Personal Debate - Christmas Gatherings
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Thread: Personal Debate - Christmas Gatherings

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    Default Personal Debate - Christmas Gatherings

    I would love to get some unbiased insight from some people that have a different world view than I do.

    If you (a woman) lived with someone for 10 years (a man) and had two precious little girls together (Never married), then you broke up and got together with another woman, would you still come to the man's family get togethers? Would you expect the man's family to buy you and your girlfriend Christmas presents?

    Thanks for all words of wisdom. The guy in this story is my brother, and I am afraid world war three is about to break out. My personal opinion and that of my parents is that she is still the mother of my nieces. My Sister and BIL though, do not think she should be there and do not want to come if she is there. It would be a huge help to have some other opinions, as I do not know any other homosexuals. I also do not want to loose my Brother or my nieces.

    ETA - She and my brother still live in the same house (Different bedrooms) for the sake of their kids. I do not foresee that being a permanent situation.
    Last edited by AlyssaEimers; 12-24-2012 at 06:23 PM.

    ~Bonita~

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    Community Host Sapphire Sunsets's Avatar
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    If sincerely invited i would go to the get togethers.

    I wouldn't expect them to buy me or my s/o gifts. If we had been married, then yes i would expect something for being an exDIL.


    I am shaking my head at why they still live the same house together. Does she have her g/f stay there overnight? cause thats not gonna help the kids.
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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    My mom used to come to family gatherings held at my dad/step-moms, or all 3 would attend at one of my siblings houses. That being said my dad/step-mom did not buy presents for my mom and vice versa. The only former family member who was not invited to family gatherings was my ex-BIL who was an abusive alcoholic and only after my sister left him did we find out he had been having an affair for over 10 years. Family gatherings were so stressful when he was there, although no-one else in our family drank he was always drunk and we had to tiptoe around.

    My family always just seemed to gather people and keep them. We only ever did gifts for the kids (I have 9 siblings and it just got to be too expensive) so there was no issue of gifts for exes. When there are children involved it makes it so much less stressful if everyone can get along. There was a time that my SM was jealous of my mom and could not be in the same building as my mom (she made a scene at my sister's wedding, my high school graduation...), it was so nice that my Step mom finally matured and accepted my mom (when my dad died almost 5 years ago my parents had been divorced for 30 years).

    Your ex-SIL (in Canada after living together for 1 year you are considered a common-law marriage) will always be the mother of your nieces and should be respected in that position IMO. As for them living in the same house...if it works for them... I have heard of couples who have a house together living on separate floors (like apartments)...

    eta: I do not see this as a homosexual issue but that could just be me
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sapphire Sunsets View Post


    I am shaking my head at why they still live the same house together. Does she have her g/f stay there overnight? cause thats not gonna help the kids.
    All three are living in the same house. I think he is staying there so he can still be with his kids, and because all of their finances are intertwined. I agree that you would have the same situation if it was another man. It is just so hard. I can not imagine if something happened in my relationship with DH, bringing another man to MIL's house. SIL would always be welcome, it is just weird for her to bring a new relationship.

    ~Bonita~

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    Posting Addict Rivergallery's Avatar
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    All I think is ick.. sorry.
    Ok.. I do think it is ok that the ex comes if bringing the children, whatever the living arrangements are. I do NOT think it would be appropriate to bring a significant other, regardless of gender issues... IF divorced and remarried, not just dating then possibly. It depends on the family.

    As far as gifts, you never should feel forced to give or not give a gift to anyone. Depends on you. I never bought gifts for significant others of family members. Even after my sister was with someone for 5 years I didn't instead I bought them a family gift like a board game etc.
    DH-Aug 30th 1997 Josiah - 6/3/02 Isaac 7/31/03

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    I think this has nothing to do with homosexuality, and everything to do with families and relationships.

    I wouldn't rush over with my new bf or gf and expect open arms and gifts. Once the relationship has been well established and everybody likes each other, THEN it's time to jump into that. Does the new gf buy gifts for the in-laws? For everybody?

    I think new relationships when you have kids can be tricky and you have to tread carefully. My parents split up when I was little and my mom had some different boyfriends over the years. They didn't become part of family gatherings until they had been around a while, and certainly my grandparents were never expected to buy them gifts!

    I think you can include people without being forceful. And I agree that no one should be forced to buy gifts for others.
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    I talked to my mom and she said it went ok. All three came, but no one made a huge show of anything. Thanks for letting me talk things out.

    ~Bonita~

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    Glad it went well. I think that (for the kid's sake) if everyone can stay on good terms, that is the best case scenario.
    -Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)

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    Glad it worked out.

    For the record (not that it matters), I think their living arrangement is not benefiting the kids. It is probably more confusing than anything. I have a friend going through a divorce and her husband won't move out for financial reasons (he thinks he will lose rights to his share of the house) so she is going to have to SELL the house and move her daughter out because of it. Right now it's a very unhealthy environment for her daughter, living in a house with parents who aren't together and don't like being around each other.

    My parents split up when I was young and they did us a favor, as we were able to see them both move on to other relationships (my dad's has lasted 39 years and counting) and they were able to be clear and true in their love for us without the weirdness of being around each other when their relationship had ended.

    Just my opinion.

    The gay thing probably makes it easier if the kids aren't making the connection. I didn't get that my Dad was a gay for a while.
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    Quote Originally Posted by freddieflounder101 View Post
    Glad it worked out.

    For the record (not that it matters), I think their living arrangement is not benefiting the kids. It is probably more confusing than anything. I have a friend going through a divorce and her husband won't move out for financial reasons (he thinks he will lose rights to his share of the house) so she is going to have to SELL the house and move her daughter out because of it. Right now it's a very unhealthy environment for her daughter, living in a house with parents who aren't together and don't like being around each other.

    My parents split up when I was young and they did us a favor, as we were able to see them both move on to other relationships (my dad's has lasted 39 years and counting) and they were able to be clear and true in their love for us without the weirdness of being around each other when their relationship had ended.

    Just my opinion.

    The gay thing probably makes it easier if the kids aren't making the connection. I didn't get that my Dad was a gay for a while.
    I think the situation is heartbreaking for the kids.

    ~Bonita~

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