S/O weddings: save the dates

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Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4087
S/O weddings: save the dates

If you received a "save the date" card in January for a family member's wedding in early August, how long would you wait for an invitation? It's now two months before the wedding date and the location requires you to travel by car so you need to plan & budget for at least a 3-day trip. Would you contact someone to find out if you've been invited or not? Would you assume you're invited & decline other things for that weekend? What if it were six weeks away & you hadn't heard anything?

b525's picture
Joined: 06/06/07
Posts: 298

If I had to make travel plans, I'd wait two more weeks and then contact someone, saying, "I received the save-the-date card but haven't heard anything more. I need to make travel arrangements so I just wanted to check to make sure I hadn't missed anything. If you've had to shorten your list and can't include me, that's fine. I just need to know." I would not do it yet because I think 6 weeks is the standard timeframe that's expected for receiving invitations.

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

I've actually never heard of a "save the date" card... why would someone not just send an invitation then if you're going to go to that trouble?

I guess I would assume I was invited (why send out a "save the date" card to those you're not planning to invite?)... but depending on how close I was I may try to put out some feelers as to when the invites might be sent. If had scheduled my time accordingly to accomodate and then wasn't invited, I'd be a little perturbed.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

"Princess&ThePea" wrote:

I've actually never heard of a "save the date" card... why would someone not just send an invitation then if you're going to go to that trouble?

I guess I would assume I was invited (why send out a "save the date" card to those you're not planning to invite?)... but depending on how close I was I may try to put out some feelers as to when the invites might be sent. If had scheduled my time accordingly to accomodate and then wasn't invited, I'd be a little perturbed.

To the bolded - YES! I totally do not get save the date cards. If you're worried that I will schedule something else on your big day...why not just send out the invitations then, instead of sending out the save the date card and the invitations later. I don't get it.

But yes, if I had received a "save the date" card and then DIDN'T get invited, I would be irritated. I would guess that if you don't get an invitation by the time that you need to make your travel plans, it would be acceptable to reach out to the couple and ask. Normally I would say that it's rude to ask for an invitation, but they started it by telling you to save the date!

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

"Spacers" wrote:

If you received a "save the date" card in January for a family member's wedding in early August, how long would you wait for an invitation? It's now two months before the wedding date and the location requires you to travel by car so you need to plan & budget for at least a 3-day trip. Would you contact someone to find out if you've been invited or not? Would you assume you're invited & decline other things for that weekend? What if it were six weeks away & you hadn't heard anything?

I would wait until 6 weeks prior to wedding date. I think 6 weeks is the standard 'minimum'

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4087

"Princess&ThePea" wrote:

I've actually never heard of a "save the date" card... why would someone not just send an invitation then if you're going to go to that trouble?

They're very common for summer weddings, especially when you're inviting people who will need to travel. People often make summer plans months ahead of time but you don't want to send out wedding invitations that far ahead. People too often will set the invitation aside to respond later & forget about it.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

OMG all these wedding threads remind me of how much I hate weddings, lol. WTF is a save the date card? Isn't that what an invitiation is?

ETA: Thank you Spacers for explaining.

elleon17's picture
Joined: 01/26/09
Posts: 1981

Save the Dates are great when you are having alot out of town guests. We are not sending them to save money, but since 85% of our wedding guests live in another state, I had to give a 'verbal' save the date to family and friends so they can plan vacations/time off (we live in Orlando) with more notice than 2-3 months before the wedding.

I definietely say you are still invited. That would be horrible if they sent you a save the date and no invitation!

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

Save-the-date cards make no sense at all. I get that the idea is to give guests plenty of notice for travel or whatever, but you may as well just send the invites insanely early.

As far as the OP, I would wait a couple more weeks and than call and clarify.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

"kris_w" wrote:

Save-the-date cards make no sense at all. I get that the idea is to give guests plenty of notice for travel or whatever, but you may as well just send the invites insanely early.

