S/O "Give Uncle Freddy a Kiss"

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S/O "Give Uncle Freddy a Kiss"

Do you make your kids give kisses? Say, to Grandma when you go to say goodbye?

If you told your child to give someone a kiss and they refused, would you make them? Do you feel pressured by relatives or acquaintances to make your child give a kiss/hug at hello's or goodbyes?

carg0612's picture
Joined: 09/23/09
Posts: 1554

Nope. I have them do lots of thank-you's and hugs and sometimes a big handshake (depending on the recipient). Not a big kissy person as it is a total germ spreader.

We also do high fives and if someone is sick we do foot-fives. I guess we're all a little germaphobic Smile

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Mmmmm....I don't *make" him, but I guess I encourage him. We're a very huggy-kissy family, so it's just kind of the norm to hug and kiss when we say hello and goodbye. Plus, DH and I are always always hugging and kissing him, just because. So I think that hugging and kissing is just what you do, and I think that's mostly how he sees it too. I can only think of one or two times when he has balked at hugging and kissing, but I don't think I pressed the issue - I think I just kind of rolled my eyes at the person who he was refusing to hug and said something like "Someone needs a nap."

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

I am very picky and choosy on who I kiss or even hug so I would never force my kids to kiss/hug somebody. I will insist they say hello/good-bye to whomever and if THEY choose to give a kiss/hug, that's fine. I absolutely hate when certain people (*coughMILcough*) force the kids into a hug or kiss too... if the child is comfortable and willing, fine... if they're struggling/pushing away, that would be an indication they don't want it, so please don't force it thankyouverymuch. I would be apt to say "go give grandma/whoever a hug" at times though... but again, ultimately the contact would be up to the child... as long as they are polite/etc. we're good.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

The only ones my kids give kisses to are close relatives. When they're really little, I have told them to give them a goodbye kiss but never forced them. Now they automatically do whenever they feel like it, just like they do with anyone else they feel like hugging or kissing goodbye. No pressure from others to kiss though.

ange84's picture
Joined: 12/28/09
Posts: 6564

DS is a fairly affectionate kid, but stubborn as a mule. We encourage kisses and he usually gives them, but if he doesn't want to whoever it usually just leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4104

Nope! With the grandparents & aunts, we encourage a hug & kiss but won't force it. Anyone else, not at all. Sometimes when we're leaving a playdate, if it's a close friend, I'll say, "Give Sarah a hug & say thanks for letting you over to play with Bob & Jane!" but if it doesn't happen, I'm not distraught.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6697

If I asked my child to, I would expect them to obey, but I would only ask them to kiss me, Daddy, or Grandma. My girls are very affectionate though and I have to be very careful or my middle daughter would kiss ANYONE. It is much more of a problem to get them to not run up to complete strangers and give them a hug.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

I am NOT a touchy person and hate giving people "goodbye hugs"... Actually I do everything I can to avoid them.

So, no, I would never make my kids kiss or hug anyone they didn't want to.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3255

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

Mmmmm....I don't *make" him, but I guess I encourage him. We're a very huggy-kissy family, so it's just kind of the norm to hug and kiss when we say hello and goodbye. Plus, DH and I are always always hugging and kissing him, just because. So I think that hugging and kissing is just what you do, and I think that's mostly how he sees it too.

Us too.

Sometimes Juliet won't hug people goodbye and we do the whole "Don't give Grandma a hug! She doesn't like it! Don't do it!" and then she laughs and giggles and hugs. But if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. Kisses especially.

My son is easier in that way, I don't think it has come up, but I wouldn't actually ask him to hug or kiss someone he didn't feel he wanted to anyway. He hugs all of my friends when they visit...he's an affectionate guy.

We are very affectionate at our house as well...I kiss the kids a million times if we're snuggling watching tv or playing a game or something. So they are used to it!

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

I'm Latin and Jewish. Both sides kiss and hug. Latins kiss on the cheek just about anyone we meet. Just how it is. So yes, when we leave family's house I tell the kids to give a hug and a kiss and they just have to do it (though they do it anyway because it is how they grew up). I guess if my kid started crying and didn't want to I wouldn't make them but that would just not make sense because that's how they were raised and it's just what we do.

