Friends and their decisions.

76 posts / 0 new
Last post
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780
Friends and their decisions.

One of your best friends reveals that they are having an affair with a married man. This friend is recently divorced due to her exDH's infidelity. She is seeing not just any married man, but one with three young children, including 1 year old twins.

Do you stay friends with your friend? Do you, even if she continues the affair? Do you tell her the total, honest truth about how you feel and maintain the friendship?

Discuss.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 08/05/06
Posts: 441

That scenario literally makes my stomach turn. How awful... Can we have more information? Is this man separated from his wife or does he somehow magically have time to carry on an affair in addition to a marriage and raise three young children? I need to think more about this one. Sad

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

No, not separated. Still living together. He is "a really good guy" just "really unhappy" in his marriage. Wife does not know, theoretically.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 08/05/06
Posts: 441

"Potter75" wrote:

No, not separated. Still living together. He is "a really good guy" just "really unhappy" in his marriage. Wife does not know, theoretically.

Yes, he sounds like a real winner. It would depend how long we had been friends, but this would seriously change our friendship if not end it. If it was a close friend, I think I would try having a real heart to heart about how unacceptable I thought this was and how she needed to not participate in tearing another family apart the way that hers was. Does the friend have kids? If so, I think she's setting a terrible example. If she was an acquaintance, I would just stop calling her, I think.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

Oh dear, I have 3 young ones including 1 yr old twins... :eek:

But I personally would tell her my thoughts in her needing to stop that relationship immediately. If they felt they couldn't, I know that I would have a very hard time getting past this knowledge because of my personal morals and convictions. I would most likely step away until the relationship ended, if it ever ends. I would feel absolutely horrible for his wife, especially understanding how difficult it is getting through the earliest years with multiples and knowing couples with multiples tend to have a higher divorce rate because of the additional stress.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"CalBearInBoston" wrote:

Yes, he sounds like a real winner. It would depend how long we had been friends, but this would seriously change our friendship if not end it. If it was a close friend, I think I would try having a real heart to heart about how unacceptable I thought this was and how she needed to not participate in tearing another family apart the way that hers was. Does the friend have kids? If so, I think she's setting a terrible example. If she was an acquaintance, I would just stop calling her, I think.

Lets just say that in this *totally theoretical situation*, it was someone who was one of your best friends, and yes, they also had children, but shared custody.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 08/05/06
Posts: 441

I have to add that this is the second or third time this week where I've had a deep breath moment and realized that I am in fact truly an adult and have to deal with adult situations. I am no longer 20 years old with the problems of a 20 year old. I am not ready for my friends to be divorcing (most of my friends from college aren't married yet, so we haven't hit the divorce period) or having affairs with married men. Ugh.

Offline
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

That whole situation is just awful Sad

I think I would say something. I can't imagine standing by and watching that. Eventually it will all fall apart and so many people will get hurt.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1626

I would tell her my feelings that I believe it's wrong on every level to be in this kind of relationship. After that, I would remain her friend, but that subject would be off limits for conversation.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 08/05/06
Posts: 441

"Potter75" wrote:

Lets just say that in this *totally theoretical situation*, it was someone who was one of your best friends, and yes, they also had children, but shared custody with a STB ex-DH.

I would sit down and talk about the reality of the situation and first and foremost what this would do to her kids and this man's kids. It's one thing to pretend that the wife is a jerk and keeping him in an unhappy marriage and it's something else entirely to pretend that this move is in the best interest of the kids. I think that's how I would play this. I hope I'm never in this situation, though...

momW's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

Lost good friend two years ago over something similar. Tough situation to be in but my conscience just couldn't take it. It broke my heart and turned my stomach. I talked to her and she spent the whole time justifying why it was okay because he wasn't happy blah blah blah.

mommytoMR.FACE's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 3 months ago
Joined: 04/10/09
Posts: 781

I personally cannot handle really bad decisions that friends make. Most of the time I just stop talking to them, because their dysfunctional life style turn me off and bring me down. It sounds harsh but I'm being honest. If it was me in this situation, I would keep a long distance from the friend, or let it dwindle and be over.:shrug:

