Thread: Fat Shaming

I am so pissed because I just typed out this really detailed, thoughtful post. And the beast ATE it. Effer.

Anyway.


I have friends who are bipolar. One was on a feeding tube at 14 with an eating disorder. Now at 35 she is on one med which might cause her to gain weight, so her dr gave her topomax (sp) to offset it. The other one is on lithium and is fine, normal weight with no issues. Sweats a lot

The thing that I am curious about is the happy weight.

When I met my husband we went out to eat ALL THE TIME. I was in the LUVZ. I was so happy. I gained like 5 lbs for sure, at least. It was happy weight, and I LOVED IT.

WE got married, went on a honeymoon, it was an all inclusive and baby we ATE AND DRANK IT UP. Happy weight..at least 5 more. Loved the 10.

Now. If I was depressed. ( and I once was depressed, like 20 years ago, and I struggled with HORRIBLE anxiety after my 2nd childs birth, to the point where I sought medication, even though I was nursing...........and I found a solution to my depression through medication and I was grateful, and when I didn't need it anymore I was glad to be done with it).

You don't think some of this pharma stuff might be some HAPPY WEIGHT???

Hm.

I don't know.

I'm no scientist.

I'm no Dr.

But I have been happy. And I've been unhappy. And I can blame my weight on my drugs, or my state of mind. (i.e i'm less inclined to eat when im sad.........if the drugs fix the sad I'm eating up baby )

I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying that I'm curious about this whole idea.

(We are also annoying local meat people, because I 100% agree with you that antibiotics in ones food is super creepy. The whole gut thing is an enigma to me (I'm currently engaged in a study debunking this theory of "leaky gut") but that is neither here or there. )

() Just because I used so many. sorry. ()

I would imagine some is happy weight, I gained some weight after our wedding too. But there are warnings on some drugs (I think wellbutrin) that say weight gain is a side effect. I dont believe people should blame meds, but I think meds is one area where people are really under informed or misinformed on the long term effects they can have on our bodies.

Tylenol for instance, if taken long term can effect our liver. When our liver is off at all it slows our metabolism. Advil effects our stomachs and intestines greatly, thus effecting how our bodies use food.

I dont think meds are going to make or break someones weight. But it is a piece of the puzzle.

I went to a friend's birthday tea on Saturday. I kinda rolled my eyes at going to a tea, but it was nice. I knew about half of the women going in to greater or lesser degrees and the others were new to me.

In the greetings, there was a lot of noticing. Noticing fabulous earrings, noticing new haircuts. There was a lot of noticing about my weight. At 5'6" I weight about 115 lbs. And yes, the women that I knew at this party have known me before I had kids. So from my college weight to the 180 lbs I was with my son, to my way back to where I feel comfortable. Sustainably losing about 8-10 lbs a year.

The guest of honor was the worst offender as far as comments went. But I know that from her it was coming out as a self recrimination about her own weight. I have spent hours and hours hiking trails with her. And then I decided to flip the script. Partly because of this ongoing conversation with y'all.

I dug in and didn't apologize for working out and taking charge of the food that was coming into the house. I talked about how it is a long term lifestyle. Cutting all processed foods, working out, understanding that it would take a while and be a life shift. And now that I am at my happy place with my weight, it was about strength. Overall wellness. Not shrugging my shoulders up to my earlobes all the time.

It was good that I had heard all of this before hand. So thank you. I am much calmer. And instead of me just shutting down, I am proud of myself for stepping into the conversation. Allowing what I do know to be heard instead of just shutting down with an aw, shucks.

But at the end of the day. I feel that if you have seen me gain 65 lbs and then lose it and feel that it's an ok topic to talk about. I will give you what I can.

Hope that makes sense.

I read a couple articles that are currently posted on one of our national news websites. Both are great if you have the time for a read.

