Offensive to working moms? or not? - Page 3
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  1. #21
    Prolific Poster Danifo's Avatar
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    My mom says you never stop being a mom and trying to do what is best for your child.

    By the sound of the description of mothering, most Dads just sound like placeholders (unless they SAH).

    To me, sending your kids to school as part of them growing up and no different than them moving out when they are adults.
    Last edited by Danifo; 10-14-2013 at 09:47 AM.
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  2. #22
    Community Host Minx_Kristi's Avatar
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    This does offend me slightly, yes. Going to work is not a break imo. You don't get to 'switch off' like you would be able to at home if someone took your kid for an hour. Even then, you'd still be doing chores so I guess being a Mum, you never really get a break!

    People who say that WOH Mums are bad parents because they're not there, well you could flip the coin and say that SAH Mums are teaching their kids that going out to work is not important. Either way, whatever you do there is always going to be someone out there judging what you choose to do.

    Also, I know there are parents out there who do choose not to work because they know it's easier to fleece the Government of benefits. They have kids but let them do as they please - these are the type of people who give SAH a bad rep.

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  3. #23
    Prolific Poster ftmom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rivergallery View Post
    How many of you that ps your kiddos have breathed a sigh of relief when they go back... it is the fact that while they are at school you are not in the act of mothering while they are at school.. while they are at camp or out of the house on a play date etc.. you get a break from the act. It doesn't mean you are LESS of a mother.. it means you are giving some of the responsibility to someone else.. that is why we VET babysitters, preschools.. that is why we have meetings with teachers, IEPs, school counselors, principals etc etc.

    It is HOW we can be mom's and clean the house while they are at public school, be mom's and work... but we are not in the act of MOTHERING if we are not with the children. Just like you are not working if you are not working... you might be thinking about work.. or planing something in your head about work.. but you are not at work.. Just like if you are not with your children you might be thinking about them.. planning a birthday party for them in your head, or worrying about a loose tooth or how to discipline them better or how to talk to their teacher about xyz etc etc but you are not in the ACT of MOTHERING if you are not with them. Not sure that explains it any better at all.

    I have done all three. Been a working mom full time.. stay at home mom full time, and working out of the home mom.. But I haven't sent my kids to public school...

    DO you not see a difference in your MOTHERING commitment between Summer and fall/winter for those that stay home and public school your children?
    I am a stay at home mom, and from your definition I still spend a good portion of my day not mothering. I do the dishes, come on here, take the kids to playgroup so I can sit back and drink coffee with the other moms. And conversely, I watch a little girl most days. Between 9 and 5 she is with us being cared for by me, but I am certainly not 'mothering' her during that time. If something happens that concerns me with her I do not stress about it, call DH and research how to go about changing things like I would my own kids. I make a mental note to tell her own mother about it at the end of the day, and will discuss and implement any plan she comes up with. This girl has no problem telling who her mom is, and treats us very differently.

    I actually think it is really funny that when I tell people I am a stay at home mom they will ask things like what I do all day (which doesnt offend me. I have no idea what most people actually do all day at their job), and yet when I say I do some daycare, I suddenly become this saint who must be so OMG busy! Ummm, I do the same things, just with more kids in tow. In fact, I do slightly less because I dont like to take daycare kids to stores, so I dont run errands when they are with me.

    As for Public School, and other activities my kids do without me, I feel there is immense value in them beyond getting my kids out of my hair, and find it offensive that you would say a SAH parent would send their kid to school so they can clean the house.
    I do find this article slightly offensive to working mothers, cause it assumes a need to work, and I know lots of people who choose to work because it makes them happy, and enables them to do more quality things with the family, like vacations and other pay as you go activities. We all make our choices as parents and individuals, and we have to balance out our needs with those of our families. The only wrong answer is one that neglects our children, and going to work does not do that.
    Alissa_Sal and AlyssaEimers like this.
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  4. #24
    Posting Addict Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    Like many others, I don't totally understand the definition of "mothering" that is being presented here. I think the way that Rivergallery is using it is to mean when you are physically there in front of your kids interacting with them. This seems like a confusingly narrow definition of mothering though. For example, what if I am in the house with them, but they are asleep in their beds and I am folding their laundry and packing their lunches? Is that mothering? Or what if I'm at work, but I'm talking to their pediatrician or teacher or daycare lady over the phone? What if DH and I are alone together and hashing out our plans for them (example: discussing discipline or planning a birthday party for them, it whatever.) I would consider all of those part of my job of parenting. Maybe parenting is different than mothering?

