One income families/thank you question.

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One income families/thank you question.

When you go out to eat and are treated to dinner by a one income family, do you only say thank you to the wage earner?

Do you view income as a family thing or as an individual thing (obvs in the case of a one income family, be it a sahm or sahd or sah same sex person)?

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Absolutely not. Now my point of view is coming from a couple that has a child/children. I think being a SAHM/SAHD is just as much if not more of a job than going off to work every day. In that case, both people actually "work" even though only one might bring home a paycheck. And if you're in a committed relationship, living together, have kids, are married, or any of the above, then by definition (most of the time) the income is shared either way. DH and I both work and both of our paychecks go into the back every week and we just both use the money. I know every family is different, but in answering your question, I guess even if the couple had no kids and only one of them worked, if they were "together" then I would still thank them both, just out of general courtesy.

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If a family takes you out, you thank the family. Makes sense to me.

And I don't just see it as the working parent makes it okay for the other one to stay at home. The stay-at-home parent makes it okay for the other one to work, to focus on a career, etc.

Should I assume that you guys took someone out who only thanked your husband? I think that's rude at worst, inconsiderate or thoughtless at best.

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I would thank the family/couple, not just the wage earner. My family is a one income family and I would find it odd, even rude, if someone were to thank just my husband if we treated them to dinner. Our family is a unit and we contribute in different ways. The money that my husband earns is our money together. Not just his. Even if we both had jobs the money that we each earned would be ours together, not his and mine.

I hope this didn't actually happen to you. ugh!

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I usually thank the person that puts the credit card down usually.

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I'd thank the person who put down the credit card too. Whether it was the wage-earner or the home-maker. If they happened to be sitting next to each other, I'd thank both. If I went to a party at their house I'd go out of my way to thank both, but not at a restaurant. We never let anyone else get the check though and make it a habit to hand the server our credit card for our bill before we sit down. We're weird though.

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"wlillie" wrote:

I'd thank the person who put down the credit card too. Whether it was the wage-earner or the home-maker. If they happened to be sitting next to each other, I'd thank both. If I went to a party at their house I'd go out of my way to thank both, but not at a restaurant. We never let anyone else get the check though and make it a habit to hand the server our credit card for our bill before we sit down. We're weird though.

I would strongly advise against that. A coworker did this a few months ago and the employee got all of the information off of her card and made tons of purchases before it was discovered. She was told that it's one of the more common ways fraud is committed and was advised to watch the transactions take place instead of being as trusting as she was.

As for the OP, even dual working couples may have all of their finances completely split to include who is responsible to pay for each household bill. If the couple is married and paid the tab, we always thank both of them. Regardless of finances, they are married which makes it both of their gift to us in the end. It shouldn't matter who put the card down. It's still from both of them. If they're not married, I thank the person who paid unless they've been committed to each other for a long time. Then we still thank both of them.

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I have to admit to being shocked by the question. I have never even thought of such a thing. In our family my job is to stay at home with the kids while DH works. If I felt the money was all his because he was the one who had a "job" then I would never survive the marriage. If DH had to pay for childcare, a chef, a maid, and a prostitute he would be broke. I contribute just as much to our family as he does, I just do not get a pay check.

I understand not every family works that way, and that is fine. This is just what we have agreed upon in our family.

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I think both. Like a few people said, families more often than not work as units. Money is something a family owns as a whole so treating you for dinner is a gesture from both of their ends.

"Beertje" wrote:

I would strongly advise against that. A coworker did this a few months ago and the employee got all of the information off of her card and made tons of purchases before it was discovered. She was told that it's one of the more common ways fraud is committed and was advised to watch the transactions take place instead of being as trusting as she was.

Both restaurants I worked at while in college had their computers in back where customers could not see or even go so it isn't possible to watch every time. I just make sure to actually watch my credit card statements every month. They are all guaranteed against fraud like that and are very quick to fix it if something goes wrong. I unfortunately am talking from experience but luckily the credit card company fixed it immediately.