MommyJannah's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
Joined: 08/25/08
Posts: 109

"mommytoMR.FACE" wrote:

I personally cannot handle really bad decisions that friends make. Most of the time I just stop talking to them, because their dysfunctional life style turn me off and bring me down. It sounds harsh but I'm being honest. If it was me in this situation, I would keep a long distance from the friend, or let it dwindle and be over.:shrug:

Yes ma'am. If someone is determined to screw themselves or someone else up/over, that's the point where I bow out. I think my first question would be 'You've been in this situation as the WIFE ... WHY would you do that to another woman?' If he's that unhappy, he needs to leave. If he can't leave, why would she continue to be someones mistress? The thought of him bedding her and then going home to his wife to do her gives me the heebie jeebies.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/14/09
Posts: 624

Most of my friends know how I feel about cheating so they would probably hide it from me.

If I did find out though, I would tell my friend that as much as I love her, I can't support her behaviour, but I will be there for her when the situation is finished.

GloriaInTX's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 weeks 1 hour ago
Joined: 07/29/08
Posts: 4229

Having been in that situation there is no way I could be around someone who was currently engaging in that behavior. Maybe we could be friends again after the situation has been resolved in some way, but not while it is currently happening. That is also why I could never be friends with my ex's wife. I know that he is just as much or more to blame as her, but I could still never be friends with someone that was willing to sleep around with someone that is married. I am polite to her for my kid's sake, but we could never be friends. I don't know how people do it that are able to associate with their ex's new wife like it is one big happy family.

fuchsiasky's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 months 1 week ago
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 959

I would have a really hard time respecting someone who would do that. And I would not call someone that I do not respect a friend. I would probably have some very honest words for that person and they I would have to walk away. (Unless of course they heard me and decided to change the situation). I couldn't watch someone lie and tear apart a family. I just don't have it in me.

culturedmom's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"blather" wrote:

Most of my friends know how I feel about cheating so they would probably hide it from me.

If I did find out though, I would tell my friend that as much as I love her, I can't support her behaviour, but I will be there for her when the situation is finished.

Yep, this. as sad as it wouldbe,I could no longer be around soemone like that and pretend everyday that it didn't bother me.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

I would be able to remain friends with the person. I'm not perfect, and while I loathe this particular action.decision, I believe that this is a sign that a friend could be in trouble, honestly (emotionally, addiction wise, etc), and see part of being a good (best?) friend a little like being a spouse. Some relationships are "for better or for worse" at this point in my life (at 35 years old...many of my best friends have been just that for much longer than my husband has been my husband!). I don't turn my back on my friends who I believe need help, even when I don't necessarily agree with their decisions. I have been through hard times, and felt lucky and blessed when my friends did not turn their back on me. I think that them believing in me often gave me the strength and confidence that I needed to make better choices in those moments. I would never support that "relationship" in any way, lie for either one, meet "him", and will be honest with a friend in this situation that a "good guy" would never do such a thing, that she is being foolish and wrong and stupid, I would force her to think about the children, and the wife, and what this was like from the other end.....but it looks like I am the lone dissenter because I would not terminate a friendship over it. I think that doing so could only encourage the friend to become more self destructive or make worse decisions as they dealt with more and more abandonment.

LiveFreeOrDie's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 09/15/05
Posts: 115

"Potter75" wrote:

I would be able to remain friends with the person. I'm not perfect, and while I loathe this particular action.decision, I believe that this is a sign that a friend could be in trouble, honestly (emotionally, addiction wise, etc), and see part of being a good (best?) friend a little like being a spouse. Some relationships are "for better or for worse" at this point in my life (at 35 years old...many of my best friends have been just that for much longer than my husband has been my husband!). I don't turn my back on my friends who I believe need help, even when I don't necessarily agree with their decisions. I have been through hard times, and felt lucky and blessed when my friends did not turn their back on me. I think that them believing in me often gave me the strength and confidence that I needed to make better choices in those moments. I would never support that "relationship" in any way, lie for either one, meet "him", and will be honest with a friend in this situation that a "good guy" would never do such a thing, that she is being foolish and wrong and stupid, I would force her to think about the children, and the wife, and what this was like from the other end.....but it looks like I am the lone dissenter because I would not terminate a friendship over it. I think that doing so could only encourage the friend to become more self destructive or make worse decisions as they dealt with more and more abandonment.

