Public Spanking

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Public Spanking

I'm sure this has been debated to the last breath, but since I haven't seen one...

Do you think spanking in public is appropriate for (non-dangerous) incidents of your child misbehaving? What do you think of others that spank in public?

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This is sparked from a recent incident of a kid getting spanked for crying in the store and honestly I cringed, I felt sad for that child and outrage at the parents. It wasn't my child, so I wasn't in a place to say anything but he was crying...I doubt spanking and inflicting pain/embarrassment will help that.

Obviously, I'm on the no-spanking side...period. We use other methods and they work for now. I just don't like physically hurting my child. And I've heard, "It doesn't hurt them"...well, I've been slapped before and it doesn't feel good.

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Yep. Popped my kid's butt on the way out of daycare. I told him we needed to hurry and were in the parking lot when he pulled his hand out of mine and ran in the opposite direction (towards the building). Picked him up- whop- talked about it and went about our business. No one raised an eyebrow.

I usually feel sad for the kids who you can tell get too much "gentle" discipline which often means not nearly enough. The parents who want to be friends with their children instead of guiding them and teaching them what is wrong, what is harmful, and what is right are the ones who outrage me.

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"wlillie" wrote:

Yep. Popped my kid's butt on the way out of daycare. I told him we needed to hurry and were in the parking lot when he pulled his hand out of mine and ran in the opposite direction (towards the building). Picked him up- whop- talked about it and went about our business. No one raised an eyebrow.

I usually feel sad for the kids who you can tell get too much "gentle" discipline which often means not nearly enough. The parents who want to be friends with their children instead of guiding them and teaching them what is wrong, what is harmful, and what is right are the ones who outrage me.

I specifically said non-dangerous situations to avoid the whole "my kid ran in the parking lot" because that is a different situation, although I still wouldn't spank personally.

Children need to be disciplined, my daughter listens pretty darn well thus far without physically touching her.

I really don't understand your last sentence? You can teach children all of those things without hitting them, no?

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While i don't have major problems with spanking, i think there is a public humiliation factor involved in doing things like this publicly that I don't like....but to me that isn't unique to spanking. A public verbal assault on a child is equally humiliating and i dislike it equally for example

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I think spanking sucks, publicly or privately.

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I think that hitting a child is wrong. I also think that not all parents who refuse to hit their children want to be "friends" with their child.

I think that the key to most relationships is acting the same in terms of kindness and consideration and respect whether in private or in public. I try to hold myself to the same standards in how I treat my children and my spouse and my friends whether in public or in private. If you can't do it "in public" it is clear that whatever you are doing (whether physically hitting or emotionally shaming or verbally attacking etc) is wrong.

I'm so grateful to have many other options and ways to get through to my child without hitting them.

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Oh, I wasn't saying that people that don't spank aren't disciplining, I'm talking about those parents who think their child's fragile state of being can't handle being told no occasionally. I know this isn't regional as I've watched children "throw down" in California, N Carolina, S Carolina, Georgia, Ohio, Nebraska, Kansas, and Texas with little to no reaction from their parents.

I agree with Potter about the not being able to do it in public/private thing except I'm on the opposite side of the fence on spanking.

Rebecca-I would have done the same thing if I'd told him to do something that wasn't to keep him out of danger as often as I've told him to hold my hand in the parking lot and he didn't do it. He actually states "hold mom's hand" when we walk out of the doors so I know he knows what's expected. I use time-outs, talking, taking away toys, and other methods of discipline too, but occasionally a pop on the butt does a hell of a lot more a hell of a lot faster.

eta- I don't advocate spanking with an object, spanking for every little thing, spanking hard or that it's for everyone, but it works for our family.

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"Potter75" wrote:

I think that hitting a child is wrong. I also think that not all parents who refuse to hit their children want to be "friends" with their child.

I think that the key to most relationships is acting the same in terms of kindness and consideration and respect whether in private or in public. I try to hold myself to the same standards in how I treat my children and my spouse and my friends whether in public or in private. If you can't do it "in public" it is clear that whatever you are doing (whether physically hitting or emotionally shaming or verbally attacking etc) is wrong.