    It strikes me too that the gender inequality in parenting is staggering. Imagine a dad that goes to work every day to bring in money to support his kids. But before he goes to work, he gets them up every morning, makes sure that they are dressed in clean weather appropriate clothes, fed, have their lunch and homework in their backpacks, and takes them to school. Even while he is at work he takes time off to take them to doctors appointments, dentist appointments, and to attend school functions. He picks them up at night after work, and cooks for them, bathes them, reads to them, talks to them about their day, helps them with their homework, sings to them before bed. After they go to bed, he packs their lunches, does some of their laundry, and picks up the house they all live in. As needed he researches schools to make sure his kids are attending good ones, vets daycare providers and babysitters, plans play dates and birthday parties. When he can on the weekends he takes them to the zoo, the museum, the aquarium, the park. They are the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up in the morning, and the last thing he thinks of before he falls asleep at night. Do you think anyone would question whether he was a good parent, let alone imply he's not parenting at all?
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  5. #25
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    I have as a SAHM felt judged for being so many times. I also have seen a lot of judging of working mothers. The best situation IMO is where your kids are happy and healthy and you are happy and healthy. There are some people that would not do well being with their kids all of the time. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

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  6. #26
    Mega Poster mom3girls's Avatar
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    I have to say that some of the hardest "mothering" I do is sending them to school. I know they need school, I know they are growing so much while there, but I really wish most days that I didnt have to share them.
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  7. #27
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    We have just started letting my son go to the local store by himself sometimes. So when he walks out of the house and I'm watching from the window, and then he goes beyond my sight line, I'm not mothering him anymore? Just wondering.
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  8. #28
    Mega Poster elleon17's Avatar
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    I feel like I have had many sides of this.

    With DS I was a working mom who had to work and wanted to stay at home. On maternity leave, I got a small taste of being a SAHM, which I did love, but in the end I was wanting to go back to work.

    I tend to only feel judged by those on the other side sometimes and this blog did offend me the same way I think its offensive for there to be only one or two right ways. As if one decision is holier than the other.

    I miss my babies all day long at work and honestly I never stop parenting them at work and my day doesn't end till 11 pm at night and starts right back up at 5 am. I do all the same things I did when I was home for those 3 months. One wasn't harder than the other, but they were different. The down times were different and the scheduling was different. MOthering is simply difficult and from what I can tell it isn't going to stop.
    Last edited by elleon17; 10-15-2013 at 04:18 PM.
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  9. #29
    Posting Addict Spacers's Avatar
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    In our home there isn't really a distinction between "mothering" and "fathering." We are both full-time, actively involved parents, but by RiverGallery's definition, my husband would be the better mother simply because he's at home with them a lot more than I am. And no, I do NOT breathe a sigh of relief when my daughter goes back to school after summer break. That's because I do NOT abdicate my job as her parent when school starts. Actually, the job of parenting is far harder to do when I have to consider her teacher's needs in addition to my own wants. I want to call her in sick to go camping, but I don't do that when it's a testing week, and I want to get the cheaper, earlier-in-the-day swim lessons, but I don't think her teacher would appreciate her leaving at 1pm every Wednesday. And there would be absolute hell to pay if her teacher tried to take on some of *my* parental responsibilities like spiritual education, buying a pet, paying an allowance, or administering punishment for anything beyond the most minor offenses.

    As to the OP, ITA with Kyla who said she found this article slightly offensive to working mothers, because it seems to assume a need to work, not a choice to work. I've had this discussion with Attachment Parenting-minded moms who *need* to work but feel they shouldn't because "it's not AP." AP is about balance, balancing your families needs and wants, balancing your own needs and wants, and if WOH is the right answer for your family, finding the *right* caretaker for your child so that you can feel good about your decision to return to work. Because going back to work does NOT mean you aren't mothering.
    ClairesMommy likes this.
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  10. #30
    Posting Addict ClairesMommy's Avatar
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    IMO this guy says SAHMs should be "put on a pedestal" to justify his patriarchal attitude.
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