Sugar industry's secret documents echo tobacco tactics - Health - CBC News
Food cravings engineered by industry - Health - CBC News

IMO, the only acceptable comment to make about someones weight is 'You look great!'. Under special circumstances, when you know a person has struggled to lose or gain weight it can be followed by 'have you lost (or gained) weight?'. If the person wants to talk about it beyond that, it is their choice. I personally love to have it acknowledged when I lose weight and find it a really positive experience, but its not right to be pushy or condemn someone either way, just because you have struggles.

Originally Posted by ftmom

IMO, the only acceptable comment to make about someones weight is 'You look great!'. Under special circumstances, when you know a person has struggled to lose or gain weight it can be followed by 'have you lost (or gained) weight?'. If the person wants to talk about it beyond that, it is their choice. I personally love to have it acknowledged when I lose weight and find it a really positive experience, but its not right to be pushy or condemn someone either way, just because you have struggles.

Yeah, I agree. This kinda sucked but, I wasn't going to let it turn into the let's-all-say-rude-things-to-the-thin-one's-face-tea-party. So I put on my kind and clear hat and owned my efforts and moved the conversation as far away from ego as I could.

But it was def the "you look great!" first and then the sideways stuff second. And it wasn't just once, multiple little digs, when we had the hostess take a picture of the group, etc. But you know what really does suck about the whole thing? When women run each other down about whatever, it tends to amplify quickly.

A good number of the ladies there are professors, or teachers. Very smart women all around. And there was a moment that really surprised me. The restaurant is lovely and tasteful. Dark wood, interesting china and for the tea, the put out special linens. The table runner had a pattern that resembled a very famous Japanese printmaker's style.

I am an artist, I am also very much in love with Japanese art. So much so that I went to live in Japan for a couple of years so I could gain a deeper understanding of it.

One of the ladies was trying to find the printmaker's name in her head and I said that it was Hokusai. She ignored me and went on to say. . . "It starts with an H?" Again, I said, "you are thinking of Hokusai - he did In the Heart of the Deep Sea Wave. It began a school of printmaking." She kept on trying to think of who it could be.

The two art professors, confirmed that she was thinking of Hokusai and then she accepted it.

I have to wonder if my intellectual credibility was somehow discounted by the comments on my appearance. She did want to talk about health and fitness with me, but perish the thought that I would know about anything academic. Sheesh.

I never, ever comment on anyones weight. Their scarf? Their awesome shoes? All the dang time. Their weight? NEVER. I don't want to play into the idea that weight loss is the end all be all. I lost weight that I didn't need to lose when I broke my hip and I was terribly ashamed by it and self conscious about it ~ I hated it. It was NOT a good thing, it was terrible. Again, I don't care if someone was grotesquely overweight and lost weight, I won't comment on it unless they publicly are talking about their weight loss, even then I will say something like "I'm so proud of you for the commitment you have made to your health ~ you are inspirational" etc.....NOT good for you for losing weight.

I totally agree with you Melis. A very good friend of mine lost about 80 lbs, through diet and exercise, she looks great. But the things people would say to her were horrible. She is now living in Texas and very happy that no one there has ever seen her when she was bigger

Another reason it's not always a good idea to say something: a friend of mine once lost a lot of weight because she was very depressed. She actually didn't look good, to me, because I knew her so well and she just looked small and unhappy, but people kept telling her she looked great and finally after the 18th person asked, "What did you do?" she cracked and said, "I got really depressed and stopped eating."

I'll only say something if I can tell the person is happy about it. I lost 40 pounds about a year & a half ago and loved all the compliments. I've since gained about 15-20 back, as my willpower and my happiness went out the window when my Mom got sick, but I remember how happy I was feeling in control of my eating and my body and I want to get that back. It's not about the numbers, it's about how I felt. I loved feeling healthy and trim. Since I can't control the eating yet, I'm doing lots of yoga.

But yes...be careful before you say something. And I hate the implication that the person was ugly or unattractive prior to weight loss.

I've always joked that "Have you lost weight?!" is another way of saying "Didn't you used to be fatter? I remember you as fatter..."

I'm another one that doesn't bring up weight unless the person brings it up first, or at least I know them well enough to know that it will be well received (like, I know that they have been actively working to lose weight and are proud of their accomplishments.)