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Thread: Does Prom send damaging messages?

  1. #71
    Posting Addict Rivergallery's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimPossible View Post
    I wouldn't look down on someone who bought a 25 dollar dress that I don't like for their daughter as long as their daughter liked the dress too.

    I'll admit, given the prices of dresses in general these days though, I might not understand why someone who could afford it wouldn't spring for a slightly more expensive dress if their daughter really loved it. 25 dollars just seems like a hardball limit.

    Talking about not being able to afford something more expensive is different.
    "hardball Limit" who said it was a hardball limit.. It is an example of what I do as a parent.. I set a price I think reasonable for something they desire.. if it is something I do not think we can afford I say no, but if it is something not harmfull or against our views I will let them spend their own money on.. If it is something like a dress where I could afford x amount I tell them and they earn the rest... occasionally I will give them more if they worked hard, or if it is close to the price I could see that.. but there is a big difference between 100 and 25.

    That said.. I would treat PROM and the DRESS.. just like I do everything else the kids want... Prom isn't a need, it is a want... even though the highschool society might make it a need...
    DH-Aug 30th 1997 Josiah - 6/3/02 Isaac 7/31/03

  2. #72
    Posting Addict Rivergallery's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    Yes, I was taken aback by Rivergalleries comment. $25 is ~ well ~ it is a bit of a randomly small amount for a family to contribute, IMO. I would be more understanding of a family saying ~ Prom is not in our budget, you will have to get a job/babysit/provide for your own dress/things etc......or whatever. Many families do that. I understand that and support it. My family did that for many things in my life.

    Its like saying:

    "we plan to help our children with orthodontics, we will pay $68 and if they feel that they need fancier braces the rest is on them".
    "We plan to help our children buy a car, we have budgeted $129 and if they want something fancier they can pay for it".
    "If the kid needs something fancier than that $3 updo thats on them, that is what we have budgeted for them".

    My point wasn't that you can't find a $25 dress. My point was that it seems a really low and arbitrary number for an entire evening (especially given RG's kids ages, we are talking about $25 like 10 years from now, don't forget). That wouldn't buy a corsage, I bet, in 10 years.

    See--- I do not see it as unkind for a parent to help a child out with what the child wants. Parents are responsible for needs ONLY. The rest should be considered within that family's budget... Some families are working all they can just for the food/electricity/taxes etc... Some are already on beans and rice... Not sure where $100 would come from even over the course of a year to be quite honest with you.. from my budget. HOWEVER... Most parents I know that are frugal and hard workers.. provide their children with opportunities to earn more themselves.

    For us that is working primarily in my father's business.. my children work with him during the summer when we can get them down there.. and they want to. He also has two side businesses that they help with.. This money they have saved, and are allowed to spend if they want something we can not afford. Like they just bought the whole set of all the Seasons of a show they like. But did we go to the Big Box store and buy new... NO.. They first asked me to look it up on Amazon and Ebay (smart boys).. so I did and put it in the cart till they felt they wanted to buy it.. I then used a coupon I had earned from Swagbucks, and put in a book for their homeschooling I needed to get them free shipping. SO.. I basically GAVE them $5 from the swagbucks, and $10 since I saved them shipping costs. Then they split the cost and I deposited their cash.

    Hope this makes sense.
    Calling anyone Mean for this .. I just don't get.

    If a parent says.. I have $100 to get you started saving for a new car... That is wonderful.

    (fancier braces? I had no idea)
    DH-Aug 30th 1997 Josiah - 6/3/02 Isaac 7/31/03

  3. #73
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    Back to the original topic. It's not prom that sends a damaging message, it's the parents or the culture the kids are in that has the potential to do so. I wasn't someone who cared about prom, but some kids and schools really do, and it becomes a status thing, and those situations are never good although of course people deal with it and grow up and move on.

    I don't think it's about proving how little you can spend to show that the prom wouldn't damage your kids. You can spend hundreds of dollars and have the prom not damage your kids. And what Melissa is talking about isn't looking down on people who don't spend, it's about making sure your kid (daughter, which is what most of this was focused on) feels pretty and happy with what she is wearing. Posting individual dresses doesn't actually resolve anything or prove anything in this regard.

    It's not about a dollar figure, it's about values. If your kids are looking around to see what things cost and insisting that their stuff should cost at least as much, you have a problem.
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  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rivergallery View Post
    See--- I do not see it as unkind for a parent to help a child out with what the child wants. Parents are responsible for needs ONLY. The rest should be considered within that family's budget... Some families are working all they can just for the food/electricity/taxes etc... Some are already on beans and rice... Not sure where $100 would come from even over the course of a year to be quite honest with you.. from my budget.
    I'm sorry, but didn't you say your elementary school-aged kids could make hundreds over the summer?