I'm with you. So with you.

And it would be super painful, because I have been cheated on, and no how much it kills. AND, I don't think I'm incapable myself, and would need the same accountability and forgiveness if I were ever to do something so unbelievably wrong and harmful. Basically, human beings are all capable of being awful. Forgiveness is life-changing...for all of us.

ftmom's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 5 months ago
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

"Potter75" wrote:

I would be able to remain friends with the person. I'm not perfect, and while I loathe this particular action.decision, I believe that this is a sign that a friend could be in trouble, honestly (emotionally, addiction wise, etc), and see part of being a good (best?) friend a little like being a spouse. Some relationships are "for better or for worse" at this point in my life (at 35 years old...many of my best friends have been just that for much longer than my husband has been my husband!). I don't turn my back on my friends who I believe need help, even when I don't necessarily agree with their decisions. I have been through hard times, and felt lucky and blessed when my friends did not turn their back on me. I think that them believing in me often gave me the strength and confidence that I needed to make better choices in those moments. I would never support that "relationship" in any way, lie for either one, meet "him", and will be honest with a friend in this situation that a "good guy" would never do such a thing, that she is being foolish and wrong and stupid, I would force her to think about the children, and the wife, and what this was like from the other end.....but it looks like I am the lone dissenter because I would not terminate a friendship over it. I think that doing so could only encourage the friend to become more self destructive or make worse decisions as they dealt with more and more abandonment.

This. I actually think that when people are in a really bad relationship the worst thing you can do as a friend is abandon them. Then all they are left with is 'him', which just forces them to cling harder to the relationship and overlook even more bad things.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 5 months ago
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

"momW" wrote:

Lost good friend two years ago over something similar. Tough situation to be in but my conscience just couldn't take it. It broke my heart and turned my stomach. I talked to her and she spent the whole time justifying why it was okay because he wasn't happy blah blah blah.

Bolded is key. I think that you *can* sit down and talk about how much you disapprove of your friends decisions, but be prepared for the fact that at best, you probably wont change their decisions, and at worst, you will probably lose the friendship. I think that a more loving approach is the better course if you wish to save the friendship.

I think that in this situation, I would remain friends with the person. I m not saying that I would be supportive of the relationship or the cheating, and I think I would try to help my friend figure out that everyone involved (including, or maybe especially her) deserved much better, but I dont think that I would approach it from a place of condemnation. Everyone makes mistakes, and honestly, I know what its like to be abandoned by a friend over a mistake. Melissa is right, if anything, it makes you more self destructive, not less. I would try to approach it from a position of love and support, not anger or condemnation.

LiveFreeOrDie's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 09/15/05
Posts: 115

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

Bolded is key. I think that you *can* sit down and talk about how much you disapprove of your friends decisions, but be prepared for the fact that at best, you probably wont change their decisions, and at worst, you will probably lose the friendship. I think that a more loving approach is the better course if you wish to save the friendship.

I think that in this situation, I would remain friends with the person. I m not saying that I would be supportive of the relationship or the cheating, and I think I would try to help my friend figure out that everyone involved (including, or maybe especially her) deserved much better, but I dont think that I would approach it from a place of condemnation. Everyone makes mistakes, and honestly, I know what its like to be abandoned by a friend over a mistake. Melissa is right, if anything, it makes you more self destructive, not less. I would try to approach it from a position of love and support, not anger or condemnation.

YES.

I totally agree with this.

Andy1784's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 9 months ago
Joined: 09/18/08
Posts: 1372

I am trying to put myself into that place and honestly I would have a hard time being around that friend and act like everything is ok. That doesn't mean I would write them off as a friend though. If they were a very close friend I would try to talk with them without attacking because chances are they need help and that may not come out initially. If any of my very close friends were in that situation it would mean that something is seriously wrong in their lives in general.