Not kissing because of germs? Weird to me.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6697

I wanted to add a few things. First, in my mind the only situation that I can think of that I would ask my girls to give someone a kiss would be "Go give Daddy a kiss good night" and if they said "no", it would not be an issue with giving Daddy a kiss, but the good night part. The same with giving Grandma a kiss good bye. I know my girls well enough to know if I asked them to give Grandma a kiss good bye and they said no, it would be an issue with not wanting to leave, not with not wanting to kiss Grandma. Now I do know some little boys at church who are not affectionate at all. If it was a genuine desire to not kiss, then I would understand that, but I would still not expect them to pitch a royal kicking and screaming fit.

The second thing I wanted to add was that I would never ask the girls to go kiss "Uncle Freddy". Because they are so affectionate we have a blanket, "You can not kiss any boys except Daddy". They are so young it would be confusing to say, "except Daddy, Uncle Henry, Uncle Sam, Uncle Bob, ect...." My middle daughter has been known to go up to complete strangers in a store and hug them or go up to men at church and sit in their lap. At this point we feel it is best to teach her not to kiss/hug any men except Daddy at least until she is old enough to understand who is ok and who is not. Even then maybe not.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6697

"freddieflounder101" wrote:

We are very affectionate at our house as well...I kiss the kids a million times if we're snuggling watching tv or playing a game or something. So they are used to it!

Ditto

fuchsiasky's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 955

I would encourage her to give her grandma a kiss but if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to. She does have to acknowledged that they are leaving and at least say good-bye. Or wave. Or something. It's polite.

DD has never actually refused a close relative a hug and kiss though. She is a pretty affectionate kid.

meesh101's picture
Joined: 04/16/07
Posts: 16

Never. I don't care who the person is to my child (grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc) a kiss should never be expected or forced onto a child. A child should have a choice on what his/her boundries are and a parent should respect them.
Ask any child who has been abused and it is likely the abuser was someone who kissed, hugged and touched them right in front of their parents. What seemed innocent to the parent was not so innocent to the child and a parent needs to be qued into those things.
ETA
I do feel pressure from my husband's family in this area. After 17 years they are getting used to the idea that my children are not required to kiss or hug anyone. They are required to say goodbye. I do not tell my children to kiss so and so goodbye. I leave it up to them so it is their idea.

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

Sometimes our relatives kiss my kids on the cheek. Fine. I don't force my kids to kiss anyone. And, quite a few of DH's relatives get cold sores and I would freak if I saw one of them kiss my kids on the lips. There's no need for it anyway. The only people who kiss my kids on the lips are me and DH, and that's contingent on all of us not being sick.

Hugs - I usually say "Give grandpa/grandma a hug" before (s)he goes, but if either of them doesn't want to I don't force it. It's rare they shy away from the grandparents or close relatives anyway.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6697

"Claire'sMommy" wrote:

I would freak if I saw one of them kiss my kids on the lips.

:eek: I so did not mean kiss on the lips!

Joined: 10/22/06
Posts: 1033

Do you make your kids give kisses? Say, to Grandma when you go to say goodbye? No, we don't "make" kids give kisses if they aren't feeling like it. Sometimes we say "come give Aunt/Uncle/Grandma etc a kiss goodbye" but my kids are more than comfortable in saying no.

If you told your child to give someone a kiss and they refused, would you make them? No. To me, it crosses a weird line to make kids do something they are uncomfortable with just because it's "family" or an adult that we feel is "okay." I would never want to kiss someone I didn't wish to kiss and I want my kids to be able to do the same as well as to feel that they are allowed to set their own boundaries with personal space and their bodies.

Do you feel pressured by relatives or acquaintances to make your child give a kiss/hug at hello's or goodbyes? Not really. We are very lucky that our family understands that little kids are just not always into it and no one takes it personally. My brother and SIL, in particular, are very cool about just giving "high fives"...which are normally followed by the kids changing their minds wanting a hug/kiss anyway.

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

"culturedmom" wrote:

I'm Latin and Jewish. Both sides kiss and hug. Latins kiss on the cheek just about anyone we meet. Just how it is.