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I would thank the couple who paid. My brain wouldn't even go to "well, she works and he doesn't, so I'll only thank her since she makes the money". I'm old-fashioned, I guess, but we don't have separate finances when it comes to checking, and that's what we would use to go out to dinner. It's "our" money, not just his and not just mine.

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I would find that extremely rude. I see the family as a unit and *they* took you out for dinner.

I find it beyond strange when couples don't share their money. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when "two become one" that included the two bank accounts becoming one.

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"freddieflounder101" wrote:

Should I assume that you guys took someone out who only thanked your husband? I think that's rude at worst, inconsiderate or thoughtless at best.

Yes Smile But they were a generation older than us, and I was wondering if this was just some archaic generational thing, or if other people may feel that that is the logical, correct thing to do. Laurie, you are a Curb fan, right? Because I remember an episode which centered around this exact issue,

Susan: You going to thank me too?
Cheryl: And thank you Susan
Susan: You're welcome (looks to Larry)
Larry: What? Why do I have to thank you?
Susan: For dinner, that my husband and I treated you to.
Larry: Oh, I thought he treated me to it.
Susan: Stu pulled out the credit card and put it down, yes.
Larry: Yeah, so I thanked him
Susan: And he's using our money to pay for it, so you could thank us. We're taking you out to dinner.
Larry: Well, you could call it "our money," but just for the sake of discussion, he's the one who goes to work and earns the money. You don't work.

Read more: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/curb-your-enthusiasm/season-3/page-2.html#ixzz1R1i9YdP2

If DH had to pay for childcare, a chef, a maid, and a prostitute he would be broke.

A prostitute? Couldn't he just get a girlfriend? Much cheaper Smile For some reason this whole statement gives me the creeps. I guess if I thought of my "job" being minding the children, cooking his dinner, cleaning his toilet and meeting his sexual needs I might feel slightly depressed.

I also think that those dumb lists where SAHM's try to come with up how much they are "worth" in an annual salary to be as silly as just thanking the wage earner.

We thank the couple, not the person who puts down the card, regardless of the employment status of one or both of the individuals. They made the date, got a sitter, chose to spend their time with us, and they chose to treat us. So we thank them both.

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You thank both either by saying for example "Thank you guys" or "Thanks ____ family".

Melis, I think the only reason people ever took the time to create those annual salary lists for SAHP was in defense of the idea that SAHP's don't work. The only thing silly is the fact that they need to defend the use of their time and their worth.

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A good motto: never behave like Larry on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Smile

But yeah. . .if only one parent works outside the home, that means the other one is contributing to make that possible. The co-workers I have with a spouse at home are not always running out the door like I am to get home before the nanny leaves, making school & camp & dentist appointment plans from the office, missing work to go to writing celebrations & whatnot, etc. It's totally a collaboration.

Although....I haven't seen that episode of Curb but if they were out with rich people and the wife doesn't have a job OR kids OR take care of the house, then I'm with Larry. Lol.

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I say thank you to everyone that invited me out. Money isn't something I look for in order to have a good time.

The other day, my coworker friend bought me lunch with her gift card. I tried to give her money and she refused each time, and I was very thankful even thought it technically wasn't her "money."

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To those who thank the person who puts down the CC, how do you know it's not a shared CC account? That just seems so strange to watch for whose wallet is opened and thank them personally. You didn't just dine with that one person. You dined with the couple.

And what if both parents do hold jobs outside the home? Do you ask who's bank account the money is coming from to thank accordingly? Or do you assume it could be either and thank them both?

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The gift card thing- unless it was the company's gift card it was "technically" her money. Gift cars are just as valuable as the debit card in my wallet.

The credit card thing- I just don't think about it that much. Like I said, we don't let people treat us anymore. My BFF was a SAHM the last time we were able to go out drinking and she did treat us to a round. She laid down the card, I thanked her. Didn't go find her husband to thank him because he was the one who the paycheck was written to.