If they continued to be this way long term I think I would end up distancing myself from them.

Rivergallery's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 05/23/03
Posts: 1301

I could in no way remain friends with someone who thought doing this was ok. I would tell her once I thought it was wrong, and I would have to distance myself from her till she changed or he got a divorce.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"Rivergallery" wrote:

I could in no way remain friends with someone who thought doing this was ok. I would tell her once I thought it was wrong, and I would have to distance myself from her till she changed or he got a divorce.

That seems strange to me since you are such good buddies with your gay friend yet you abhor his choices and feel that he is living in sin. Why is her sin worse than his? How did you determine this, since it surely says no such thing in the Bible?

Rivergallery's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 05/23/03
Posts: 1301

I didn't say her sin was worse. I just couldn't be friends with her, it would hurt me too much emotionally. It is more my inability than the level of sin. ALL sin is equal to God, not sure what about that ENTIRE previous thread you didn't get.

Offline
Last seen: 4 years 3 months ago
Joined: 06/26/02
Posts: 20

I too was in a similar situation. It was horrible. But she was the married one. She knew how I felt. And she felt bad but couldn't stop. Anyways I stayed friends with her, she needed someone to lean on. She wasn't a horrible person, she just made a horrible decision. I voiced my opinion gently every time the topic came up. Eventually she told her husband and got divorced.

If I was in the OP postion I would probably introduce her to some cute single guys. I'd even go do 'the bar scene" even though I hate it, just to remind her that there ARE other guys out there. That's how I would support her. And I hope that married guy gets his act together.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"Rivergallery" wrote:

I didn't say her sin was worse. I just couldn't be friends with her, it would hurt me too much emotionally. It is more my inability than the level of sin. ALL sin is equal to God, not sure what about that ENTIRE previous thread you didn't get.

No need to be snarky. I don't think that anything about your stance on this makes any sense, (from the good close gay friend who knows you condemn him to hell yet pals around with you, to you leaving a friend for sinning in this situation), according to Jesus. Jesus didn't turn his back on the prostitute at the well, did he?

Anyway, you probably can't explain it to me, I just wanted to point out what I see as your total, utter, hypocritical stance when it comes to you personally judging sin, rather than letting God.

Off to bed, night night.

Rivergallery's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 05/23/03
Posts: 1301

I just did explain it.

momW's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

Bolded is key. I think that you *can* sit down and talk about how much you disapprove of your friends decisions, but be prepared for the fact that at best, you probably wont change their decisions, and at worst, you will probably lose the friendship. I think that a more loving approach is the better course if you wish to save the friendship.

Unfortunately, I just couldn't handle hearing about her "new man". I knew his wife too and she was just a sweet, sweet woman. And you know how it is when you're in a relationship, especially a new one, you want to talk and dote on your man. I asked her to please not discuss it with me and we basically just drifted apart. It wasn't that I went off on her or anything, but hearing about him stepping out on his wife and kids just rolled my stomach and I guess she just couldn't not talk about him so here we are. It makes me sad to have lost her as a friend, maybe someday she will understand why I just couldn't hear about it. I've stood by friends who've made even worse decisions than that or are in more trouble than an affair with a married man.

daniellevmt's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 07/25/06
Posts: 213

If I'm close enough with someone to call them my best friend, it's obvious to me that this friend isn't a bad enough person to leave behind, but just that she's making a bad decision. I can't sit here and promise that in time it wouldn't change my opinion of them and that our friendship wouldn't change because of it, but at the onset of the situation, I would be honest with her but I'd be there for her.

mom3girls's picture
Offline
Last seen: 11 months 2 weeks ago
Joined: 01/09/07
Posts: 1537

I just dealt with a very similar situation (still dealing with it really) The hard part for me is that I know the guy and his wife, and this is not the first time he has cheated on his wife. I told my friend exactly what I thought of her actions in this situation and then let it go unless she asked a question about the guy I didnt say anything more. After talking to me she told him they had to be on hold until he got a divorce, but I am pretty sure they were still talking.
About a week ago she found out that she is not his only mistress, and she is broken. As much as I dislike what she did I know that she needs some one to love her and support her so that she doesnt do something stupid like this again.

bunnyfufu's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 10/21/05
Posts: 203

This is going to come out *****y. I just can't help it.

