Permission to pop the question?
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Thread: Permission to pop the question?

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    Default Permission to pop the question?

    Thanks Jess for the Pinterest inspiration!

    is a man asking a woman's father for permission to propose a sweet and honorable tradition that would please you.....or a backwards and sexist tradition which implies that a woman is property to be passed from one man (her father) to another (her husband). Thoughts?

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    Posting Addict KimPossible's Avatar
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    It doesn't bother me one way or another. Seamus didn't ask my father for permission. Totally fine with me.

    I do see it as backwards and sexist if people feel the need to genuinely do it...as in literally ask for permission. So for that reason it doesn't bother me when people don't do it. But at the same time, some people do things for traditions sake and I'm not going to get all freaked out about it. My SIL's now husband asked my FIL before he proposed. And because i know him well, i know he is not a sexist backwards thinking man....it was simply traditional and he thought he should do it.

    You know its kind of one of those things, you theoretically only do it once. Its not like you typically have experience and 'know' if its kosher to just skip that part. I could see people going through the motions, including the father, almost cermonially without putting any true meaning into it. I really think thats what happened with my SIL and her husband. Besides, Seamus' family is pretty modern thinking overall. His father would never dream of thinking he truly had any decision making in who his daughter married.
    Last edited by KimPossible; 06-19-2013 at 09:21 AM.

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    I will admit it. I find it backwards and sexist.

    I suppose there are circumstances in which it wouldn't seem like that, but I can't think of any. I think it's time to move on.
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    Posting Addict SID081108's Avatar
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    I have no issue with it. My husband asked for my dad's blessing (not really permission) to marry me, because he felt it was the respectful thing to do. We already knew my dad liked him and was fine with us getting married. It is a tradition, more than anything, and I like it the idea of it. It doesn't make me feel one bit like anyone's property.

    Asking for Her Hand in Marriage - The Do's and Don'ts of Asking Parents for Their Blessing on Your Engagement
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    Posting Addict ClairesMommy's Avatar
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    Lots of wedding ceremony stuff is pretty sexist when you think about it. My dad walked me down the aisle, the JP asked "who GIVES this woman....", etc. But whatever. Mike didn't ask my parents' permission but the other stuff didn't bother me. I was 35 with a baby and a mortgage when I got married. We didn't need anyone's permission to any of that stuff and the ceremony, at least for us, was mostly symbolic for the older family members.

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    I guess for me those traditions are sexist and I can't relate to them so we didn't do any of them. I was 32 when I met Dave, we got married a few years later. My father would have been appalled, as would I, if Dave had asked permission.

    I didn't walk down an aisle, we had a non-traditional wedding, but I've been to many many weddings where both parents walked their daughter (and son) down the aisle. I have never related to the "giving your daughter away" sentiment.

    I feel the same way about engagement rings though...never understood why the man buys the woman an expensive ring and she is marked as engaged but he is not.

    It's tradition, I know, and I also know it's harmless, but it's not something I'd ever be comfortable with for myself. Same for my siblings.
    Laurie, mom to:
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    Quote Originally Posted by SID081108 View Post
    I have no issue with it. My husband asked for my dad's blessing (not really permission) to marry me, because he felt it was the respectful thing to do. We already knew my dad liked him and was fine with us getting married. It is a tradition, more than anything, and I like it the idea of it. It doesn't make me feel one bit like anyone's property.

    Asking for Her Hand in Marriage - The Do's and Don'ts of Asking Parents for Their Blessing on Your Engagement

    Is your mother alive? Curious why he wouldn't want her "blessing" too if so?
    Last edited by Potter75; 06-19-2013 at 10:49 AM.

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    Posting Addict ClairesMommy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freddieflounder101 View Post
    I guess for me those traditions are sexist and I can't relate to them so we didn't do any of them. I was 32 when I met Dave, we got married a few years later. My father would have been appalled, as would I, if Dave had asked permission.

    I didn't walk down an aisle, we had a non-traditional wedding, but I've been to many many weddings where both parents walked their daughter (and son) down the aisle. I have never related to the "giving your daughter away" sentiment.

    I feel the same way about engagement rings though...never understood why the man buys the woman an expensive ring and she is marked as engaged but he is not.

    It's tradition, I know, and I also know it's harmless, but it's not something I'd ever be comfortable with for myself. Same for my siblings.
    Plenty of women I know were quite happy to don that rock and never gave the symbolism behind it a second thought. It wasn't like "Look at me, I belong to someone", it was more like "Look at my bling. I want you to be jealous and make comments about it."

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    Well you know my feelings on this topic! hahaha.

    I'm not a fan of permission. It's weird to me unless the person is under 18 or something (which is weird to me too). I made it very clear that I did not want him to ask my dad's permission and my dad didn't care.

    I do have an engagement ring at his insistence. He was bummed though that by societal norms he couldn't have something to say to the world that we were engaged. He does wear his wedding ring. My dad "escorted" me down the aisle and I wanted my mom but she didn't want to (I think she was thinking of tradition). He did not "give" me away. Both sides of the family announced that we were joined together in front of the priest. It was beautiful. I also did not wear a veil over my face because I thought it was sexist.

    Do I think most people do this actually think that the woman is of lesser value..no...I think most do it for "tradition" sake. I just want people to realize how tradition can really be sexist and non feminist.
    blather likes this.
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    My husband took both of my parents out to lunch and told them he was going to propose to me and asked them if they would help be in one the surprise as he wanted to make it a whole family weekend at the beach with my sibs and parents and all. I really liked that.
    blather likes this.

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