As far as the OP, I would wait a couple more weeks and than call and clarify.

I don't think insanely early works either...because a lot of people forget about them when they are sent too early.

lil96's picture
Joined: 03/27/06
Posts: 573

"KimPossible" wrote:

I would wait until 6 weeks prior to wedding date. I think 6 weeks is the standard 'minimum'

I have always heard 6 weeks advance, not being a min or max thing, just 6 weeks is when people get the invites.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"KimPossible" wrote:

I don't think insanely early works either...because a lot of people forget about them when they are sent too early.

Well, they'll forget about the save-the-date too and still not be able to figure out their travel plans.

I'm becoming a huge supporter of eloping. Saves so much trouble.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

"kris_w" wrote:

Well, they'll forget about the save-the-date too and still not be able to figure out their travel plans.

I'm becoming a huge supporter of eloping. Saves so much trouble.

No, because people *make* their plans early if they have to travel...or at least some people need to do it this way.

I actually think it makes a lot of sense. Make first mention of the wedding early.....so that people who need to know early and act early can.

Make a second mention closer to the wedding, so its in a reasonable time frame to remember.

I get that weddings are extravagant and can be obnoxious and have all these overdone aspects about them...but i just think there is something practical about this. Save the date cards just make sense to me if you have out of towners that could need to know ahead of time...that kind of stuff happens.

FTR, we had a ton of out of towners...and we relied on word of mouth. But it doesn't seem all that crazy to send individual messages instead.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"KimPossible" wrote:

No, because people *make* their plans early if they have to travel...or at least some people need to do it this way.

I actually think it makes a lot of sense. Make first mention of the wedding early.....so that people who need to know early and act early can.

Make a second mention closer to the wedding, so its in a reasonable time frame to remember.

I get that weddings are extravagant and can be obnoxious and have all these overdone aspects about them...but i just think there is something practical about this. Save the date cards just make sense to me if you have out of towners that could need to know ahead of time...that kind of stuff happens.

FTR, we had a ton of out of towners...and we relied on word of mouth. But it doesn't seem all that crazy to send individual messages instead.

Seems like save-the-dates are a new thing that has become popular lately and, imo, just adds to the cost of the whole thing.

If someone is close enough to be invited to my wedding, they are close enough that they should know when the wedding is going to be ahead of time. And a thoughtful bride should give out-of-towners a heads up on the date.

I'm probably just cheap, but I think they are frivolous... No one does them here, yet guests seem to manage to arrive at weddings. Wink

boilermaker's picture
Joined: 08/21/02
Posts: 1984

I work in an industry that hosts a lot of events....we use save the dates all of the time. It may be for a big gala, where we know the dates, but we may not know the venue, the exact time, the speakers, etc. But we want our important guests to be aware of the event on that weekend and plan accordingly-- esp out of town guests. I think they are really helpful.

I would wait until the 6 week mark to ask for additional info. I think you can safely assume that since you received a save the date, that you'll be invited and you should be making your plans based on the save the date. Unless there is scuttle to the contrary with family or friends, the wedding is on and you've had your fair warning to make travel plans.....

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

I had never seen or heard of a save the date card until a few years ago. I honestly think it's something that was invented by printing companies as a way to double their sales rather than in response to a pressing need.

We just told our out of town guests ahead of time what the date was. I agree that if someone is close enough to me to be invited to my wedding, they are close enough to know the date well ahead of time.

wlillie's picture
Joined: 09/17/07
Posts: 1796

I love Save the Dates. They are always much more informal, so there isn't a real need to put as much work and detail into them as invitations, but your guests still know which weekend to set aside for travel. We are waiting on an invitation to a wedding in August, but we'll be traveling there whether we actually are invited to attend the wedding or not so it's not a huge issue for us. If we don't get the invitation before we leave to attend then they just won't get a real present. I'm super glad they sent the Save the Date as our summer is packed and it was nice to be able to arrange the more flexible things around it.