Of course I care deeply for my friends and the choices they make. They affect me, my family, my social circle. But, I feel like there are a large number of people who want my attention who do not actually affect my life.

We are all REALLY busy. We are all really wrapped up in our thoughts. At the end of the day, if it affects me and my family, I care.

In the year I was born, the average $ for a house was 29K.

That is more on my mind than some idiot focusing on their libido. Priorities matter. But at the end of the day it comes down to what you have time to care about.

My friend who is f-ing around. . .I don't care about so much. We don't have that much in common to begin with. meh

culturedmom's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 1 month ago
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"Potter75" wrote:

I would be able to remain friends with the person. I'm not perfect, and while I loathe this particular action.decision, I believe that this is a sign that a friend could be in trouble, honestly (emotionally, addiction wise, etc), and see part of being a good (best?) friend a little like being a spouse. Some relationships are "for better or for worse" at this point in my life (at 35 years old...many of my best friends have been just that for much longer than my husband has been my husband!). I don't turn my back on my friends who I believe need help, even when I don't necessarily agree with their decisions. I have been through hard times, and felt lucky and blessed when my friends did not turn their back on me. I think that them believing in me often gave me the strength and confidence that I needed to make better choices in those moments. I would never support that "relationship" in any way, lie for either one, meet "him", and will be honest with a friend in this situation that a "good guy" would never do such a thing, that she is being foolish and wrong and stupid, I would force her to think about the children, and the wife, and what this was like from the other end.....but it looks like I am the lone dissenter because I would not terminate a friendship over it. I think that doing so could only encourage the friend to become more self destructive or make worse decisions as they dealt with more and more abandonment.

I think that is a great and mature attitude to have and in theory I would agree. But I could either answre the question truthfully on what I would probably do or answer the question based on theory. For me the problem is not so much the cheating, (I don't think I would leave a freind for cheating even though I would be against it) but the chidlren that are being hurt and torn apart by her actions. I just have a soft spot for children in this kind of situation because I can relate to what they are/will be going through. And I can't let that go or pretend everytime I see that friend, that that isn't going to bother me so much that it causes me pain. That is just the reality. Maybe it's abit dramatic, but IMO the friend is not just cheating but hurting children. I'm not saying that that makes her the worst person on the face of the earth or a person who is unworthy of friendship or should be ostracized. I just know that I am not the kind of friend who could overlook that. So that says more about me then her I guess, and maybe one day I might feel different. And maybe that makes me a bad friend. But that is just how it is.

That said, I will say that you obviously have had vrey close freindships in your life. The way you describe freindship as kind of like a spousal relationship I think illustrates how you see that kind of relationship. For me, I don't have freinds like that. I have a best friend and have had best friends in my life. But the only person I have been that close of a friend to where I cna say it is almost spousal like is....well...my spouse. We were freinds in grade school. Best friends in high school. Dated in high school and college. Then got married. So it is outside fo my experience to think of someone other then Dh in that way. So I am sure that has a lot to do with the way our answers differ.

Minx_Kristi's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

I've been in this situation since just before Christmas. Although the couple aren't married and they have no kids.

It's been awful. Mainly because I am friends with both girls, so trying to be there for both has been very very hard.

My friend who did the cheating with the guy, I have been friends with for years. I would never fall out with her over this, but I am very honest and vocal about my feelings. Basically, she knows what I think and respects that.

She is now pregnant with his child (7 weeks) and he doesn;t want to know. I told her karma is a b*tch.

xx

carg0612's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 09/23/09
Posts: 1554

I think I understand where Potter75 is coming from. I haven't been in a situation exactly like this but I did have a BFF who was making some pretty bad decisions. I let her know how I felt and that I disagreed with her choices but that I still loved her and wanted what was best for her.

