" side starts emerging then maybe you could look past it. It would be tough though.

    However, I doubt that I would strike up a friendship with a stranger who appeared to be a "bad mom".

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    Quote Originally Posted by Alissa_Sal View Post
    I think it depends on what we're talking about here. I don't need my friends to make all of the same decisions as I do, and I don't even consider the different choices "bad parenting." So, like, if a friend chose to spank, or bottle feed, or something like that, I wouldn't have a problem staying her friend or even think she was a bad parent in the first place. But, if she really *was* a bad parent (like, abusive or neglectful) then no, I wouldn't be able to respect her, so I wouldn't be able to be her friend. But those are pretty extreme examples. What do you mean when you say "bad mom"?
    I agree that it would depend as well. There are some parenting decisions that I don't agree with some of my friends, and while some situations could definitely be more ideal, it doesn't mean I stop being friends with them. But it doesn't mean I'll participate in supporting the decisions either if they are attempting to involve me. If the behaviors are 100% clearly abusive to the kids, I would definitely step in to attempt to change the behaviors or seek alternatives to better the situation for the child and if the friend doesn't see me as a friend at that point, so be it.
    Tracey

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    Mega Poster mom3girls's Avatar
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    I think it would depend on the situation. After the death of her husband a friend of mine started doing some things that most would consider bad parenting. In that situation I knew she needed time to heal and adjust and it was a pretty short time before she was the stellar parent I knew her to be. If there was not an extenuating circumstance and she just started acting like that I would have had to distance myself from her.
    Lisa
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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    I can't really see how it can "depend." Bad parenting is bad parenting, it's not a different decision or different style, it's bad parenting. I'm not fond of spanking but I don't think spanking occasionally makes someone a bad parent. Spanking for every single infraction, or spanking so hard that it's abusive, or spanking in a way that belittles the child (pulling their pants down in public) are signs of a bad parent. Not buckling your 6-year-old into seatbelt rather than a booster seat doesn't make you a bad parent; not buckling your 6-year-old up at all does make you a bad parent. Letting your 2-year-old watch an episode of PBS while you make dinner is what I call a "happy family decision." Letting your 2-year-old watch TV all day long while you sleep off a hangover is bad parenting in a couple of different ways. There's nothing "depending" about any of those things. They should not be done. Period.

    Quote Originally Posted by mom3girls View Post
    After the death of her husband a friend of mine started doing some things that most would consider bad parenting.
    In that case I'd chalk it up to grieving rather than that she became a bad parent.
    The number of U.S. states in which a person can marry the person they love regardless of gender: 30 and counting!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Spacers View Post
    I can't really see how it can "depend." Bad parenting is bad parenting, it's not a different decision or different style, it's bad parenting. I'm not fond of spanking but I don't think spanking occasionally makes someone a bad parent. Spanking for every single infraction, or spanking so hard that it's abusive, or spanking in a way that belittles the child (pulling their pants down in public) are signs of a bad parent. Not buckling your 6-year-old into seatbelt rather than a booster seat doesn't make you a bad parent; not buckling your 6-year-old up at all does make you a bad parent. Letting your 2-year-old watch an episode of PBS while you make dinner is what I call a "happy family decision." Letting your 2-year-old watch TV all day long while you sleep off a hangover is bad parenting in a couple of different ways. There's nothing "depending" about any of those things. They should not be done. Period.


    In that case I'd chalk it up to grieving rather than that she became a bad parent.
    In some of the examples you gave, don't you think that your friend may need some time of divine intervention? If that wasn't normal behavior to begin with (which I'm guessing it wouldn't be the case when initially becoming friends) and you were friends with them for an extended time, wouldn't you see these as possible flags for underlying issues they may not be revealing? Such as a bad hangover and letting a kid watch t.v. all day - depression? I wouldn't just assume that their parenting skills will always be that way and see it as more situational (hopefully). I guess I've never seen relationships to be so black and white.
    Tracey

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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    I'm not a believer in anything divine, so no, that would never be a thought of mine. As I said before, I can't imagine becoming friends with someone who treats her child in those ways. There would be no interest at all in creating a friendship. A good friend whose behavior changed, sure, I would say something & see if there's an underlying problem. But to me there is absolutely no excuse for treating your child in those ways and those actions say something to me about that person's true character. I've been drunk a few times, but I always make sure my kids will be safe until I'm able to care for them again. I've been depressed but I still buckled them up, and I got medication so I wouldn't stay depressed. I've been so angry I want to beat the crap out of them, but I didn't because it's not how you treat a child. If my "friend" chooses bad parenting, whatever the reason for it, or chooses to not address a problem that is causing the bad parenting, then I'm out. I don't allow negative people in my life. Especially negative people who are bad parents. Life is too short to be surrounded by bad energy.
    The number of U.S. states in which a person can marry the person they love regardless of gender: 30 and counting!

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