Also- they are really inexpensive IME. They are just postcards with either a wedding theme and the date and names or a picture with the same info. Normal postage applies.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

"kris_w" wrote:

Seems like save-the-dates are a new thing that has become popular lately and, imo, just adds to the cost of the whole thing.

If someone is close enough to be invited to my wedding, they are close enough that they should know when the wedding is going to be ahead of time. And a thoughtful bride should give out-of-towners a heads up on the date.

I'm probably just cheap, but I think they are frivolous... No one does them here, yet guests seem to manage to arrive at weddings. Wink

Well sure its not needed....neither are flowers...or fancy dresses

none of those things are needed to get married and have a reception.

I agree we can make due without them. The worst that could happen is that someone who should be able to remember to make plans ahead of time doesn't and ends up not being able to go. But hey...if sending a save the date can help people out, i don't really see why people would criticize them so much.

I'm actually very fortunate that we have received save the date cards for the two weddings we are invited to this summer.

I first goy a save the date for a friends wedding early on. I talk to this friend and mutual friends on a regular basis (I would have known about her wedding and the date anyway)

A couple weeks later, i got a save the date for my husband's cousins wedding. We almost never talk to them....its very possible we would not have known that their wedding is on the same day as my friends. While we don't talk as much, our famlies as a whole are very close and their wedding takes priority.

I've been asked several times by mutual friends of my first friend if we will see each other at the wedding. Had there been no save the dates, i would have been saying yes yes yes to the bride and all of our friends, only to say 6 weeks before the wedding that i was wrong and can't come.

Not the end of the world without them, but it sure was handy to have them.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

"Alissa_Sal" wrote:

I agree that if someone is close enough to me to be invited to my wedding, they are close enough to know the date well ahead of time.

Perhaps this is true in some circles...this is just not true in our circle. There are people's weddings that I deeply care about, and it makes perfect sense that we are invited....but without that card, it would be very likely i would not get that information ahead of time.

Both of these weddings this summer are like that.

Last time I saw the cousin that is getting married was last July...haven't spoken to him since.

Last time I saw my friend...i don't know, they came up this way last summer and we got together for lunch.

I'd be thrilled to go to both of these weddings. Without that card, i guarantee you i would not have known the dates ahead of time....particularly the friends. We were college friends....now we are all spread out over the northeast and only have very sporadic contact with each other. Still love each other though and see each other when we can.

Maybe in some regions/circles...we would not be invited to this friends wedding because we aren't considered close enough. Don't know. I'm glad thats not the case here!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6545

I think Save the Date cards are very helpful. I grew up in NY but live in TN. I have lots of friends and family that I do not see often, but still might go to their wedding. I would need to know as soon as possible when the date is. I also have close friends that I know are getting married this summer, but not the exact date. A Save the Date card is very handy to put near the calendar to know to plan around it.

Joined: 01/06/03
Posts: 1175

"kris_w" wrote:

I'm becoming a huge supporter of eloping. Saves so much trouble.

I fully support eloping too. Dh and I eloped. It saved a TON of headache and hassle and stress and money... and probably saved us from walking away from the whole hullabaloo and eloping anyway Wink

And even now knowing what 'save the date' cards are, I still think they're unnecessary and a waste of money... just send the invite. If the guests are going to forget about the date, they're likely the type that will forget no matter when they get told about it anyway.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

I'm an eloper too Smile

We chose not to do save the date cards (for the wedding that we were planning before we up and eloped), but I would say that I get them for 95% of the 5 or 6 weddings we attend a year.

I'm shocked that some of you have never heard of them or think that they are new. They totally make sense for the reasons Kim and Audra stated.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

"Potter75" wrote:

I'm an eloper too Smile

We chose not to do save the date cards (for the wedding that we were planning before we up and eloped), but I would say that I get them for 95% of the 5 or 6 weddings we attend a year.

I'm shocked that some of you have never heard of them or think that they are new. They totally make sense for the reasons Kim and Audra stated.