I'm so grateful to have many other options and ways to get through to my child without hitting them.

I like this, I agree.

I don't hit people.

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"Potter75" wrote:

I think that hitting a child is wrong. I also think that not all parents who refuse to hit their children want to be "friends" with their child.

I think that the key to most relationships is acting the same in terms of kindness and consideration and respect whether in private or in public. I try to hold myself to the same standards in how I treat my children and my spouse and my friends whether in public or in private. If you can't do it "in public" it is clear that whatever you are doing (whether physically hitting or emotionally shaming or verbally attacking etc) is wrong.

I'm so grateful to have many other options and ways to get through to my child without hitting them.

Very well said. You made my point more clear! I agree!

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"JorgieGirl" wrote:

I like this, I agree.

I don't hit people.

I like this. Short and to the point.

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I would usually at least try to go to a out of the way corner or something but will definitely spank in public if necessary. Really the only time I can think of this happening for me is in church, and I will take them out into the hallway but sometimes there are still people around.

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"Potter75" wrote:

I try to hold myself to the same standards in how I treat my children and my spouse and my friends whether in public or in private. If you can't do it "in public" it is clear that whatever you are doing (whether physically hitting or emotionally shaming or verbally attacking etc) is wrong.

Eh, I don't know. There are lots of things people do privately that they don't do publicly. I have heart-to-hearts with my husband about things that I'm frustrated with. We do that privately because it's not any one else's business that I'd like him to try harder to remember to, say, pick up his socks that he's leaving all over the house.

I don't tend to spank in public, but will privately. But, I also pull my child aside when we're in public and I need to be stern with him. If it's something like asking him to put down something that he picked up, I'll just take care of that more publicly. But, if he's repeatedly misbehaving or not listening, I might pull him aside and say something like, "I've given you lots of warnings and I will not repeat myself again. If you continue to do X, you will lose some of your (insert privilege here) time when we get home." I pull him aside because that conversation is no one else's business; it's private. It would be a similar way that I might handle spanking, though I don't think I ever have, since it's something I rarely do.

So, I don't think that something is necessarily "wrong" just because you'll only do it privately.

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Of course. Like poop. Or sex. Nothing wrong with pooping or having the sex, but I don't want to do it publicly.

I think that most people don't spank in public because they are secretly ashamed that they hit their child.

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"Potter75" wrote:

Of course. Like poop. Or sex. Nothing wrong with pooping or having the sex, but I don't want to do it publicly.

Ha! Yes, that's what I was thinking, at first. I tried to go with examples that had to do with correcting a behavior.

"Potter75" wrote:

I think that most people don't spank in public because they are secretly ashamed that they hit their child.

I suppose that might be true for some. Like I said, for me, it's more about not feeling like it's anyone else's business, in the same way that I would handle a stern correction. Surely there are many other people who feel that way, as well.

I wonder if "people who don't spank" would tend to have your same perception that it's about being ashamed, while "people who spank" would have my perception that it's about taking the next step in correcting behavior and that it's just private.

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"Potter75" wrote:

Of course. Like poop. Or sex. Nothing wrong with pooping or having the sex, but I don't want to do it publicly.

I think that most people don't spank in public because they are secretly ashamed that they hit their child.

To the bolded, I also think that people are afraid that CPS will be called on them. Heck, I was afraid that they would be called because Brooke broke her leg and it took us over a week to take her to the doctor (it was a complete break of the fibula, non weight bearing bone, so she just had a small limp, not crying or seeming like she was in pain.)

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"Potter75" wrote:

Of course. Like poop. Or sex. Nothing wrong with pooping or having the sex, but I don't want to do it publicly.

I think that most people don't spank in public because they are secretly ashamed that they hit their child.

Exactly, just like they would be ashamed to smack their spouse in anger while in front of other people.

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"b525" wrote:

Ha! Yes, that's what I was thinking, at first. I tried to go with examples that had to do with correcting a behavior.

I suppose that might be true for some. Like I said, for me, it's more about not feeling like it's anyone else's business, in the same way that I would handle a stern correction. Surely there are many other people who feel that way, as well.

