Taken from Scarymommy.comI lost it this morning. Really lost it.
After the kids were all dressed for school, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, backpacks packed, I turned on the TV. I have a rule that the kids can only watch certain channels. There is so much crap on TV ? shows geared towards teens and preteens, shows that showcase kids calling other people ?idiot? and ?stupid? and generally behaving obnoxiously ? and in all seriousness, I have a hard enough time keeping my kids under control without exposing them to those kinds of influences and role models. So the rule is, Mom sets the channel, and you don?t change it without permission. Annabelle never, ever, ever sticks to this rule. The moment I walk out of the room, she?s got the remote in her hand, channel-surfing, looking for some obnoxious show featuring smart-*** teenagers. It happened this morning. Within thirty seconds of my turning the TV on to Nick Jr. ? really for Finn ? Annabelle is changing the channel. ?Leave the TV alone, Annabelle,? I said. I left the room. A few minutes later, on my way to the kitchen, I saw her there, remote in hand, channel surfing again. And I lost it.
Screaming and yelling ensued. Swearing. ?I?VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES TO LEAVE THE TV ALONE!!? I shouted. ?GO TO YOUR ROOM! GO SIT IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL IT?S TIME TO LEAVE FOR SCHOOL. NOW!!!? She just stood there staring at me, not moving a muscle. ?GO!!? I yelled. All the kids froze in their tracks while I chased ? literally chased ? Annabelle into her room. She beat me by a half a second and locked the door against me. Locked the door! ?I?m going to kill her!? I muttered. ?MOM! Are you really going to kill Annabelle? Did you really just say that?!? Daisy shrieked. ?OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!? I yelled. Annabelle unlocked the door. ?Don?t you ever lock the door against me again! Do you hear me?!? I yelled at her.
Michael?s trying to calm me. ?Leave me alone!? I yelled at him. ?I do EVERYTHING for you people ? including YOU! ? and you all treat me like ****! Every last one of you!?
I know. All this over an eight-year old changing the channel on the TV. But really, of course it?s not just about that. That was just the straw that broke the camel?s back this morning. It was my eight-year old changing the channel after I told her not to ? again. It was dealing with Finn tantruming his way through breakfast ? again. It was Joey throwing a dramatic tantrum and copping a major attitude last night when I said no, he could not have an Instagram account (he?s ten, for crying out loud!). It?s the bickering and tattling all the time. It?s the ?I want, I want, I want? all the time, and the lack of willingness to do much of anything I ask. Ask somebody to set the table for dinner? Tell them to clean up their room? Oh myGOD! You would think I?m asking them to pull their own fingernails out! It?s my husband being gone so much of the time and me feeling utterly alone, like I?m dealing with all of this single handedly.
I?m not excusing my losing it this morning. I?m ashamed. I wish I held it together better, I really, really do. And lest I start to sound like my own mother who seemed to believe that her kids were responsible for her happiness/unhappiness but she, the adult, was not responsible for theirs, let me just say that I know kids are kids, they don?t actually mean anything personal by their behavior ? I know that, I really do.
Sometimes motherhood just feels like a big, fat **** You, though. This is why people say that motherhood is a hard job. Not because it?s especially intellectually challenging or physically demanding ? I mean it is those things, but there are certainly other pursuits that require for far more intellectual and/or physical output than motherhood. Not because it requires a great deal of bravery ? of course, it does call for that, too, but certainly not as much as being a soldier or a police officer, for instance. No, it?s not those things. It?s because it?s so ****ing emotionally taxing. It?s because it?s so incredibly thankless so much of the time. It?s because I feel like I?ve sacrificed so much of myself for them, and they don?t appreciate it. It?s because I do and do and do for them, constantly, and it often seems like all I get in return is complaining that it?s not enough ? or just outright ignored. I?m not looking for accolades or awards or fanfare. I?m not even looking for ?thank you.? It would just be nice to get a little cooperation. A little respect for the rules ? rules which aren?t onerous or unreasonable for crap?s sake!
And, you know, it?s hard to admit these things. Everyone wants to talk about how great motherhood is, how fulfilling it is. Sometimes it is. And often, it?s not. I?m not even sure why I?m writing about it this morning ? opening myself up to criticism and judgment, exposing the flaws in the pretty picture. I don?t want to feel alone, I guess.
After I got back from dropping the kids off at school this morning, I discovered that Annabelle had left her lunch at home. Who do you think packed the baby and Finn back into the truck to drive her lunch to school?
Because that?s what moms do.
This made my jaw drop. I know that this sort of "confessional" blogging is very en vogue, but I still haven't gotten used to it. I find it so ugly and off putting. Yet it seems to resonate with people, I think that this had something like 20 THOUSAND facebook likes or shares or something, I was too flabbergasted to focus. And forgive me for not linking to it, but I simply refuse to give this garbage hits. You are welcome to look it up.
So what do you think? Kids will obviously read this stuff as adults (the author writes under her real full name). Healthy, honest, good, bonding, stress release, whatever? Is this a great way for women to bond, reading "eff you's" to our children?
Or is this awful? Or you think that we as women should be "liking" or encouraging more of this sort of writing?
