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Thread: Sex in a Teenager's Room?

  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica80 View Post
    I'm not going to say I wouldn't allow their bf or gf to stay over but it would have to be a case by case basis. It's really hard to plan for 12+ years in advance. I do think if I was to allow this I would absolutely make sure his (or her) parents were aware of it so they weren't sneaking around their parents back.
    That's a really good point too. It's not up to me to make decisions for someone else's kid.....and can you imagine THAT awkward conversation? (Actually I think I saw it on the MTV show "Awkward" before I gave up on it.)
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  2. #32
    Prolific Poster ftmom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    Yes, our life is very different. My kids see one set or the other of grandparents at least weekly, my parents have been married 40 years and DH's 46. Our siblings are all happily married and all live nearby, the kids see my sister and BIL almost daily at the gym. We vacation together occasionally and spend weekends together at the beach, and we vacation or go away for the weekend with other happily married couples often. My good friends are all married, and we entertain them often, my kids call many of my good friends "aunt and uncle".

    To me it would be like my parents telling me to look up to Brenden and Kelly on 90210 as an example of what a good relationship was. People really DO that? Its just very very foreign to me. I like kids and have a tremendous amount of respect for children. That said, I don't equate their teenaged and high school relationships to my marriage to my spouse. Its apples and oranges, and always will be, in my mind. If others feel that their relationship is equivalent to HS relationships, great! I simply don't feel remotely that way.

    If the only healthy relationships in my life my children witnessed were my teenagers.....well, I would probably feel that I deserved to wear one of those signs that read : "Life: I'm doing it wrong". If that sounds harsh thats okay. How on earth can kids learn healthy relationships if we don't model them to them? Part of that means surrounding them with examples of healthy individuals (gay, straight, whatever) who know how to maintain healthy relationships. 17 year olds in the throes of new love are NOT the best example of what that means for the long haul.
    Again, I dont think anyone is saying a teenage relationship is THE SAME as their long time married relationship, just that both can be committed, and I can see value in both.

    As has been pointed out before in other threads, not everyone lives your life, and not everyone should. Even though you seem to have a good life, it would sure be a boring world if we all lived the same way.

    Oh, also wanted to add that if DH and I got divorced or I was widowed I would not be looking to enter into ANY relationship until my kids were older. I will not put my children at risk just to show them a positive relationship, and I would not be holding their grandparents up as that ideal either as they are not. I would certainly see value in that sort of situation for my younger children to witness any relationship where both people respect each other and are committed to the relationship. That doesnt mean that I would allow it to take place in my home however.
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  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by ftmom View Post

    As has been pointed out before in other threads, not everyone lives your life, and not everyone should. Even though you seem to have a good life, it would sure be a boring world if we all lived the same way.

    Oh, also wanted to add that if DH and I got divorced or I was widowed I would not be looking to enter into ANY relationship until my kids were older. I will not put my children at risk just to show them a positive relationship, and I would not be holding their grandparents up as that ideal either as they are not. I would certainly see value in that sort of situation for my younger children to witness any relationship where both people respect each other and are committed to the relationship. That doesnt mean that I would allow it to take place in my home however.

    Yes.......I'm not saying everyone should. Simply countering Stacey's real life example with my own. Is that okay with you? It happens on pretty much every thread, if you notice on this thread almost everyone has done it ~ Not sure why you are riding me for it. Yes, life would be boring if we all lived the same way, and I think that life would be crappier if we all emulated TEENAGERS in our relationship modeling. It also sounds like an awful lot of pressure for one teen to bear. Mom can't maintain a relationship, doesn't know anyone who CAN maintain a healthy relationship, but writes about how incredibly mature and deep the relationship of her teenager has, and how it is the only healthy role model of relationships for Mom's younger children? Jeez, talk about pressure!! Poor kids. Not healthy, IMO.

    If DH died suddenly or we divorced I'm sure I'd remarry or date or stuff. I would sincerely hope he would do the same, we have talked about this. I think that its hard raising a family and very natural to want to do it with someone else. I know that there are healthy ways to manage this with young kids in the picture. Is this where I should tell you that everyone is not you blah blah blah? Or would that be rude and a bad debate tactic after you shared your personal experience?
    Last edited by Potter75; 08-13-2013 at 02:51 AM.
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  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlyssaEimers View Post
    Yes, it is a story but the principal is the same. I just simply disagree. Just because you are 17 does not mean it only lust or infatuation. I strongly believe that a 17 year old is capable of deeply loving another teenager. I remember when I was a freshman in college. A young man's (Not 17, but probably 18 or 19) girlfriend broke up with him. He committed suicide his dispare was so great. Are you saying because he was not in his 30'3, he was not capable of deeply loving someone? This idea that you must be an adult to really love someone is a little beyond belief.
    Romeo and Juliet is not just a story, it's a tragedy! Killing yourself for a boyfriend or girlfriend in no way shows that you are any more deeply in love than the next person. It shows that you have other psychological issues or worse coping skills than most people.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Potter75 View Post
    Yes.......I'm not saying everyone should. Simply countering Stacey's real life example with my own. Is that okay with you? It happens on pretty much every thread, if you notice on this thread almost everyone has done it ~ Not sure why you are riding me for it. Yes, life would be boring if we all lived the same way, and I think that life would be crappier if we all emulated TEENAGERS in our relationship modeling. It also sounds like an awful lot of pressure for one teen to bear. Mom can't maintain a relationship, doesn't know anyone who CAN maintain a healthy relationship, but writes about how incredibly mature and deep the relationship of her teenager has, and how it is the only healthy role model of relationships for Mom's younger children? Jeez, talk about pressure!! Poor kids. Not healthy, IMO.

