How soon is too soon?

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Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261
How soon is too soon?

Bereaved partner finds love again | Mail Online

Have a read and tell me your opinion.

xx

Joined: 03/14/09
Posts: 624

I think if she used the real names of her friend and bereaved husband that is a terrible thing for a person to do. This wouldn't pass for journalism at a real newspaper.

Joined: 05/23/12
Posts: 680

I have read often that men have a tendency to not do as well alone as women and that they tend to move on quicker than women. I don't think anyone can set a time limit on 'how soon after' and I think it's positive that he has someone to share his life with. It's often stated that when a spouse dies, the other follows soon after. But I think this isn't necessarily true if he/she finds a new person to share their time with.

I can see how even adult children may feel odd about it, but this is just their way of showing they are having difficulty dealing with the death of the parent and not necessarily the new relationship. I can see how it might be odd to others. But it's extremely depressing to go home day in and day out to an empty house. Men I think struggle more with this than women. Women are more sharing and women reach out to offer support more, so I think their social support may be stronger. On the other hand, I think avoiding the grieving process isn't so wise and replacing a 20 something year marriage with soon is something to be cautious about. But, if the man in the article can do it, it's up to him. He's not very young, so maybe he's just trying to find a way to spend the last few years of his able life with a person who at least helps him not be depressed or lonely.

It's not probably something I could do, but I don' t see why there should be objections or feeling that he is betraying his former wife. The children may struggle through the idea of what looks like their mother being replaced. But I do think they should try to understand that it's not really like this and should be less selfish, a hard thing to do.

So ultimately, I don't it's possible to place time frames on when or if new relationships happen. Sooner looks tackier to the onlookers but I don't see why anyone needs onlookers' approval.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

My biological grandma died when my dad was 3 or 4. My grandpa met his new wife on a business trip and ended up moving across the country to marry her within a year. They were married for almost 60 years until he died.

I don't know if he loved them equally or if he loved one more. I don't think you can ask that of anyone who remarried after losing a spouse. All I know us he loved his new wife (who I think of as my grandma) very much.

People deal with things in their own way. Friends should be supportive and be there to talk but not pass judgement. Kids are harder but communication still needs to be open.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

It is a difficult situation, but is up to the people involved. I would not want DH to struggle alone to raise three girls if something happened to me.

mom2robbie's picture
Joined: 01/20/07
Posts: 2541

My sister died when she was almost 30 leaving behind 3 children (9 months, 4 and 7). Her death was sudden in some ways and known in others. My sister was a severe asthmatic who was not supposed to make it through her first year, she went to high school at the hospital. My BIL re-married 14 months after she died. It was the write thing to do. They have been married 20 years now. I consider his second wife to be my SIL. Her two children from her first marriage are my niece and nephew. The only hard part for me was the first time I heard my niece call Katie her mom. It broke my heart a little. I think it was right but it hurt a little. And I think Katie is an amazing woman.

Joined: 08/17/04
Posts: 2226

I agree that there is no real time frame to date/marry again. I think the 1 year minimum healing time is good advice though.

I think when kids are involved it would be more prudent to wait and give them time to adjust.

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

My Grandma still gets grief about having male friends from her children despite the fact that my Grandfather has not only been dead for the last 8 years, but would have wanted her to get married as soon as she found someone she loved (if she'd found someone). I don't think anyone should have a say or even get an opinion when it comes to dealing with grief like that.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

Every person is going to have a different time that is right for them... And until you've been there, I don't think anyone has a right to tell someone what they should/shouldn't do.

It makes sense to go slow if young kids/teens are involved just because whatever happens will be a big transition for everyone. It is different if the children are grown and out of the house.

We know a couple who was married for over 50 years and the wife died from cancer. About a year later, he started spending time with a lady who recently lost her husband. Neither are interested in getting married, but are enjoying the companionship they give each other. I think it is nice and fortunately his family does to.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

Another alternative is dementia.. my other grandma was single from when my grandpa died when she is 62 to her mid 80s. then she became friends with a man at her seniors home. I don't know if there's more to it then companionship, hand holding or a kiss on the cheek. all I know is he made her not as old. as she gets older and her dementia gets worse she's moved into a different home and he still visits her.

it gets complicated because for the first 5 years of their relationship he was still married. after caring for his wife for about 10 years at home she been institutionalized for Alzheimers.

they were both very comfortable with the fact he still loved his wife and visited her 3-5 times week. We were lucky that his kids were very happy that he was happy. It could have been ugly.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

Now that I would not be as ok with. I think when your vows say "in sickness and in health", that includes Alzheimer's. I would be pretty mad at my Dad if he started seeing someone while he was still married to my Mom. Alzheimers runs pretty thick in her family. My grandfather died from it. I know it is something she worries a lot about.

Joined: 08/17/04
Posts: 2226

I lean towards not being okay with a spouse that was married and the other spouse has dementia/alzheimers but I'm okay with the reverse. Like Sandra Day O'Connor's husband. They were married and he didn't know her and fell in "love' with someone else. Beyond his/her control . Still sad though.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

I'm not ok with the dementia situation. I can see why you would want to move on, but just can't get behind it while the person is still living.

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

We struggled with it. My grandma is quite definate that they are just friends. Even if it is just what it appeared, that is more friendship than I would want my husband to have right now.

His kids were fine with it because she hadn't recognized them or him for several years prior. They didn't live in that city so my mom became their point person for his hospital stays. He waa been good for my mom as he kept an eye on my grandma as her dementia has progressed and let my mom know when problems arose.

It made me realize how I feel if my mind was gone but my body was still alive. My grandma was quite comfortable on her own but I don't think he was. If we were in that situation, I might not like the idea of my husband being close friends like that with another person but I could understand it.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 671

It shouldn't be up to other people. Love will always walk into your life when you least expect it.

with the dementia situation: They have no control over their memory, you can't force someone to love someone else who they don't remember. It's hard but you have to be able to see that the person with dementia really isn't the same person at all, it completely changes them. I see it on a daily basis at my work and I even get emotional when you see the people change.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

What is the point of that article? Just so the author can publicly express disapproval that this poor man, having lost his wife, has found love again?

I think that "how soon" is a question that only the surviving spouse can answer. I can't believe that people feel it's their place to pile on more misery on the grieving spouse by judging them for not wanting to be alone, wanting a partner, et cetera.

I was very close with my grandma, but when my grandpa started dating again and eventually remarried after she passed away, I was glad for him. I love my grandpa and did not think it served anyone, least of all my grandma, for him to be lonely.