And I'm not hung up on it- I'm debating it. You keep quoting me so I keep replying. Standard debate stuff. The rest of the article isn't that interesting to me as my kids are so young so I'm not going to conjure up a bunch of fake stuff to debate. This part interests me. Me disagreeing with you isn't misinterpreting- it's having a different opinion.
And again, the part that I think you are misinterpreting (I wont speak for others) is that no one is RELYing on a teen to demonstrate an adult or meaningful relationship. This mother is just saying that in retrospect she thinks it was good for her younger children to live with a committed, respectful relationship and see what that looks like from the inside.
Mom to Arianna (5), Conner (3) and Trent (my baby)
Fuscia I was speaking directly to people who said they had no village- i dont care if people have "my" village or not- i simply believe that we all need "a" villiage. that is NOT some elite or uncommon believe much as you may try to taint my view or twist it into somethingg it isnt. And yes- like you said- it's a disservice. That's all. You prove my point. And generally parents who can't maintain any healthy relationships or make friends with anyone who can do that statistically WILL have a harder time raising children who will have healthy relationships. The stats on that are in.
Last edited by Spacers; 08-13-2013 at 04:02 PM.
The number of U.S. states in which a person can marry the person they love regardless of gender: 30 and counting!
This is a weird one for me. My first reaction is "absoLUTEly not" but I can't really logically explain why. I'm not opposed to sex before marriage, although I do want my boys to wait until they are mature enough to understand and deal with the potential consequences of sex. I kind of assume that my kids will have sex as teenagers at some point, as that seems to be the norm and I well know that it's something that I did, that my husband did, et cetera. And I want them to be safe about it, and to have the kind of relationship with me where we can talk through these issues honestly and respectfully. So all of that *should* point to me being open to them having a committed* partner stay over. But emotionally, I still feel like "hells to the no, they have to sneak around and do it when we're not home like normal kids." LOL So that's something that I will have to think more about.
I would let my adult children and their partners stay in the same room if they came to visit, though. I figure that once they are adults and living on their own, they are plenty old enough to be treated like adults.
*Whatever committed means at 17. I agree that I would not compare my relationships at 17 to my adult marriage, but I also know that 17 year olds can be committed to each other - my parents were engaged at 17 and have been married 34 years and counting, so I know it happens...but I still had a very different relationship with my 17 year old boyfriend (who I actually got engaged to!) than I have with my husband. And yes, part of it was age. At 17 I don't think I was emotionally ready to get into the kind of "for better or worse" relationship that I entered into with my husband.
I guess I find it pretty judgmental of you to say that about a Dad who works 80 hours to support his family ~ heck, if you can't even know ANYTHING about the relationships of your own FRIENDS its amazing that you could know so much about stranger families.
While we are so lucky that DH works from home and we take a ton of vacations, I do know families where the husband is working like to make partner or complete his residency ~ it won't be forever and they manage to make it work as their eyes are on the prize for the long term. were I to make a similar judgment about a Mom who works like that to support her family I bet it would not be well received. Sounds pretty ****ty of you.
You seem to be taking this pretty personally and I'm not enjoying debating this with you, so I'll sign off. I do hope that you at some point find some people who do have healthy relationships who are important or close to your children, as I am sure they will benefit.
Last edited by Potter75; 08-13-2013 at 04:53 PM.
Not sure if I am proving your point or not!
Not exactly what we were talking about, but saw this today and thought it was wonderful:
Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex | Ferrett Steinmetz
There's a piece of twaddle going around the internet called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with "funny" threats like this:
"Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising some kind of 'barrier method' can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you."
All of which boil down to the tedious, "Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control."
Look, I love sex. It's fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don't want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don't want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.
Because consensual sex isn't something that men take from you; it's something you give. It doesn't lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn't degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.
Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I've held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.
You're not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I'll help. I'll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there's value in getting lost. I think there's a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.
You're your own person, and some of the things you're going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we'd all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone's cast-offs become someone else's beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.
Now, you're going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won't tell you sex is bad, or that you're bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you're willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.
I'm not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter's safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.
That's what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.
Now get out there and find all the things you f**king love, and vice versa.