Yes... there are a few exceptions to my "rule" of not being huggy or kissy. When I've been in Chile, people kiss on the cheek in greeting so absolutely I do it. My BIL is Italian, so with him/any of his family, lots of cheek kissing and hugging. But generally speaking, in my own "crowd", no.

"Claire'sMommy" wrote:

I would freak if I saw one of them kiss my kids on the lips.

"AlyssaEimers" wrote:

:eek: I so did not mean kiss on the lips!

Me either! NO LIP KISSING! Dh and I are the only ones who kiss on the lips and that is only with each other. I would be aghast if somebody tried to kiss my kids on their lips. Dh and I don't even kiss our kids on the lips.

RebeccaA'07's picture
Joined: 11/19/07
Posts: 1628

I don't force DD to give kisses, I do encourage it because we hug/kiss in our family.

Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1626

I encourage hugs or high fives. If they choose to kiss goodbye, that's fine if it's their choice. I'm a hugger, so I feel comfortable with that.

I'd never force my child to hug or especially kiss anyone good bye, regardless of their relationship to each other. Both my girls are really outgoing with affection though, so it's never been a problem.

ftmom's picture
Joined: 09/04/06
Posts: 1538

We do not force our kids to give hugs and kisses, but we do encourage it. We live far away from our families, so the kids only get to see their grandparents once or twice a year. At this age it makes them virtual strangers at the beginning of a visit. I know it sometimes hurts feelings (the adult) but the grandparents almost always come rushing with open arms and my kids hide behind me, or run and hide. I have never had anyone take it badly, they usually just switch to DH or I and pretend that was their intention all along:)

After the initial meeting I ask my kids every bedtime if they want to give Grandma, grandpa (whoever) a hug goodnight, and let them decide. They almost always start doing it withing the first few nights as they get reacquainted.

DS always kisses when he hugs. In fact, when I ask him to say goodbye to the facilitator at our playgroup he usually walks around the room and gives hugs and kisses to all the Moms. DD is more reserved and is less likely to give hugs and kisses. I will suggest, but i leave it up to her if she does or not.

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

I always encourage them, but I don't force it... especially with my middle child, Max. He doesn't really give affection... not even to DH or I... so he would hate having to hug someone else.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Really, no kisses on the lips? We don't like tongue kiss or anything (barf) but I don't have any special preferences about kissing on the lips or cheek, assuming that it is a close family member. I know my mom and DHs mom sometimes kiss T on the lips, and so do I. Of course, my family is Hispanic and DHs family is Jewish so that's kind of like Lana's situation. It's just what we do.

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

Marla, I had to laugh at your *coughcoughMILcoughcough* story. Sorry you have to deal with that, though.

Don't force kissing here, either. Encourage only, and even then it's not every time. And only close relatives, such as grandparents and aunts and uncles she is really close to. There is one aunt she has almost always refused to hug/kiss, and while I feared that person's feelings were hurt by it, I still didn't force her to do it.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

Really, no kisses on the lips? We don't like tongue kiss or anything (barf) but I don't have any special preferences about kissing on the lips or cheek, assuming that it is a close family member. I know my mom and DHs mom sometimes kiss T on the lips, and so do I. Of course, my family is Hispanic and DHs family is Jewish so that's kind of like Lana's situation. It's just what we do.

Yeah lip kissing is fine here, too. Not sure what all the bug eye smilies are for.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"meesh101" wrote:

Never. I don't care who the person is to my child (grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc) a kiss should never be expected or forced onto a child. A child should have a choice on what his/her boundries are and a parent should respect them.
Ask any child who has been abused and it is likely the abuser was someone who kissed, hugged and touched them right in front of their parents. What seemed innocent to the parent was not so innocent to the child and a parent needs to be qued into those things.
ETA
I do feel pressure from my husband's family in this area. After 17 years they are getting used to the idea that my children are not required to kiss or hug anyone. They are required to say goodbye. I do not tell my children to kiss so and so goodbye. I leave it up to them so it is their idea.