I wonder if "people who don't spank" would tend to have your same perception that it's about being ashamed, while "people who spank" would have my perception that it's about taking the next step in correcting behavior and that it's just private.

I thought about it as well when I first wrote it, but beyond simple tact and discretion, there are laws which preclude us from pooping or getting naked in public. Not so with spanking.

I do think that most people who do not hit their children relate an unwillingness to spank in public to shame about the action itself.

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"RebeccaA'07" wrote:

Exactly, just like they would be ashamed to smack their spouse in anger while in front of other people.

The irony is that this would be illegal, but hitting a small, defenseless child isn't. Weird, isn't it?

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I think that's probably true, Melis. If someone believes in spanking as a form of discipline, then why should it matter if it's private or public? If you spank, you spank. If a spanker can't perform their chosen method of discipline in public, there must be a reason and shame seems to be the most obvious, to me. That's how I see it, anyway. I'd love to know if there are other reasons.

I guess 'not wanting to be judged' could be one, but as a judger of spankers, I'm equally judgey regardless of the location of the spank.

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"JorgieGirl" wrote:

I think that's probably true, Melis. If someone believes in spanking as a form of discipline, then why should it matter if it's private or public? If you spank, you spank. If a spanker can't perform their chosen method of discipline in public, there must be a reason and shame seems to be the most obvious, to me. That's how I see it, anyway. I'd love to know if there are other reasons.

So whatever form of discipline you use, do you do it blatantly in front of everyone? Do you announce to everyone in earshot that you are going to punish your child and what the punishment is to be? You don't see how a spanking or any form of discipline is more humiliating to a child in front of people than it is in private? You don't think it could possibly be that a public spanking is also embarassing to the child?

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"GloriaInTX" wrote:

So whatever form of discipline you use, do you do it blatantly in front of everyone? Do you announce to everyone in earshot that you are going to punish your child and what the punishment is to be? You don't see how a spanking or any form of discipline is more humiliating to a child in front of people than it is in private? You don't think it could possibly be that a public spanking is also embarassing to the child?

Being spanked is humiliating and shameful to a child, period. Publicly or privately.

I absolutely correct my child publicly. Because I have self control. I don't need to hit them or scream at them, you see. Why would I be ashamed of verbally correcting a wrong action in public? Most of the world views helping kids learn right from wrong or how to behave in public as an integral part of a parents job.

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"JorgieGirl" wrote:

I think that's probably true, Melis. If someone believes in spanking as a form of discipline, then why should it matter if it's private or public? If you spank, you spank. If a spanker can't perform their chosen method of discipline in public, there must be a reason and shame seems to be the most obvious, to me. That's how I see it, anyway. I'd love to know if there are other reasons.

I guess 'not wanting to be judged' could be one, but as a judger of spankers, I'm equally judgey regardless of the location of the spank.

I gave my reasoning in Post #13 on this thread. To sum it up, I see it similarly to how I might have a serious conversation with my spouse or my child about a behavior I'd like to see changed. I would never do that publicly, either.

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"GloriaInTX" wrote:

So whatever form of discipline you use, do you do it blatantly in front of everyone? Do you announce to everyone in earshot that you are going to punish your child and what the punishment is to be? You don't see how a spanking or any form of discipline is more humiliating to a child in front of people than it is in private? You don't think it could possibly be that a public spanking is also embarassing to the child?

I know it wasn;t directed at me but I absolutely use discipline in public if needed. If my child is acting up, I will take him outside for a time out and he will stand there until he feels he can participate. I have pulled the car over into a parking lot and given time outs outside the car. Is it embarrassing? sure.But no more embarrassing then them acting up they way they are.

So I don't get the "no spanking in public" thing being anything other then not wanting people to see you spank your kid. I really don't buy it that the reason is to not embarrass the child. Isn;t their behavior embarrassing? What good is a discipline measure that requires waiting until you get home? I think having to take a child out of public sight to administer a punishment gives a pretty clear message to the child, IMO.

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"GloriaInTX" wrote:

So whatever form of discipline you use, do you do it blatantly in front of everyone? Do you announce to everyone in earshot that you are going to punish your child and what the punishment is to be? You don't see how a spanking or any form of discipline is more humiliating to a child in front of people than it is in private? You don't think it could possibly be that a public spanking is also embarassing to the child?