For my support she chose to release our friendship. She could not understand why I disagreed with her and she decided she'd rather surround herself with like minded individuals and if I was not like minded I could not be a part of her life.

We had been friends since childhood and her choice to destroy our relationship over a disagreement with her life choices was pretty devastating to me and has admittedly affected how readily (or not) I make friends.

So I guess my point is that as a person whose friendship was thrown away I know the value a good friend can be. If a friendship is trully worth holding on to then both parties can be honest with each other while remaining respectful. What this woman has done is wrong, no doubt, and I would certianly tell my feelings.

As Potter75 says though, I would also feel that my friend needs some support and hopefully will accept some guidance towards making better decisions. I also would not condone or "help" the relationship in any way. And my abandoning her might send her into a more self-destructive pattern of choices.

fuchsiasky's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 months 1 week ago
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 959

In thinking on this more there are a couple of friends where it would be worth it to me to stick by them, but they are my best friends. People that I have stuck by through thick and thin. But neither of them are they type of person who would do that. It is one of the reasons we are such good friends is that our ethics are very similar and on these big things like this we tend to agree. If either of them did that it would be extremely out of character. They are very honest people. So if they were in that situation something would probably quite wrong so I would want to help them through that to get back to being themselves.

But besides them most of my friends are more the social aquaintance type. And if they were doing something like that I would have a really hard time standing by and watching. Right now I know someone who is being a deadbeat dad and it is going to cost him my friendship. I have lost respect for him because of it. How can I be friends with someone who I have no respect for? I just can't do it. If we do not connect on basic morals and ethics then why are we friends?

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

But neither of them are they type of person who would do that. It is one of the reasons we are such good friends is that our ethics are very similar and on these big things like this we tend to agree. If either of them did that it would be extremely out of character. They are very honest people. So if they were in that situation something would probably quite wrong so I would want to help them through that to get back to being themselves.

Meh, I don't really think that you can ever say that about anyone with 100% certainty. THrow in lots of external chaos (say, addiction, or a divorce, or a sudden shocking death of a loved one) and who knows. Aren't you living with someone and having children with someone who isn't divorced yet? Or do I have you confused with someone else (if I do, my apologies).

fuchsiasky's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 months 1 week ago
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 959

"Potter75" wrote:

Meh, I don't really think that you can ever say that about anyone with 100% certainty. THrow in lots of external chaos (say, addiction, or a divorce, or a sudden shocking death of a loved one) and who knows. Aren't you living with someone and having children with someone who isn't divorced yet? Or do I have you confused with someone else (if I do, my apologies).

That is me. I am not sure what that has to do with anything though given that they split up 5 years before I even met my partner. And she broke it off with him and promptly got into a relationship with his best friend.

Yes, people change, but I do feel that there are certain ethics that can be core to a person and that these are usually things that do not change. Or if they do change it is a for some big reason.

I am really waffling on this one. There are people in my life that I would be there for no matter what. They are like family to me. And then there are those who I wouldn't have it in me to support through such a thing. Maybe that is the difference to me - I would do anything for family and my best friends are family to me. The other friends are not close enough for me to want to compromise my ethics to support them in something that I feel is very wrong.

Offline
Last seen: 2 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

That is me. I am not sure what that has to do with anything though given that they split up 5 years before I even met my partner. And she broke it off with him and promptly got into a relationship with his best friend.

Yes, people change, but I do feel that there are certain ethics that can be core to a person and that these are usually things that do not change. Or if they do change it is a for some big reason.

I am really waffling on this one. There are people in my life that I would be there for no matter what. They are like family to me. And then there are those who I wouldn't have it in me to support through such a thing. Maybe that is the difference to me - I would do anything for family and my best friends are family to me. The other friends are not close enough for me to want to compromise my ethics to support them in something that I feel is very wrong.

My point was that you originally said that you could never respect someone who "could do that". Then you said that NONE of your friends could ever "do something like that" because they have such similar morals as you. My point was that, to some, the morality of making home and children with a man who is still married to someone else, may not be all that far off from this awful, terrible, immoral thing that my hypothetical friend is doing.