I think this is going way overboard and a bit dramatic for my taste. To imply because a parent says "go give grandma a kiss and hug goodbye" whether the child wants to or not somehow opens the door to sexual abuse is too far IMO. If you ahve issues with kissing and hugging and boundries, that's fine. But to infer that it is crossing some kind of line and blurs a parents vision of what is appropriate or not makes no sense to me. If a parent can't tell when a line is being crossed and a child is reluctant to be around a family member because of sexual misconduct of some form, then that is a problem way beyond "Give grandma a kiss goodbye". Just liek I don't think kids who are forced to sit on Santa's lap arebeing tortured and abused and somehow will grow up with boundry issues.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Love me some lip kisses! I'm Italian, we are a warm friendly kissy huggy sort. I kiss and hug my good friends (and their husbands!) every time I see them, and of course all family. It is just how we generally greet friends here in the NE.

That said, my DD (now 3.5) sometimes took a while to warm up as a kid. Especially with anyone who came on overtly overly friendly, and especially men, for some reason. My FIL (who lives two hours away, and we see at least every 2 months or so, which is a big gap in a young child) used to be really aggressive with the out of the car greet and kiss thing......and she used to NOT be into it. I guess because of my background (with a Mother who was all "Kiss uncle whoever" who might have been like 90 years old and I hadn't seen them in years and was very infirm or whatever......and I remember being really scared) I was super defensive of her right to NOT kiss him. I remember wanting to please my Mom, but I in no way wanted to kiss the scary stranger (scary to a kid, not meaning any disrespect to the elderly or infirm). I have strong feelings on NOT doing that to my kids. I also think that forcing or even cajoling them into kissing someone that they don't want to kiss goes against all of the bodily autonomy talks and whatnot that we have. I can't in good conscience tell my kids that no one is allowed to touch their bodies in uncomfortable ways if I then make them use their bodies to touch other people in ways that are uncomfortable to them.

I'm definitely impacted by my childhood experience. When people press for a kiss (some in laws, and some family on my side, older) and my kid is making it clear through body language that they want this person out of their face, I deflect. If deflection does not work (as it has, on occasion with FIL) I'm actually a little stern about it. For sure this is partly due to my feelings around being forced to please someone by going against my own instincts.

I will admit that the "kiss no other boys than Daddy" floors me. My daughter has two brothers, 5 Uncles and 6 boy cousins, as well as two Grandfathers, Godparents, and a lot of my friends who they call Aunt and Uncle. They kiss 'em up. I don't even know how I would present the idea of "not kissing men" without making men seem scary. I would never want to do that.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3255

My son kisses me on the lips sometimes. It's sweet.

Kiss no other boys than Daddy? Did I miss that? My kids kiss their uncles and grandfathers....oh no even their GAY GRANDFATHERS!!! lol

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

We don't force physical affection, but there is no doubt our child knows when he's told to tell his grandparents goodbye that he *has* to say I love you after they do. Dh and I are the only ones that kiss him on the lips and it took me forever to get used to it. I do use affection as a trade. He gets to watch tv only if he cuddles next to me and random things "cost" random kisses. I wouldn't push it if he seemed to hesitate and he knows I'm the only one this game is played with.

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6697

I am the one who said no kissing other than Daddy. That is unique to our situation though. We live 750 miles from family and Daddy is the only man close enough that they would be kissing. I don't want them kissing random men they see at church or in the store.

About kissing on the lips. I would not force my child to kiss on the lips. If I said go give grandma a kiss, it would probably be on the cheek. Again, they do not see grandma often.

Joined: 03/14/09
Posts: 624

I can't stop my kids from kissing people. I know because I tried after there was a complaint from a daycare parent. Sad

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"culturedmom" wrote:

Yeah lip kissing is fine here, too. Not sure what all the bug eye smilies are for.

Yep lip kissing here is big as well. DH's family being dutch also kiss three times when greeting and leaving. That was different than what I previously knew, but I love it!

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"wlillie" wrote:

We don't force physical affection, but there is no doubt our child knows when he's told to tell his grandparents goodbye that he *has* to say I love you after they do. Dh and I are the only ones that kiss him on the lips and it took me forever to get used to it. I do use affection as a trade. He gets to watch tv only if he cuddles next to me and random things "cost" random kisses. I wouldn't push it if he seemed to hesitate and he knows I'm the only one this game is played with.