Yes, this is a given. I just don't think it's the real reason for a parent to not spank in public.

And I discpline my children whether I'm in public or not. I don't just let them get away with things because we're out and about. I'm not really concerned about who's around to witness it. If my child doesn't want to be disciplined in public, they should behave in public.

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"b525" wrote:

I gave my reasoning in Post #13 on this thread. To sum it up, I see it similarly to how I might have a serious conversation with my spouse or my child about a behavior I'd like to see changed. I would never do that publicly, either.

Yeah but that analogy is faulty because the action here is spanking. In your analogy the actionis talking. I assume you talk in public.

I have lost it and yelled at my kids before. I have never done it in public because I know it is wrong.

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"Potter75" wrote:

Spanking a child is humiliating and shameful to a child, period. Publicly or privately.

I absolutely correct my child publicly. Because I have self control. I don't need to hit them or scream at them, you see. Why would I be ashamed of verbally correcting a wrong action in public? Most of the world views helping kids learn right from wrong or how to behave in public as an integral part of a parents job.

So in other words people who spank their children have no self control? I am not ashamed of my methods of correction, and I also have self control. That has nothing to do with it. I do not spank my children because I am angry. I may sometimes choose to spank my child in private because it is less shameful to them than to do it in front of everyone depending on the reason. But I am not embarrassed to spank in public if I feel it has to be done right then and I am not ashamed of it in the least.

ETA: One reason that I don't spank often in public is that I don't spank for every little infraction, and there is usually nothing serious enough that would occur in public that would need a spanking.

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I'm just going to come out and say that I think the reason people spank is because it is easy and gets immediate results.

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Meh, that is just you being defensive and reading into my words. I simply stated that I have self control, I didn't say anything about you.

If you are able to hit your child with self control, bully for you. That is nice that you take their shame into consideration before you hit them and move them to a more private location to be hit.

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"culturedmom" wrote:

I'm just going to come out and say that I think the reason people spank is because it is easy and gets immediate results.

It depends on the age of the child. When they get a little older all you have to do is warn them that spanking will be the result if the behavior continues to get immediate results. You rarely have to actually follow through with it, but occasionally you do have to back up what you say.

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Yes, I am sure that fear of being hurt can be a powerful motivator. No doubt about that.

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"culturedmom" wrote:

I have lost it and yelled at my kids before. I have never done it in public because I know it is wrong.

This is the analogy I always use too. There is no law against spanking in public, is there? Just like there is no law against yelling at your kids in public. So I think that the "fear of CPS" thing is a sort of weak argument. But while I admit that I have occasionally straight up yelled at my kid, I have never done it in public because I know that yelling is the wrong way to handle things. It's not even out of consideration for my kid's feelings that I don't yell in public, it's because it would be really embarrasing for me.

The fact that people don't spank in public because they are worried about what other people will think kind of proves to me that at some level they know that what they are doing is wrong, or at least not the best way to handle things.

I get why people want to spank their kids. I have had a few bad moments where I've about half considered it myself, when I just didn't seem to be getting any results with talking, time outs, et cetera. I just don't think it's the right thing to do, any more than yelling is the right thing to do. I don't want to give my kids the idea that it is okay to hit someone (or that it is okay for someone to hit them) because they are younger than you, or smaller than you, or not as smart as you, or are under your authority, or whatever reason exists that supposedly makes it okay to hit little kids, but not anyone else.

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I try not to judge I really do. My first child would cry if you looked at her crossed eyed. I couldn't figure out why anyone would ever strike a child because all you'd have to do is tell them to stop and they would. Then I had my son who took everything you told him not to do as a personal challenge and it dawned on me that people spank because sometimes with some kids that's what works.

If I see a parent spank (not brutally beat ok there's a difference) a child in public I figure either the parent is having a really bad day or they know the best way to handle their child.

Kathy

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"KathyH24" wrote:

I try not to judge I really do. My first child would cry if you looked at her crossed eyed. I couldn't figure out why anyone would ever strike a child because all you'd have to do is tell them to stop and they would. Then I had my son who took everything you told him not to do as a personal challenge and it dawned on me that people spank because sometimes with some kids that's what works.

