How much to say? kind of personal
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Thread: How much to say? kind of personal

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    Mega Poster mom3girls's Avatar
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    Default How much to say? kind of personal

    Here is a situation that I am just not sure how to handle. My really good friend had a son that is 8 and is going into 3rd grade. He has some behavioral issues that are scarey. He goes into rages and has kicked, punched, and yelled at adults and has totally trashed several rooms (including my classroom when the school put him in there to try to calm down one day) He is a huge child, already over 100lbs and is close to 5 foot, so he is pretty scarey to deal with. She has taken him to a doctor who diagnosed him with ADHD and my friend has accepted this as a valid reason for his rages.
    Up until this point I have just been a listening ear, as I am sure seeing him like that is awful for her and her DH. My Dh thinks I should encourage to seek an opinion of a child psychologist. He thinks it would be easier for me to say it to her now, before he really hurts someone or himself. I just dont know, I have zero knowledge of ADHD other then articles I have read. I dont want to overstep my bounds, as I hate giving parenting advise. What do you guys think? What would you do?
    Lisa
    Molly, Morgan, Mia and Carson

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    I honestly don't know what I'd do, but that sounds like more than ADHD. I know mood swings and stronger emotions can be part of it, but that just sounds like there is more going on than just that diagnosis.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mommydearest View Post
    I honestly don't know what I'd do, but that sounds like more than ADHD. I know mood swings and stronger emotions can be part of it, but that just sounds like there is more going on than just that diagnosis.
    I agree.

    Since she is a really good friend, you should be able to talk to her. Think about how you'd want her to talk to you about such a thing. You have to approach it with great compassion and care, with love for her and her child, and focus on his happiness and their family's instead of how his behavior affects others, just so you can focus on the issue instead of making her feel guilty or defensive.

    In those situations I always switch places in my mind and think "would I want someone to say something?" and "how could they say it in a way that I could hear without feeling judged?" Whatever the topic is, this has worked for me in the past.

    Just keep in mind this is about helping him and helping them, and your heart will do the rest. You can say that you have been thinking about this and frustrated with your inability to help, but now you think maybe you can help with the suggestion that she take him to a better/another doctor. Maybe even offer to go along and support her if you can.

    Good luck.

    If this were my situation I would want my close friends to say something and help.
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    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    How did they get a diagnosis of ADHD without seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? And just knowing that ADHD is what might be causing the behavior isn't helpful because that doesn't resolve the problems. There should be regular follow-ups with the psychiatrist or psychologist, parenting classes, cognitive behavioral therapy for their son, and perhaps medication. And honestly, if his behavior is what you're describing, I would suspect that there is something much more than ADHD going on. You'll need to weigh whether you value the friendship enough to either say something you think she needs to hear but might not want to hear (a really good friend, IMHO) or be willing to lose it because you say something she doesn't want to hear. Definitely consider asking something like what are they doing now that they have a diagnosis, do they think it's helping, etc. more than saying your kid is an uncontrollable brat, LOL!

    And I'll be honest, as a parent, I would not want that child in my child's school and I would want him relocated if he's that dangerous & disruptive. I would absolutely discuss this with the administration, the district, and the school counselor. My child has the right to her own education without such behavior wasting everyone's time & energy, and the precious resources of our school. Since you are a teacher at that school, I think you should address this with the school administration and the school counselor. Those people can ask the parents what measures are being taken the address this child's issues, they can help arrange for testing if it's not been done properly, they can discuss alternate placement options, etc. They can also keep a watchful eye on him from the start to address any behavior problems ASAP and talk with him about what else might be going on that might require attention, such as abuse, neglect, suicidal thoughts, etc. And if I were a teacher, I would not want that child in my classroom, at least not without a full-time attendant, and I would probably talk with my union about my safety concerns and about my classroom being trashed, too. Good luck, what a sad situation!
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    Stacey's, it's her FRIEND. Would you seriously go to administrators and the union before you would go to your friend????

    lisa, has your friend asked you for your advice along with asking you to listen? If so I'd do exactly as Laurie said.

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    Quote Originally Posted by freddieflounder101 View Post
    If this were my situation I would want my close friends to say something and help.
    This is what I needed to hear. I would want to hear is also, and I would hope that my close friends would feel comfortable to say something. I just need to find a time to approach it with her, and a way to approach it with her that wont make her feel I am attacking in anyway. I am really concerned about him and know he needs some additional therapy and not just meds.
    Lisa
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spacers View Post
    How did they get a diagnosis of ADHD without seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? And just knowing that ADHD is what might be causing the behavior isn't helpful because that doesn't resolve the problems. There should be regular follow-ups with the psychiatrist or psychologist, parenting classes, cognitive behavioral therapy for their son, and perhaps medication. And honestly, if his behavior is what you're describing, I would suspect that there is something much more than ADHD going on.
    I totally agree with this part. With getting Robbie's Aspergers diagnosis there was lots of testing, appointments with both psychologists and psychiatrists, and now classes for him and us. We have worked closely with Robbie's school in order to make sure that we are doing everything we can to help him have a great school experience and secondly so that when things happen there are no questions on how to proceed.

    One day I received a call from his principal that I am sure most parents would hate. In his frustration Robbie picked up his desk and threw it across the room. While I was happy to hear that no one was injured I was horrified that my son would do this. I went in and talked with his principal about what we could do to help. I know as a parent I would want someone to tell me as I really don't feel that it is the school's job to be dealing with this.

    I do question who made the diagnosis and what followup was done. It took us 10 months to get a tentative diagnosis and we have ongoing testing/appointments once school returns in a month. One of the things they were looking at was ADD/ADHD but Robbie did not fit the profile.
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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mom3girls View Post
    This is what I needed to hear. I would want to hear is also, and I would hope that my close friends would feel comfortable to say something. I just need to find a time to approach it with her, and a way to approach it with her that wont make her feel I am attacking in anyway. I am really concerned about him and know he needs some additional therapy and not just meds.
    Could you maybe see what kinds of programs/services are available in your area, then treat it as "I heard about this program and thought you would be interested.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    Stacey's, it's her FRIEND. Would you seriously go to administrators and the union before you would go to your friend????

    lisa, has your friend asked you for your advice along with asking you to listen? If so I'd do exactly as Laurie said.
    If I didn't think my so-called friend would listen to what I was saying, then yes, absolutely. My child's education is more important than anyone else's feelings. There are people who won't listen to the closest people in their lives, or who won't hear the message, but who will listen to an employer or teacher or neighbor saying exactly the same thing. That's why interventions involve pretty much everyone you know, because you don't know who is going to get through to that person.
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    She has asked before what I think she should do. But that was a long time ago, when all of this first started, at the time I had not witnessed what he was actually capable of. I have been kind of waiting to see if she asked again. I have also just been really trying to take care of her so that she has the reserves to deal with him, I take the kids for her, have helped her start running, brought them dinner that kind of thing.

    The diagnoses thing is what bothers me the most, if he got the diagnoses from a team of doctors then it would be easier to understand. But he got it from his pediatrician who has offered no other testing, cognitive therapy or any additional support. But like I said, I no very little about ADHD so I am not sure what other testing they do

    Stacie, I am not even going to go there. She is my friend, and he even with all his issues, is still a boy. I want him to get help, not be kicked out a school where all the employees are supportive of him and willing to help the parents in whatever way they can.
    Lisa
    Molly, Morgan, Mia and Carson

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