This statement floors me. It sounds so conditional. Would this be teaching him that he'll be affectionate only if certain things are done for him? Isn't that like emotional/physical blackmail? You sure he sees this as a game or just that he may not be in the mood at that moment?

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

"Beertje" wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by wlillie
We don't force physical affection, but there is no doubt our child knows when he's told to tell his grandparents goodbye that he *has* to say I love you after they do. Dh and I are the only ones that kiss him on the lips and it took me forever to get used to it. I do use affection as a trade. He gets to watch tv only if he cuddles next to me and random things "cost" random kisses. I wouldn't push it if he seemed to hesitate and he knows I'm the only one this game is played with.


This statement floors me. It sounds so conditional. Would this be teaching him that he'll be affectionate only if certain things are done for him? Isn't that like emotional/physical blackmail? You sure he sees this as a game or just that he may not be in the mood at that moment?

Nobody else has ever said to their child "I need a hug/kiss first" for something?? I do sometimes. It's in a light-hearted/totally non-serious way and the kids know it.

My 6-year-old ds and I have this little thing going where I'll ask him if he's my baby... of course he says no most the time (though he does concede at bedtime and/or during the day tell me "only at nighttime/when it's dark" :lol:) but he'll be on my knee or I'll be tucking him in and I'll bear hug him and tell him I won't let him go unless he tells me he's my baby. Or he'll want some Hallowe'en candy or getting off my knee after cuddling (still likes to when he first wakes up) or whatever and I'll say "nope... not until I get a kiss" and then he laughs and giggles and pretends he doesn't want to and gets hugged tighter and then gives the kisses... stuff like that.

It's all fun. And that's how I read wlillie's statement... and if reading it that way is the way she meant it, I totally disagree that it's teaching him that affection is a bribe/etc. Kids are smart. They know when mommy's having fun with them vs not.

As for the only kissing daddy comments above. I don't have a problem with that at all. I haven't told my kids they can't kiss any man other than daddy... but honestly, they have no need to kiss any man other than their father/grandfathers/uncles in most circumstances. Heck, I've told my daughter she can't kiss (or have a boyfriend LOL) til she gets married!! Lol Obviously I know that's not going to happen and she knows I'm not 100% serious, but the point (to her) is that there's no need to be kissing random people and kisses should be reserved for "special" people in her life.

mommytoMR.FACE's picture
Joined: 04/10/09
Posts: 781

We are a very affectionate family, say I love you everyday. I urge Jace to say bye and give family members hugs, but he has never been fond of goodbyes so he kind of shuts down and desensitizes himself. The only person he gives a hug to when saying bye is me.

Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1626

"Princess&ThePea" wrote:

Nobody else has ever said to their child "I need a hug/kiss first" for something?? I do sometimes. It's in a light-hearted/totally non-serious way and the kids know it.

Oh man, I do this! The kids think it's hilarious.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"Beertje" wrote:

This statement floors me. It sounds so conditional. Would this be teaching him that he'll be affectionate only if certain things are done for him? Isn't that like emotional/physical blackmail? You sure he sees this as a game or just that he may not be in the mood at that moment?

Oh please, obviously she didn;t mean it like it was a serious threat. I tell my kids all the time, "You better give me a hug/kiss or else your grounded for life!" They roll their eyes, trod over, and give me a hug/kiss. They pretend they hate it, but I know they love havign a mom that shows them everyday how much they are loved. And that is my way.

Again, if someone is not a touchy feely kind of person that fine. There are many mnay ways to show someone you love them. But for people who are not kissy and huggy to try and impose this possible mal intent is messed up. Are you really insinuating that wlillie can't tell if her children are feeling like they are being blackmailed because she wants a freakin hug?

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

"Beertje" wrote:

This statement floors me. It sounds so conditional. Would this be teaching him that he'll be affectionate only if certain things are done for him? Isn't that like emotional/physical blackmail? You sure he sees this as a game or just that he may not be in the mood at that moment?

I guess that's just how I roll. He's 3 and recently became a pouty individual. Not very good at pretending to be something he's not. I'm pretty sure I notice the difference between emotional/physical blackmail and a game with *my* kid. I wouldn't do it to someone else's and wouldn't stand for anyone else to do it, but I think I can handle telling the difference between his reaction to games and emotional/physical blackmail. Thanks for you concern though. Wink

offtopic-is it bad I think it's adorable when he's pouting? I correct the behavior by sending him to his room until he feels like being nice but while hes' in there I crack up or get the camera ready for next time. This will go away soon, right?