Joint accounts- We do have a joint account and bills are paid from it. Jason, vacations, the house, the cars, and eating out together. He likes to buy different things than I do and instead of having to discuss it, we have separate accounts. If I'd been able to stay at home, we would have had the exact same setup but our "paychecks" would have been a set allowance for our accounts.

Potter- so it was a small table and they didn't thank you, but just your husband? That's weird.

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"culturedmom" wrote:

Melis, I think the only reason people ever took the time to create those annual salary lists for SAHP was in defense of the idea that SAHP's don't work. The only thing silly is the fact that they need to defend the use of their time and their worth.

I get that, I just think that they are very flawed. I could not be all of those silly things (chauffer? Chef? CEO (eyeroll on that one)) etc. if my husband wasn't out earning the money to fuel the car, to pay for the food that I buy, etc etc etc. I agree that people who seem to revel in or need them are generally insecure about their value as a SAHP, else wise they would probably not need to assign an arbitrary dollar value to their "job". I know exactly what I was worth in the workplace as I know what I used to make when I was employed before having children. Calling myself a "chef" or a "housekeeper" because I have to vacuum and put food on the table every night would be stupid. Don't employed people also vacuum and cook? Smile

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That's just weird, Melis.

I would thank the couple....both parties.

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We thank the couple. The only exception would be the rare situation where we know the financial situation...i.e. my ILs have separate accounts and sometimes my MIL treats from her own savings from when she worked. She is very proud of her earnings (as she should be, she worked hard at a lower paying job and amassed a quite decent sum) and as such we all thank her directly when she gifts us by paying for something...including my FIL (he's a classy guy and very respectful of his wife who mostly spent her life raising his boys while he had the high-paying career). But, in general, I don't know the financial situation of others and assume they are paying as a unit, thanking them as such.

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I would thank both parties. But when we take my MIL out, she only ever thanks me, which I didn't realize until I read this thread.

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I would thank both of them. We have some friends who only the husband works and they have no kids. But eventhough she's not a SAHM, I still thank both. And once they took us out with a gift certificate that he got from work, and we still thanked both. They could have used it on just them, but those chose to take us with them.

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"Potter75" wrote:

I get that, I just think that they are very flawed. I could not be all of those silly things (chauffer? Chef? CEO (eyeroll on that one)) etc. if my husband wasn't out earning the money to fuel the car, to pay for the food that I buy, etc etc etc. I agree that people who seem to revel in or need them are generally insecure about their value as a SAHP, else wise they would probably not need to assign an arbitrary dollar value to their "job". I know exactly what I was worth in the workplace as I know what I used to make when I was employed before having children. Calling myself a "chef" or a "housekeeper" because I have to vacuum and put food on the table every night would be stupid. Don't employed people also vacuum and cook? Smile

For some people it's mildly accurate (lol). If I worked outside the home my husband would not eat nearly as well as he does. He'd pack his own lunch. He'd help cook dinner once in a while. We'd eat more convenience foods because I would not be here to provide a home cooked meal every single night. He would have to help clean the house. He would have to mow the lawn. He would have to take time off work to help get the kids to their various activities, as we'd rotate I imagine. He'd have to help with the grocery shopping. There are lots of things that get done around here because I am here all day that would not get done if I was not.

That being said, I do think those lists are way over the top. DH and always say it's "our" money no matter who earns it. We facilitate each other's lifestyles. If I didnt' have him out earning the big bucks then I wouldn't be able to be here. But if he didn't have me holding down the fort then his life would be significantly more difficult.