I noticed couple of us clueless ones are Canadian... Maybe they are just a fancy American thing to do. I admit I only know what they are from an episode of The Office.

Joined: 07/24/10
Posts: 208

For Weddings? I love them, especially when we have to book flights. It's insanely expensive to book summer travel only 6 weeks in advance and it would be rare to be able to get flights for the whole family using air miles.

For kids birthday parties? Give me a break! The mom of a boy in my son's class passed out save the date cards for her son's b-day party. She did it because the Saturday she wanted to have the party on was my son's actual birthday and she knew I was probably going to want to have our party on that date. Pfffffftttt!

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Bobbie, I remember that psycho doing that Smile Poor form. That is as tacky to me as the women who carry business cards that say "Joey's Mom" and pass them out at the playground. :eek:

And Kris, I don't know that it is a "fancy" thing, just practical. As Willie mentioned they don't have to be fancy ~ oftentimes they are fun and very informal and post card style. Not really a huge expense in the scheme of a wedding, and in this day and age with people theoretically coming from all over, they are helpful, IMO.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"The Great Vagina" wrote:

For Weddings? I love them, especially when we have to book flights. It's insanely expensive to book summer travel only 6 weeks in advance and it would be rare to be able to get flights for the whole family using air miles.

For kids birthday parties? Give me a break! The mom of a boy in my son's class passed out save the date cards for her son's b-day party. She did it because the Saturday she wanted to have the party on was my son's actual birthday and she knew I was probably going to want to have our party on that date. Pfffffftttt!

"Potter75" wrote:

Bobbie, I remember that psycho doing that Smile Poor form. That is as tacky to me as the women who carry business cards that say "Joey's Mom" and pass them out at the playground. :eek:

And Kris, I don't know that it is a "fancy" thing, just practical. As Willie mentioned they don't have to be fancy ~ oftentimes they are fun and very informal and post card style. Not really a huge expense in the scheme of a wedding, and in this day and age with people theoretically coming from all over, they are helpful, IMO.

You 2 are eff'ing kidding me right? Save the date for b-days and Mom cards? How do you keep yourself from laughing in their faces?

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

Not kidding. I've gotten two styles. THe "Lets have a play date" kind

http://www.tinyprints.com/product/6537/personalized_calling_cards_play_date.html

And the actual business card style card listing someone as "someones Mom"

http://www.tinyprints.com/product/6974/personalized_calling_cards_posh_parent.html

Gag!

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

Holy sheet, that is the freaking most stupidest thing I have ever seen Melis. How pathetic. And I thought I had seen everything with the "I have registered for my 5th birthday at ______".

Joined: 03/14/09
Posts: 624

"Potter75" wrote:

Not kidding. I've gotten two styles. THe "Lets have a play date" kind

http://www.tinyprints.com/product/6537/personalized_calling_cards_play_date.html

When I finally get to go to the US I will send you one of those 6 months in advance before I book my plane trip.

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

"blather" wrote:

When I finally get to go to the US I will send you one of those 6 months in advance before I book my plane trip.

I need at LEAST 6 months notice, dahling. Wink

And Lana, yeah, I agree. There is a reason that they just had a casting call for the "real housewives" show here.

KimPossible's picture
Joined: 05/24/06
Posts: 3303

Save the date cards for playdates? Mommy Business cards?

Oh my. LOL!

oh my.

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

"Potter75" wrote:

I need at LEAST 6 months notice, dahling. Wink

And Lana, yeah, I agree. There is a reason that they just had a casting call for the "real housewives" show here.

You auditioned didn't you Wink

I LOVE save the date cards. I have actually gotten magnets with all the information on them and love, love, love those specifically. I have 5 peoples' schedules to keep track of and plan for in this house so things fill up quickly for us. If I can get a save the date card that far in advance, it will usually make the calendar before anything else does so the date gets saved. It's not even just for out of town weddings that I like it for. We have huge weddings around here, mostly because we've all got a billion cousins so I don't always have the ability to keep in touch with all of my cousins and DH's 80 billion cousins (he's one of 10 kids and his parents are one of 8 and one of 12) and while I may not be extremely close with all my cousin's or DH's, it's nice to go to the weddings and catch up with everyone!