If I see a parent spank (not brutally beat ok there's a difference) a child in public I figure either the parent is having a really bad day or they know the best way to handle their child.

Kathy

Yup.

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"KathyH24" wrote:

I try not to judge I really do. My first child would cry if you looked at her crossed eyed. I couldn't figure out why anyone would ever strike a child because all you'd have to do is tell them to stop and they would. Then I had my son who took everything you told him not to do as a personal challenge and it dawned on me that people spank because sometimes with some kids that's what works.

If I see a parent spank (not brutally beat ok there's a difference) a child in public I figure either the parent is having a really bad day or they know the best way to handle their child.

Kathy

I am just having a hard time understanding the "sometimes some people just need to be hit" reasoning. I totally get that some kids are way more difficult then others and I totally agree that discipline methods need to be tailored to different kids. But I still don't buy it that some kids just need to be hit and that is the only way they will listen.

There is every kind of child in public school. From the most difficult to the easy going. Yet they seem to be OK finding other methods other then hitting. And if you look at the most difficult kids with actual behavioral problems, the institutions that educate them still do not use corpral punsihment and actually therapists say it is counter productive. So then what kind fochild needs physical punishment?

Look, I totally get that some kids are just more ornary then others. But IMO, what they require is more consistancy and schedules. You might not get the immediate results because of their strong will but when is immediate results the way to parent?

By the way, I'm not judging anyone for spanking. What you do with your kids is your problem. And when I see a parent spank a child or yell at a child my first thought is that they must be having a bad day and I know what that is like. But I don't think that they are practicing good parenting. That thought just does not mesh with hitting in my mind. when I yell, I am not a good parent.

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"KathyH24" wrote:

I try not to judge I really do. My first child would cry if you looked at her crossed eyed. I couldn't figure out why anyone would ever strike a child because all you'd have to do is tell them to stop and they would. Then I had my son who took everything you told him not to do as a personal challenge and it dawned on me that people spank because sometimes with some kids that's what works.

If I see a parent spank (not brutally beat ok there's a difference) a child in public I figure either the parent is having a really bad day or they know the best way to handle their child.

Kathy

Or, "sometimes with some parents they can't come up with any other solution so they rely on hitting their child".

As to your last sentence, if you saw a man hitting his wife in public (just striking, not brutally beating), would you also assume that he was just having a really bad day but he knew the best way to handle his wife?

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Do the anti-spankers really see that many people hitting their child in anger? I don't think I'd be OK with someone spanking while they were still mad, but I have a flash temper which is usually gone in about 3 seconds and when that's over is when I spank (except in parking lots; still can't believe that happened to me). I can't imagine spanking my child while I was angry, but maybe I'm in the minority?

I wouldn't give my spouse a time-out anymore than I'd spank him so I'm guessing the two situations aren't really related. Dirol

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They are totally related.

Spankers feel that it is okay to hit a young, small, vulnerable person, but not an adult, grown, equal person. I can't wrap my head around that.

I don't know many people who actually strike their children in my circle/area, so I'm going off what I remember from my childhood when more people were not ashamed to spank in public. I get that some people say "I spank in love"......it is just an oxymoron to me. I don't hit anything "in love", so I have a hard time understanding or believing that there is no anger/frustration/end of rope component involved when someone decides that hitting their child is a great course of action.

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You wouldn't "spank" your husband, but would you "hit" him? SPanking is hitting.

I have noticed that spankers like to soften the actual reality of the act by obscuring the terms. I have seen them use "pop" "swat" and "spank" but rarely hit. I think that that is interesting.

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I do send my DH on time outs. Maybe not in the corner, but when we're at odds we take some time to ourselves to sort our feelings before raising our voices. So, yeah, it does relate. Just on a different level. Same thing though.

And the obscuring of the terms has always hurt my head. Call it what it is. Own your actions. Cause to a child who doesn't have such a wide vocabulary or an understanding of the small differences between words that are similar, hitting is the same as spanking, swatting, popping or otherwise.