But neither of them are they type of person who would do that. It is one of the reasons we are such good friends is that our ethics are very similar and on these big things like this we tend to agree. If either of them did that it would be extremely out of character. They are very honest people.

I just disagree with this portion, strongly.

I have friends who married people never, ever guessing that they would become alcoholics. Should they have known better, because you believe that peoples character can't change? I have friends who married men never believing that the man was capable of cheating on them. Should they have known better? Maybe I'm just getting old, or my friends are getting to this place (all between 5 and 10 years of marriage) where we DO see people change. I just am not as certain as you that we should all be so able to see down the road and declare our loved ones as incapable or moral corruption as you seem to feel that your close friends are. Life is long, and big things do happen, a lot, and people do change as a result of them.

fuchsiasky's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 months 1 week ago
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 959

As I said I am truely waffling on this one. The more I think about it the less I know where I stand. I don't see my very good friends as doing something like that. And if I did then we probably wouldn't be friends in the first place. But you are right in that you never know what someone will do. For the friends that are as close family I have suck by through some really rough times and I wouldn't walk on them. But they are family to me. I feel it is different than my social friends.

But would I end a friendship if the person was doing something that made me lose respect for them? If they were doing something that made me ill to think about it? Yes I would. I am doing so now with the deadbeat dad. I feel ill in his presence. What kind of friend would I be if I stuck around? I would feel dishonest being his friend because I would have to ignore the issue.

momW's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

"Potter75" wrote:

My point was that you originally said that you could never respect someone who "could do that". Then you said that NONE of your friends could ever "do something like that" because they have such similar morals as you. My point was that, to some, the morality of making home and children with a man who is still married to someone else, may not be all that far off from this awful, terrible, immoral thing that my hypothetical friend is doing.

I just disagree with this portion, strongly.

I have friends who married people never, ever guessing that they would become alcoholics. Should they have known better, because you believe that peoples character can't change? I have friends who married men never believing that the man was capable of cheating on them. Should they have known better? Maybe I'm just getting old, or my friends are getting to this place (all between 5 and 10 years of marriage) where we DO see people change. I just am not as certain as you that we should all be so able to see down the road and declare our loved ones as incapable or moral corruption as you seem to feel that your close friends are. Life is long, and big things do happen, a lot, and people do change as a result of them.

I do agree strongly with the second paragraph. we too are getting to the point where most of our friends have been married for 5+ years, it'll be 8 years for DH and I this year, and I've seen some friends change quite drastically over the years and marriages that I considered rock solid fall apart. I said in one thread that I wouldn't consider my DH capable of cheating on me but it by no means doesn't mean it won't or can't happen.

I do agree to that I have best friends, sisters really, that a scenario like that in the OP would't tear us apart.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

No I don't think I could. I wouldn't be mean to that person, but our relationship would not be the same because of what they were doing and I just couldn't be chummy with them.

LiveFreeOrDie's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 09/15/05
Posts: 115

"Potter75" wrote:

Meh, I don't really think that you can ever say that about anyone with 100% certainty. THrow in lots of external chaos (say, addiction, or a divorce, or a sudden shocking death of a loved one) and who knows. Aren't you living with someone and having children with someone who isn't divorced yet? Or do I have you confused with someone else (if I do, my apologies).

Yeah, I agree with Melis. What BS that you have friends that have "similar ethics" who wouldn't do this. Many of us have similar ethics, and are still capable of really bad behavior at different points in our lives. We are human.

I have been trying to sermonate on Luke 7:36-50. This is good fodder.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1626

More ditto's of Melis and Robin. I'm sure we'd all be surprised to know who of our friends may have been, or is in a situation as complicated as an extra-marital affair. Regardless of morals, ethics, whatever. I think most often these things are hidden rather than revealed, even in the strictest confidence. So, no one can really say who would or wouldn't do this. And if someone is deciding to confide in their best friend (as per the OP) it must be from a place of much confusion, isolation and desperation even. That's the time when a friend is most needed.

mommytoMR.FACE's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 3 months ago
Joined: 04/10/09
Posts: 781

To be even more honest, most of these bad decisions are made with the knowledge that they are bad. I don't have time to coddle, reprimand, be a shoulder, etc. anymore

A girl I used to be friends with decided to separate with her husband, and within a week she was making out with a new guy friend in front of her 3 year old. Her 3 year old screamed, "That's my mommy!" When she told me that, I was done. I completely cut off all contact.