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

OK so I started googling this sh!t thinking that maybe it was like some sort of anomaly. I am mad that I can't get my 5 minutes back. Here are some of the gems I found...

And my favorite of all....

A room mom business card!!!!!

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

I don't think I could keep a straight face if I was ever given a Room Mom business card. I would actually LOVE the opportunity to get a mom business card, just to see what my knee jerk reaction truly is Biggrin :D Biggrin

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"momW" wrote:

I don't think I could keep a straight face if I was ever given a Room Mom business card. I would actually LOVE the opportunity to get a mom business card, just to see what my knee jerk reaction truly is Biggrin :D Biggrin

I know what my knee jerk reaction woudl be. I have a horrible poker face and I am known not to be very censored in times like these. When my father told me he was expecting a baby a few months ago I started laughing and couldn't stop. I feel bad about it now but as I am typing this I have the uncontrollable giggles. I think I am going to buy him some of those business cards.

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

"culturedmom" wrote:

I know what my knee jerk reaction woudl be. I have a horrible poker face and I am known not to be very censored in times like these. When my father told me he was expecting a baby a few months ago I started laughing and couldn't stop. I feel bad about it now but as I am typing this I have the uncontrollable giggles. I think I am going to buy him some of those business cards.

That would be a great idea! That way he won't be mistaken as the grandpa in homeroom activities.

Yeah, I have a terrible poker face too and as much as I try, I'm not good at censoring my mouth either. I'm wondering though if I would burst out laughing or just get the uncontrollable giggles or just turn around and walk away out of disgust. hmmm, not sure.

culturedmom's picture
Joined: 09/30/06
Posts: 1131

"momW" wrote:

That would be a great idea! That way he won't be mistaken as the grandpa in homeroom activities.

Yeah, I have a terrible poker face too and as much as I try, I'm not good at censoring my mouth either. I'm wondering though if I would burst out laughing or just get the uncontrollable giggles or just turn around and walk away out of disgust. hmmm, not sure.

OMG this made my morning!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

RebeccaA'07's picture
Joined: 11/19/07
Posts: 1628

I like save the date cards; it gives me advanced noticed of the wedding date so that I can plan ahead. We didn't send them out for our wedding, soley out of being cheap.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4087

This is actually the first time we've ever gotten a save the date & we were both pretty excited about it. We've missed every single other family wedding on DH's side except his sister's because, by the time we get an invitation, we either couldn't change plans or arrange a 3-day trip on short notice. We decided to make this trip into a family vacation, and I need to start making those plans & reservations. I was curious what time the wedding is, i.e. do we need to spend the night before in that town, so I asked DH if we'd received an invitation yet. He said no & he started going off about how we apparently weren't invited so don't make those plans, we'll just go camping. That seemed a bit premature to me but since this is my first experience with save the dates, I figured I'd ask.

The invitation showed up yesterday. Blum 3

ClairesMommy's picture
Joined: 08/15/06
Posts: 2299

I've seen them/heard of them but have never personally received one. I don't think it would make me proactively save the date, either, if I did get one. I would make a note on my calendar, but I wouldn't automatically decline other invites for functions on the same day. I just make my decision to attend or not once I get the invitation by RSVPing.

Joined: 01/18/06
Posts: 1626

I've received one or two save the dates. I was wedding obsessed when I was first dating my husband so I was pretty aware of them. They aren't seen much in my circle though.

I would appreciate them for summer or holiday weddings...helps to plan ahead.

Joined: 03/08/03
Posts: 3179

I have had a few save the date cards, it makes sense sometimes. A friend of mine got married over July 4th weekend a few years back so it made sense for her. Some people are super fussy about their invitations so they're not ready that early, I think that's the reason. But yeah, two months before the wedding I would expect a follow-up for sure!

