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Thread: Permission to pop the question?

  1. #11
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    To me, that isn't asking permission. Just letting them in on it and asking for help to surprise you.

    In my head, asking permission, is to go to my dad or my parents and ask them if he could marry me. That's just odd. My parents aren't in charge of my life decisions. Why would you ask them?
    Mom to Elizabeth (6) and Corinne (4)

  2. #12
    Posting Addict KimPossible's Avatar
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    I agree that a lot of things about weddings are sexist. Its like really, i can't be bothered to try to buck tradition because of the sexist origins. I'm more interested in just doing what I enjoy doing as long as I know that in general and in lifestyle the people in my life are not overly sexist. I say overly because i know my 80+ year old father has some sexist views that he's never going to shake. Fortunately they aren't too severe.

    I like my engagement ring. I don't live my life like i'm someones property and no one treats me like property...so I will continue to enjoy my engagement ring.

    I did have both my mother and my father walk me down the aisle, just because it felt good and right to me.

    Maybe if i was worried that these things were really things holding women down I'd care more. But in my experience they are ceremonial in nature and people just enjoy the traditions for traditions sake.
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    Is your mother alive? Curious why he wouldn't want her "blessing" too if so?
    Yes, she is, and she was already planning our wedding (literally) before he actually proposed to me. The tradition is to speak to the father, and that's what he did. In his culture, (as well as ours, I believe) that conversation is a sign of respect to the father as the protector of his children. That is not to disrespect the mothers....I am the one having that conversation with her...making sure that she feels good about the choice I've made as the nurturing figure in my life. With my parents having had a long and wonderful marriage (46 years this year!), we both wanted their blessing as we began ours. I knew we had it already, but he still wanted to have that formal conversation with my father. Anyway, after that brief "man to man" conversation, which I was very comfortable with, we both talked to both of them (we were in NYC and they were in Arizona) and began the full-on planning (we got married less than a month after we got engaged).

    I am very comfortable with gender roles, in general, as I believe they are rooted and established in how God made us. Men are (typically) the protectors, while mothers are (typically) the nurturers. It makes perfect sense to me that a man would have a conversation with the father of the girl he loves, to essentially agree that he will protect her now. I was also in my early 30's when I got married, had a great career making great money and a mortgage solely in my name as well. I wasn't a weak woman who was looking for a man to "take care of her" and I don't think this tradition implies that in any way, unless people are twisting it to mean that.
    CARRIE and DH 7/14/07
    SOPHIA 8/11/08
    LAYLA 3/24/11


  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by KimPossible View Post
    I agree that a lot of things about weddings are sexist. Its like really, i can't be bothered to try to buck tradition because of the sexist origins. I'm more interested in just doing what I enjoy doing as long as I know that in general and in lifestyle the people in my life are not overly sexist. I say overly because i know my 80+ year old father has some sexist views that he's never going to shake. Fortunately they aren't too severe.

    I like my engagement ring. I don't live my life like i'm someones property and no one treats me like property...so I will continue to enjoy my engagement ring.

    I did have both my mother and my father walk me down the aisle, just because it felt good and right to me.

    Maybe if i was worried that these things were really things holding women down I'd care more. But in my experience they are ceremonial in nature and people just enjoy the traditions for traditions sake.
    For some reason I don't have a "like" button under your reply, but I like it!
    CARRIE and DH 7/14/07
    SOPHIA 8/11/08
    LAYLA 3/24/11


  5. #15
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    I don't think anyone should stop enjoying their engagement ring.

    In fact, I think people should all have the proposals, engagements, and weddings that make them happy.

    But I am not comfortable with any of those traditions that I see as sexist, those aren't the choices I would make for myself (and I didn't). I also come from a pretty non-traditional family, so it's not as if I was raised a certain way and had to rebel against it. My dad's gay, my mom took her maiden name back after my parents split up and she dated a lot while she was building up her career, and this was way back when, in the 70s. (My parents split in 1973.)

    I love my wedding ring and I love that Dave has one too. That's symbolism and tradition I can relate to completely.