I just always come back to Astrid Lindgren's speech when she accepted a Peace Prize:
http://www.atlc.org/Resources/never_violence.php

"When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking--the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside and find a switch for her to hit him with. The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, "Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me."

This one always resonated with me and, along with my parents as an example, put me firmly in the anti-spanking category.

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"wlillie" wrote:

Do the anti-spankers really see that many people hitting their child in anger? I don't think I'd be OK with someone spanking while they were still mad, but I have a flash temper which is usually gone in about 3 seconds and when that's over is when I spank (except in parking lots; still can't believe that happened to me). I can't imagine spanking my child while I was angry, but maybe I'm in the minority?

I wouldn't give my spouse a time-out anymore than I'd spank him so I'm guessing the two situations aren't really related. Dirol

Do spankers think there is any other way to hit other then in anger? Not to mention I am not sure what it matters whether it is in anger or not. If someone hit me I would not care if they said they were angry when they did it or not. Are you really saying you hit out of love? That's kind of messed up really if it is what you are saying. It makes me think of the women I have talked to who believe their SO hit them out of love. Creepy.

And I do think it is very much related. Time-outs are a method of taking a moment to compose ones self instead of just reacting to an emotion. It's the act of learning to relate to ones feeligns and to reflect on ones actions and how they effect those around you. That sounds like something everyone at any age should learn to do. I mean isn't that the purpose of discipline? To teach a child, not only right and wrong behavior, but to also give them the tools necessary to do it on their own?

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"Potter75" wrote:

You wouldn't "spank" your husband, but would you "hit" him? SPanking is hitting.

I have noticed that spankers like to soften the actual reality of the act by obscuring the terms. I have seen them use "pop" "swat" and "spank" but rarely hit. I think that that is interesting.

Well, I think they are different because of their intent. People who spank have the intention to discipline, whether it works or not or is right or not. Spanking is a form of discipline for the purpose of teaching a lesson. It's a form of hitting, yes, but I see the purpose in calling it something else.

Kind of like one can make the argument that Abortion is in effect killing but many of us don't call it that.(and please, this was meant to explain the op, not to start an abortion debate though I know someone is going to take it there I fear).

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"culturedmom" wrote:

Do spankers think there is any other way to hit other then in anger? Not to mention I am not sure what it matters whether it is in anger or not. If someone hit me I would not care if they said they were angry when they did it or not. Are you really saying you hit out of love? That's kind of messed up really if it is what you are saying. It makes me think of the women I have talked to who believe their SO hit them out of love. Creepy.

And I do think it is very much related. Time-outs are a method of taking a moment to compose ones self instead of just reacting to an emotion. It's the act of learning to relate to ones feeligns and to reflect on ones actions and how they effect those around you. That sounds like something everyone at any age should learn to do. I mean isn't that the purpose of discipline? To teach a child, not only right and wrong behavior, but to also give them the tools necessary to do it on their own?

Yea, I don't get the "I don't spank out of anger"...really? Because when I feel like hitting something, I am angry.

We teach our children not to hit others, but yet you (in general) hit them? Makes no sense.

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"Potter75" wrote:

You wouldn't "spank" your husband, but would you "hit" him? SPanking is hitting.

I have noticed that spankers like to soften the actual reality of the act by obscuring the terms. I have seen them use "pop" "swat" and "spank" but rarely hit. I think that that is interesting.

My son already knows the difference between push, hit, slap, pinch, and bite before he turned three. It's really not that big of a stretch to realize that spanking (my definition- swat on the butt that isn't really all that painful and should never leave a mark) is different from hitting (which is what you do when you are trying to harm someone)

"JorgieGirl" wrote:

I do send my DH on time outs. Maybe not in the corner, but when we're at odds we take some time to ourselves to sort our feelings before raising our voices. So, yeah, it does relate. Just on a different level. Same thing though.

And the obscuring of the terms has always hurt my head. Call it what it is. Own your actions. Cause to a child who doesn't have such a wide vocabulary or an understanding of the small differences between words that are similar, hitting is the same as spanking, swatting, popping or otherwise.