Andy1784's picture
Joined: 09/18/08
Posts: 1372

I think they are fine. Yes the wedding industry is bloated and over the top. I won't deny that, but it is fun. We spent less than 10k on our wedding with over 100 people so I think we found a happy medium but I don't judge people if they want bigger. If they are going out of their means for it then that is a different story. I also think if eloping is great for lots of people too, its all about your personality. We did not do save the dates BTW but almost everyone was local.

I think in the case of holiday/summer weddings it is fine for people to give their guests a heads up when they first settle on a date. It is especially the case if they have a lot of out of town friends/family or they have someone else in their circle that might get married around the same time. Invitations can be fun to choose and design so I can see why people wouldn't want to send them out ridiculously early when they don't even have the details figured out.

I think it would be very rude and tacky to send someone a save the date but not an invite though. You can't ask someone to keep a day/weekend open and work any other plans they may have around that only to not invite them. I would be furious if I was cut off a guest list after receiving a save the date.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4087

OK, so here's a spin-off question...

We opened the invitation, and it says, "Adults Only, Please!"

Doesn't that seem like information they should have put on the save the date? I could have let her know four months ago that we can't make it, so she could invite someone else. So glad I didn't do the nonrefundable hotel tickets!

Joined: 05/31/06
Posts: 4780

I have never been to a wedding that had children at it, and I have never received an invitation that said "adults only". It is just understood that the people named on the invitation are the ones invited. Was the "Save the date" addressed to your entire family?

Andy1784's picture
Joined: 09/18/08
Posts: 1372

In my experience, weddings tend to be adult affairs for the most part. While obviously in your case it would have been nice to know in advance that it was strictly adults, I don't think it was bad form not to specify on the save-the-date.

Spacers's picture
Joined: 12/29/03
Posts: 4087

I've only been invited to one wedding that said no kids. Well, now two, apparently. Blum 3 The save the date was a postcard showing seashells & sand, implying something casual near a beach, and it was addressed to us both.

Joined: 12/10/05
Posts: 1681

I assume somewhat generic save-the-dates are used because the details of the wedding aren't all finalized.... Maybe they hadn't decided whether kids would attend. I've been to a few "adults only" weddings and it is usually apparent given the venue, times, etc whether or not bringing kids would be appropriate... My BIL wedding was black tie, very formal, cocktail reception at an art gallery, dinner reception at 8pm - Clearly not a event for kids. Others are a mid-afternoon tea at our church - bring the whole family!

I wouldn't feel bad for saying you aren't coming, that is what the invitation RSVP is for.

ETA Technically, kids are only invited if it specifically says "and family", so I would have assumed, given the address on the save-the-date that the kids weren't going to be invited.

daniellevmt's picture
Joined: 07/25/06
Posts: 213

If my son's name isn't on the invite, that tells me that he isn't invited. Smile

However, I'm with the other gals in that I don't really see your typical wedding reception as a kid-friendly event. Besides, I don't really *want* to take my son. I typically enjoy receptions as it gives DH and I a night out and a reason to get dressed up. Smile

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

Well, a save the date is an informal invitation that's sent out around six months before the event... so you're definitely invited. Formal invitations are generally sent out 4-6 weeks ahead of time.

Joined: 07/24/10
Posts: 208

"Potter75" wrote:

Bobbie, I remember that psycho doing that Smile Poor form. That is as tacky to me as the women who carry business cards that say "Joey's Mom" and pass them out at the playground. :eek:

And Kris, I don't know that it is a "fancy" thing, just practical. As Willie mentioned they don't have to be fancy ~ oftentimes they are fun and very informal and post card style. Not really a huge expense in the scheme of a wedding, and in this day and age with people theoretically coming from all over, they are helpful, IMO.

Oh good grief! I've never heard of such a thing!

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