She knew it wasn't the right thing to do, and I sure as hell am not going to sit down and have some sort of heart to heart with a person that decided to go against her own good judgment. It would be like talking to a brick wall. If she can't act like a mature and responsible adult for the sake of her kid, she def won't listen to me.

Perhaps I'm a bit numb because my so called friends normally whine and cry to me and I am that shoulder a lot, and I tell them what to do, and they continue to stay in the same situation. I'm tired of it.

Oh, and ex-friend ended up reuniting with her husband (after they both had sex with other people).

ftmom's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 5 months ago
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

"fuchsiasky" wrote:

That is me. I am not sure what that has to do with anything though given that they split up 5 years before I even met my partner. And she broke it off with him and promptly got into a relationship with his best friend.

I just need to throw in an aside here that you need to get your partner to officially divorce his wife. I am looking at this from a legal standpoint, not moral, as I dont really see what you are doing as that morally wrong. However, my husband is RCMP in BC and he has dealt with (more often than you would expect) people who for whatever reason dont get officially divorced and then years later the spouse comes back and decides to take something without asking (steal) from their ex and there is no legal recourse because technically whatever your partner owns is common property with his wife.

Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
Joined: 10/22/06
Posts: 1033

I don't think I would end the friendship, per se, but it would probably change things between us for the time being. If the friend was willing to confide in me, I assume they need some support and realize what they are doing may not be the right decision. As long as they are trying to work through things and get their life in order (i.e. realizing their self-destructive behavior, thinking about both sets of children in the situation, etc), then I don't see why we wouldn't continue to be friends. No one is perfect. People make mistakes. I would do my best to be supportive of heading in a more healthy direction.

SoxyToo's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/19/10
Posts: 44

I probably wouldn't end the friendship but I would talk behind her back and call her a homewrecking *****. I know I would. I also wouldn't like her very much or trust her around my dh. I would just have lost a lot of respect. She probably wouldn't want me as a friend anymore....

daniellevmt's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
Joined: 07/25/06
Posts: 213

"SoxyToo" wrote:

I probably wouldn't end the friendship but I would talk behind her back and call her a homewrecking *****. I know I would. I also wouldn't like her very much or trust her around my dh. I would just have lost a lot of respect. She probably wouldn't want me as a friend anymore....

Wowza! Why would you go to the trouble of even remaining friends with someone if you truly thought they were a "homewrecking *****"? Also, you really wouldn't trust her around your DH? To me, that's like a homphobic dude thinking that ALL gay men want to have sex with him. However, if you would call the friend a homewrecking *****, me thinks there isn't much trust between you and the friend to begin with.

SoxyToo's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
Joined: 03/19/10
Posts: 44

"daniellevmt" wrote:

Wowza! Why would you go to the trouble of even remaining friends with someone if you truly thought they were a "homewrecking *****"? Also, you really wouldn't trust her around your DH? To me, that's like a homphobic dude thinking that ALL gay men want to have sex with him. However, if you would call the friend a homewrecking *****, me thinks there isn't much trust between you and the friend to begin with.

Who said anything about going through "trouble" to remain friends? I certainly wouldn't!

1. If my friend ****s another friends husband and they have a young family she is a home wrecker and a ***** IMO.

2. No I would't trust a homewrecker around my dh. He's hot, ask Robin Wink

3. WTF does this have to do with gay men? A woman ****s another friends dh when he's married and they have a young family and that means I think gay men are attracted to all men? Yeah that makes sense.

4. The bond of trust between me and this friend would be broken if she ****ed another friends dh. Just like if she stole from another friend I would not trust her around my house.

Pages