I just always come back to Astrid Lindgren's speech when she accepted a Peace Prize:
http://www.atlc.org/Resources/never_violence.php

This one always resonated with me and, along with my parents as an example, put me firmly in the anti-spanking category.

You must have a different marriage than me. We do not discipline each other which is what I was referring to with the words time-out.

"culturedmom" wrote:

Do spankers think there is any other way to hit other then in anger? Not to mention I am not sure what it matters whether it is in anger or not. If someone hit me I would not care if they said they were angry when they did it or not. Are you really saying you hit out of love? That's kind of messed up really if it is what you are saying. It makes me think of the women I have talked to who believe their SO hit them out of love. Creepy.

And I do think it is very much related. Time-outs are a method of taking a moment to compose ones self instead of just reacting to an emotion. It's the act of learning to relate to ones feeligns and to reflect on ones actions and how they effect those around you. That sounds like something everyone at any age should learn to do. I mean isn't that the purpose of discipline? To teach a child, not only right and wrong behavior, but to also give them the tools necessary to do it on their own?

Do you discipline your husband? I'm really getting confused.

I don't hit out of love, I spank to reinforce the lesson being taught. I'm sorry it disgusts you, but it's really not my problem. I am NOT ashamed of my decision and I've read all the research that's going to get posted claiming that children who are spanked become child molesters, have anger issues, and are generally a lower class of people than those that aren't spanked. Since I'm one of them, I really find it silly to claim any of that.

I just know that when I ask my child to do something I usually don't have to hear him tell me no and if he does all I have to do is ask him if it's worth a time-out (or horror of all horrors a spanking) and he does what I ask of him *most of the time*.

If you have better results with your method of discipline, kudos. Smile

OH- and if you are spanking when you are angry, I think people are much more likely to actually hurt the child which is why *I* don't spank when I'm still mad about the incident that warrants a spanking.

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"RebeccaA'07" wrote:

Do you think spanking in public is appropriate for (non-dangerous) incidents of your child misbehaving? What do you think of others that spank in public?

I don't understand spanking because, as others have stated, I don't understand the disconnect between "spanking" and "hitting" and it being okay for adults to hit children, but not for children to hit other children or adults to hit other adults. Honestly, I feel like part of not hitting my kids (aside from feeling it's ethically wrong for my family) is laziness on my part. It's easier for my to not have to explain the disconnect and exceptions and just have a global "hitting is wrong" rule for our family.

ETA: How I feel about public spanking depends on the situation. Sometimes you can tell people are calm and just applying their routine discipline. Other times it is out of hand and makes me wonder how much worse it would be without public scrutiny (similar to when I see a man berating his partner or vice versa).

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I'll take the bait on that one Lillie. I do admit to feeling like spankers are a bit archaic. Not necessarily a lower class of people.....but there is something very throwback about people who hit children to "teach them a lesson" to me. Not that that defines them, I'm just talking about something throwback about that one aspect is all.

I flipped out on my daughter once. She painted all over her bedroom wall. All.OVER. And the rug. and a dresser. It was a classic case of trying to do something fun gone awry, not malice (she was 2). I felt disgusted with myself for my reaction and will never forget it. I felt trashy for yelling at her like I did. I know that is how I would feel (but more so) if I hit my kids, that is essentially the main reason we don't spank, I don't care about stats and whatnot. Maybe I just stay angry for too long to be a spanker. I was literally angry 4 hours later about it. It would have been weird to have to wait 4 or 5 hours (my DH was out of town) to administer a spanking, I always feel like kids are a bit like puppies at young ages and if you don't catch and correct in the moment, the lesson is lost.

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"Potter75" wrote:

I'll take the bait on that one Lillie. I do admit to feeling like spankers are a bit archaic. Not necessarily a lower class of people.....but there is something very throwback about people who hit children to "teach them a lesson" to me. Not that that defines them, I'm just talking about something throwback about that one aspect is all.