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"wlillie" wrote:

I guess that's just how I roll. He's 3 and recently became a pouty individual. Not very good at pretending to be something he's not. I'm pretty sure I notice the difference between emotional/physical blackmail and a game with *my* kid. I wouldn't do it to someone else's and wouldn't stand for anyone else to do it, but I think I can handle telling the difference between his reaction to games and emotional/physical blackmail. Thanks for you concern though. Wink

offtopic-is it bad I think it's adorable when he's pouting? I correct the behavior by sending him to his room until he feels like being nice but while hes' in there I crack up or get the camera ready for next time. This will go away soon, right?

The pouting will not go away. It will just morph into what I call "an attitude". Trust me, it is not cute in anyway and the only reason you will want to get it on camera is to threaten to show it to their friends if they don't quit acting like a baby with a tantrum. Enjoy the cuteness now.

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

Right. I should have been more clear. I meant that I'll think it's cute will go away, but you answered that too. I'm just not good at hiding emotions so it's hard to not let him see that I think it's hilarious. Sounds like it'll switch soon.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"culturedmom" wrote:

Oh please, obviously she didn;t mean it like it was a serious threat. I tell my kids all the time, "You better give me a hug/kiss or else your grounded for life!" They roll their eyes, trod over, and give me a hug/kiss. They pretend they hate it, but I know they love havign a mom that shows them everyday how much they are loved. And that is my way.

Again, if someone is not a touchy feely kind of person that fine. There are many mnay ways to show someone you love them. But for people who are not kissy and huggy to try and impose this possible mal intent is messed up. Are you really insinuating that wlillie can't tell if her children are feeling like they are being blackmailed because she wants a freakin hug?

When reading statements without much explanation, I don't assume anything. I don't know what goes on in anyone else's home but mine. Her kid is three. Three year olds understand some of their feelings but not all of them, so I would be clueless if a particular three year old would understand feeling blackmailed. But I could see them equating affection as a reward to get what they want as well if they're told that they can only watch t.v. if they give their mom or dad a kiss. "Mommy, can I paint now?" "No sweetie, it's not time to paint." "But Mommy, I really want to paint now! If I give you a hug can I paint?" "No sweetie, it's not time to paint." "Then I'm mad at you! I'm not going to give you hugs any more!"

If an adult wants a hug or kiss from their child, why not just ask? In general, would this not be re-iterating other issues of teaching "no means no" and that there are no exceptions?

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"wlillie" wrote:

Right. I should have been more clear. I meant that I'll think it's cute will go away, but you answered that too. I'm just not good at hiding emotions so it's hard to not let him see that I think it's hilarious. Sounds like it'll switch soon.

Well the feeling of wanting to laugh your butt off won't go away. When my DD rolls her eyes and stomps upstairs I giggle. But it's not adorable just hilarious. Smile

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
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Thank you Beertje for enlightening us with your wisdom.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"culturedmom" wrote:

Thank you Beertje for enlightening us with your wisdom.

And what the heck is that supposed to mean? Sarcasm doesn't become you... nor does belittling.

RebeccaA'07's picture
Joined: 11/19/07
Posts: 1628

"Beertje" wrote:

When reading statements without much explanation, I don't assume anything. I don't know what goes on in anyone else's home but mine. Her kid is three. Three year olds understand some of their feelings but not all of them, so I would be clueless if a particular three year old would understand feeling blackmailed. But I could see them equating affection as a reward to get what they want as well if they're told that they can only watch t.v. if they give their mom or dad a kiss. "Mommy, can I paint now?" "No sweetie, it's not time to paint." "But Mommy, I really want to paint now! If I give you a hug can I paint?" "No sweetie, it's not time to paint." "Then I'm mad at you! I'm not going to give you hugs any more!"

If an adult wants a hug or kiss from their child, why not just ask? In general, would this not be re-iterating other issues of teaching "no means no" and that there are no exceptions?