    If DH died suddenly or we divorced I'm sure I'd remarry or date or stuff. I would sincerely hope he would do the same, we have talked about this. I think that its hard raising a family and very natural to want to do it with someone else. I know that there are healthy ways to manage this with young kids in the picture. Is this where I should tell you that everyone is not you blah blah blah? Or would that be rude and a bad debate tactic after you shared your personal experience?
    I was not aware that I was 'riding' you about it. I was simply trying to point out that not everyone can or wants to surround themselves with others the way that you seem to. That doesnt meant that those around them are not able to maintain a relationship, my point was more that not everyone invites others into their life to the extent you do. Please dont take that as an insult, as it is not intended to be one. You appear to have a rich life with lots of close friends and it works well for you. I do not make close friends easily and DH is a very private person, so our kids would not have those people as role models not because we dont know people in good relationships, but because we are not really close to them, my kids dont see them often.

    I think that my issue is with your assumption that mom 'cant maintain a relationship' and 'doesnt know anyone who can', because like I said, if I was widowed my kids might be in a situation where they are not in close proximity to any relationships. So again, I think that any relationship that is free from abuse, shows respect, committed to each other would be a good thing for a younger child to see, especially if the parents relationship didnt end with those things and that is the last relationship those kids lived inside of. Even though my parents would have never allowed sleepovers, my sisters relationships were role models for me. They showed me what a relationship should look like at that time in my life, that I should demand respect, etc. So yes, a TEENAGER should emulate a TEENAGERS relationship. That doesnt mean that mom should emulate it, or you and I should, but again there is value for other young girls.
    Kyla
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  6. #36
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    Others may not want to have community- but I feel certain that having community is healthier than relying on teen romances for role modeling at the end of the day. "It takes a village" isn't something I made up.

  7. #37
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    The article doesn't say that this mom was relying on a teen romance as a role model for her other kids; it's more that, after the fact, she saw a benefit in it that she didn't expect. Her younger children saw people who were a lot closer to their own age in a real, loving, committed relationship on a daily basis. Here's a link to the original article if you want to read the whole bit about Ms. Collins:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/fa...anted=all&_r=3&

    And again, I have no idea what your community has to do with this. How many of those people you listed live with you? If they don't, then how is their day-to-day relationship with their partner any kind of relationship model for your kids? And how many of them are teenagers, who happen to be in a really good relationship? From what I can tell, none. And they don't live with you even if they are. It's apples to oranges.
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  8. #38
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    We would not allow a sleepover. If there was some emergency reason a boy needed to stay the night he could do so in the living room. It is not sometime we feel comfortable having happen in our house. Especially since DSD is 16 with no long term or serious boyfriend.

    That said, DSD did do something entirely foolish with her (not serious) boyfriend outside of her homes and has had to deal with the consequences. She had a pregnancy scare (negative thank goodness!) and ended up with mono. Fun. She is still sick. She also had the joy of having to fess up to her parents and deal with the disappointment. And she got to go to the gyno with her mom for birth control. So much fun! We are not going to tell her that she can't make choices for her own body. We gave some very (I hope) useful advice. (Such as don't sleep with him if you aren't willing to raise a child by yourself!) And we made sure she got better birth control than a condom. But she is still 16 and we aren't going to make her life easier by saying her boyfriend can stay over for the night. Hopefully her scare will have her thinking wiser in future. And if someday she has a boyfriend who is serious and they are willing to have an adult conversation with us it may change. But not now!
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  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spacers View Post
    The article doesn't say that this mom was relying on a teen romance as a role model for her other kids; it's more that, after the fact, she saw a benefit in it that she didn't expect. Her younger children saw people who were a lot closer to their own age in a real, loving, committed relationship on a daily basis. Here's a link to the original article if you want to read the whole bit about Ms. Collins:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/fa...anted=all&_r=3&

    And again, I have no idea what your community has to do with this. How many of those people you listed live with you? If they don't, then how is their day-to-day relationship with their partner any kind of relationship model for your kids? And how many of them are teenagers, who happen to be in a really good relationship? From what I can tell, none. And they don't live with you even if they are. It's apples to oranges.
    Um..... YOU were the one who brought up family relationships as role models, not me! I was replying to YOUR post. And of course I believe that my children spending quality time with people who have healthy relationships is excellent for them- are you for serious when you imply that only people who actually live with can provide valid examples of healthy romantic relationships ? That's nonsense! And no- I don't care if any of them are teens as I don't really see the benefit of "showing" my children teen love relationships when they are 4 or 5. I feel confident that Instilling them with a sense of their self worth and surrounding them with healthy relationship mentors (first and foremost From their parents, then other family members, then friends) will aide greatly in them navigating the world of teen relationships when they themselves are teens.

  10. #40
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    You seem to be very stuck on this one point, which I believe you are mis-interpreting, and you seem to be discounting the entire article because of it. I think your POV is skewed because you grew up in a happy home with good relationship role models so you really have no idea what it's like to grow up *not* seeing how a loving marriage works. And I disagree with you that "community" can provide the same thing, because you can never really see how people live & love together unless you're right there in their home with them. You're absolutely right that teenagers don't have the life experiences that adults do, and that is exactly the point. Teenagers who *are* in a good relationship can be role models for other kids not because they have some great life experience or dozens of years together but simply because they are teenagers in a good relationship. And for a young person who doesn't see that in the other relationships in her life, it might be a life-changing eye-opener.
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