I flipped out on my daughter once. She painted all over her bedroom wall. All.OVER. And the rug. and a dresser. It was a classic case of trying to do something fun gone awry, not malice (she was 2). I felt disgusted with myself for my reaction and will never forget it. I felt trashy for yelling at her like I did. I know that is how I would feel (but more so) if I hit my kids, that is essentially the main reason we don't spank, I don't care about stats and whatnot. Maybe I just stay angry for too long to be a spanker. I was literally angry 4 hours later about it. It would have been weird to have to wait 4 or 5 hours (my DH was out of town) to administer a spanking, I always feel like kids are a bit like puppies at young ages and if you don't catch and correct in the moment, the lesson is lost.

This is what I was going to say too - I think it probably depends on your own temperment and temper, but I know that if I spanked my son, I would be spanking him in anger. The reason that I know this is a) I have only ever been tempted to try spanking when I am completely frazzled and at the end of my rope anyway and b) if he's done something that makes me mad enough to spank, it's going to take me a little while to cool back down. I agree with Melissa, my philosophy with small children is that both punishments and rewards have to be pretty much immediate to have the best effect. If I waited until I cooled down, I would be spanking a while after the fact, and if I didn't wait until I cooled down, I would definitely be spanking in anger.

I have to admit that I can have a hot temper, so maybe that's why I can't let myself spank. There are times when I have to put myself in time out, because I feel like I simply can't be calm and civil until I take a minute or two to breathe deeply and consciously relax. It's possible that some people are better suited to using spanking as a discipline tactic because they have calmer tempers than I do. But that's hard for me to relate to, tbh.

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I don't hit DH, he doesn't hit me, and neither of us hit our kids. I prefer timeouts not only because it gives DD time to 'reflect' quietly on her naughtiness, but it gives me 4 whole minutes of cool-down time myself.

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See, since your family decided spanking wasn't an appropriate discipline technique, I can understand why you wouldn't know that you can spank when you're not angry. I'd lose my mind if I found out that someone spanked my child becasue they were frazzled or at a loss as to what to do, but have no problem if my dh or family members felt like he needed a "hit" on the butt.

Like I said, my temper is fast, but it also goes away really fast. Jason gets more spankings from me than dh and dh has a much larger tolerance for his shennanigans than I do which affects how often he spanks. He would never spank Jason in anger either so since it takes him longer to calm down, he doesn't spank often.

We like time-out too. I use it when I'm too mad (which does happen) to calm down myself. I've also put myself in time-out before and have no problem admitting that I occasionally yell. I am uber proud of the fact that when I punish my child (so far) that it's because he did something I told him not to do or didn't do something I told him to do. I can handle toddler messes, accidents, and almost anything besides him just blatantly doing something he's not supposed to do and knows he's not supposed to do.

I understand that you think that the yelling wasn't as trashy as my spanking, but I feel differently. I'm not perfect, but unless my child is purposely doing something wrong or about to get hurt I remove myself from the situation, calm down, and then come back and talk to him. I do growl as I'm walking away; does that count as yelling? If so, disregard entire paragraph.

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Oh, sorry if I wasn't clear. I "know" that people only hit their child when they are totally calm, I just don't believe it. Smile I understand that that is what people say that they do.

Obviously you are just a way calmer/better mother than me, but coming out of the shower on a lovely afternoon with a husband out of town, dripping wet and naked, three little kids just up from nap and needing me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,to find brown acryllic paint all over a white rug, pink wall, white dresser and expensive quilt (she took on this artistic endeavor at naptime when I assumed she was asleep like her sibs).....well, yep. I was angry. And yep, I felt guilty. It wasn't a "toddler mess", it was something that she knew that she was not supposed to do. You may have only been angry for 3 seconds before you hit your son calmly, but I totally admit to being angry for hours as I scrubbed walls and tried to wrangle three kids out of the mess at the same time. Again, "calm hitting" is just an oxymoron to me. Spanking with love, or with a calm serene smile gacks me out as much as someone in a full out rage swatting away at their kids bum.

To get into the "what is trashier" thing isn't a game I'm up for at the moment.

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I didn't mean that the way you took it. I just meant that we have different methods of parenting. I put "yet" in my post for a reason. If I had three children and they knew they weren't supposed to play in the paint and one of them did it anyway, I'd probably yell too. Wasn't playing who is more trashy game.

OTOH- thanks for your respectful posts. They've been great in this thread. Really Special.

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