Fluff - If a Woman Buys Her Own Engagement Ring...
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Thread: Fluff - If a Woman Buys Her Own Engagement Ring...

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    Default Fluff - If a Woman Buys Her Own Engagement Ring...

    I don't know about the rest of you, but I need a small break from grinding my teeth over the shutdown.

    Women are buying their own engagement rings. Why not just skip the tradition entirely?

    The attempts of Americans to reconcile their infatuation with traditional wedding rituals and the realities of their daily lives are an endlessly amusing exercise in cognitive dissonance. Sure, let your dad give you away, even though you haven't answered to his paternal authority for more than a decade. Why not have a bachelorette party decorated with penises, as if we're teasing a virginal bride who has never seen one in real life? And, yes, the man should be responsible for buying that engagement ring, even though his wife-to-be makes more money.

    Oh wait, what's that? Women are buying their own engagement rings, or at least splitting the costs?


    Yes, according to the Cut and the Knot, there is an increasing willingness on the part of engaged couples to split the costs of the engagement ring, which comports generally with our 21st-century approach to family finances, in which both parties have jobs and therefore both contribute to the pot. Nearly half the respondents to a Today poll said they would share the costs of an engagement ring?a number I suspect would rise if they were told by their groom-to-be that it's either share the costs or go without a diamond to wave triumphantly under every nose you encounter.


    Of course, the entire thing brings up an uncomfortable existential dilemma: Is it really an engagement ring if you bought it yourself? The whole point of the engagement ring is that it's a gift, meant to demonstrate the level of a man's commitment. When you shake your hand meaningfully at people with your ring, you're showing off how invested he is, moneywise, in claiming you for his bride-to-be. (He doesn't need to demonstrate how committed you are to him. It's just assumed women's commitment is assured, and they are indeed slobberingly grateful to be selected for the high honor of being someone's personal sandwich-maker.) Paying for it yourself, even just half of it, renders the entire gesture meaningless. It's not a demonstration of his fealty anymore. Does the engagement ring that isn't a down payment on a future commitment even shine as brightly?


    What all this demonstrates is that it's high time to end the tradition of the engagement ring, along with other wedding rituals that are built on the assumption that a bride is dependent and virginal. The entire discourse about women having to "snag" a husband and obtain expensive totems of his commitment to hold him in place before the actual wedding is offensive to both genders. Women provide for themselves now. Instead of hanging onto these sexist, retrograde wedding traditions, why not make up some new ones that reflect our modern era? The new tradition of announcing your engagement through a photo shoot that emphasizes your already-enjoyable life together is a lot more cost-effective and reflects what people's actual romantic lives are like better than an old-fashioned engagement ring. More of that, please.
    Debate questions: Is it really an "engagement ring" if you buy it yourself? Are the engagement ring and other wedding traditions outdated and even offensive to modern couples?
    -Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)

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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alissa_Sal View Post
    Debate questions: Is it really an "engagement ring" if you buy it yourself? Are the engagement ring and other wedding traditions outdated and even offensive to modern couples?
    I would have expected to pay part of my engagement ring, neither of us made a lot of money. As it is, I have my MIL's rings as DH's dad died when he was 3.

    There are traditions that I think are outdated and may be offensive to some but I go with whatever the happy couple want to do. We paid for our wedding, my dad did not give me away, Sean and I walked down the aisle together (which really bothered my one sister). Personally I think the big, expensive wedding is offensive as I believe the money could go to much better things but that is not my decision to make.
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    "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss

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    I am not what many of you would consider a modern couple I loved getting my engagement ring though.

    ~Bonita~

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    Quote Originally Posted by mom2robbie View Post
    I would have expected to pay part of my engagement ring, neither of us made a lot of money. As it is, I have my MIL's rings as DH's dad died when he was 3.

    There are traditions that I think are outdated and may be offensive to some but I go with whatever the happy couple want to do. We paid for our wedding, my dad did not give me away, Sean and I walked down the aisle together (which really bothered my one sister). Personally I think the big, expensive wedding is offensive as I believe the money could go to much better things but that is not my decision to make.
    OT -

    ~Bonita~

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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlyssaEimers View Post
    I am not what many of you would consider a modern couple I loved getting my engagement ring though.
    I loved getting mine too. It was kind of funny as Sean had not even seen the rings, his mom got them out of the safety deposit box and took us out to dinner. Needless to say, most of my dinner went home in a doggie bag
    Margaret (44)
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    Robbie (8 )
    Bailey (April 2, 2011)


    "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss

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    Posting Addict ClairesMommy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alissa_Sal View Post
    Debate questions: Is it really an "engagement ring" if you buy it yourself? Are the engagement ring and other wedding traditions outdated and even offensive to modern couples?
    Nope, I don't consider a ring you buy yourself to be an 'engagement' ring. Nobody's 'engaging' you to do anything, other than yourself. It's a pretty gift to yourself, nothing more IMO. I don't consider rings bought the traditional way (man buys for woman) to even really be 'gifts'. IMO, they are a symbol of a contract that's been entered into - the contemplation of marriage - and aren't a woman's to keep, UNLESS....she buys it herself

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    I'm good for people not getting them at all.

    I'm good with buying your spouse to be a ring too as a gift from you.

    Buying your own ring seems icky to me. I totally view mine as a gift from dh. I didn't expect one but I wouldn't have bought my own.

    To each his own though.
    Mom to Elizabeth (6) and Corinne (4)

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    Apple Crisp
    Last edited by Jessica80; 10-02-2013 at 02:01 PM.
    Spacers likes this.
    Mom to Elizabeth (6) and Corinne (4)

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    Posting Addict GloriaInTX's Avatar
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    It isn't just an engagement ring it turns into a wedding ring. In fact most of the time they are sold as a set. For many women it is a ring that they wear for the majority of their life and is very symbolic. So I don't think its that big of a deal for a woman to contribute to the cost if she wants to, she may think it is worth it to get something nice that he maybe couldn't afford on his own. Unless you keep separate bank accounts it all eventually comes out of the same pooled resources anyway. I think many people these days pick it out together.
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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    I see engagement rings as an outdated, paternalistic, patriarchal tradition. I didn't need a symbol to show the world that I was off the market and I didn't need my guy to prove how much he loved me by how big a rock he could put on my finger. If an engagement ring is what you want to do, I'm OK with it because it's your life & I love looking at bling as much as anyone else. But IMHO if your guy needs your financial help to get the ring of your dreams, then maybe you should be getting something smaller, or maybe a faux rock instead of real, and start your married life on a good financial footing instead of having years of payments or no savings.

    For our wedding, if it had happened, we were each going to walk in with our parents, DH first, and then me. And I cringe every time I hear the "who gives this woman" thing. I can't believe anyone still does that. The only person who can give a woman to her marriage is herself.
    David Letterman is retiring. Such great memories of watching him over the past thirty-two years!

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