    I never thought about my wedding as a kid, I never wanted to wear a bridal gown or walk down an aisle, just not my thing. (I do want to wear a gloriously fancy dress to the Oscars one day, though!)

    Dave and I discussed marriage for the first time because he brought it up, but I was the one who officially proposed. We were both in our 30s so it would have been weird to ask permission of anyone, and since we didn't do a big proposal/event, there was no need to enlist anyone's help.

    I guess I like to pick & choose the traditions that I can relate to. I really loved having the person who married us say the traditional vows: Do you, Laurie, take Dave.... I LOVED THAT. I loved the kiss after our ceremony. I loved going on a honeymoon, although we didn't go for several months. I love being Dave's wife and asking him to lift really heavy things and kill bugs that I am afraid of.

    It's all very personal to me. The traditions that are more sexist just don't have any appeal for me at all.
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  6. #16
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  7. #17
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    Laurie, I didn't think you were saying other people shouldn't enjoy it. I was simply stating why it doesn't bother me personally and why i don't let it bother me. Because I can't personally deny the sexist origins of these traditions.

    In regards to the pin, do people really think that everyone who does this, does it with genuine intent of getting an official yes or no and acting upon the answer accordingly? Because i don't. I know its just a pin, but for the sake of debate the "I would nevery marry" statement is rather strong IMO.

    I think a ton of people who go through the whole "asking the father" thing don't truly believe the father has symbolic possession over the daughter. Heck they probably only bothered to ask because they were pretty sure the reaction was going to be a happy one...not because they really needed to be sure the father approved.
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  8. #18
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    Does anyone think a guy, if he is sincerely wanting the approval, should NOT marry the girl if one of her parents says no?

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by SID081108 View Post
    Yes, she is, and she was already planning our wedding (literally) before he actually proposed to me. The tradition is to speak to the father, and that's what he did. In his culture, (as well as ours, I believe) that conversation is a sign of respect to the father as the protector of his children. That is not to disrespect the mothers....I am the one having that conversation with her...making sure that she feels good about the choice I've made as the nurturing figure in my life. With my parents having had a long and wonderful marriage (46 years this year!), we both wanted their blessing as we began ours. I knew we had it already, but he still wanted to have that formal conversation with my father. Anyway, after that brief "man to man" conversation, which I was very comfortable with, we both talked to both of them (we were in NYC and they were in Arizona) and began the full-on planning (we got married less than a month after we got engaged).

    I am very comfortable with gender roles, in general, as I believe they are rooted and established in how God made us. Men are (typically) the protectors, while mothers are (typically) the nurturers. It makes perfect sense to me that a man would have a conversation with the father of the girl he loves, to essentially agree that he will protect her now. I was also in my early 30's when I got married, had a great career making great money and a mortgage solely in my name as well. I wasn't a weak woman who was looking for a man to "take care of her" and I don't think this tradition implies that in any way, unless people are twisting it to mean that.

    Your mom was planning your wedding before you got engaged? How.....interesting.

    I was 29 when I got engaged and owned my own home, but I don't now and didn't then think of my daddy as my protector. That thought actually makes me feel uncomfortable. THough my parents and I have an extremely close relationship, protector is not a word that I would use to define his role, nor would it define why my husband had to ask his permission or would it be a role that passed from father to husband.

    Laurie I love it that you don't like engagement rings I love them. But not pictures of them on FB, remember!!! My Dad didn't "give me away", that one totally gives me the creeps. I did take my husbands name, that one was important to me, mostly for the fact that we knew we were going to have children.

    eta: was getting the same "blessing" or transference of protection/nurturing from his parents done?
    Last edited by Potter75; 06-19-2013 at 08:22 PM.
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  10. #20
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    Yeah, I didn't take his name either. My sister kept hers, my sisters-in-law kept theirs. And most of us have kids. My kids have my husband's last name. . .gotta give the poor guy SOMETHING.
    Last edited by freddieflounder101; 06-19-2013 at 12:44 PM.
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