    Anyway...as a parent who is fortunate enough to have a larger budget to work with, I feel also responsible for some of my child's "wants" as well. I don't owe it to them but it's a lovely part of parenting I am lucky to have the opportunity for, and enjoy, and know that my kids will have nice memories of it throughout their lives.

    I'm not looking down on anyone's economic situation, but I feel there is some reverse snobbery going on here too.
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  5. #75
    Posting Addict KimPossible's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rivergallery View Post
    "hardball Limit" who said it was a hardball limit.. It is an example of what I do as a parent.. I set a price I think reasonable for something they desire.. if it is something I do not think we can afford I say no, but if it is something not harmfull or against our views I will let them spend their own money on.. If it is something like a dress where I could afford x amount I tell them and they earn the rest... occasionally I will give them more if they worked hard, or if it is close to the price I could see that.. but there is a big difference between 100 and 25.

    That said.. I would treat PROM and the DRESS.. just like I do everything else the kids want... Prom isn't a need, it is a want... even though the highschool society might make it a need...
    I simply mean that given the cost of dresses these days, 25 dollars is extremely limiting, relative to what formal gowns cost. I'm not saying that you can't buy any dress at that price, just the fact is today, 25 dollars is extremely low.

    I tend to take into account general cost of living, even when trying to be frugal, instead of my own gut feelings on what seems right or not. I mean if my daughter found a dress that she really loved for 50 dollars, that would still be beyond an amazing deal so i can't personally imagine telling my kid "sorry i won't pay for it, even though you have successfully found a bargain and are being very frugal, its not 25 dollars". Maybe I subjectively don't like to pay 50 dollars for a dress, but the economy dictates that 50 dollars for a formal gown is an excellent price.

    And of course i get that its not a necessity, but if i've decided its something my kids can do, i don't see the point in setting such a lowball limit. But yes its just a parental preference and you and i are just different.


    And I'll just reiterate again that I'm not talking about when you can't possibly afford more...i'm talking about when you can.

    FTR, these are all just arbitrary numbers i'm using as an example above. I have no idea how much i will end up spending on prom.
    Last edited by KimPossible; 05-14-2013 at 11:05 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by freddieflounder101 View Post

    I'm not looking down on anyone's economic situation, but I feel there is some reverse snobbery going on here too.
    If you can afford all of the fancy nice things that go along with prom that is wonderful. It is not a bad thing at all, I think it is a blessing. The overall tone that I got from some of the previous posts, was that you are a bad parent if you can not or will not spend more than $25 on a prom dress. That may not have been the intent, but it is how it came across, and I am not the only one that felt that way.
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlyssaEimers View Post
    If you can afford all of the fancy nice things that go along with prom that is wonderful. It is not a bad thing at all, I think it is a blessing. The overall tone that I got from some of the previous posts, was that you are a bad parent if you can not or will not spend more than $25 on a prom dress. That may not have been the intent, but it is how it came across, and I am not the only one that felt that way.
    I think people are sensitive to things and sometimes read into what people post. I also thought that $25 seemed like a hardcore line in the sand to draw. I can understand saying, "Look, all I can spare right now is $25," which is different from deciding that $25 should absolutely cover a prom dress and no more should be spent -- which is what I heard in that post, and also judgment of anyone who would think one had to spend more. So we all read into things.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ClairesMommy View Post
    Gloria, I have to say that if I was a parent of one of those girls in the pictures, or one of the girls themselves, I would be not impressed that someone posted my or my kid's picture on a public forum without consent. Or, should I presume you got their permission?
    Those pictures weren't anybody I knew, they were pictures that were already posted online from news stories that I just used for an example. One of them was some girls that were sent home from a dance in Mesquite because the school said their dresses were too short and there was a big blow up about it.

    ETA: Though looking at many of the pictures my son's friends have on their FB from the prom there were many girls with similar dresses to those in the picture I posted. I would say at least 50% if not more wore short dresses. Some of them wore dresses that were short in the front and long in the back, that seemed to be the trend this year.
    Last edited by GloriaInTX; 05-14-2013 at 11:01 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlyssaEimers View Post
    If you can afford all of the fancy nice things that go along with prom that is wonderful. It is not a bad thing at all, I think it is a blessing. The overall tone that I got from some of the previous posts, was that you are a bad parent if you can not or will not spend more than $25 on a prom dress. That may not have been the intent, but it is how it came across, and I am not the only one that felt that way.
    a bad parent? Hm. Could you please quote the sentences that you feel are calling people who cannot spend more than $25 on a prom dress bad parents? I'm rather surprised that not just you, but you and others are all getting that same impression and would love to see what specifically is giving you the "bad parent" name calling impression in this debate because I'm really not seeing it.

    Thank you.

    I agree with Laurie 100%.

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    Posting Addict KimPossible's Avatar
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    As a total aside and just meant for chatter, not a debate point...all the dresses here are long now. I haven't seen a short dress for prom in a long time.

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