I think you are reading into her comment far too much...and I doubt she really wanted parenting advice.

I do the same thing with my two-year old, "Oh you want that, give me kisses first"...it hasn't damaged her yet.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"culturedmom" wrote:

Oh please, obviously she didn;t mean it like it was a serious threat. I tell my kids all the time, "You better give me a hug/kiss or else your grounded for life!" They roll their eyes, trod over, and give me a hug/kiss. They pretend they hate it, but I know they love havign a mom that shows them everyday how much they are loved. And that is my way.

Again, if someone is not a touchy feely kind of person that fine. There are many mnay ways to show someone you love them. But for people who are not kissy and huggy to try and impose this possible mal intent is messed up. Are you really insinuating that wlillie can't tell if her children are feeling like they are being blackmailed because she wants a freakin hug?

I agree with everything you've said here.

I definitely fall into the not touchy feely category, but that doesn't include my kids! We hug and cuddle all the time! I totally do the "I need a cuddle first" thing. Like, you've said it isn't a serious threat! I'm really surprised that anyone would even think that.

My mom ALWAYS is using hugs/kisses for bribery. It is a special joke between the kids and her. She always has peppermints in her purse and they always ask her for one (they see her several times/week) and her response is always "only if a have a kiss first!". They all run over, give her a hug and a kiss and she dolls out the peppermints. It is their "thing".

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

Oh and when I read the OP title about "uncle Freddy", I'm thinking some random, stranger type person. Not grandma or aunties and uncles that you see all the time and your kids are close to.

Either way, they can express affection in however a manner they are comfortable with.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"RebeccaA'07" wrote:

I think you are reading into her comment far too much...and I doubt she really wanted parenting advice.

I do the same thing with my two-year old, "Oh you want that, give me kisses first"...it hasn't damaged her yet.

You may see this as parenting advice, but it's not. I don't care how she personally parents. I don't know her. I questioned the open statement she made. This is a debate. I do find it odd (just like others find it odd that parents allow their kids to be dressed provocatively for dance or force their screaming kid on Santa and question those actions) to force affection for an object or reward. If the kid says no, does the t.v. or what they want go on or be given anyway? I am asking overall questions to anyone who does that. Why not just ask? Don't you see this as sending conflicting messages? Uncle so and so does the same thing, is that fine for uncle so and so to tell a 3 yr old that they'll give them "special" candy but first they have to give them kisses... How do kids relate the difference, especially at such a young age?

Joined: 10/22/06
Posts: 1033

"blather" wrote:

I can't stop my kids from kissing people. I know because I tried after there was a complaint from a daycare parent. Sad

My daughter is a hugger. Not to everyone. But people she really enjoys (some of her classmates, her teacher, etc), she loves to give a big old hug to on occasion. Right now she is tiny and adorable, but I do think about as she gets older. We try to do high-fives more often, but it makes me sad to curb some of the sweet affection. Sorry your kind-hearted littles have gotten complaints. Sad

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"Beertje" wrote:

You may see this as parenting advice, but it's not. I don't care how she personally parents. I don't know her. I questioned the open statement she made. This is a debate. I do find it odd (just like others find it odd that parents allow their kids to be dressed provocatively for dance or force their screaming kid on Santa and question those actions) to force affection for an object or reward. If the kid says no, does the t.v. or what they want go on or be given anyway? I am asking overall questions to anyone who does that. Why not just ask? Don't you see this as sending conflicting messages? Uncle so and so does the same thing, is that fine for uncle so and so to tell a 3 yr old that they'll give them "special" candy but first they have to give them kisses... How do kids relate the difference, especially at such a young age?

I think the issue may be the bolded. The "only if you give me a kiss" is a joke. We love each other. We hug/kiss each other. When I say "if", I am saying "yes". If they were in a pissy mood and demanding to watch TV or whatever, I wouldn't joke around, I would just say no. There aren't really any strings attached. It is all in fun... And kids have always known that, like since they could talk.

When my mom asked my oldest for a kiss as payment for something, she holds out her hand and he would kiss her hand. Lately, he licks her hand. He thinks it is hilarious. And my mom makes a big scene about "eew, gross!". It is all in good fun.

The only message being sent it that we have fun together and love each other.

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