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Of course, all of those reasons and more are part and parcel of why we chose to raise our children in a SAHP model/lifestyle. Eating a better dinner because I have hours of naptime to cook a fancy from scratch meal doesn't make me a chef, nor mean that I should command the pretend salary of one. That is all. I feel that it is a luxury to have chosen to live the life we wanted to live as it suits my families particular needs better than a 2 working parent model would. That is enough "salary" for me Smile I think that those lists and the ridiculous "salaries" they spit out actually undermine the value of simply leading the life you want to live because it is best for you. I think that that is payment enough, I don't need to pretend to wear all these titles and determine my financial value as a human/mother. I see it every day in my home and my kids and my husband Smile

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I'd like to be paid mega moolah for the cooking I do. In my next life I'll be a personal chef to the rich and famous.

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Like others, it wouldn't even cross my mind to only thank one person - that's rude. You think the people who are buying.

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I thank the couple. I can't imagine thinking of it as "his money" or "her money" regardless of who works.

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"freddieflounder101" wrote:

If a family takes you out, you thank the family. Makes sense to me.

And I don't just see it as the working parent makes it okay for the other one to stay at home. The stay-at-home parent makes it okay for the other one to work, to focus on a career, etc.

Should I assume that you guys took someone out who only thanked your husband? I think that's rude at worst, inconsiderate or thoughtless at best.

This, exactly. If my DH takes someone out for lunch, I don't expect that person to call me up & thank me. And since my paycheck goes into DH's account, he's usually the one to pay for things like that even though it's technically "my money." To us, it's family money, not his or mine.

"wlillie" wrote:

We never let anyone else get the check though and make it a habit to hand the server our credit card for our bill before we sit down.

What I do it get up to use the restroom when dinner is finished but before the bill is brought to the table. I use that opportunity to slip the server my card, and then sign it on my way back to the table. It works every time IME, and it's less dangerous than having your card floating around for an hour or so.

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"Spacers" wrote:

What I do it get up to use the restroom when dinner is finished but before the bill is brought to the table. I use that opportunity to slip the server my card, and then sign it on my way back to the table. It works every time IME, and it's less dangerous than having your card floating around for an hour or so.

Thanks, but that doesn't work for us; people always guess or get their card to them first and I hate arguing with them so it's worth the small risk the server is going to use the card. I was a server and if I was dishonest, it would have only taken me a snapshot with my phone to steal the numbers; it's not really safer to hand it to them at any point unless you intend to watch them swipe it and bring it back.

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Lillie, you treat the others you are with every single time you go out, and never allow anyone to treat you? Do you mind me asking (no snark) why?

I think that I would feel offended if you always paid for us and never allowed us to reciprocate, I think that it makes other people feel good to treat on occasion. Reciprocity, and all.

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No, we ask the server to set our bill up separate from anyone we eat with and if we aren't in a group, we're usually in our uniform. If someone tries to pay our bill, the server can honestly say we've already taken care of it.

We don't have to worry about someone who might not be doing as well as us paying for our food. I think it's a little weird myself, but I love my dh and will back him up on the not taking anything from anyone. Unless it's money for Jason's college account; dh will say no, and I will take it even if he's standing right there. It was a little awkward with the friends and family I grew up with at first, but I think (*hope*) they are all used to it by now.

I do treat those I know can't afford something that I've invited them to do with us.

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One income or Two incomes I think it makes no difference.....if you are married it is the family income.

Both are thanked, period.

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I have a slightly different situation. I am remarried and we both have children from our previous marriages. As such there are certain situations where his money is his and mine is mine (we are also a dual income family). This is practically a necessity for legal purposes as well.

That being said, we still view our "entertainment" funds (and some other things) as ours - even though there are other things that aren't "ours" and are separate. So if we are to take another couple out to dinner and my DH uses his credit card to pay I still consider the cost is to both of us.

Likewise if we are treated by another couple, regardless of employment status, we thank them both. They are both financially affected and they also both chose to spend their time with us. So even if you are of the belief that only the income earner should be thanked for the financial portion (which isn't my stance) I still think it's nice to thank people for the time and effort they spend on you. Afterall - they could choose to be with someone else but must think us special to spend their time on us. An action worthy of a simple thank you - money aside.