I dont like it. I cringe when I read it because I know that her kids will have access to it someday, makes me sad for the kids. I also dont like when parents are all "I do everything for you, and what do you do for me?" I would love to remind her that she chose to have kids.
I have read some mommy confessionals that make me laugh. A friend of mine recently posted on her blog a funny story about taking the baby (kid #4) to the pediatrician for his circumcision and half way through she noticed she had on 2 different shoes. All of her posts are self deprecating and never complaining about parenting. I really enjoy reading that.
Molly, Morgan, Mia and Carson
I do think this article is in poor taste. I have however, read mommy confessionals that are funny and have helped me to relax. For example I remember reading a long list of differences between a first child and a second (or 3rd or 4th) child. For example buying only the expensive diapers vs. the cheaper ones, or boiling bottles vs. just washing them in hot water. Yes, the mom was letting loose, but it really helped me as a FTM to put things in perspective.
All of that to say, I do not think all mommy confessionals are bad. This one however, I think does not serve any good.
I don't mind some of the confessionals, but some are just too much. I read the ones on scarymommy which are anonymous. I have posted there as well (like about my frustrations with Kaiya who can't ever pick up her toys!). But kids will never see those and know it was about them. I see that as a venting forum which can help in that moment of emotion.
Some of them are really scary though. The ones about being beaten or wanting to hit the kids. I am also shocked at home many people are cheating on their partners or don't love them or hate them even. Honestly they make me feel better about my own parenting and relationship! And I wouldn't want to post things about my kids in a public forum that they can read someday. Maybe the funny things they say, but not venting. That shouldn't be public and have names and such. It is too easy to find and they people being written about would feel like crap if they found it.
Well this particular piece sounds like a big whine-fest with no larger point honestly. The whole thing was a turn off and the moment she confessed to with the language and words used...is particularly eye popping to me.
I think some carefully written mommy confessionals are therapeutic is some ways. I think there is something soothing about knowing that we all try our hardest...we all fail to do the right thing sometimes, but that our kids can still be okay. I think there is a lot of pressure to be perfect on parents...and a lot of "This will destroy your child" "That will ruin them emotionally forever!!!" in day to day parenting culture and sometimes its good to remind each other that while we all should be responsible and do whats right, lets just acknowledge that we all have our fails.
This article is not in that vein at all. This article just says "Motherhood sucks...i'm embarrassed to say it but motherhood sucks" I don't really see any other message in it.
Really, my feelings about this mom, in my totally no professional, not an ounce of psychology education opinion, is simply looking for 'there theres' and a pat on a back that what she is feeling is okay. This piece was self serving.
I think she sounds very unhappy, and is probably ashamed of some of the things she's done. I think she might be looking for justification or reassurance that she's normal and not less happy than other people with kids.
There was no attempt to put a positive spin, or a proactive call to try harder...or a larger lesson learned. She just sounds downright unhappy.
I just find it really disgusting. And I'm floored that there are people commenting things like "ITS SO GOOD TO KNOW I AM NOT ALONE"........like.....THIS utter CRAP makes people feel BETTER? UGH!!! What on earth are we aspiring to as parents if this makes us HAPPY? Are there honestly and truly women out there who are so isolated and alone and friendless who don't know that motherhood is hard, or who don't have actual friends to talk to about having hard days or whatnot, who really think that there are "perfect Mom's" out there and are actually reading this trash sobbing and thinking "THANK GOD I'm AN OKAY PERSON BECAUSE I SCREAM CURSES AT MY KIDS TOO"? I mean......really?
I just find this whole "Eff off kids" and "Go the F to sleep" and all that just boring and tiresome and not entertaining or relatable. If you didn't know that motherhood was hard before entering into it, I feel really sorry for you. Of course it is. Duh. Life is hard. Duh. If you seriously feel like its THAT terrible or you are THAT undervalued or its THAT thankless, I truly think that you should be in some marriage counseling and therapy. The author sounds out of control or depressed or something. I get it that 7 kids must be really tough, but, I mean, its your life at this point, so either accept it or find help (babysitters or whatnot) or find a way to accept it that isn't scarring your kids. THreatening to kill your children in their presence simply isn't like....normal or healthy behavior, any way one slices it.
It seems like to me she is asking for a pat on the back to say its ok because everybody does it. Ummm no, everybody doesn't do it, especially cussing out their kids.
Mom to Lee, Jake, Brandon, Rocco
Stepmom to Ryan, Regan, Braden, Baley
Granddaughters Kylie 10/18/2010 & Aleya 4/22/2013
I never consider a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosopy, as a cause for withdrawing from a friend. --Thomas Jefferson
On the flip side
I think reassurance that your kids are going to be okay even if you mess up sometimes, and everyone does it, as long as your heart is in the right place and you don't lower your standards (aka acknowledge what you did was wrong) is a good message. I think a lot of mommy confessional are of that ilk.
I should add that when i talk about the 'good kind' of mommy confessional...i don' think that means any and every act a mommy can 'confess' about is ok. For example i don't think there is any excuse for what this woman wrote about. Its terrible.
I'm talking more about when parents admit that they like...sat their kid through two movies in a row because they had something that needed to get done, or they had ice cream for dinner one night.